Tag Archives: sports

Flying squirrel

Flying squirrel

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it the flying squirrel? Yes, it is.

See?

See?

Special powers

The obvious thing is that it, unlike other squirrels, can glide through the air with the greatest of ease.

Weaknesses

I feel obligated to mention that, despite the name, the flying squirrel does not have true flight. It’s more subject to the winds and less able to make sharp turns or gain altitude in midair. This makes it an appealing target for surface-to-air missiles – at least, cute little squirrel-proportioned surface-to-air missiles. Awwww!

Number of legs

Four.

Varieties

There are many kinds of flying squirrel. These include:

  • The Japanese dwarf flying squirrel, whose huge pure black eyes have it straddling the line between adorable and monstrous

    The Japanese dwarf flying squirrel, whose huge pure black eyes have it straddling the line between adorable and monstrous

  • The woolly flying squirrel, which falls in love quickly and often

  • The red giant flying squirrel, the “red giant” of flying squirrels

  • The arrow flying squirrel, which can’t show up to any function without telling you in detail the exact route it took to get there

  • Rocky J. Squirrel, who wears a little hat

  • The Bhutan giant flying squirrel, who just kept growing and growing its tail as a joke and didn't realize until too late that it had gone too far

    The Bhutan giant flying squirrel, who just kept growing and growing its tail as a joke and didn’t realize until too late that it had gone too far

  • The lesser pygmy flying squirrel, the worst pygmy flying squirrel

  • The Kashmir flying squirrel, which is RIGHT BEHIND YOU! I’m just joshing. April fool’s.

  • The hairy-footed flying squirrel, which can be easily spotted by its hairy feet

Potent quotables

“I believe that, like me, the people behind these robberies are extreme athletes.” – the flying squirrel

What if it fought a bear?

Flight will not save this squirrel. Gliding certainly won’t.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The fact that the flying squirrel even exists is wonderfully weird. It might seem on paper like an overly specific gimmick, and yet it has stood the test of time, unlike the snowboarding squirrel or water-skiing groundhog.[1]

 

 

9/10

 

 

 

[1]R.I.P.

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Nudibranch

Nudibranch

The nudibranch is happy you’re here.

“Welcome to my rating.”

“Welcome to my rating.”

Special powers

The nudibranch is very colorful.

nudibranch1

I don’t know if that really counts as a “special power.”

nudibranch3

But I like it.

nudibranch4

Weaknesses

The nudibranch’s simple eyes are useful for little more than distinguishing dark and light.

Furthermore, it lacks the protective shell that often comes standard in animals of this sort. And regardless of how much the nudibranch talks it up, optional satellite radio is not a satisfactory substitute.

Number of legs

None.

Role models

Just one: Turok the Dinosaur Hunter.

Aliases

Nudey, Dude-ibranch, Rude-ibranch, The Turok Liker.

Hobbies

It’s not exactly a hobby, but the nudibranch spends a LOT of time emulating Turok the Dinosaur Hunter in every aspect of its life it knows how.

Favorite video game

Bubble Bobble.

Super Bowl Storylines To Watch

  1. Which teams are playing?

  2. When is the game and how can I watch it? Or is it on the radio?

  3. Who has the “joe-mentum” going into the game?

  4. Which player likes Skittles the most?

  5. Will this be Peyton Manning’s last Coldplay concert?

  6. Can Carolina’s defense contain their excitement when they hear the pre-game music or will it get them too hyped and they’ll have to lay down and calm down?

  7. Where is everybody running so fast?

  8. Why are the bees disappearing?

  9. Who died and made special teams so special?

  10. What are the names of everyone who has ever died?

What if it fought a bear?

The nudibranch’s combat focus is purely dinosaur-based. The bear would confound it.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

Have fun watching the big game!

 

 

9.5/10

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Tetra

Tetra

As of this online web blog post, we are only a little more than a week away from Opening Day of the major league baseball season, the day when the commissioner opens up a baseball to find out what’s in there.[1] No one is more excited for baseball to begin than the tetra.

Look how big its smile is.

Look how big its smile is.

The tetra, you see, is a diehard baseball fan. It watches its favorite team play about 500 games a year, which is well over two thirds of a season! It can name the family lineage of Mr. Met going back six generations. It has a sizable collection of baseball cards, including…

    • Honus Wagner
    • Studs Bancker
    • Topsy Hartsel
    • Buddy Sachs
    • Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown
    • Boog Powell
    • Drum Duggan
    • Barclay Charles
    • Matt Stanchion
    • Knute Rockford
    • Bernie Titcomb
    • Slim Hardaway (a private investigator)
    • Harvey Kootz
    • Doc Abbey
    • Red Blackwell
    • Hamilton Leithauser
    • Chip Dipson
    • Dip Dobson
    • Bing Gardner
    • Cole Harbor Jr.
    • Fritz Ganon
    • Troy Brownfield
    • Phil Jimenez
    • Big Jim McLain
    • Slaw Johansson
    • Tom Ziljac
    • Chud Przlkzxby
    • Riggs Briggs
    • Leon J. Panetta
    • Flim Flammerman (a flim-flam man)
    • Slick Willie Gossett
    • Unus the Untouchabl
    • Gil Gilchrist
    • Billy Pope
    • Torg Arbuckle
    • Pudge Barrett
    • Sheen Splitcher
    • Jocko Blurst
    • Oyster Burns
    • Trent Hernandez
    • Keith Sweat
    • A six-foot party sub wearing a baseball cap
    • Buttercup Dickerson
    • Flip Chuntwad
    • Yutz Ploopie
    • Grim Fandango
    • Ngao Mbitu Lee
    • Jonah Beauregard
    • Jimmy Wolf
    • Ham Hamm
    • Bud Sexmagick
    • Walton Goggins
    • Cappy Fulmer
    • Stoddard
    • Leonard Snart
    • Bumpus Gunkle
    • Cradley Booper
    • Dread Forrestor The Tree Lord
    • Glenn John
    • Yahoo Sirius XM
    • Ned Geggus
    • Moses Farrell
    • Horace Hornswaggler
    • Dewey Defeatstruman
    • Jack Krampus
    • Muddy Samson
    • Dick Peppers
    • Ponyboy Dunn
    • Alabama (the band)
    • Otto Van Buxley
    • Spitwad Mullitzer
    • Oaky Pinewood
    • Ollie-Ollie-Oxenfree Smith
    • Fatty Mack
    • Charlie Schlong
    • The Baseball Furies
    • Scoops Turkel
    • Percy Childs
    • Denethor Driscoll
    • Beagle Bagley
    • Vic Wittels
    • Finn Berkelbach
    • Spuds MacKenzie
    • Dick Hunt
    • The Duke Ellington of Kicking Sand
    • Fivel Ladew
    • Pop Carroll
    • Pappy Figgemeier
    • Dad Yuengling
    • Pitch-A-Tron
    • Tug Mazzetti
    • Deacon Flick
    • Erve Scheffler
    • Air Bud

…As well as many other cards, too many[2] to list.

Special powers

The tetra is exceedingly patient.

Weaknesses

The tetra thinks its reflection is another fish. Way to go, idiot.

Number of legs

No.

Favorite video game

NHL: Eastside Hockey Manager 2007. I know; it’s inexplicable.

What if it fought a bear?

The tetra doesn’t stand a chance. The bear can just stop buying fish food.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

I should probably mention the tetra is a big-time embezzler. You can get way cooler fish for your aquarium who won’t abuse your trust for financial gain.

 

 

2/10

 

 

 

 

[1]Usually it’s more baseball, but if the commissioner sees his shadow, there may be six more weeks of spring training.

[2]Seven.

Programming note: Rate Every Animal will be on hiatus for a week or two. Hope to see you soon.

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Boll weevil

Boll weevil

The leaf-rolling weevil isn’t the only creative mind in the weevil family. While it writes for television and rolls leaves, the boll weevil specializes in ghostwriting lyrics for popular musicians and eating cotton.

Special powers

It’s real good at eating cotton.

boll weevil

Too good, some say.

There’s also the songwriting thing. It has contributed lines to many famous artists.

Drake:

“I watch Thundercats and think of you.
Think of you
Think of you
‘Cause you look like Cheetarah an’ you cheat wit’ Ira.
I see you driving in that Buick Lucerne.
You’re too good for a car with only a three-power-circle J.D. Power rating, girl.
I hope you know it.”

Modest Mouse:

Well we JUMped uUP O-ver the moOOn. And cauught our owwn tAIl.
And kept it in a CAUFfin. Of our OWN de-SIGN.
BUT ALL THESE JUNKYARD DOGS ARE SINKIN
A GREAT BIG CRAB STOLE ALL OUR JOB
WELLLLLL WE NEVER MET THE PEEEOPLE THAT WE WERE
IF YOU’RE CALLIN’ THAT A TROPHY THEN I’LL EAT A SACK OF SHIT
AHAHAHA.
AHAHAHA?”

The Hold Steady:

“She used to party on drugs that she bought from Jimmy and Shakey.
She got drunk and passed out; now everything’s aching.
Some townies came by in an ATV and offered ’em rides.
Jim said you can almost see heaven if you turn on the brights.”

Lil Wayne:

“Real Gs move in silence like lasagna.”

(The Gs refer to “Garfields.” This was a subtle jab at Tiny Wayne, a rapper looking to usurp Lil’, whose favorite comic character is Nermal.[1] Tiny Wayne quickly passed out of public consciousness as people could only barely hear his wee little voice.)

Jimmy Buffett:

(The boll weevil collaborated with Jimmy Buffett on the songs “Two Sandals and a Guitar,” “Pineapples on Mosquito Gulf,” “Beach Bumming,” “Heart of a Pirate, Soul of a Poet,” “Sunshine Soup,” “The Captain’s Daiquiri,” “Papaya in San Juan,” “I Wanna Dance With The Equator,” “Put A Lime In It,” and “Boat Drinks.”)

Weaknesses

Pesticide and patricide.

Number of legs

Six.

Circumstances of birth

The boll weevil is born inside a cottonball and eats its way out, just like that dream I had.

Does it have a monument named after it?

There's the plaque

Yes.

Related sports teams

The University of Arkansas at Monticello plays sports under the name of the boll weevil, and aren’t you jealous?

What if it fought a bear?

Little known fact, the bear is made of a kind of strong cotton and the boll weevil will tear that thing up.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

The boll weevil has accomplished a lot for a little bug. It’s actually kind of too bad its son will kill it.

 

 

6.5/10

 

 

 

[1]“Noooo,” Tiny Wayne is often heard to say as he opens the newspaper, “not Abu Dhabi again. You deserve a thousand Mondays, you cruel beast.”

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Tilapia

Tilapia

This past Sunday was Big Game Sunday, when two teams battle it out in the Gridiron Mega-Bonanza for the chance to hoist the sport’s highest honor, the Points-a-lot Metal Ball as fun-time good color paper falls all around them on the grassed court. But the sportsing isn’t the only thing drawing hundreds of viewers every year. Many around the world – the tilapia included – love to watch it… for the commercials!!!!!!!!

You hear the corporations' messages about the products on purpose? So subversive and interesting!!!!

You hear the corporations’ messages about the products on purpose? So subversive and interesting!!!!

In celebration of the tilapia, let’s look back at some of this year’s most notable advertisements.

  • A goofy five-o’-clock-shadowed dude in a plaid button-up tried to store Pace brand salsa inside William “The Refrigerator” Perry, to his gorgeous wife’s consternation.

  • Bud Light, in an effort to test whether he was truly Up For Whatever, tricked a rookie cop into smoking PCP and handling a murder weapon with bare hands.

  • GoDaddy just straight up showed forty technically non-explicit seconds of a porno.

  • Doc Brown, the character from Back to the Future, was shocked to learn that 2015 does not have flying cars or weather control, but does have brutally efficient Dyson vacuum cleaners. (Music: Savin’ the Day by Alessi Brothers)

  • An office’s boss was unexpectedly replaced with Jimmy Buffett, who installed margarita machines and let lizards roam the hallways freely. It was for Geico somehow.

  • A pleasant-looking five-o’-clock-shadowed dude in a skinny tie found himself slowly turning into John Turturro. This was played not for whimsy, but as body horror. The product it was advertising is unclear, as the only clue was the hashtag #DieVermandlung.

  • John Stamos ate all the yogurt!

  • Following footage of Martin Luther King Jr.’s “Mountaintop” speech, the words “Anything is Lunchable” faded in.
  • Sam Elliott called America out as too much of a pansy to buy a commercially-available version of Grave Digger. “I dare you,” the actor intoned. “You won’t do it. You’re not a man; you’re a joke. America is not great. If it were, it would buy the Grave Digger Unlimited. You disgust me.” He gave the finger to a bald eagle, but they blurred it out. (Tagline: “America is a coward.” Music: Original composition by Hans Zimmer)

  • A nerd boy met a nerd girl and they waited three years until their braces were off to split a pack of Starburst candy. (Music: Waiting by Green Day)

  • We were treated to our very first look at the computer-animated designs for The Snorks that will be used in August’s Snorks film. (Music: Guess Who’s Back by Eminem, Tagline: “Those Mothersnorkers Are At It Again”)

  • An approachable five-o’-clock-shadowed dude in a flannel flipped a burger so high his grandma caught it from a third story window. A narrator informed us it would only take 15 seconds to write a family member out of your will with LegalBeagle.

  • Vin Diesel surfed one car onto another car to smash a third car back onto the aircraft carrier deck it was about to fall off of and then the second car exploded and The Rock caught him and cradled him like a huge baby and they locked arms like they were going to arm wrestle but you could tell it wasn’t out of aggression, it was just ’cause they’re family now. Lucas Black entered to say something and was immediately interrupted by the appearance of the title FURIOUS 7.

  • Nissan depicted a dad frequently taken away from his family by his job as a race car driver. (Music: Cat’s in the Cradle by Harry Chapin. Tagline: “Our relationship is irreparably damaged, father.”)

  • The Chocolate Rain guy, but this time he wanted orange rain! (Tagline: “Do you know about Fanta now?”)

  • Burger King showed that, even in light of national tragedy, it will bravely continue to offer sales like 50 chicken nuggets for $9.11. (Music: Slowed down children’s choir cover of Tubthumping)

  • A cartoon bee and a cartoon flower drank Coca-Colas together.

  • Nationwide threatened to kill a human child on live television unless 10,000 people switched to their coverage.

Special powers

The tilapia has bones in its throat that serve as a second jaw that does a little extra chewing and adds a lot of gross terror to an otherwise simple fish.

Its flesh tastes fine.

Weaknesses

The tilapia is the very definition of a basic fish. It… it can’t get enough pumpkin spice lattes or something? I don’t totally know what this means.

Number of legs

No.

What if it fought a bear?

It would lose.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The tilapia is sometimes known as St. Peter’s fish, because Jesus paid his and Peter’s taxes with money they found in the tilapia’s mouth. Tax season is coming up; give it a try! Brought to you by TaxSlayer. (Tagline: “Render unto Caesar whatever you find in a fish’s mouth.”)

 

 

4/10

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Seagull

Seagull

The biggest name in coastal birds is the seagull. Much like the biggest name in hamburgers is McDonald’s. The seagull is the McDonald’s of beach creatures. That’s not a compliment.

Special powers

Flight, of course. Though it’s also true that it is a great runner.

It worships the Ancient Ones, and may be spared or kept alive longer than the rest of us.

om nom nom

However…

Weaknesses

However, it is a very sloppy eater. It is such a sloppy eater that it extends all the way through the digestion process, right down to its reckless pooping.[1] Like many birds, it’s an idiot. It is also classless. It showed up to the raven‘s wedding in cargo shorts so it could hold more beers.

Number of legs

Two.

Wikipedia’s talk page asks

“Wouldn’t a nice photo of two gulls fighting over the entrails of a herring be a better shot to have uppermost in the giull wikipedia page?”

Other ratings of the seagull

“The herring gull is one of the most successful of birds.” – The Kingfisher Illustrated Encyclopedia of Animals

“An unfortunate misstep that will undoubtedly damage the bird brand.” – Alan Sepinwall

“Promising in concept, flawed in execution. Shipping was fast.” – Amazon user Caitlyn P.

“Terrible. 9.6/10” – IGN

Related sports teams

There are not many teams named for the seagull, but those that are know the pride and fulfillment of achieving victory as a Seagull. Two Australian rugby teams have worn the uniform of the Seagull, but one abandoned it to become the Chargers. You know, like the thing that plugs your phone into the wall. They have brought shame and dishonor upon themselves by choosing this coward’s way out. Once a Seagull, always a Seagull.

Go Sammy Go!

You let down Sammy the Sea Gull of Salisbury University, Gold Coast.

What if it fought a bear?

It would lose.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

You know the saying, “You are what you eat.” The seagull eats garbage.

 

2.5/10



[1]Just like McDonald’s.

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Nyala

Nyala

The NFL draft is this week. It’s a fabulous event, often considered “the Super Bowl of the NFL.” Teams will have a lot of tough decisions to make over the course of the three days of the NFL draft, as recently dramatized in the Kevin Costner film “Three Days To Kill.”

DRAFT DAY

What does all this have to do with the nyala?

Special powers

Well, the nyala is a draft expert.

Unlike most other draft experts, the male nyala has large twisted horns.

It has glands on its feet, leaving its scent where it walks. Most draft experts have these.

Weaknesses

Because of those glands, the nyala is a remarkably easy fugitive to track and a remarkably poor hide-and-seek competitor.

The nyala just generally has entirely too much going on, aesthetically.

This friggin' guy. Source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/arnolouise/3104729822/in/photostream/

This friggin’ guy.
Source

We’ve got spiral horns, big ears, shaggy hair on the neck, belly, and upper back legs but nowhere else, yellow-orange below the knee, white stripes AND facial markings… The nyala is distinctly over-accessorized.

Number of legs

Four.

Sample wisdom of the nyala

Another year, another exciting draft! Get your giant whiteboard, popcorn, and adult diaper ready now, ’cause you won’t want to miss a moment! But for those of you who haven’t followed my previous posts and scent messages, here’s a quick and dirty overview of what to watch for. Our sources indicate that as many as nineteen players could be selected to advance to the pros this year, so there’s a lot to keep track of. Let’s get started.

Top AAA+ Choices Good Job
Jadeveon Clowney (DE, South Carolina): If he’s anything like his future self who came back to the present to warn us of the error of our ways, Clowney will grow into a superb defensive player wholly unaffected by the nanoplague. Good hump moves on the deep web.
Darqueze Dennard (CB, Michigan State): Found extra gears on my cousin’s ATV. Gets in opposing player’s heads on the click-and-drag. Does up-close magic every brunch.
Khalil Mack (OLB, Buffalo): “Return of the Mack” was written about him. An easy merchandising opportunity since he has his own interactive webseries.
Sammy Watkins (WR, Clemson): My man on the inside discovered a tattoo reading REMEMBER SAMMY WATKINS on his body that he has no memory receiving.
Teddy Bridgewater (QB, Louisville): In practice, twirls his mustache and laughs like “Gr-r-ra-ha-ha-ha!”

Dark Horse Picks
Jackson Jeffcoat (DE, Texas): Appeared to sometimes underperform due to the heavy chains he wears around his body, but would instantly improve if persuaded to get rid of them.
Quincy Enunwa (WR, Nebraska): Undersized, but makes up for it in character. Could be for football what Mother Theresa was to racquetball.
Willie Snead (WR, Ball State): Runs routes like Sunday’s a Friday and the post office had a birthday party. Could be picked up for a song in a late round – specifically “Brandy (You’re A Fine Girl)” by Looking Glass.
Aaron Donald (DT, Pittsburgh): A lot of bang for your buck with two first names for the price of one. Rumor is he loves Judy as more than a friend.
Boseko Lokombo (OLB, Oregon): Scouts say he could outrun a husky and outsmart a husky who’s had some college. A real gumbo-chewer on the field.
Ha’Sean “Ha Ha” Clinton-Dix (FS, Alabama): Tall-hipped. A worthy pick for ironic jersey sales alone.

Bust to the Future (in the Future, they will have been busts)
Kerry Wynn (DT, Richmond): Ironically, picking “Wynn” will make you “lyosse.”
C.J. Mosley (ILB, Alabama): My sources tell me Mosley is afraid of the dark, making him a liability getting to the stadium for night games.
Demetri Goodson (CB, Baylor): There are questions about his football knowledge, such as “Has he heard of it?”
Bradley Roby (CB, Ohio State): Could stand to iron out his pedal and jimmy up his grind belts. Refers to the ball as “my friend, the constable” and only drinks iced milk on the sideline.
Blake Bortles (QB, Central Florida): Slam jumpers need work and petunias are left unguarded. Sometimes weak in the phalanges.

What if it fought a bear?

The nyala has reports on all the bear’s weaknesses from the combine.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The nyala’s sports reporting is, frankly, incomprehensible speculation.

.

.
4/10

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Flea

Flea

Not all blood-sucking parasites who feature in circuses are clowns. Some are the flea.

flea in profile by Robert Hooke

“Am I a clown to you?”

The flea circus is the premier live show for insects, by insects. Cirque du Soleil transitioned to human entertainment when it couldn’t hack it in the flea circus’s shadow. Acts include Teddy the Ant with a Mane, The Amazing Web Line Dancers, Cuonzo the Tattooed Moth[1], Bug Gallagher, The Living Ball, The Stilt Bug, Aldus the Larger-Than-Normal Mite, and The Literally Flying Pelluccis. The goliath beetle got its start in the flea circus lifting extremely heavy things like cup lids and coins.

Special powers

The flea’s incredible feat is leaping high into the air. Well, high in relation to how small it is. It can not jump higher than me, for example, due to my extreme height advantage. What I’m trying to explain is that the time it beat me in basketball was a fluke.

The flea is also a member of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. It loves California and funking out, not necessarily in that order.

Weaknesses

The flea sucks blood from other creatures in order to survive. It is a member of the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

what the peppermen say

Did you know the famous RHCP logo is an anus? Maybe put a sock on THAT next time, fellas.

Number of legs

Six.

Drink of choice

It craves BLOOOOOOD!

What if it fought a bear?

It has been fighting the bear for years, and the bear has not noticed.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The flea is a consummate entertainer and skilled bassist. It is also a profoundly obnoxious parasite and it made my hair itch just researching it. Even that means it has personally offended me more than most animals I review. This has nothing to do with it beating me at basketball that time.

 

3/10

 

 

 

[1]Sorry to blow up your spot, Cuonzo, but you’re obviously just a butterfly.

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Gorlok

Gorlok

Around this time two years ago I was in the throes of basketball fever. Fortunately, I survived to rate another day (and several more after that).

Now it’s that time again – March, when a young athlete’s fancy turns to basketballsmanship. Many of the basketball teams engaging in basketball contests this month will be invoking animals as their patron saints. They will seek aid from the husky, the bull, the hawk, the piece of wheat, the Native American human being and many more.[1]

One animal that serves such a role to inspire a team and imbue them with its power? The gorlok.

gorlok

You heard me.

Special powers

The gorlok is a strange creature. It boasts the paws of a speeding cheetah, the horns of a fierce buffalo, and the face of the Saint Bernard.[2]

Weaknesses

I don’t think we can really count that last one as a plus. Or else I greatly misunderstood a compliment I was being paid.

Number of legs

Two, plus two arms.

Time and place of birth

The Gorlok was born in 1984 in St. Louis, Missouri. It appreciates the Spice Girls on a much deeper level than you.[3] It thinks it’s involved in regional food disputes that do not concern it.

What if it fought a bear?

That would be a cross-conference match-up and it’s not a rivalry, so we don’t have much of a record to look at to make a prediction. Too close to call.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The gorlok is a mash-up of some dope animals. Something is lost, though, when you take all these bits of good animals out of context, mix them up together, and slap an Archie Andrews style one-giant-letter sweater on it.

 

 

6.5/10

 

 

 

[1]Well, one or two of those aren’t like the others.

[2]What has science wrought?

[3]Or so it claims, but it also claimed that Jennifer Lawrence was, in its words, “literally me.”

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Polar bear

Polar bear

There is a proud[citation needed] history of Olympic mascots, and the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia, have continued it. While previous years have featured such animals as the sasquatch, the unblinking camera controlled by the state, and the Izzy, this year the Olympic spirit is represented by a trio of animals – the snow hare, the snow leopard, and the polar bear (considered by many to be the snowiest of the bears).

Sochi Olympics polar bear

I can just hear the John Williams music.

Special powers

The polar bear has a layer of blubber, thick coat, and dense underfur to protect it from the cold of its Arctic home. It has an extensive puffy vest collection as well, but that’s strictly for fashion.

It is one of the largest land carnivores in the world. Larger even than that huge guy you swear you saw the last two times you were at the local all-you-can-eat buffet and it’s like what’s up does he just live there or what? Unlike that guy, the polar bear is an expert swimmer.

Weaknesses

The polar bear is hooked on coke.

goes nuts for the stuff

It loves it.

Its other great weakness is the secret it holds – that it is just a brown bear that got painted white. But don’t tell anybody that, and certainly don’t tell them you heard it from me.

Number of legs

Four.

Insightful Wikipedia quote

Was it in Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back?

Yes. If you had read the Wikipedia quote, you would know that.

Favorite video game

Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back.

What if it fought a bear?

It is a bear.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

I feel bad I told you the polar bear’s secret. Please don’t blackmail it. It doesn’t deserve that. It has enough problems already, because of The Environment. Oh, and I didn’t mention this before, but it rocks a pretty sweet look.

polar bears looking good

Looking good.

 

 

10/10

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