Tag Archives: so tall

Maned wolf

Maned wolf

Are you ever looking at the fox and thinking, “Man, this is a pretty good animal, but I wish it were taller. And not in a proportional way. Like, taller in a bizarre stretched out way.” Well fret no longer, weirdo! The maned wolf is there for you.


There it is. Ol’ Forgot-To-Check-Maintain-Aspect-Ratio.

It’s not actually a fox on stilts, though that rumor has dogged it all its life.[1] It’s not actually a wolf either, despite the name.

Special powers

The maned wolf communicates through urine. That’s a code no spy will want to spend time breaking. It once peed all over a manuscript in what was interpreted as a grave insult to the author, but turned out to be extensive notes for editing. Emily Brontë incorporated the maned wolf’s ideas and her draft of what was then called “Wuthering Lengths” was drastically improved.

Also, for a canine? It’s real tall.


That communicative pee I mentioned happens to smell strongly of weed[2], which leads to it getting hassled by law enforcement and disqualified from jobs that drug test.

It never has enough leg room.

Number of legs

Four, and they go alllll the way to the paws.


The maned wolf eats a variety of animals and plants, but most of all it loves to chow down on wolf apples. As a treat named for its most famous connoisseur, the wolf apple is considered “Nature’s Scooby Snack.”

What’s its astrological sign?


What if it fought a bear?

The bear’s fighting style is not particularly suited to dealing with the kickboxing flair of the maned wolf’s.

Is it noble?


Final rating

The maned wolf uses the good looks of the fox (its greatest strength), with a unique twist, but loses the fox’s greatest weakness (its personality). It loses a half-point for insufficient mane, as I don’t take well to false advertising. As for the pee thing… I mean, honestly, the writing tips are good but everything else about it makes that aspect at best a wash.

But if you have a good heart, a tolerance for pot smell, and access to wolf apples, the maned wolf can be the best friend you’ll ever have. Better than Brian, even. And Brian was your best man.








[1]No pun intended, one pun achieved – 360 no scope. Kobe!


[2]I’m talkin’ ’bout ganja, reefer, grass, kush, first national dank, wacky tobaccy, zany cabbage, Mephisto’s leaf, Mary Kay, funky monkey, hummus deluxe, Google Plus, McNuggets, hash, nip, kemp, gronk, chum, the chancellor’s herb.

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This week I’d like to bring focus to a truly superlative animal: the giraffe. The giraffe is of course the happiest animal, but did you know it is also the tallest?


It’s true!

“But wait!” you cry. “Does that mean it is better at basketball than the ostrich?”

First off, stop whining. Secondly, don’t be ridiculous. Just because an animal is taller doesn’t mean it’s automatically better at basketball. All you have to do is ask the great Air Bud, who was the second-shortest on his team after Nate Robinson. In fact, the giraffe’s poor coordination and depth perception doomed it to sit the bench all through high school.

“Riding the pine”[1] was not its biggest embarrassment in early years, however. In yet another example of the ancients being dumb as a box of rocks and the box is also made of rocks, humans once believed the giraffe to be a camel wearing a leopard-print turtleneck. The giraffe felt very self-conscious about this for a long time. I mean, imagine someone mistook you for this:


You wouldn’t take it well, I bet.

Special powers

Obviously, the giraffe has a great height advantage. This aids it in various tasks, both cookie jar-related and otherwise. It has a long, prehensile blue tongue. This aids it in various tasks, both cookie jar-related and otherwise. It has stumpy little horns known as ossicones, which pick up the local FOX affiliate, MTV2, Cooking Channel, the CW, and, on good days if it bends its neck right, Starz Edge.

It should also be noted that the giraffe learns to walk in mere hours. That’s a jillion times quicker than Albert Einstein and Plato combined. So who’s smart now?

An almost preternatural ability to call shotgun. (see Weaknesses)


The giraffe’s incredible height can also be an inconvenience. When the giraffe drops its keys, what follows is a day-long ordeal. Many basements, the subway system, and small cars are all struggles for the giraffe. One silver lining to all this is it has developed an almost preternatural ability to call shotgun.

When the giraffe gathers with its peers, there is a risk of their necks entangling into a knotted mess, creating a many-legged giraffe king.

It isn’t very good at basketball. (see Introduction)

Number of legs


Immortal population

Because of its susceptibility to decapitation, vampire and Highlander giraffes were never able to take hold and died out long ago.

San Diego Zoo, on giraffe sounds

“They just very rarely do so. One sound giraffes make when they’re alarmed is a snort. Threats such as lions nearby may warrant a snort.”

Hey giraffes

Why so stingy with the snorts? You can’t spare a snort for an old friend?

What if it fought a bear?

The bear rarely carries a sword, so decapitation isn’t as simple an option as one might think. The giraffe exploits its reach advantage and takes the win.

Is it noble?


Final rating

This easy-going beast is an impressive sight and a good friend to others. It’s the kind of animal that will help you watch The Simpsons reruns until the cable guy comes to your new apartment – even if your apartment is on the second floor. Especially then, honestly.







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