Tag Archives: space-worthy

Earthworm

[Programming note: I should acknowledge that this blog sure doesn’t seem to be weekly any more. You can subscribe to get word when a new animal goes up either through the RSS feed or the email form near the bottom of every page, and of course I’ll always share the links on Twitter and Facebook.]

Earthworm

Maybe this is just homerism, but I truly believe that Earth has the greatest worms in the galaxy. Our flagship worm, of course, is the earthworm.

earthworm

Represent!

Of course even I must admit they and all our other worms could possibly be bested by the sand worms of Arrakis, if they really are as described, but I think all that’s just some of Frank Herbert’s signature hyperbole.

Special powers

There are two categories of time travel: Hot Tub and Not Tub. The earthworm’s falls into the latter, as it uses “wormholes” for interdimensional travel. All the major time periods, like the Jurassic Period, the Gilded Age, the Attitude Era… they’re all at the earthworm’s metaphorical fingertips.

Should it get injured in its adventures through time and space, the earthworm has a tremendous healing factor. It can regenerate from just a li’l nubbin’.[1]

Also, it possesses both male and female sex organs, allowing the earthworm to line up with its partner and perform what’s known as “Sixty-Nine 2, the sequel to the hit.”

Weaknesses

The earthworm has no skeleton anywhere – not on the inside, not on the outside, not even one stored away in a closet for a rainy day.

It also has no eyes. It thinks of this approach to having a body as “no frills” but in my opinion there are some corners you just don’t cut.

Number of legs

None.

Missed opportunities

It’s kind of messed up that the earthworm can visit all of time and space and all it does with this power is dig around in the dirt, but it makes the soil better for plants, so I shouldn’t complain. Thanks, I guess.

What if it fought a bear?

All the earthworm has to do is open a wormhole in the bear’s middle, destroying it both forwards and backwards along its timeline. That’s why you never see the bear fighting the earthworm. I’m sure you’ve wondered.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

Thank you for all you do, earthworm. But do something nice for yourself and get some eyes.

 

 

8.5/10

 

 

[1]Scientific term.

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Iberian ribbed newt

Iberian ribbed newt

What’s your favorite ribbed newt? I bet a lot of you answered with the Iberian ribbed newt, one of the most popular ribbed newts ever. Sorry, contrarian/ironic Martian ribbed newt lovers! That animal sucks and is also not a real animal and instead just a thing I dreamed once!

I checked my totem.

Not a dream.

Special powers

When the Iberian ribbed newt is threatened or feels that it’s about to lose a board game, it coats itself in poison. That’s fine, of course, but it’s also something anyone with a bucket of poison can do.

What’s truly unique about the Iberian ribbed newt is that it literally juts its sharp ribs through its fleshy sides as makeshift stingers. When has one of those guys with a bucket of poison ever been willing and able to turn his own bones into stabbing weapons? They don’t have it in them. Prove me wrong, poison-bucket-carrying cowards! I defy you!

Weaknesses

The Iberian ribbed newt is poking holes in its own dang skin all the dang time, in part because it is so, so bad at board games.

Number of legs

Four.

Has it been to space?

Yes. The Soviets sought only the most courageous of animals to send into space, and a creature willing to stab itself from the inside out in order to fight is not a creature who knows much of fear.

The Iberian ribbed newt in pop culture

Because of its ability to poke its sharp bones out through its skin and regenerate from serious wounds, it served as the inspiration for the X-men’s Logan, also known as the uncanny Iberian Ribbed Newt!

What if it fought a bear?

The bear knows nothing of the self-sacrifice the Iberian ribbed newt is willing to go through, and that is why it cannot win.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The Iberian ribbed newt is hardcore. Not at, like, Candyland and stuff. But in general.
 
 
 
8/10

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