Tag Archives: so weird

Treehopper

Treehopper

Have you ever known a hat guy? The treehopper is the hat guy of the animal kingdom. Its usual “go-to” headgear is an unobtrusive green number. If you didn’t notice it was attached to its head you might think the treehopper was just a humpy little bug instead of a tremendously odd little bug.

Relatively reasonable.

Relatively reasonable.

Not all its hats are so subtle.

RImage  FRENCH GUYANA - SEPTEMBER 2005: Bocydium globulare, fullface. The sensory hairs or sensillae around the little balls may act as a warning for the insect by capturing air vibrations when any predators approach. (Photo by Patrick Landmann/Exclusive by Getty Images)

This is just too much.

Special powers

Some of these crazy hats have certain advantages. The hairy globes above serve as a disincentive for anyone considering eating the treehopper. Its antler hat gained it access to the hottest deer club in town.

“I don't see your name on the li-... Oh I'm sorry, sir. Welcome to Salt Lick.”

“I don’t see your name on the li-… Oh I’m sorry, sir. Welcome to Salt Lick.”

Weaknesses

It calls socks “foot hats.”

The treehopper’s more elaborate hats have drawbacks in terms of mobility.

The wings just seem overly optimistic here.

The wings just seem overly optimistic here.

Number of legs

Six.

Is it secretly balding?

I don’t know for sure, but it has to be, right?

Choice Wikipedia Quote

“Distinguishing males from females is accomplished only by looking at the genitalia.”

What if it fought a bear?

It would lose.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

It’s not intrinsically wrong to be a hat guy. But there’s limits, and the treehopper does not recognize them. It will go full Duchess-of-Chiquita-at-the-Kentucky-Derby, regardless of whether the venue is appropriate for it.

Dial it back, treehopper.

Like, a lot.

Like, way back.

 

2/10

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Barreleye

Barreleye

With most other animals, barrel-shaped eyes with an upward-facing default setting would be the weirdest thing about them. Not so for the barreleye. The barreleye does have those eyes, but it keeps them in a straight up see-through head.

It's not any happier about this than we are.

It’s not any happier about this than we are.

Special powers

The barreleye can see above itself very well. It loves the first row of the movie theatre.

Weaknesses

It’s always borrowing things from the siphonophores and not returning them. It has an excuse every time, but at a certain point, the problem is the barreleye’s.

It’s got no teeth.

Number of legs

None. Unless they’re just invisible. This requires further investigation. Uhhh incomplete.

Aliases

Spook fish, glass-head, ghostface swimmah, hombre.

What if it fought a bear?

There’s a pretty major weakness specifically highlighted on the barreleye.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

You’re an unreliable thief, barreleye. I see right through you. Sorry for the choice of words, but you know what I mean, weirdo.

 

 

3/10

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Echidna

Echidna

Welcome back to Rate Every Animal! The hiatus was a little longer than planned, so today we bring you a real top-notch, primo selection: the echidna.

grade-A

Nice.

Special powers

The echidna is covered with spines. Even its four-headed penis[1] has its own kind of spines. It can become the world’s most dangerous volleyball.

no bump, no set, lots of spike

Do not serve this, Ice Man. You either, Maverick. I know you want to.

It has a bit of electroreception, a sense for electricity, and diggin’ claws.

Weaknesses

The echidna is a mammal, but it lays eggs. That’s what we call a serious identity crisis.

Also, it’s got no teeth.

Number of legs

Four.

The Kingfisher Illustrated Encyclopedia of Animals Says

I have never been more disappointed in the Kingfisher Illustrated Encyclopedia of Animals than when I saw it had no echidna entry.[2]

Wikipedia quote implying an unsettling disappointment

“Therefore, no one has ever seen an echidna ejaculate.”

What if it fought a bear?

The echidna goes so hard it left all its teeth on the hockey rinks of its youth. The bear lacks such dedication.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The echidna may just be making it up as it goes along, but it’s turned out wonderfully weird. I salute you, echidna. Please don’t show me your crazy penis.

 

 

9/10

 

 

 

[1]Oh, yeah, it has one of those too.

[2]Related: I have only rarely been more disappointed in my word processor than when I saw its spell check did not recognize “echidna.”

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Goose barnacle

Goose barnacle

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. There are two sides to every coin.[1] For every Gallant, a Goofus. For every butterfly, a moth. Most anyone will agree that the barnacle goose and the goose barnacle have just such a yin-yang relationship. Where no consensus can be reached is the question of which is yinnier and which is more of a yang.

barnacle goose

goose barnacle

You be the judge.

Special powers

I’ve looked at a considerable number of pictures and diagrams of the goose barnacle and I still don’t fully understand how its crazy body is set up. To put a positive spin on it, we could say it has the advantage of surprise.

Weaknesses

We know that the barnacle goose is literally unkillable, so we can infer that the goose barnacle is very much mortal.

Number of legs

Who knows, man.

What’s its astrological sign?

Aloysius.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear is big enough, the goose barnacle would probably just try to stick to its side.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

I can make neither heads nor tails of the goose barnacle. I’m not sure it has either of those things.

One diagram pointed out its penis and I haven't slept since.

One diagram pointed out its penis and I haven’t slept since.

 

 

5/10

 

 

 

 

[1]Seriously! Turn any coin over if you don’t believe me. I’ll wait.

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Platypus

Platypus

There is no animal more confused about its identity than the platypus.

This thing is a mammal that lays eggs. It has a duck bill but a beaver tail, and walks like a reptile. It produces milk but has no teats, instead just kinda sweating it out. It has two ovaries, but only one works. It has extra bones in its shoulder that other mammals don’t, and nobody knows where it got them. It has tons of sex chromosomes – ten in fact, because one pair wasn’t good enough for it; its gender is more complicated than some of my old internet passwords. It has spurs on its hind feet that deliver venom – and again, I can’t stress enough that it’s a mammal despite all this. It is born with teeth that fall out one embarrassing day in fifth grade and it hides in the nurse’s office until school is over. And that’s just the tip of the figurative iceberg (see Weaknesses).

What else do we know about this duck-billed iceberg?

Special powers

We know the platypus has electrolocation, meaning it can detect prey by the electric fields generated by the movement of muscles. That sounds like a power Grant Morrison made up for a cool splash page, but it’s actually true and it is extremely baller.

Its internal temperature is lower than most normal mammals. That’s how dedicated it is to being chill.

ICE COLD

What’s cooler than being cool?

The platypus stores fat in its tail. Given that extra junk in the trunk is so hot right now, it is perfectly poised to be the breakout star of whatever music video awards happen this month.

I should mention here that venom again. Venom! Crazy.

Weaknesses

In addition to the above-mentioned conflicting traits, the platypus has had a goth phase, yuppie phase, gymrat phase, rockabilly phase, steampunk phase, dieselwave phase, person-who-wears-a-hat-all-the-time phase, politically active poet phase, eccentric balloonist phase, and many more. It tries on identities like other people try on glasses frames at the store. Fortunately, the above-mentioned chillness remains constant.

Number of legs

Four.

Magazine subscriptions

Redbook, Ranger Rick.

Is it on a piece of currency?

It is on the 20-cent coin in Australia, opposite the head of Queen Elizabeth II.

now that's paper. okay it's metal.

It’s so money and it doesn’t even know it, per the requirement that every website must contain at least one reference to Swingers (the Simmons Rule).

What if it fought a bear?

It depends what phase the bear catches it in, but if it’s a street-fighting one, the platypus has a chance.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The platypus doesn’t always know what kind of dude it wants to be, but it is always my kind of dude. I mean that in a non-gender-specific way. Rock on, you unnecessarily double-ovaried weirdo!

 

 

10/10

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