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Hornet

Hornet

There are many wasps in this world. The hornet does not seem at first blush to be a remarkable one. But that’s because the first time you’re blushing at it, you don’t yet know about its successful restaurant business.

Special powers

The hornet is a very successful restauranteur. Below are just a few of the signature menu items at the hornet’s restaurant, sqüeeze.

 

APPETIZERS

 

Clams A l’Orange

Octopus Hearts A Cappella

Braised Duckling Feet in Bernaise Madoff

Chicken Finger and Pork Wing Platter

Chowder of the Day

Deep-fried Pork Belly Sliders

Honey-smoked Nacho Zingers

Pan-seared Orlando Salmon Flip-floppers

Beer-soaked Tequila Balls

 

MAIN

 

Sierra Nevada Battered Tilapia Cones

Re-pickled Goose Butt in Udon Alfredo

Goat‘s Nodes a la Larry King

Barbecue Onion Nublets in a Cider Glaze

The Rabbit‘s Gambit

Chef’s Trio (pigeon, robin, and gerbil hog-tied to the railroad by a fiendish rogue with a list of demands)

Chicken-Fired Travel Cup Gravy Guzzler

Desultory Land Mussels In An Air Salt, Rock Salt, and Fire Salt Embalming

Sun-Dried Filet of Stork Leather On A Bed of Bone Marrow Salsa

Surf ‘n’ Turf (Angus steak and a skewer of Collin shrimp, with Steve potatoes prepared your way)

Turf ‘n’ Surf (our classic Surf ‘n’ Turf, in reverse)

East Virginia Brisket Splinters Drizzled With Hyper-Butter

Crisis on Infinite Turfs

Tarragon-Dashed Brussels Sprout Pockets Parmaggiano

Fair Trade Techno-Organic Cyber-Salad

Decanted Reducted Infused Disembodied Thai Peanut Un-Vapor

Slip-off-the-bone Rybz: An Authentic Simulacrum Sprinkled With Bacon-Inspired Protein Krunches®

Genuine World-Famous Sink Chunks

 

DESSERTS

 

Wasabi Rice Sorbet With One Fist-Sized Almond On Top

Barrel-aged Vanilla Mint Session

Vanilla-crusted Cedar Plank Barrel (serves 20)

Crème Braise Frisson Brulet Fraîche

Fudge-Sized Personal Pan Cereal-Style Marshmallow

LA KISS Presents Terminal Cancer By Chocolate

 

WINE

 

2012 Mad Australian Cabernet: A patois of plum and reveille, with notes of fetid armories.

2005 Bitches’ Gumbo Red: The wine of an illiterate, served in the commemorative Yoda cup of an imbecile.

2011 Chateau du Monde: A generous flim-flam, reconstituted and coronated for a new generation.

2009 Latverian Riesling: Supple with the piquant brine of a beloved janitor’s lanyard. A revelation for the trained mustache palate.

2008 Art Brut White: Connoisseurs of Grandmother’s dustiest cupboard will detect a hypothesis of marsh jewels.

2011 Grandeur Merlot: A tickle from a consumption-stricken youth born into wealth, followed by an afterthought of shame.

2008 Pellegrino: Heightens the senses, unseats the powerful, walks on the ceiling.

2001 Fellini White: The cast of J*A*G spits in your mouth.

2004 Greble Chardonnay: A resplendent slurry of false memories of vegetables that never were. Finish of Game of Thrones spoilers.

2002 Really Nice Wine: A really nice wine.

Weaknesses

The hornet is vulnerable to gasoline, napalm, dynamite, and missiles. This is not a comprehensive list.

The mortal hornet

The hornet can be physically destroyed.

Number of legs

Six.

Do I own a Beanie Baby of it?

No.

What if it fought a bear?

As there are no honey-based disagreements between the hornet and bear, they have no quarrel.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

I know people like the hornet’s restaurant, but I just don’t get it. Sorry.

 

 

7/10

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Tasmanian devil

Tasmanian devil

When you hear the name of today’s animal, you may think it is just a fictional cartoon invented by the Warner Brothers for profit[1], like Elmer Fudd or Johnny Depp. But no, unlike them, the Tasmanian devil is real.

Satan Is Real

Shenanigans.

And that’s the other misconception right there. The Tasmanian devil is not, strictly speaking, a devil. Does it receive a small commission for souls it has led to a certain circle of the underworld by its temptations? Yes. But it is simply a contractor for the actual demonic administration. The Tasmanian devil’s primary income still comes from its job hosting a travel show.

Special powers

The Tasmanian devil is undiscriminating in its consumption. It eats everything meat or meat-adjacent it can get its jaws around. That includes bones, fur, and any scarves or smart phones the deceased may have had on its person[2], up to forty percent of its own body weight in one sitting – forty-five if it’s Thanksgiving. All this makes the Tasmanian devil an unstoppable force in eating contests.

What fat the Tasmanian devil doesn’t work off just generally going nutso in its day-to-day is stored in its tail, leaving the Tasmanian devil’s torso as camera-ready as ever. It saves a ton on clothes never having to change sizes.

it can't drive

It bought that sweater in the first Bush administration.

Weaknesses

The Tasmanian devil was hunted nearly to extinction by farmers who blamed it for killing livestock. The accusations were false, and the Tasmanian devil dedicated itself to finding the real killer (OJ Simpson). In 1941 the local government made the devil a protected species, but poor wording meant this law protected all devils. And that is why Australia is home to more hellbeasts than any locale on Earth.[3]

It should also be noted that it’s got a chubby tail.

Number of legs

Four.

Professions

As mentioned above, the Tasmanian devil passes its time with contract work for Hell and its travel-themed cable program. In this show, the Tasmanian devil goes around the globe to try various small restaurants and devour anything vaguely food-like put in front of it. It has visited hundreds of eateries over the show’s three seasons of production.[4] Some of the Tasmanian devil’s favorites were:

  • Rosa’s
  • Alice’s Restaurant
  • Marconio’s
  • sqüeeze
  • Big Todd’s Belly Hut
  • Pork Squad
  • Panda Dragon Cuisine
  • A Taste of Ottawa
  • Alice’s Kitchen
  • El Esqueleto
  • The Sloppy Beagle
  • The Spangly Dowager
  • The Dourest Charlatan
  • Sportz ‘n’ Spoonz Bar & Grill
  • Dee Snyder Presents Back Seat
  • Alice’s Diner
  • Seattle Fish Market of P’yongyang
  • Crunch! Artisan Pretzel Donuts
  • Mucho Gusto
  • Cookies Cookies Cookies
  • The Sizzla in Manila
  • GD Ritzy’s
  • Gruntle House
  • Untitled (a hot dog cart in Stockholm)
  • Pizza Dojo
  • KFC Chang’s
  • Alice’s Foodtruck
  • Chilly’s (a Chili’s that lost its license)
  • The People’s Demilitarized Pancake Zone
  • Waffle Trough
  • Donny’s Buckets
  • You Catch ‘Em, We Fry ‘Em
  • Wattay International Airport Shake Shack
  • A Midsummer Night’s Tenderloin
  • Donair Shed
  • Stouffer’s LIVE!
  • State Route 37 (a road where the Tasmanian devil found some roadkill it really enjoyed)

Upsetting Wikipedia quote

“Devils are not monogamous, and their reproductive process is very robust and competitive.”

bow chikka etc

Think about that while you’re in bed tonight.

Favorite video game

Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2.

What if it fought a bear?

As much as the Tasmanian devil would relish the challenge of eating an entire dead bear, it would be quickly ended by a live one.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Just because you’re not a devil doesn’t make working for devils any more admirable – even part-time work. It runs a fun show, though.

 

 

6/10

 

 

 

 

 

[1]And to defeat the Monstars.

[2]Metaphorical person. It’s usually an animal.

[3]The top three is rounded out by that giant sinkhole in Guatemala and Detroit.

[4]Ignoring the unaired pilot where the Tasmanian devil’s role was filled by Craig Kilborn.

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Cow

Cow

You know how aliens are always abducting the cow? Did that ever make sense to you?

The cow returned to its homeworld.

Doesn’t seem right.

If not, there’s a good reason for that. The reason is aliens don’t abduct cows. Cows are aliens.[1] What we think to be abductions are just the cow returning to its homeworld. What we think to be UFOs are really IFSPBBs (Identified Flying Spaceships Piloted By Bovines). I mean, the cow is considered holy in India and a number of other places. What seems more likely – that the cow proved worthy of divinity on its own cud-chewing merits or that it appeared to descend from the heavens? Exactly.

Special powers

Besides descending from the heavens and traveling the far reaches of space, the cow has more literally down-to-earth powers. For example, tasting absolutely delicious.

steak

Meat Every Animal

It’s not just its seared flesh that’s so tasty, however! The cow can also provide sustenance without even dying first, by way of milk. This liquid is so precious – pure or made into various dairy products – that countless cow wars continue to be fought in our world’s most milk-rich regions. Ask your grocer about conflict-free mozzarella.

It can sleep standing up (see Weaknesses). The males have horns. Sometimes, they’re long horns. We call such creatures “shortfaces.”[2]

Weaknesses

A bit of a hipster, the cow stands around in the middle of flat fields in cold wind, sleeps standing up, and re-chews food it liked better the first time – all “ironically.”

Furthermore, the cow is a very poor conversationalist. It mostly just stares blankly at you.

There’s also a recurring problem of the cow going utterly insane. It’s not uncommon for a mortal considered to be sacred to go mad with power. It’s just like the old saying: Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely; girl power corrupts girlishly; you can’t go over water unless you’ve got power.

Number of legs

Four

Place of origin

If the cow does not come from Earth, then where does it come from? The answer is not as easy as it might initially seem, because it turns out space is really really big. I don’t know if you knew that, but it was a real shock to me in my research. There are literally hundreds of planets out there and at least as many stars. Each world is named after a Roman god, like Saturn, Mercury, Audi, Volvo, or Studebaker. Not Pluto, though. Neil deGrassi Tyson, Canadian teen scientist, blew the lid off that whole hoax. Pluto never existed.

Pluto is lies.

A fabrication.

Anyway, the cow is from a planet that does exist: Buick. Little is known about its homeworld, and good luck getting the cow to say anything about it (see Weaknesses).

What if it fought a bear?

The cow, with the assistance of Mrs. O’Leary, started the Chicago Fire. The bear can’t do a dang thing about a fire without my help.

Is it noble?

It is unknowable.

Final rating

Tasty in the end, but a bit of a bore leading up to that. Even its whole “mad god” routine isn’t as entertaining as it could be.

 

4.5/10

 

 

 

[1]Today’s post adapted from a doodle by M. Night Shyamalan.

[2]Their faces aren’t even that short, but in terms of proportions, you know?

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Chicken

Chicken

Reviewing the chicken feels almost pointless.

chicken

You know this already.

Werner Herzog, the director of such films as Grizzly Man, Rescue Dawn Under[1] and Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, has given the definitive word on chickens.

It’s true. They are incredibly stupid. They are mad easy to hypnotize. They also vastly outnumber humans on Earth, so I should give them their due time. No less and NO MORE.

Special powers

The chicken is renowned for its pecking ability. Flocks will form “pecking orders” by which social status is derived from pecking skill and the annual draft, with occasional trades.

And of course, it is the closest living relative to T. Rex, so it can borrow money from it if need be.

Weaknesses

Its name is synonymous with “coward” due to its extreme cowardice.

The Year of the Rooster was supposed to be 1993, but then its girlfriend broke up with it and it tore its ACL.

Number of legs

Two, plus wings.

Morning routine

The male chicken (rooster to its friends) starts every single day crowing loudly at dawn in order to express its hatred of the arriving sun. It then proceeds to eat breakfast, read its horoscope, and stare longingly at the toothbrush the toothless bird will never be able to use.

rooster

Notice the crest of flesh on its head called a cockscomb.[2]

Eternal questions

The chicken or the egg – which crossed the road first? We may never know.

Oldest age reached

According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the oldest chicken ever lived to 16 years of age, only to die of a heart attack when she saw that her parents had booked One Direction for her Sweet 16 party. But keep in mind that those guys are usually drunk on Irish stout.

What if it fought a bear?

Did you see Grizzly Man?

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Chicken, you are so dumb. I ought to hypnotize you right now, just because you don’t deserve to not be hypnotized.

On the other hand? Delicious.

 

4/10

 

 

 

[1]Starring Steve Zahn as Bernard and Christian Bale as Miss Bianca.

[2]Ask your local Spencer Gifts for more information.

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Turkey

Turkey

On this Thanksgiving, I want to spotlight the delightful animal at the center of the holiday:

The yam.

yam

This bad boy’s getting at least an 8.5.

This bad boy’s getting at least an 8.5.

Thanksgiving fools! Everyone knows the yam is a sucky animal. It maxes out at a 2. The true subject of today’s post is the turkey. Will it surpass 2? Let’s find out.

Special powers

The turkey is, first and foremost, delicious. I guess that’s not really a power, but it is a fact.

Weaknesses

The turkey’s wattle is a big exposed hunk of flesh that may as well have “Hit Me” written on it – and on several occasions, has. In combat situations, its only move is to flap its wings frantically, which doesn’t stop attackers so much as decorate them with shiny feathers.

Number of legs

Two.

The turkey in U.S. government

Many know that Benjamin Franklin, electrical wizard, was the turkey’s greatest supporter in the debate over what animal would become America’s national emblem. What they may not know is that John Adams had to recuse himself from the discussion on account of being the turkey’s cousin.

The turkey learned its lesson from its failed campaign to represent the nation, however. Nowadays, its lobbying powers in Washington have expanded tremendously. The President even holds an annual press conference just to reaffirm that the turkey is worth keeping alive.

It should also be noted that the turkey was briefly mayor of Peoria, Illinois.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear would look very festive afterward (see Weaknesses).

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The turkey has a very mixed reputation. A turkey is a bowler term for something good, but it’s also a person term for something bad.

Black Lightning

Look at those guys. It’s hard to disagree.

Everyone gets excited about it twice a year (Thanksgiving and whenever it’s the footlong-of-the-month), but the rest of the year the turkey is a punchline. You may suspect the date to influence my decision, then. You would be wrong, sir/ma’am/decline to specify. I am not a slave to “Gregor” and his “calendar.” I am my own man. And the turkey is its own bird. But it’s not a great bird to be.

 

4.5/10

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Pig

Pig

It’s said that the pig is a dirty animal but you may be surprised to learn that in fact it wallows in filth. It’s true; ask any swineherd. It’s a stubby, fat creature that takes in garbage and turns it into pork chops.

A future tenderloin dreams.

Special powers

The pig has a special relationship with the truffle, a fungus that some people actually eat. It can seek out these mushrooms by smell, which makes it perfectly suited to ruin fancy truffle parties.

It is also particularly prone to exhibiting the X-gene (see Notable mutant pigs) and has military applications (see Military usage).

Weaknesses

Its four short legs.

Number of legs

Four.

Military usage

In order to counter the use of war elephants and war truffles, the Roman Empire began drafting and training war pigs. These creatures would run into the enemy ranks to alarm and disrupt the elephants and devour the truffles. It was honestly a real hoot from the pig’s perspective. Ancient history buffs Black Sabbath immortalized the practice in song.

War pigs fell out of vogue when the measures they were meant to counter did. However, centuries later, they became central in a very different conflict. The Pig War was a tense period in 1859 in which the United States and Britain disagreed over the ownership of San Juan Island, which sits between Canada and the state of Washington. Both sides dispatched pig forces to the island, but they mostly just played with each other and rooted around in the mud. To this day, San Juan is inhabited and governed by the pig.

Notable mutant pigs

King Neptune was a pig born with an active X-gene, who regenerated entire body parts when they were removed. In the 1940s, King Neptune* was taken on tour around the state of Illinois and auctioned off piecemeal over and over, growing back between events whatever had been sold, all to raise money for the Navy.

Hogzilla was a feral boar so named because he resembled a bipedal dinosaur, had the power of atomic breath, and hated scale models of Tokyo.

Toby the Sapient Pig was one of the Learned Pigs, a high-functioning porcine with the ability to reason. Toby could solve problems of arithmetic. Toby could tell the hour of the day regardless of the sun’s visibility. Toby could best both poor and average checkers players. Toby could spell nearly any English word, many Latin phrases, and exactly one German one (“Rache”). The claims that Toby could read women’s minds were a bit of charlatanry on the part of his owners.

If he’s psychic, where’s his third eye? Dummies.

Ace, great-grandson of Babe.

Wilbur was a runt who dissociated from reality in the trauma of imminent slaughter, and created a second personality known as “Charlotte.” He was spared, but lived the rest of his life completely mad. Also, he had spinnerets.

This week in Wikipedia quotes in which Rupert Grint is a taste-maker

Miniature pigs, also “called micro or teacup pigs, which are specifically bred to be small (from 29–65 lbs) gained in popularity in late 2009 after several mainstream press articles claimed they were a popular pet to celebrities such as Rupert Grint of Harry Potter fame.[16]

What if it fought a bear?

The pig in question fighting a bear is the process that distinguishes “apple-smoked” bacon.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The pig is a disgusting animal, but we can learn some very valuable lessons from it. Not only that, we can cut some very valuable cutlets out of it. Man am I hungry.

 

9/10

 

 

 

*Not actual royalty.

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