Tag Archives: vaporware bird

Cock-of-the-rock

Cock-of-the-rock

The cock-of-the-rock isn’t a household name, not even in the silliest, most rhyme-loving of houses. You may recognize its face, however, from your nightmares:

Andean cock-of-the-rock

“I’m back…for your soul.”

There are two kinds of cock-of-the-rock: Andean and Guianan. A third species was announced in 1992, but has been delayed over and over ever since. It’s the Chinese Democracy of birds, except that actually came out. It’s the Duke Nukem Forever of birds. Well, that came out too. It’s the Detox of birds. Are we good? Is that comparison good?[1]

Special powers

The cock-of-the-rock is notable for the prominent crest on its head and the fact that its unblinking eye sees every iniquity you thought was secret.

Weaknesses

We’re still waiting for that third species, cock-of-the-rock. At least Dre has released some headphones and taken up supervillainy, you know?

Dr. Dre

Protective equipment is the only thing between him and those blinding beats.

Number of legs

Two.

Do I own a Beanie Baby of it?

Only in my worst nightmares.

Etymology

Cock-of-the-rock is, to put it lightly, a unique name. It raises so many questions, only a few of which can be voiced in polite company. No one is quite sure why the bird is so called, but its favorite band is The Darkness, so one kinda wonders if that’s connected.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear is already prone to madness; the sight of the cock-of-the-rock would send it over the edge.

Is it noble?

No.

God help us, no.

Final rating

The cock-of-the-rock has seen your sins. It has tasted your lies and found them sweet. It’s possible to avoid it, of course. All you have to do is just never sleep again.

Guianan cock-of-the-rock

Never again.

aaaaaaaahhhhh

Not even once.

 

2/10

 

 

 

[1]Yeah, we’re good.

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