Tag Archives: tentacles

Dana octopus squid

Dana octopus squid

Take a long, hard look at this critter.

dana octopus squid caught on camera

No short, soft looks.

Is it octopus? Is it squid? Is it Dana? I tricked you; it is the Dana octopus squid.

Special powers

The Dana octopus squid can flash bright lights from its arms to confuse and blind its enemies or communicate across long distances or put on the most complex shadow puppet plays you could ever care to witness.

On each of these arms – of which there are eight – are claws.

Weaknesses

Having claws on top of suckers on tentacles makes the Dana octopus squid just about the worst at hugs.

Number of legs

Eight.

Apology Corner

I’m sorry I tricked you earlier with my clever intro section prank.

Magazine subscriptions

No earthly post office will deliver to the deep deep sea the Dana octopus squid makes its home. It has to get by on whatever vintage Hustlers sink into its grasp.

What if it fought a bear?

It would demolish the bear.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

The Dana octopus squid is very mysterious, mildly pervy, and a genius in the art of shadow puppetry.

 

 

7.5/10

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Sea anemone

Sea anemone

My copy of the Kingfisher Illustrated Encyclopedia of Animals calls the sea anemone “the best known of the so-called ‘flower animals.’” For several reasons, I’m finding it difficult to disagree with this assertion.

The sea anemone is the roommate of our old friend the clownfish. They like to think they make quite a wacky pairing, but their self-perceived zaniness far outweighs their actual zaniness. That said, they do keep a peppy bass beat on in the background when they’re both home and the sea anemone’s mouth and anus are one and the same, so they’re not entirely unzany.

Special powers

Its sharp wit.

Weaknesses

The sea anemone has no skeleton, which means it will never know the pleasure of drinking milk to give itself strong bones.

sea anemone

I’ve got strong bones, anemone, and you don’t. You got nothing on these bones.

It also suffers from low mobility and abysmal hustle.

Number of legs

No legs, but lots of tentacles.

Wikipedia’s Talk Page Says

“Also, there is a picture whose caption indicates two anemones are in ‘clone war’ but there is no description of what ‘clone war’ is, or maybe its vandalism, but I dont know enough.”

Indeed, years ago, the sea anemone served my father in the Clone Wars. Now he begs it to help him in his struggle against the Empire.

Varieties

The sea anemone comes in more flavors than jelly beans. These include:

  • Venus flytrap sea anemone:

    venus flytrap anemone

    Does what it says on the box.

  • Banded tube-dwelling anemone:

    banded tube-dwelling anemone

    A nightmare spider-squid.

  • Magnificent sea anemone:

    magnificent sea anemone

    Very full of itself. Was invented by Lewis Carroll.

  • Jewel anemone:

    it lived in a van a while

    The most poetic of the anemones, and a militant freegan.

  • Pale anemone:

    pale anemone

    And I looked, and behold a pale anemone: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him.

  • Snakelocks anemone:

    Full name Snakelocks Percival Anemone II

    One of Harry Potter’s most fiendish nemeses.

  • Hidden anemone:

    One of the most elusive animals known.

    One of the most elusive animals known.

Is it a good roommate?

Yes.

What if it fought a bear?

Being outside the water might kill it before the bear could.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

I deduct six points for the pale anemone inevitably ushering in the apocalypse. But hey, good for it for cleaning its own dishes.

 

 

1/10

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