Tag Archives: Super Bowl

Nudibranch

Nudibranch

The nudibranch is happy you’re here.

“Welcome to my rating.”

“Welcome to my rating.”

Special powers

The nudibranch is very colorful.

nudibranch1

I don’t know if that really counts as a “special power.”

nudibranch3

But I like it.

nudibranch4

Weaknesses

The nudibranch’s simple eyes are useful for little more than distinguishing dark and light.

Furthermore, it lacks the protective shell that often comes standard in animals of this sort. And regardless of how much the nudibranch talks it up, optional satellite radio is not a satisfactory substitute.

Number of legs

None.

Role models

Just one: Turok the Dinosaur Hunter.

Aliases

Nudey, Dude-ibranch, Rude-ibranch, The Turok Liker.

Hobbies

It’s not exactly a hobby, but the nudibranch spends a LOT of time emulating Turok the Dinosaur Hunter in every aspect of its life it knows how.

Favorite video game

Bubble Bobble.

Super Bowl Storylines To Watch

  1. Which teams are playing?

  2. When is the game and how can I watch it? Or is it on the radio?

  3. Who has the “joe-mentum” going into the game?

  4. Which player likes Skittles the most?

  5. Will this be Peyton Manning’s last Coldplay concert?

  6. Can Carolina’s defense contain their excitement when they hear the pre-game music or will it get them too hyped and they’ll have to lay down and calm down?

  7. Where is everybody running so fast?

  8. Why are the bees disappearing?

  9. Who died and made special teams so special?

  10. What are the names of everyone who has ever died?

What if it fought a bear?

The nudibranch’s combat focus is purely dinosaur-based. The bear would confound it.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

Have fun watching the big game!

 

 

9.5/10

Tagged , , , ,

Tilapia

Tilapia

This past Sunday was Big Game Sunday, when two teams battle it out in the Gridiron Mega-Bonanza for the chance to hoist the sport’s highest honor, the Points-a-lot Metal Ball as fun-time good color paper falls all around them on the grassed court. But the sportsing isn’t the only thing drawing hundreds of viewers every year. Many around the world – the tilapia included – love to watch it… for the commercials!!!!!!!!

You hear the corporations' messages about the products on purpose? So subversive and interesting!!!!

You hear the corporations’ messages about the products on purpose? So subversive and interesting!!!!

In celebration of the tilapia, let’s look back at some of this year’s most notable advertisements.

  • A goofy five-o’-clock-shadowed dude in a plaid button-up tried to store Pace brand salsa inside William “The Refrigerator” Perry, to his gorgeous wife’s consternation.

  • Bud Light, in an effort to test whether he was truly Up For Whatever, tricked a rookie cop into smoking PCP and handling a murder weapon with bare hands.

  • GoDaddy just straight up showed forty technically non-explicit seconds of a porno.

  • Doc Brown, the character from Back to the Future, was shocked to learn that 2015 does not have flying cars or weather control, but does have brutally efficient Dyson vacuum cleaners. (Music: Savin’ the Day by Alessi Brothers)

  • An office’s boss was unexpectedly replaced with Jimmy Buffett, who installed margarita machines and let lizards roam the hallways freely. It was for Geico somehow.

  • A pleasant-looking five-o’-clock-shadowed dude in a skinny tie found himself slowly turning into John Turturro. This was played not for whimsy, but as body horror. The product it was advertising is unclear, as the only clue was the hashtag #DieVermandlung.

  • John Stamos ate all the yogurt!

  • Following footage of Martin Luther King Jr.’s “Mountaintop” speech, the words “Anything is Lunchable” faded in.
  • Sam Elliott called America out as too much of a pansy to buy a commercially-available version of Grave Digger. “I dare you,” the actor intoned. “You won’t do it. You’re not a man; you’re a joke. America is not great. If it were, it would buy the Grave Digger Unlimited. You disgust me.” He gave the finger to a bald eagle, but they blurred it out. (Tagline: “America is a coward.” Music: Original composition by Hans Zimmer)

  • A nerd boy met a nerd girl and they waited three years until their braces were off to split a pack of Starburst candy. (Music: Waiting by Green Day)

  • We were treated to our very first look at the computer-animated designs for The Snorks that will be used in August’s Snorks film. (Music: Guess Who’s Back by Eminem, Tagline: “Those Mothersnorkers Are At It Again”)

  • An approachable five-o’-clock-shadowed dude in a flannel flipped a burger so high his grandma caught it from a third story window. A narrator informed us it would only take 15 seconds to write a family member out of your will with LegalBeagle.

  • Vin Diesel surfed one car onto another car to smash a third car back onto the aircraft carrier deck it was about to fall off of and then the second car exploded and The Rock caught him and cradled him like a huge baby and they locked arms like they were going to arm wrestle but you could tell it wasn’t out of aggression, it was just ’cause they’re family now. Lucas Black entered to say something and was immediately interrupted by the appearance of the title FURIOUS 7.

  • Nissan depicted a dad frequently taken away from his family by his job as a race car driver. (Music: Cat’s in the Cradle by Harry Chapin. Tagline: “Our relationship is irreparably damaged, father.”)

  • The Chocolate Rain guy, but this time he wanted orange rain! (Tagline: “Do you know about Fanta now?”)

  • Burger King showed that, even in light of national tragedy, it will bravely continue to offer sales like 50 chicken nuggets for $9.11. (Music: Slowed down children’s choir cover of Tubthumping)

  • A cartoon bee and a cartoon flower drank Coca-Colas together.

  • Nationwide threatened to kill a human child on live television unless 10,000 people switched to their coverage.

Special powers

The tilapia has bones in its throat that serve as a second jaw that does a little extra chewing and adds a lot of gross terror to an otherwise simple fish.

Its flesh tastes fine.

Weaknesses

The tilapia is the very definition of a basic fish. It… it can’t get enough pumpkin spice lattes or something? I don’t totally know what this means.

Number of legs

No.

What if it fought a bear?

It would lose.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The tilapia is sometimes known as St. Peter’s fish, because Jesus paid his and Peter’s taxes with money they found in the tilapia’s mouth. Tax season is coming up; give it a try! Brought to you by TaxSlayer. (Tagline: “Render unto Caesar whatever you find in a fish’s mouth.”)

 

 

4/10

Tagged , , , , , ,

Raven

Raven

It’s really true what they say: “Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!” Mere days separate us from Super Bowl Sunday, which finds the San Franciscan Forty-and-Niners engaged in a contest of our American football against the Ravens of Baltimore.

It’s going to be a very interesting matchup, what with Sweet Jordie Gloomswell on the inactive list with a gluten allergy, Hellvaliant Hopkins coming back strong for the playoffs with his new cybernetic torso, and Lightning DeJosephh struggling to contain his powerful berserker rage. And of course all of that fails to mention the Harbaugh-on-Harbaugh violence. These brother-coaches, because of their close relation, are unable to detect the smell of each other’s blood, but each has unprecedented psychological insight into the other.[1]

I wanted to cover the mascot of one of these fine teams in this week’s rating. I lucked out because only one of them is an animal; the other refers to middle-aged people. So, choice made. Let’s talk raven.

raven

The only Cosby family member who can fly.

First things first, the raven is not the crow. It can’t be, because the crow is not an animal. It is a Brandon Lee movie.

Special powers

The raven is very smart and paranoid. It has been known to form false food caches purely to fool any observing spies. The raven is one of the corvids, those most intelligent and devious of birds – not that it’s a high bar to clear, but for real, corvids are creepy. A cloud of corvids descended upon the set of Hitchcock’s The Birds and shot nearly all the B-unit footage. It is believed, but unconfirmed that Daphne du Maurier, author of the short story on which the film was based, was herself a magpie.

Weaknesses

Despite having the power of speech, the raven is only able to say one word: “Paramore.”

Paramore by darkredbbb

They’re flattered but confused.

Nobody’s quite sure why this is so. Does the raven have an impediment? Or is it just a dick? THESE ARE THE GREAT MYSTERIES SCIENCE SEEKS TO SOLVE.

Number of legs

Two.

Professions

The raven pays the bills as an emissary of Odin the All-Father here in Midgard. Do you think Odin just really likes Hayley Williams? It makes as much sense as anything.

Odin of Asgard

“сαṉ ώε ρɾετεṉḋ τhατ αïɾρlαṉεṡ ïṉ τhε ṉïģhτ ṡќÿ αɾε ṡhøøτïṉģ ṡταɾṡ?”

The raven also dabbles in guarding the Tower of London. It’s said that if the raven ever dies, the crown will fall and England after it. However, this is just a silly superstition. Nothing matters less than the crown. If it did fall, literally nothing of importance would fall after. Except maybe the corgis. The corgis are important.

Diet

Primarily carrion and gorditas.

What if it fought a bear?

The raven represents the ruler of Asgard. The bear knows better than to screw with it.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

It’s really true what they say: “Hrafnar skulu þér á hám galga slíta sjónir ór.”[2]

Happy Super Bowl, everybody.

 

9/10

 

 

 

[1]Rex and Rob Ryan do not count because they are not two brothers, but in fact just one guy and one wig.

[2]“The ravens shall tear out your eyes in the high gallows.”

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,