Tag Archives: teddy bear



We have learned in this blog, that if it looks like a dracula, walks like a dracula, and talks like a dracula, it’s probably a dracula.


But not all draculas are so unsubtle. Some hide their vampiric ways in the body of a teddy bear. Well, just one runs that particular scam, really, and its name is the wombat.

What is a wombat?

What is a wombat? An adorable pile of dracula traits.

Special powers

The wombat has a special advantage against potential slayers in that it lacks a neck, leaving little opportunity for beheadings.

Its incisors never stop growing. It is only through the wombat trying to sink its fangs into tough plants, rocks and personal belongings that they are ever worn down.


It is not great at figuring out what things have blood.

Also, wooden stakes, silver, sunlight, garlic, and Little Debbie brand snack cakes.

Number of legs



The wombat is something of a restless spirit. It has lived in Transylvania, Hanselvania, Castlevania, Anselvania Adams, Wrestlevania and Australia. After college, it backpacked around Maryland in a misguided attempt to be different from its peers.

The wombat was not born with this love of travel, though. For five solid months, the wombat remained confined not just to its birthplace, not just to its home, not just to a room or basement, but to its mother’s pouch. Millennials, am I right?

What if it fought a man in brown shorts?

The wombat has a fierce and undying hatred of men in brown shorts, and it will never quit. The wombat is the number one cause of death among UPS drivers.

What if it fought a bear?

What is a bear? A miserable pile of brown shorts.

Is it noble?


Final rating

In general, I am pro-UPS driver, at least as far as not wanting them to die. The wombat is a wonderful combination of danger and cuddliness, but I can not endorse its bigotry and murders. For those, I must dock it half a point.




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Giant panda

Giant panda

In a stunning first for Rate Every Animal, I have secured an exclusive interview with the subject of my review.[1] That’s right. Today I present to you the giant panda.

Panda with bamboo jazz flute

I bet you didn’t know it can play flute.

It is a very famous animal. Perhaps you think you already know a lot about it, such as the fact that it has very specific dietary needs. There’s one type of sustenance it prefers above all else: Faygo. The panda is a Faygan, consuming only Faygo and Faygo-derived products.

Faygo, sweet nectar of the juggalo

Faygo’s website is currently featuring Uncle Kracker. Come on, Faygo. Come on.

Giant Panda: Magic magic ninja what![2]

Nathan Cranor: Is this a trick question?

GP: Are you not down with the clown?

NC: I’m perfectly healthy, thanks.

GP: Ugh, come on, brotato. You’re such a muggle-o.

Special powers

NC: Panda, what would you say are your special powers?

GP: Dogg, I got talents out the ‘zoo.[3] I’m totes strong. I’m roly-poly as heck.

NC: Is that really a strength? Being roly-poly?

GP: Why don’t you ask me that when I’m ‘scapin’ all the uphill dangers?

NC: I don’t know, scheduling probably.

GP: An’ when I’m rollin’ I’m rollin’ deep. 21 style.

NC: 21?

GP: Adele, dig?

NC: Oh. That’s not what I was thinking of.

21 is a movie Kevin Spacey is in

The Space-man rolls deep also.

GP: I’m tryna explicate I gots a crew of my best compadres what got my back every time and then some. Whoop, whoop.

NC: Are they all juggalos too?


GP: Nah, somes is Independent.

NC: That’s very tolerant of you.

GP: A panda be nothin’ if not such a thing as you have described.

Number of legs

NC: How many legs do you have, in your opinion?

GP: Oh mane, you know I ain’t even see that ish in an unbiased fash’. But gun to ma nuts, I go four.

Entertainment preferences

NC: What art do you enjoy, besides the collected works of Psychopathic Records?

GP: Look, don’t be scribin’ a world where I’m defined by ICP. ‘S just a facet. Like, you know I flip on the teev on the weekly to catch B. Notes. It’s this sick show up in USA. Characs welcome, namsayin’?

NC: No.

burn notice

Mikey West got that b. note.

GP: Further to the more, if we bein’ honest, lately I’m all up on that Brav. Real ‘swives of New Jers’, Top Chef Just ‘sserts. It ain’t make me less of a panda, Kevin, if you’s readin’ this.

NC: Moving on…

GP: Slow down, brolio vaccine. I ain’t yet mention which of the books I favor.

NC: I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared to ask.

GP: You laid eyes on these Hungry Games? That Katniss chick represents ‘strict 12 like a boss.

Petability factor

NC: Let’s not mince words; you’re very fuzzy.

GP: You’re speakin’ truth to power with that one, dogg.

NC: What’s your stance on petting?

GP: Not my fave. Usually it’s got more than a tinge of that condescensh. But I know what I been given, and deprivin’ the world of it ain’t a place I can call mine. Sometimes you take one for the team, namsayin’?

NC: What if you fought a bear?

GP: What, like one of them brown squares? A grizz? Or like slothy B? I know I can take on the latter, not so for sure on the former.

Is it noble?

NC: No.

GP: What’s this now?

Final rating

NC: Thank you for doing this interview, giant panda.

GP: I got ‘preciation for you for lettin’ me get my voice out there, namsayin’, tickle-me-elbro?

NC: This interview is over. (storms out, ripping microphone off of shirt)

GP: …Yeah, I know. Hence the wrap-up. Think I can’t catch a drift? I’m windfarm status in the area of drift-catching.

giant panda

Grabbin’ up the drifts wherever they fall.

…Okay, let me be the first to admit that what I did was unprofessional. But that Elmo pun really rubbed me the wrong way, like a certain kind of plush animal upon any sensor-triggering touch.

Fortunately, I walked out on the end of the interview, so you haven’t lost any content. There should be enough to show that the giant panda is, well, a bit much. Namsayin’?







Footnotes    (↵ returns to text)

  1. I have done interviews before, as in my consultation of Anna Paquin, but that was about an animal completely separate from Anna Paquin.
  2. I later learned that this is a secret greeting amongst the gentle juggalo, of which the panda counts itself. Greet Vice President Joseph Biden in this way and you may just get a tour of his hidden “man-cave.”
  3. Wazoo. I can’t translate it further than that.
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It’s often said that the koala is a kind of bear. This is foolishness of the highest order.*


Does this look like a koala to you? Does it really?

Cutest koala

And this? Does this look like the first picture? Do you need glasses?

The koala is more accurately classified as a teddy bear, the creature that shares a name, but only a handful of characteristics with actual bears. Notable members of the teddy bear family include the panda, Fozzie, wombat, Snorlax, Ursa Minor and Pooh. Teddy bears have shorter snouts and teeth which are far less powerful.

The koala eats only eucalyptus, in sharp contrast to its proper bear relative, the drop bear, which is a savage beast and master of aerial strikes.

Special powers

The koala is a peaceful being, with little need for offensive capabilities. Because it is so slow and weak, it has developed an affinity for mystical glamors – spells which make the koala appear either invisible or as something it is not. Favorite glamors of the koala include disguising itself as a drop bear, parking sign or another, smaller tree growing on the eucalyptus tree. If you’ve ever seen a parking sign, you may have actually had an encounter with the koala.


Again, the koala is weak and slow. It also has a family history of diabetes.

Number of legs


Invulnerability to coughing

The koala, because of its eucalyptus diet, never coughs. Not even once.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear is not one to fall for cheap parlor tricks. No amount of witchcraft could protect the koala.

Is it noble?


Final rating

The koala keeps to himself. He is a good neighbor, quiet and unassuming. Doesn’t seem like the type to do anything wrong.





*Well, not the highest.

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