Tag Archives: supervillainy

Octopus

Octopus

“Octopussy! She is Octopussy!
Beware her ink
You’re sure to sink
Into her sea of lies
Her advanced eyes
Will see you meet your doom
At the eight strong hands of Octopussy!”

 – Theme from Octopussy

Those lyrics are as true today as they were the day they were written. The octopus is not just a fanciful foe of James Bond. It is all too real, my friend.

octopus

This could be just an inch below your feet any time you’re in the ocean. Have fun!

Special powers

We mammals all have a heart inside us. Most others are the same way. The octopus, clearly just showing off, has three.[1]

Beyond this blood-pumping triple threat, the octopus has many special powers: poison, considerable intelligence – including tool use, ink squirting, the ability to change color at will, excellent vision, a salivary papilla which is a tooth-covered organ that shoots out from its sharp beak, etcetera.

There are even specializations on top of all that. The mimic octopus does impressions and is a wizard. Paul the Octopus was a psychic who predicted World Cup winners, but could not foresee his own untimely death in a car accident.

Weaknesses

We mammals all have a spooky skeleton inside us. Most others are the same way, or wear their skeletons on the outside, as bugs do. The octopus, however, has no skeleton at all.

Contrary to popular belief, the octopus hates gardening. The Beatles, in their famous song about the subject, were using irony. You like them now, right, kids?

Number of legs

Eight, two rows of suckers each.

Courtship

The male octopus has a special sperm-filled arm dedicated to this purpose, which it breaks off its own body and gifts to a female in a tasteful but creative ceremony. For a spell, flash mobs and jumbotrons were popular ways to make the offering, but are now looked on as cliché.

What if it fought a bear?

That bear you think you see is just the octopus doing a pretend. The real bear was defeated thirty-five minutes ago.

Is it noble?

The octopus’s motives are known only to itself.

Final rating

This inscrutable creature is very powerful indeed. Honestly, I’d say it’s OP and ready for a nerf. And no, I’m not just saying that because I am being repeatedly owned. I don’t need to learn 2 play, octopus! I know how 2 play just fine!

 

6.5/10

 

 

[1]Eat your super-sized singular heart out, Grinch.

 

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Cock-of-the-rock

Cock-of-the-rock

The cock-of-the-rock isn’t a household name, not even in the silliest, most rhyme-loving of houses. You may recognize its face, however, from your nightmares:

Andean cock-of-the-rock

“I’m back…for your soul.”

There are two kinds of cock-of-the-rock: Andean and Guianan. A third species was announced in 1992, but has been delayed over and over ever since. It’s the Chinese Democracy of birds, except that actually came out. It’s the Duke Nukem Forever of birds. Well, that came out too. It’s the Detox of birds. Are we good? Is that comparison good?[1]

Special powers

The cock-of-the-rock is notable for the prominent crest on its head and the fact that its unblinking eye sees every iniquity you thought was secret.

Weaknesses

We’re still waiting for that third species, cock-of-the-rock. At least Dre has released some headphones and taken up supervillainy, you know?

Dr. Dre

Protective equipment is the only thing between him and those blinding beats.

Number of legs

Two.

Do I own a Beanie Baby of it?

Only in my worst nightmares.

Etymology

Cock-of-the-rock is, to put it lightly, a unique name. It raises so many questions, only a few of which can be voiced in polite company. No one is quite sure why the bird is so called, but its favorite band is The Darkness, so one kinda wonders if that’s connected.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear is already prone to madness; the sight of the cock-of-the-rock would send it over the edge.

Is it noble?

No.

God help us, no.

Final rating

The cock-of-the-rock has seen your sins. It has tasted your lies and found them sweet. It’s possible to avoid it, of course. All you have to do is just never sleep again.

Guianan cock-of-the-rock

Never again.

aaaaaaaahhhhh

Not even once.

 

2/10

 

 

 

[1]Yeah, we’re good.

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Kingsnake

Kingsnake

I don’t know if you’ve ever pinned a snake up against a wall in an alley and demanded to know who it’s working for, but the answer is always the same: the kingsnake.

kingsnake

It runs things.

Special powers

The kingsnake rules over all snakes. The powers of all these slithering beasts are at its command.

Beyond being able to summon all manner of serpent to its aid, it has powers inherent in itself. Namely, biting and shape-shifting. (See Forms)

Weaknesses

It’s got no legs!

Number of legs

None at all.

Professions

The kingsnake is a full-time supervillain.

grey-banded kingsnake

It doesn’t matter how many legs it has. What matters is its plan.

It has been a part of many schemes to rule/destroy various nations/the planet. Most have failed, though notably it did spend quite some time as Genghis Khan’s replacement until Luke Cage restored the integrity of the timestream, as well as the $200 the kingsnake owed him.

Luke Cage

Where’s his money, honey?

The kingsnake’s lobbying has also been cited as a major reason for the appointment of Justice Hugo Black, the first “out” supervillain to serve on the U.S. Supreme Court.

Forms

What follows is a partial list of forms the kingsnake may take, for purposes of combat, deception, amusement, or vanity:

  • Florida kingsnake: The conceit of this character is that it has a “swamp persona” threatening to overtake at all times. It was funny the first couple times.
  • Baja Cape kingsnake: A much more flamboyant version of the kingsnake.
  • Mole kingsnake: This is to the kingsnake as the moleman is to man.[1]
  • Black kingsnake: The kingsnake’s most offensive impression.
  • Milk snake: This is the kingsnake’s take on the coral snake, but due to dyslexia, it’s just a little off. It was also once mistaken for a milkshake. Long story short, it inspired the creation of curly straws.
  • Coffee snake: This version of the kingsnake is baller at karaoke.
  • Scarlet kingsnake: An expert mixologist.
Image from West Texas Herpetological Society.

PRO-TIP: A fun way to remember the difference is through a mnemonic device, such as a rhyme.

What if it fought a bear?

The kingsnake has gone toe-to-toe with the likes of the Challengers of the Unknown and MI6 and lived to tell the tale; the bear should be no trouble.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The kingsnake is master of all it surveys, snakewise. Its dedication is incredible. But that dedication is primarily toward evil ends. And a bunch of the characters it does are kind of half-baked.

 

6/10

 

 

[1]If you like this joke, read it again in the salamander review! – Smilin’ Stan

 

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