Tag Archives: Wahlberg

Howler monkey

Howler monkey

Everyone knows the howler monkey is nature’s hype man. Let’s be honest; human hype men have proven themselves all too fallible. Consider Spliff Star going to his sister’s wedding right when Busta Rhymes needed him most to pump up the crowd. Consider Lil Jon lowering his voice in a Quizno’s in August 2011. Consider Flavor Flav becoming obsessed with clocks and destroying the Batman.

Clock King

“Yeahhhh boyeee hostage!” – Flavor Flav, on Robin

While mankind stumbled, the howler monkey remained steadfast in its duties. When other animals of the rain forest act, the howler monkey is there to shout out reports on how awesome things are, instructions on whether to make some noise, and responses to rhetorical questions.

Special powers

The howler monkey is such a good hype man because of its natural characteristics. It is the loudest land animal. So, when it instructs everyone in here to get crunk, everyone in there hears it. And due to natural stage presence, they’re inclined to acquiesce.

Howler monkeys

Who can say no to these guys?


Unlike many other primates, the howler monkey does not have any pads on its rump. I am talking no pads at all. Can you imagine what that must be like for it? Not to have those? I’m guessing just mega-rough.

Number of legs

Four, plus a prehensile tail.


The howler monkey has hooked up with numerous performers. It first reached prominence in the Northern Hemisphere when Marky “Mark” Wahlberg lost the Funky Bunch to the howler monkey in an intense game of sabacc.* That collaboration was short-lived. Others include:

  • Cypress Hill
  • Beastie Boys
  • Bill Clinton
  • Jeezy
  • Weezy
  • Queasy
  • Parcheesi
  • Weezy Jefferson
  • George Lopez (Lopez Tonight, Feb. 2010-March 2010)

Horrifying Smithsonian website quote

The Smithsonian, on locating the howler monkey: “However, if you do find yourself in the rainforest and it seems that an unusually large amount of fruit is falling from above or a fine spray of urine rains down on your head, you will know you are close!”

What if it fought a bear?

The howler monkey doesn’t really participate in fights, but it does a great job promoting one.

Is it noble?


Final rating

It can sometimes come off as a bit of a one-note supporting player in the rain forest ecology, but the role it plays is vital. Without this “town crier,” no new ideas or club bangers would gain traction. South and Central America owe the howler monkey a great debt.

On the other hand, it can get annoying to listen to. And that urine thing is messed up.






*For more New Kids on the Block related information, please read my mantis shrimp review.

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Mantis shrimp

Mantis shrimp

Welcome to the second post of Shrimp Week here at Rate Every Animal. Shockingly, today’s subject (the mantis shrimp) is not a shrimp at all. Nor is it even a mantis.

Q: But… But what is it then?

A: Great question.

Q: You’re too kind. I do what I can.

A: I just recognize excellence when I see it. But more to the topic at hand, the mantis shrimp can be best categorized as an alien.

Mantis shrimp

“This planet will suit my purposes.”

We do not know what planet spawned it, nor why the mantis shrimp came to our oceans.

Q: What do we know?

A: Dang it you, get out of here. We know is that it has been here for years; it is a formidable foe; and it has been building.

Special powers

The mantis shrimp is the proud owner of the world’s fastest punch. It can throw its claws at such speeds that its targets literally explode. The only terrestrial beast to achieve this technique is the pistol shrimp, and even it is only a brown belt compared to the mantis shrimp’s complete mastery.*


It is also the proud owner of the world’s most extensive New Kids on the Block collection. This of course includes their entire discography on all available formats, but it also extends to posters, backpacks, mugs, themed humidors, faux license plates, commemorative pepper sprays and convincing Donnie Wahlberg masks. Oddly, and for its own reasons, the mantis shrimp does not recognize NKOTBSB.

Mantis shrimp as Donnie Wahlberg

The mantis shrimp wearing one of its prize possessions.

Number of legs



Science has attempted for years to scrute the mantis shrimp’s intentions, but it cannot be scruted. The mantis shrimp’s alien mind is, like its number of legs, ultimately unknowable.

What is it building?

Sweet Christmas I hope it’s not something to destroy us.

What if it fought a bear?

Assuming the bear is not one of the Knight brothers,** the mantis shrimp would punch the bear so hard it blows up.

Is it noble?

It is beyond our small human conceptions of nobility.

Final rating

Please, mantis shrimp. Please have mercy on us.

Heaven help us, if you come at us, we will start offing New Kids on the Block.





*The mantis shrimp’s belt color is a secret higher level – the name of which only black belts can even know.

**For a list of other famous people who are bears, please see my future bear post.

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