Tag Archives: social media

Goblin shark

Goblin shark

When a shark and a goblin love each other very much, they contract a mad scientist to create an unholy hybrid known as the goblin shark.

add me to your five! :^{}

This is its MySpace picture.

Special powers

The goblin shark’s mouth is a horrifying nightmare weapon, filled with crazy teeth and able to leap forward and snatch prey.

noooooo

No no no no no no no

It is a real good swimmer.

Weaknesses

The goblin shark is weak against exosuit cargo-loaders. It used to have vulnerabilities to torches and pitchforks, but it has since removed those flaws.

Number of legs

None.

Favorite video game

It has eaten four separate copies of Ecco the Dolphin.

Celebrity birthdays

As the goblin shark was not literally born, the goblin shark does not have a birthday per se. But on the day its body was given animation, these celebrities were born by natural means:

  • Bruce Willis, an American actor who portrayed Unbreakable in the film Unbreakable

  • The Panda’s Accomplice, an athlete in the Chinese Basketball Association

  • Jimmie “The Beast” Foxx, the baseball player who first realized he could double his chances of hitting pitches by using two bats

What if it fought a bear?

The bear eschews most advanced technology, including exosuit cargo-loaders. The goblin shark would defeat it.

Is it noble?

Half.

Final rating

The goblin shark’s goblin half may – may – be balanced by its shark side. But as a creation of mad science, it has no soul. Its MySpace bio makes that much clear.

 

 

2.5/10

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Tortoise beetle

Tortoise beetle

The tortoise beetle knows your secrets.

When intelligence operatives talk about sweeping a room for bugs, it’s bugs like the tortoise beetle that they’re talking about. Many bugs are nosy, but the tortoise beetle takes snooping to another level.

Special powers

The tortoise beetle is so good at spying, it even has information on the CIA, and we here at Rate Every Animal have the exclusive scoop on what it has found.[1] Specifically, it has discovered an internal document that details CIA plans for its future tweets, such as:

  • “Don’t tell anyone but sometimes we hide our most sensitive secrets in Pharrell’s big hat.”

  • “Trust us, we listened in to all of that foreign national Borat’s calls. We learned a lot about… HIS WIIIIFE!”

  • “Our unofficial motto is: And you shall know the truth and the truth shall get in one little fight and my mom got scared. She said you’re movin’ with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air.” (note: more than 140 characters. Can we apply for an exemption? Look into it.)

  • Could we get “drone’d” trending as a synonym/replacement for “pwned?”

  • “bae: come over

    me: I can’t

    bae: Osama bin Laden is here.

    me: *leaves roadrunner style dust cloud*”

  • “Kill list? Nah, all we’ve got is a trill list! ;)”

  • Intelligence suggests Grumpy Cat could be paid to pose for photographs. Maybe do something with that?

  • “I can haz South American #coup?”

  • “Waaaaaassssuuuuup! Remember? Like in the commercial? I can only feel anything any more by torturing a human being.”

Rarely, a golden tortoise beetle will be born. The golden tortoise beetle is said to grant wishes to those precious few lucky enough to discover it. This has never been confirmed by science, but a living bug made of metal would certainly seem to be magic of some kind.

Weaknesses

The tortoise beetle is still using MS-DOS at home. It pretends it’s making a statement and that it’s better somehow, but everyone knows it’s just scared to try to learn a new system.

Number of legs

Six.

Did I find something mentally scarring in a University of Florida article about the tortoise beetle?

Yes, and here it is.

tortoise beetle larva's anal fork

Guess what it’s for. Nope, just as gross though.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear can smush the tortoise beetle in normal circumstances. One made of gold, however. That might be enough to chip a tooth.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The tortoise beetle is quite attractive for an insect. It also violates everyone’s privacy on the reg. Fortunately, it doesn’t usually release those secrets, but then again it told me all about the CIA’s twitter. It’s probably best to stay on its good side.

 

10/10

 

 

 

[1]Eat your heart out, Julian Assange.

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