Tag Archives: time travel

Earthworm

[Programming note: I should acknowledge that this blog sure doesn’t seem to be weekly any more. You can subscribe to get word when a new animal goes up either through the RSS feed or the email form near the bottom of every page, and of course I’ll always share the links on Twitter and Facebook.]

Earthworm

Maybe this is just homerism, but I truly believe that Earth has the greatest worms in the galaxy. Our flagship worm, of course, is the earthworm.

earthworm

Represent!

Of course even I must admit they and all our other worms could possibly be bested by the sand worms of Arrakis, if they really are as described, but I think all that’s just some of Frank Herbert’s signature hyperbole.

Special powers

There are two categories of time travel: Hot Tub and Not Tub. The earthworm’s falls into the latter, as it uses “wormholes” for interdimensional travel. All the major time periods, like the Jurassic Period, the Gilded Age, the Attitude Era… they’re all at the earthworm’s metaphorical fingertips.

Should it get injured in its adventures through time and space, the earthworm has a tremendous healing factor. It can regenerate from just a li’l nubbin’.[1]

Also, it possesses both male and female sex organs, allowing the earthworm to line up with its partner and perform what’s known as “Sixty-Nine 2, the sequel to the hit.”

Weaknesses

The earthworm has no skeleton anywhere – not on the inside, not on the outside, not even one stored away in a closet for a rainy day.

It also has no eyes. It thinks of this approach to having a body as “no frills” but in my opinion there are some corners you just don’t cut.

Number of legs

None.

Missed opportunities

It’s kind of messed up that the earthworm can visit all of time and space and all it does with this power is dig around in the dirt, but it makes the soil better for plants, so I shouldn’t complain. Thanks, I guess.

What if it fought a bear?

All the earthworm has to do is open a wormhole in the bear’s middle, destroying it both forwards and backwards along its timeline. That’s why you never see the bear fighting the earthworm. I’m sure you’ve wondered.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

Thank you for all you do, earthworm. But do something nice for yourself and get some eyes.

 

 

8.5/10

 

 

[1]Scientific term.

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Halibut

Halibut

San Diego Comic-Con was this past weekend, a time when our favorite corporate overlords release information about new entertainments to which we can look forward. This year, there were some juicy scoops, and I’ve got the best ones right here…

  • In the ongoing saga of Batman v. Superman, Superman filed the paperwork to countersue the Gotham vigilante.
  • We got our first look at the Dexter movie, continuing the adventures of the Showtime serial serial killer killer. In the exclusive footage, we witness the following dialogue…

CIA OPERATIVE: Dexter, we need you back – now more than ever!

DEXTER: I’m out of the game. I kill trees now, not men.

CIA OPERATIVE: This isn’t a man we’re talking about. It’s a monster.

DEXTER: Just when I thought I was a lumberjack, they pull me back in.

  • The dark, gritty live-action Grape Ape reboot is moving forward, finally handling the source material with the gravity it deserves. Michael Bay is attached to produce.
  • LEGO Entourage: The Video Game will get a downloadable expansion pack called Turtle’s Big Day.
  • In the proud tradition of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Blues Brothers 2000, Psycho II, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps, and The Rage: Carrie 2 (each everyone’s favorite in their respective series), the long-awaited sequel to Saving Private Ryan, titled Ryan: Shadow’s Legend, will at last hit the silver screen and doubtlessly be even greater than the first!
  • A man in glasses announced just some real nerdy business I didn’t understand.
  • Neil DeGrasse Tyson carefully and patiently explained over and over again that his show is non-fiction and that he didn’t need to come up with what “feels” his “character” would be experiencing. George Takei was on hand to repeat any science facts with added bacon references and Internet memes.
  • Fans rallied to demand a sixteenth season of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation in hopes of getting one step closer to the promise of “twenty-nine seasons and a movie, and the Tarantino episode doesn’t count!”
  • The new writer of the Green Lantern comic assured fans that the titular hero will be a “strong male character, as deadly as he is handsome.”
  • Mrs. Doubtfire: Origins will explore over five to nine television seasons the period before the marital problems or the Doubtfire disguise.
  • Doctor Who’s title will be corrected to its original intention, Doctor When. “It’s embarrassing that we’ve gone this long without fixing that,” admitted one producer.
  • Just in time for its fortieth anniversary, The Secret Lives of Waldo Kitty will return, exclusively on Zune.
  • After a long period being non-canon, the halibut is returning to continuity.

Let’s focus in on the last one.

Special powers

It might seem like the halibut was never gone, but that’s because its reintegration into our reality is being done as a retcon, or “retroactive con.” The story and our memories now are that it was always around, but the truth is it was tied up in rights issues for years. The halibut will be mostly unchanged from the old version.

It is still the black and white cookie of the sea, thanks to its dark top and white bottom. It can still time travel. It can still make bubbles. It is still bigger than you probably think – weighing up to hundreds of pounds.

Halibut: The black and white cookie of the sea.

Halibut: The black and white cookie of the sea.

Weaknesses

Not everything is the same, though. Some of the halibut’s more ridiculous special powers have been stripped away, in an effort to streamline the fish and make it more relatable. It no longer has super-hypnosis, phasing, the penance stare, or the ability to pull physical items out of its own thought balloons.

Number of legs

None.

Celebrity birthdays

The halibut shares a birthday with

  • Theedge, guitarist for U2
  • Gordon Darkhand, who many assume to be a twisted copy of Gordon Lightfoot, but it’s actually the other way around.
  • Colin Powell

What if it fought a bear?

Original Halibut could destroy the bear in a heartbeat. Rebooted Halibut would need eight to ten rounds to win.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

Welcome back, halibut. It’s like you never left.

 

7.5/10

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Stegosaurus

Stegosaurus

What killed the dinosaurs? Was it a Great Flood? Was it an Armageddon? Was it a Deep Impact? Was it a flap of Jeff Goldblum‘s wings? The answer, believe it or not, is tied to this week’s animal, our hundredth here at Rate Every Animal, the stegosaurus.

stegosaurus

Happy 100, everybody! Well, mostly me. I did it.

The stegosaurus died all those years back with the other dinosaurs, right? Well, yes and no. It did die in the past (hence the bones), but it did not originate there. The stegosaurus is from the future. It has traveled all around the timestream, but it spent a lot of its time in two eras in particular: the late Jurassic and the early 1940s.[1]

While in the ’40s, the stegosaurus befriended some scientists. It offered to assist them in developing something known as the Manhattan Project.[2] They needed a safe place to test their bomb. The stegosaurus died in an attempt to test the atomic bomb in an unpopulated area in the late Cretaceous – specifically Old Pterosaur Johnson‘s house while he was away on vacation. Obviously, the stegosaur had never heard the old time-traveler’s rhyme about transporting nuclear material through time outside of a protective aluminum package. Perhaps if it had a time-traveler role model to look up to, that role model could have taught the stegosaurus stuff like that.

Special powers

The stegosaurus has access to a time machine. It also has giant spiky plates coming out of its back and tail like some kinda Battlebot. The tail spikes are called the thagomizer, because of a cartoon Gary Larson made and it’s crap like this that makes weirdos believe scientists are just making things up as they go along.

The Far Side

“The fate of Thag Simmons notwithstanding, dinosaurs and humans did not exist in the same era,” Wikipedia helpfully adds.

Weaknesses

The stegosaurus might still be alive today/yesterday/tomorrow if not for its lack of a time-traveling mentor.

It also suffers from a famously tiny, tiny, barely-there brain. Less commented upon is its weak lungs, but the stegosaurus can’t go for fifteen minutes of physical activity without coming to a wheezy stop.

Number of legs

Four.

Drink of choice

3-D-printed sriracha-infused vodka Red Bull, or a Moscow Mule, depending on availability.

Notable accomplishments

Beyond helping the Manhattan Project along, the stegosaurus has also used its time-traveling ways to save Crimean War era Europe from the Cybermen, prevent the birth of Adolfina Hitler, win Card Sharks, give Thomas Dam the idea for troll dolls, and eat ferns from over 100 different centuries.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear would get thagomized.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The stegosaurus is a good dinosaur, despite being from the future. I mean, it spent most of its time among the dinosaurs; it acts like a dinosaur; it looks like a dinosaur – and a cool one, at that. I’m calling it a dinosaur.

It would deserve a high rating even if it hadn’t saved history at least twice. But it did, and that more than makes up for the puny brain.

 

9/10

 

 

 

[1]It also liked to occasionally go to the mid-2020s to cut loose with some laser-disco and 3-D-printed sriracha-infused vodka Red Bulls.

[2]Ironically, Manhattan Project scientists preferred Moscow Mules.

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Hamster

Hamster

Dialing back from the exotic and obscure, we turn today to the domesticated and common. And what is more uninspiring a pet than the hamster?

Special powers

The hamster is an accomplished escape artist. Does this surprise you? It shouldn’t. Think of every hamster story – okay, think of both hamster stories you’ve heard. They both involve the hamster in question getting free from whatever had been constraining it.

hamster outdoors

This hamster was convicted of double homicide.

The hamster put this preternatural ability to good use in the Second World War after being captured by the Nazis. The classic sitcom “Hogan’s Heroes” was originally titled “Hogan’s Hamtaros” before being retooled by anti-hamster CBS executives. The more hamster-friendly heads of ABC were turned off by the idea of a sitcom being set in a Nazi war camp. NBC, meanwhile, was preoccupied with the development of the similarly conceived but ultimately doomed “The Wackiest Ship in the Army”* which featured a cast made entirely of ferrets.

Weaknesses

When it’s not escaping confinement, the hamster basically doesn’t do anything. Beyond that, its bowels are horribly weak. Seriously, try startling the hamster, but make sure it’s not standing on your good rug when you do.

Number of legs

Four.

Infrastructure

The hamster is one of the rare animals to utilize its own travel infrastructure. In the 1950s, U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower authorized the creation of a nation-spanning series of plastic tubes for the cross-country transport of hamsters. Because the tubes connect through wrinkles in space-time, the system grew beyond Eisenhower’s authority and now covers the globe. You’ve likely seen very small parts of it, perhaps through the glass of some terrarium, but no human eye can understand all seven of its dimensions.

hamster tubes

One of these leads to Space Egypt.

What if it fought a bear?

The hamster was trained by Special Forces. It knows three ways to kill the bear from here right now.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

The hamster is technically a war hero, I guess. But man it’s just so dull. Thanks to Ike, this thing basically has the mobility of a Time Lord, and what does it do with that? Collect unusual postcards. Really, dude?

 

5.5/10

 

 

*How it didn’t get renewed is a mystery to me; this video clip is a laugh riot! And the ferrets are very convincing!

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