Tag Archives: Wikipedia at it again

Hogfish

Hogfish

What’s up, everybody!

photo: jetskibrian.com

Hey hey hey, y’all!

Today I’d like to talk to you about the hogfish. So I will.

Special powers

The hogfish starts out female and then about three years into its life, becomes male. Because it does what it wants.

Weaknesses

The hogfish got its name by hogging all the popcorn. You’re ruining movie night, hogfish!

Number of legs

No.

Drink of choice

Coors Heavy – it’s ready to drink when the lead mountains turn blue and extra-toxic!

Wikipedia’s Talk Page Says

“Calling this fish a ‘dick’ is not vandalism.”

What if it fought a bear?

Why would it though?

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The hogfish is a decisive iconoclast. Despite the libel of Wikipedia’s Talk Page, that does not make it a bad person fish. Its ungiving stance toward food-sharing comes close, though.

 

 

7.5/10

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Bushbaby

Bushbaby

Bushbaby, bushbaby, give me your paw / Give me somethin’ with a sharp grooming claw.” It’s as true today as it was when musical parody artist Odd Toby sang it to the tune of Beach Baby by The First Class.

Special powers

Unlike most other animals larger than a bug, the bushbaby helps to pollinate plants, because it is more thoughtful than the others.

It's a good egg.

It’s a good egg.

The bushbaby has incredible jumping skills. It has been recorded doing a standing jump of 7 and a half feet. That’s really good. Perhaps too good.

It considers urine a viable communication strategy.

Oh, and obviously it has good night vision.

Weaknesses

The bushbaby’s sight comes at a price, with its eminently pokeable peepers.

Number of legs

Four.

Choice Wikipedia quote

“Social grooming is performed more often by males in the group. Females often reject the attempts made by the males to groom them.”

Women, right?

Aliases

The bushbaby is also known as the galago, WeezerFan90, and the nagapie (Afrikaans for “little night monkey”).

What if it fought a bear?

See the weaknesses category. The bushbaby’s gonna end up blind.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

As I alluded to earlier, the bushbaby’s preternatural leaping is so impressive, it possibly crosses the line from cool to scary. Picture this thing…

bushbaby-creepy

…with its enormous eyes and long, grasping, calloused fingers flying from ground level up to your face in an instant. And if it has something to say to you, it might be spraying urine as it does so. The bushbaby has good intentions, but it’s still creepy.

 

 

 

6.5/10

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Treehopper

Treehopper

Have you ever known a hat guy? The treehopper is the hat guy of the animal kingdom. Its usual “go-to” headgear is an unobtrusive green number. If you didn’t notice it was attached to its head you might think the treehopper was just a humpy little bug instead of a tremendously odd little bug.

Relatively reasonable.

Relatively reasonable.

Not all its hats are so subtle.

RImage  FRENCH GUYANA - SEPTEMBER 2005: Bocydium globulare, fullface. The sensory hairs or sensillae around the little balls may act as a warning for the insect by capturing air vibrations when any predators approach. (Photo by Patrick Landmann/Exclusive by Getty Images)

This is just too much.

Special powers

Some of these crazy hats have certain advantages. The hairy globes above serve as a disincentive for anyone considering eating the treehopper. Its antler hat gained it access to the hottest deer club in town.

“I don't see your name on the li-... Oh I'm sorry, sir. Welcome to Salt Lick.”

“I don’t see your name on the li-… Oh I’m sorry, sir. Welcome to Salt Lick.”

Weaknesses

It calls socks “foot hats.”

The treehopper’s more elaborate hats have drawbacks in terms of mobility.

The wings just seem overly optimistic here.

The wings just seem overly optimistic here.

Number of legs

Six.

Is it secretly balding?

I don’t know for sure, but it has to be, right?

Choice Wikipedia Quote

“Distinguishing males from females is accomplished only by looking at the genitalia.”

What if it fought a bear?

It would lose.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

It’s not intrinsically wrong to be a hat guy. But there’s limits, and the treehopper does not recognize them. It will go full Duchess-of-Chiquita-at-the-Kentucky-Derby, regardless of whether the venue is appropriate for it.

Dial it back, treehopper.

Like, a lot.

Like, way back.

 

2/10

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Echidna

Echidna

Welcome back to Rate Every Animal! The hiatus was a little longer than planned, so today we bring you a real top-notch, primo selection: the echidna.

grade-A

Nice.

Special powers

The echidna is covered with spines. Even its four-headed penis[1] has its own kind of spines. It can become the world’s most dangerous volleyball.

no bump, no set, lots of spike

Do not serve this, Ice Man. You either, Maverick. I know you want to.

It has a bit of electroreception, a sense for electricity, and diggin’ claws.

Weaknesses

The echidna is a mammal, but it lays eggs. That’s what we call a serious identity crisis.

Also, it’s got no teeth.

Number of legs

Four.

The Kingfisher Illustrated Encyclopedia of Animals Says

I have never been more disappointed in the Kingfisher Illustrated Encyclopedia of Animals than when I saw it had no echidna entry.[2]

Wikipedia quote implying an unsettling disappointment

“Therefore, no one has ever seen an echidna ejaculate.”

What if it fought a bear?

The echidna goes so hard it left all its teeth on the hockey rinks of its youth. The bear lacks such dedication.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The echidna may just be making it up as it goes along, but it’s turned out wonderfully weird. I salute you, echidna. Please don’t show me your crazy penis.

 

 

9/10

 

 

 

[1]Oh, yeah, it has one of those too.

[2]Related: I have only rarely been more disappointed in my word processor than when I saw its spell check did not recognize “echidna.”

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Cicada killer

Cicada killer

The cicada killer is named the cicada killer, and that’s rude. Specifically, it’s rude to the cicada. Like, what’s your name? Jennifer? Is your name Jennifer? Imagine if you met somebody named Jennifer-Killer. You wouldn’t get along.

bzzz

Mental Organism Designed Only For Killing Jennifer

Special powers

Like any given wasp, the cicada killer has a stinger.

Unlike the average wasp, the cicada killer carries a switchblade. Cicada killer’s a blade man, man.

It can blow bubblegum bubbles really well.

Weaknesses

The cicada killer is frequently targeted by the velvet ant (street name “The Cow-Killer”), which will lay its egg in the nest of the cicada killer so its newborn can kill and eat the cicada killer’s children. Preying on a predator, the velvet ant is sort of like nature’s own “Dexter” from the hit TV show “Dexter,” but more messed up.

Don't push his buttons

Dexter and his dark passenger.

Number of legs

Six.

Wikipedia Talk Page Theatre

In which a twist arrives late in the tale:

“The testmaster saw some of these before. They are ginormous. They fly around like crazy and almost fly into you like they are trying to attack. I was so scared that I ran to my car (this was before the testmaster got a DUI). Testmasterflex

Drink of choice

Michelada, served in a hollowed-out carapace.

What if it fought a bear?

It’s the cicada killer, not the bear killer.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The cicada killer is the best at what it does, and what it does is kill cicadas and chew bubblegum – and it has a lot of bubblegum. If you need any, just ask; it will gladly give you some.

But despite that generosity, the cicada killer is still something of a one- to two-trick pony, where its main trick is killing a creature and its whole family.

 

3/10

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Pony

Pony

When a horse refuses to grow up, it becomes a pony. There are many reasons this could happen, including societal pressures, the influence of Peter Pan, or a trainer pressing B during the evolution animation.

Whatever the case, the pony has its own vibe, and is worth discussing on its own merits and failings. For example, the horse has extremely poor instincts when it comes to clothing choices.

a horse in space clothing

“I think I look fine,” it said like an idiot.

By contrast, the pony is a real fashion plate.

Shetland ponies in sweaters

They look good and you know it.

As a special treat for our readers, I now turn it over to the pony for some timely fashion tips:

“Thank you, human Nathan.

Readers, it is almost winter. All fall, the trend has been earth tones and wind tones. The new colors of the season are green and ultraviolet. Be sure to also wear patterns for the winter: polka dots will let heat escape. Trap it in with the interlocking squares of a plaid. That’s not just fashion; that’s science. Trust me. I’m the pony.”

Special powers

Pound for pound, the Shetland pony is stronger than any horse, or as it puts it, “PONY STRONGEST THERE IS! PONY SMASH!”

It no longer ages.

Weaknesses

The pony is constantly beset by its rival in the fashion world, the Japanese macaque. Try as the pony might, it cannot escape that monkey.

remember the internet monkey?

It looks good and you know it.

Its eternal youth means it is eternally kind of snotty.

Number of legs

Four.

Online presence

The pony has exactly one Yelp review, of a music venue. It reads, in its entirety, “It was just a bunch of human men with instruments, not a train at all. I give this concert zero stars.”

Celebrity birthdays

The pony shares a birthday with…

  • Tom Hanks, who loves to play Tom Hands, a game of his own design

  • ALF, which is not really his name, but an acronym short for Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms

  • Benedict Arnold, a blacksmith who had to explain no, he’s not that one so many, many times.

Shots fired at the Wikipedia page for Shetland pony

“American Shetland Ponies are more refined than the traditional Shetland.”

You know where you are right now, traditional Shetland? You’re on blast, and some American Shetland-loving Wiki user just put you there.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear has no chance against the pony’s strength and low center of gravity.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

No matter what year it is, the forever-young pony hasn’t heard of the good music thing you like from several years ago. This, as we all know, is the worst sin anyone can commit. But dang if it doesn’t look good.

pony in human shoes

Accessorize sparingly, but boldly.

 

 

 

7/10

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Elephant

Elephant

You forgot to vote this week. Yeah, that was this week. You missed out on a totally free sticker. The elephant is disappointed in you.

So it says

It’s not mad.

The elephant is highly invested in the political process. Political cartoonists and logo designers have used it as a symbol of the United States Republican Party, but its actual views are much more diverse. It has cycled through a number of third parties in search of one that fully captures its unique opinions. To this end, it has been involved in the Bull Moose Party, the Hen Buffalo Party, the Brunch Party, the Plutocrats, the Aristocats, M.O.P., #TeamBreezy, the Baseball Furies, a group of hobos led by Brother Soupcon, and the Super Sweet Sixteen Party. It is currently registered as an Independent.

Special powers

Every study about the elephant is about its gentle artist’s soul and how emotionally supportive it is. The elephant went to therapy and learned to paint, so now it thinks it knows everything about relationships. Do not ask the elephant for advice. It might be pretty good, but it’s not worth the tone.

The elephant has a trunk capable of taking in and spraying out water. It can also be used to grab things and play pranks on Kate Capshaw or anyone within one standard deviation of Kate Capshaw.

The elephant has tusks, which are oversized incisor teeth, and don’t you feel less comfortable about them now?

It can sleep standing up or lying down, so it’s got options.

it can be hard to get comfortable

Maybe too many options.

Weaknesses

The elephant is susceptible to floppy trunk syndrome, one of the most adorably named forms of paralysis of all time.

Number of legs

Four

Other ratings of the elephant

“The elephant SAYS it’s working for regular pachyderms. But the TRUTH is it’s in the INCREDIBLY LARGE POCKET of BIG PEANUT.” – anti-elephant attack ad, paid for by a series of nested shell corporations

“Loser loser, chicken dinner. The elephant is both ON the hook and ON the chain.” – Guy Fieri

“Is the elephant good? Yes! But is it elite? Without a championship on its resume, I don’t think I can say it is.” – Jay Bilas

“The female has a well-developed clitoris at up to 40 cm (16 in).” – Wikipedia

What’s its astrological sign?

Cappadonna.

Military usage

The elephant was used for wars because it was “nature’s tank, which is a comparison we will understand once the tank is invented.”

What if it fought a bear?

Well, have you ever heard a song called “War Bear?” Would you like to? Here’s my demo tape. But to answer the question at hand, elephant wins.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The elephant may not have found a political identity that fits it yet, but there’s no need to put its stances in a box. What would you even do with the box once you had it? Commit an Operation Dumbo Drop? No one wants that. What we should want is to spend some time in the company of the sweet-natured elephant.

It kind of is in the pocket of Big Peanut though.

 

 

8/10

Thanks for coming

Bye now!

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Quail

Quail

The quail and mankind used to be friends a long time ago.

"You wanna go cruise for babes?"

But I haven’t thought of you lately at all. (Photo from Des Moines Register)

Now, of course, humanity’s BFF is the dog. But in the long-distant past, that role was filled by the quail. Accounts differ as to what exactly broke up the then-inseparable pair. One story is that the quail ate something in the fridge that man was saving for later. One rumor is that man said something bad about the quail’s girlfriend, or possibly its fondue start-up business. Some say the break-up was caused by a betrayal in a game of foursquare, though there’s no consensus on who was the betrayer.

Special powers

Look man, what do you want? It’s the quail. The only power we thought it had was loyalty and if the story about the fridge is true, we know that’s not so. We wanted the rest of that chicken wrap for dinner, quail! We wanted it so bad.

Weaknesses

The qual is subject to the whims and orders of the king quail.

A certain kind of quail was, in punishment for the crime of murder, cursed to forever repeat the name of its victim, Bob White.

Number of legs

Two. Plus two wings.

Wikipedia’s Talk Page Asks

“I Would Like To ?buy Fresh Water Drinkers For thirtytwothirtyfour Naseby 4rd B’ham Beight threHe For Sabina Insha Allah I Will Pay When zit -arrives”

What if it fought a bear?

The quail would challenge the bear to a game of foursquare. The bear would maul it instead.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

We may not remember exactly what you did to us, quail, but we will never forgive you. The dog is way cooler than you, anyway. It would never eat our wrap. It… It puked on the floor and now it’s eating the puke.

…The point stands.

 

3.5/10

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Skink

Skink

If it looks like a lizard, walks like a lizard, sounds like a lizard, and kisses like a lizard, it might be a skink.

five-lined skink

I don’t know, man.

At any rate, it is the foremost purveyor of dancing to ska music.

Special powers

The skink can ditch its tail if need be, and it doesn’t need a hundred and twenty-seven whole hours to do it.

Weaknesses

The skink can be a real stinker.

blue-tongued skink

How rude!

Also, it released a super-weak Harlem Shake video about three weeks too late.

Number of legs

Between four and zero.

Varieties

There are so very many sorts of skinks. Some of the highlights include…

Mole skink: The moleman equivalent of standard skinks.

Four-toed Earless skink: This skink has four toes and no ears.

Desert lidless skink: This desert-dwelling skink refuses to wear hats.

Gilbert’s skink: Despite the title, this skink really belongs to Derrick. Gilbert is a liar and a skink-thief.

Blotched blue-tongued skink: A brutish mook, willing to sell its talents to the highest bidder.

Mount Cooper striped lerista: Claims to have invented Tinder and been “Zuckerberged to hell.”

Fire skink: First of the elemental skinks.

Southern water skink: Another elemental skink, cool but rude.

Southern grass skink: The most reluctant and peaceful of the elemental skinks.

Ghost-type skink: It’s super effective!

Prickly skink: Don’t believe the hype. This skink is a real sweetheart underneath it all.

Florida sand skink: The Scary Spice of being the Scooby-Dum of skinks.

Chernov’s skink: Its parents pressured this skink to become a dancer, but it dreams of getting its real estate license.

Chekhov’s skink: If a skink is introduced in the first act, it will dance by the end of the third act.

Terror skink: This skink has unusual teeth which suggest that unlike most skinks, the terror skink feeds exclusively on more… substantial prey. Only one terror skink has been seen since 1876, and that sighting was in 2003. Where are the others, then? Where have they been hiding? What have they seen of us? What dark secrets of ours do they hold, and what are they waiting for?

terror skink

Maybe there’s one in that room with you right now.

Wikipedia’s Talk Page Has Had Enough Talk

“Bla Bla Bla, guys. I have a skink in my backyard, and I will take a real picture of it.”

What if it fought a bear?

If all approximately 1500 skinks fought the bear, assuming proper rest times between matches, they would go 487-1006-7.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

I fear what the terror skink has planned for us when it returns. And I have no time for its cohort’s dance stylings.

 

2/10

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Seagull

Seagull

The biggest name in coastal birds is the seagull. Much like the biggest name in hamburgers is McDonald’s. The seagull is the McDonald’s of beach creatures. That’s not a compliment.

Special powers

Flight, of course. Though it’s also true that it is a great runner.

It worships the Ancient Ones, and may be spared or kept alive longer than the rest of us.

om nom nom

However…

Weaknesses

However, it is a very sloppy eater. It is such a sloppy eater that it extends all the way through the digestion process, right down to its reckless pooping.[1] Like many birds, it’s an idiot. It is also classless. It showed up to the raven‘s wedding in cargo shorts so it could hold more beers.

Number of legs

Two.

Wikipedia’s talk page asks

“Wouldn’t a nice photo of two gulls fighting over the entrails of a herring be a better shot to have uppermost in the giull wikipedia page?”

Other ratings of the seagull

“The herring gull is one of the most successful of birds.” – The Kingfisher Illustrated Encyclopedia of Animals

“An unfortunate misstep that will undoubtedly damage the bird brand.” – Alan Sepinwall

“Promising in concept, flawed in execution. Shipping was fast.” – Amazon user Caitlyn P.

“Terrible. 9.6/10” – IGN

Related sports teams

There are not many teams named for the seagull, but those that are know the pride and fulfillment of achieving victory as a Seagull. Two Australian rugby teams have worn the uniform of the Seagull, but one abandoned it to become the Chargers. You know, like the thing that plugs your phone into the wall. They have brought shame and dishonor upon themselves by choosing this coward’s way out. Once a Seagull, always a Seagull.

Go Sammy Go!

You let down Sammy the Sea Gull of Salisbury University, Gold Coast.

What if it fought a bear?

It would lose.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

You know the saying, “You are what you eat.” The seagull eats garbage.

 

2.5/10



[1]Just like McDonald’s.

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