Tag Archives: tongue

Sun bear

Sun bear

The time has come to cover another of the sun’s avatars. Today, I give you: the sun bear.

Special powers

The aspect of the sun that the sun bear represents is its heat. Do not anger the sun bear. Do not hug the sun bear. Do not french kiss the sun bear.

The reason for that last one is unrelated to its thermodynamic powers.

The reason for that last one is unrelated to its thermodynamic powers.

According to the Kingfisher Illustrated Encyclopedia of Animals, the sun bear “is an expert at getting bees’ nests out of trees.” This was a real wake-up call to me on the relative narrowness of what I think of as skills one could be called an “expert” at.

Also, it has a real long tongue and is great at climbing.

Weaknesses

The sun bear is the smallest of the bears at around 4 feet, 110 pounds. It developed its superb climbing skills so it wouldn’t have to ask for help to reach honey jars on the top shelf.

It has to share the nickname of “honey bear” with the kinkajou, who isn’t even a real bear. But due to the terms of a bet, it has a one-week-on, one-week-off partial custody of the moniker.

Number of legs

Four.

What does Mark Trail think of it?

He won't shut up about it.

He won’t shut up about it.

What if it fought a bear?

The sun bear has everything a bear has, minus size plus the heat of the sun. It wins.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The power of a bear, the heat of the sun, the dopey honey-loving personality of a pooh. Put it all together, what have you got? The sun bear. That should have been obvious, given the subject of the review.

 

 

9/10

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Fruit bat

Fruit bat

Not as spooky as most other bats, the fruit bat is the perfect entry point into the order Chiroptera for beginners.

Special powers

It has the usual bat powers: flight, hanging upside-down from stuff. The fruit bat also has a tongue so long that when it’s not in use, most of it has to be stored in a pocket dimension within the fruit bat’s innards.

nyaaaaa

The fruit bat is part krampus.

It’s smart enough to eat fruit instead of bugs, a decision I’m sure most of us would agree with.

Weaknesses

The fruit bat feels a burning need to compose and publish comments on pornographic internet videos.

Despite there being 160 species of fruit bat, it lives exclusively in the Old World.[1] First off, that’s the past, man, and second, it’s just never been to Disney World? Euro Disney doesn’t count.

The fruit bat has no tail. It also lacks the facial skin folds that aid in echolocation in other bats. Fortunately, fruit is easier prey than insects.[2]

Number of legs

Two, plus wings.

Aliases

The fruit bat is also known as the megabat and flying fox. One of these names is inaccurate and the other seems braggy.

Celebrity birthdays

The fruit bat shares a birthday with…

  • Barenaked Ladies frontman Ed Robertson. An earlier version of the line “I’m the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral” was “I’m the kind of guy who cries at a child’s birthday party,” which itself was a replacement for the original line “I am like an opposites guy.”

  • The Premier League footballer known only as “¡Philip!

  • Kel Kimble, the man on whom the Nickelodeon character was based, as of 2000 tragically dead of a soda overdose.

What if it fought a bear?

Two animals or fruits enter. One animal or fruit leaves.

It doesn’t always win fights against fruit.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

“Megabat” may be braggy, but it’s not far off.

 

 

9/10

 

[1]There are bats that eat fruit in the New World, but they are from a different suborder. Don’t get it twisted.

[2]Hence the comparatively very low sales of fruit swatters.

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Komodo dragon

Komodo dragon

There is an island where lives a fascinating creature with a misleading name: the komodo dragon.

Komodo dragon

Nickname “Dr. Nomodo”

I say misleading because the komodo dragon is not a true dragon. It lacks wings. Its fire-breathing is poor at best. It does, however, love guarding gold.

Special powers

Terrible as it is at it, the komodo dragon does breathe some fire, which is more than most can claim. It is also very very big for a lizard. Its tongue is tremendously talented; it can taste from 800 yards away, detect smells as subtle as 0.01 PU* per million, and play the piano.

Komodo dragon tongue

The komodo’s tongue prefers old standards and showtunes.

The komodo dragon is also an excellent baker.

Weaknesses

The fire-breathing is really bad. Just really shoddy work. Beyond that, the komodo dragon is terrified to leave its island, much as people with agoraphobia are terrified to go to agoras.

Also, an inability to snap.

Number of legs

Four.

Blood style (on a scale of hot to cold)

The komodo dragon is an ectotherm. It requires external heat in order to remain active. From time to time, it can be self-sufficient by warming itself with its own fire breath. While this would be case closed for a true dragon, this strategy is far from reliable for the komodo. So, it supplements that with other sources of heat, such as Snuggies, lamps, laying on the vent, and freshly baked bread (see Special powers).

Horrifying Wikipedia quote

“Copious amounts of red saliva that the Komodo dragons produce help to lubricate the food, but swallowing is still a long process (15–20 minutes to swallow a goat).”

What if it fought a bear?

If the komodo dragon’s gold was in danger of being stolen by the bear (which is plausible considering the bear’s track record as a thief), it would shut that bear down.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

It’s not hard to see why the komodo dragon doesn’t want to leave its island. It’s a cool place, and surprisingly cozy for a volcanic base (dated though the wood-paneled walls may be). Still, it’s a very insular life to live. And this ties in a bit with its gold, too. How about sharing some of that with the world, komodo dragon? You don’t even have an economy!

Still, it’s a challenge to stay mad at someone who can play “Chopsticks” with its tongue.

 

7.5/10

 

 

*Standing for “Pee-you Units”

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