Tag Archives: Snoop Dogg

Leaf-rolling weevil

Leaf-rolling weevil

It has always been its passion, but leaf-rolling just wasn’t paying the bills for the leaf-rolling weevil. In this economy, there simply aren’t that many jobs for leaf-rollers.

leaf-rolling weevil seeks work

“Leaf-rolling? In THIS economy?” HR reps would say to it.

The leaf-rolling weevil tried adapting the principles of leaf-rolling to other seemingly related pursuits in the employ of the musician Snoop Dogg. It was fine for a while, but ultimately the leaf-rolling weevil felt wrong tainting the purity of leaf-rolling. This same concern also caused it to leave its position as origami instructor at the adult learning annex.

At this point, the leaf-rolling weevil went into a career totally separate from its passion: screenwriting. It is currently on staff at CBS’s “Under the Dome,” and continues to practice leaf-rolling as a hobby with the local leaf-rolling club.

Special powers

Obviously, it is the best at leaf-rolling. You might think you know someone better. You would be wrong.

It is far from the best, but it’s pretty decent at writing.

When riding a tiny weevil-sized motorcycle, it can totally pop a wheelie whenever it wants.

Weaknesses

The leaf-rolling weevil is a real blabbermouth when it drinks. I used this to my advantage on a night out with it to get the real scoop on upcoming “Under the Dome” plot points. Now most entertainment journalists[1] are short-sighted and only try to pry details about the next episode or season. All we have to do is wait a week or a few months and we’ll find that stuff out anyway! No, I shot much higher in my interview with the weevil and I got spoilers from Season Four of “Under the Dome.” Now that’s useful information! Now, without further ado, here are a handful of facts about Season 4 of the #1 dome-drama (or “domedy”) on television. SPOILERS AHOY!

  • The townspeople are upset to learn that dogs are free to move back and forth through the dome’s walls. “How did we not notice this before?” moans a flustered Dean Norris.
  • It will be discovered that the dome inside Mike Vogel‘s head was not planted there by the dome: Barbie has been a half-human half-dome hybrid the whole time!
  • The teens take up skateboarding up the walls of the dome, which they call “going full Bart.”
  • Panic sets in on the populace as the local diner runs out of bacon. The role of Panic is played by special guest star Harry Styles of One Direction!
  • Rachelle Lefevre, pregnant in 2016, will be shot hidden from the stomach down by a small dome.
  • A special flashback episode reveals that, ironically, every single character at some point in 2011 scoffed at the mere idea of domes.
  • Struggling to control the police force and volunteer army, sheriff Natalie Martinez clones herself to better cover the workload, only to discover wacky consequences!
  • The townspeople are forced to team up with the dome against a larger, more advanced dome.
  • The radio station starts a prank war with a stuffy public radio branch which begins operating across the street.
  • Can you say musical episode?!
  • The town of Chester’s Mill go on vacation to Disneyland Paris, only to find that the dome has booked the same trip! Special guest John Cleese.
  • Junior strings together a taunting message “UP YOURS, FUZZ” entirely out of the intestines of his victims. The homicide detective declares it “Classic Poe,” before revealing HIMSELF to be a secret member of Junior’s cult and killing a city council member (who is an even more secret member of Junior’s cult), only to be stopped by Barbie (who, in a twist, is revealed to be a sleeper agent of Junior’s cult, not even aware he’s a member).
  • After their thrilling escape, Dean Norris will realize that the entire town of Chester’s Mill has to go back… UNDER THE DOME!

Number of legs

Six.

Giraffe variety

There is a special kind of leaf-rolling weevil which has taken the giraffe as its hero and its moniker. The giraffe weevil emulates both the giraffe’s happy-go-lucky persona and its long delicate neck.

giraffe weevil

Both things come off a little forced.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear could snap its neck, giraffe-like or not.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

I’ve derived great pleasure from this weevil’s leaf-rolling work, amateur or professional. All these Under the Dome Season 4 spoilers have just gotten me excited for Season 5![2] And I owe it all to the leaf-rolling weevil.

 

8.5/10

 

 

 

[1]Is that what this is?

[2]I hear we meet Barbie’s brother Skipper!

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Dolphin

Dolphin

The dolphin might seem friendly, seeing as it is always smiling all the time, but it’s really super-fake, seeing as it is always smiling all the time.

dolphin

Bottlenose? More like brownnose.

It gets that lustrous silver look by hitting up the dolphin tanning salon every dang week. And while it’s a mammal, it’s completely hairless; do you think that just happened by accident? Obsessive plucking, friend.

Special powers

The dolphin is supposedly quite smart, vapid though it may act. It has connections to celebrities.

Elton John and dolphin

That's SIR Elton John to you.

It is also a master of echolocation, thanks to an organ in its head named the melon – so-called because of its round shape, firm yet juicy texture, and fruity taste.

The dolphin also displays a level 6 healing factor. It has no memory of where this would have come from, but many speculate it’s from the same place as the scratched out serial code on its skeleton and assassin personality.*

Weaknesses

Other animals have frequently maligned the dolphin for its shallowness. For example, right to the dolphin’s face, the fox mocked the dolphin’s “Bravo: Watch What Happens” tattoo. It’s a hypocrite, though, considering its own “We Know Drama” shoulder ink.

Plus, its connections to celebrities are often exaggerated.

Snoop and his dolphin posse

It met him once and still swears it used to be his carrier.

Number of legs

No.

Accomplishments

The dolphin repeatedly aided the crew of the seaQuest and its commander Elijah Wood.

The dolphin, on itself

“I’m really very sweet and generous. Heck, ask my buddy Ryan Reynolds. He was saying it just the other day at his party. Oh, you were there? That’s crazy. I was totally there; it is weird we didn’t see each other. I spent a lot of time upstairs. It was kind of a smaller thing. Close friends only. Every celebrity has a party within the party. I can’t believe Ry-Ry didn’t introduce us. That’s so like him, that rascal.”

Thank you, seaQuest, for the translation services that made this section possible.

What if it fought a bear?

The dolphin learned to fight from Real Housewives shows. Its wine-throwing strategy is no match for the bear’s preferred mauling strategy. There is, however, one exception:

Day of the Dolphin

If the dolphin has been trained by George C. Scott to assassinate the President of the United States, and also the United States has elected a bear.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The dolphin is said to be extremely intelligent. But think about it. It’s not as smart as the human, and if you think real hard, I’m sure you can think of some really dumb humans.

 
5.5/10

 

 
*Triggered by the codeword… Well, I shouldn’t say, but it rhymes with “You must leave the chateau.” The program thought Joe Millionaire would last forever.

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