Tag Archives: slayers

Wombat

Wombat

We have learned in this blog, that if it looks like a dracula, walks like a dracula, and talks like a dracula, it’s probably a dracula.

symphony_of_the_night_1

But not all draculas are so unsubtle. Some hide their vampiric ways in the body of a teddy bear. Well, just one runs that particular scam, really, and its name is the wombat.

What is a wombat?

What is a wombat? An adorable pile of dracula traits.

Special powers

The wombat has a special advantage against potential slayers in that it lacks a neck, leaving little opportunity for beheadings.

Its incisors never stop growing. It is only through the wombat trying to sink its fangs into tough plants, rocks and personal belongings that they are ever worn down.

Weaknesses

It is not great at figuring out what things have blood.

Also, wooden stakes, silver, sunlight, garlic, and Little Debbie brand snack cakes.

Number of legs

Four.

Home

The wombat is something of a restless spirit. It has lived in Transylvania, Hanselvania, Castlevania, Anselvania Adams, Wrestlevania and Australia. After college, it backpacked around Maryland in a misguided attempt to be different from its peers.

The wombat was not born with this love of travel, though. For five solid months, the wombat remained confined not just to its birthplace, not just to its home, not just to a room or basement, but to its mother’s pouch. Millennials, am I right?

What if it fought a man in brown shorts?

The wombat has a fierce and undying hatred of men in brown shorts, and it will never quit. The wombat is the number one cause of death among UPS drivers.

What if it fought a bear?

What is a bear? A miserable pile of brown shorts.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

In general, I am pro-UPS driver, at least as far as not wanting them to die. The wombat is a wonderful combination of danger and cuddliness, but I can not endorse its bigotry and murders. For those, I must dock it half a point.

 

 

9.5/10

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Agama

Agama

My little cousin Randall needed to work on his writing and I needed to get a review of the agama written.

agama

Pictured here looking smug.

So please enjoy what he turned in:

 

Hi, my name is Randall. Today I’d like to talk to you about the agama. Urbandictionary.com defines “agama” as “Did you mean: param?” I tend to agree, enthusiastically. This essay will explain why and the reasons for why.

The agama is a lizard that looks like this:

red-headed agama

It looks this way.

I know about the agama in a direct personal experience from my own life, personally. Specifically what I mean by this is that my classmate LaTeisha[1] has an agama as a pet. This one time in class, LaTeisha told Mr. Foster “That’s what my dad said to my mom!” It was extremely hilarious. Alex’s mom said she shouldn’t have done a thing like such as that, but Mrs. Anderson laughed when we told her about it even though she pretended not to.

Special powers

The agama has very many cool colors, which is cool, for because it’s like the reptile version of human tattoos, which are the coolest thing you can put on a person’s skin. I’m gonna get one that’s a tribal symbol, because I’m like very in tune with nature as well as brotherhood. My dad won’t let me get one yet, though, so I got one on my iPod case, which is like an iPod’s skin.

Weaknesses

The agama is not a good-looking animal in terms of its attractiveness. It has a long tail, so it defiantly gets points for that. But like Beyonce is defiantly the most beautiful creature to ever walk this earth OR the moon’s, and she doesn’t have any tails at all. So I think this proves that a tail does not make an animal better looking.

Also, it does not breathe fire, and that is some bullcrap – pardon my lingo.

Gunfire

This is a cool picture I found.

Number of legs

Four.

Wikipedia article status

The agama article has been rated as “Low-importance.” Sick burn.

What if it fought a bear?

Okay, so like everybody thinks President Lincoln was just this Presidential person, but I saw in the documentary Ibrahim Lincoln the Vampire Slayer, directed by Stefan Spielberger, that he was also very much a vampire-hunter. It’s like, if Lincoln can sign the Exclamation Provocation when half the states are against it and a bunch more didn’t even know they were states yet like Colorado and Hawaii and Cuba, AND kill vampires, then I believe in my opinion that the agama can kill a bear, no offense. God bless America, and the United States in addition.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

Baby Got Back is a great song but it is also very much lyrics that are true in my life. In a conclusionary fashion, I would suggest that if Sir Mix-Em-All were writing it today, he would title it “Baby Got Agama,” which would actually be very much a better match for the anaconda. Last but not firstly, if I have calculated rightly I will be hitting my word count right about approximately now at this moment. Don’t check the margins. They’re fine.

 

8.5/10

 

 

 

[1]Who is white by the way. NOW who’s the racist simplestiltskin?[2]

[2]I don’t know what Randall means by this. I think the last part is supposed to be “simpleton.” –Nathan

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Vampire bat

Vampire bat

In this creepiest of months, I have rated animals famously associated with monsters and merely named like them. But now we reach the vampire bat.

I know what you’re thinking. We’ve all heard the rumors, the late night campfire stories. But they’re not true. Let me tell you the truth:

Yep, it’s a dracula.

You’ve heard that it’s not a dracula – that it’s just an animal that happens to drink blood and come out at night and fly through the air and be vulnerable to wooden stakes and never cross running water. But come on, guys. We aren’t talking about a big bag of coincidences. We’re talking about a big bag of being a dracula.

vampire bat being a dracula

A dracula.

Special powers

The vampire bat is incredibly well-equipped to locate its blood-having prey. It can detect infrared radiation in order to sense your body heat. It can hear your heartbeat. It can smell your fear. It can see your secrets. It can taste your shame.

And it is judgy.

Weaknesses

Wooden stakes. Silver. Sunlight. Garlic. The New York Times Sunday crossword.

Number of legs

Two, plus wings.

Nemeses

The vampire bat has made many enemies over the centuries, many of which are very famous in their own right. They include California youth Buffy Summers, tax evader Blade, theater-lover Abraham Lincoln, Hillbilly Handfishin’ superfan Alucard, and – since 1897 – Van Halen.

Van Halen '84

They once ran the bat over with the car from “Panama.”

Fierceness factor

Very high.

Diet

Haven’t you been paying attention? Your blood! It wants your blood!

vampire hat curses the moon, the sun, the stars

“BLOOOOD,” it screams to the heavens.

What if it fought a bear?

We have to make sure that these two never meet. The broad-shouldered bear is not great at fighting things on its neck. And what if the vampire bat turned it? Is America ready for an immortal, flying bear? Is the world? I don’t think so.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

I don’t support draculas. I believe my record shows that. That said, I have to respect how good at being a dracula this one is. But seriously, quit tasting my shame!

 

 

8.5/10

Tagged , , , , , ,

Great white shark

Great white shark

Many fear it. All respect it. Discovery Channel executives have a religio-sexual obsession with it. It is… the great white shark.

shark

Shh, here he comes!

Special powers

The great white shark can smell blood from incredible distances, allowing it to hone in on easy prey, blood banks, and vampires.* Upon finding its food/demonic victim, the great white exercises tremendous biting power – enough to chew through all kinds of phone books.

Furthermore, the shark is seemingly resistant to cancer. What now, cancer? What now?

Weaknesses

The great white shark can take on many watercraft, but not a sufficiently big boat. Even though it can destroy phone books, it can not provide motivational speeches.

Number of legs

N/A

Surfacing habits

The great white shark makes a habit of poking its head out of the water. Many assume this is out of curiosity, but it’s actually a matter of the great white being among the friendliest and most diplomatic of all sea creatures.

Really great white shark

“GUYYYYYS CAN WE BE BESTIES”

The shark and New York

I trust you are familiar with New York, The Big Easy? Most people have heard of it now, thanks to the popularity of MAD MEN, a television drama set there which tells the tale of Alfred E. Neuman (Jon Hamm) founding a hard-hitting news magazine.

Mad Magazine Men

“What – me worry?”

One of New York’s most famous avenues is Broadway, also known as the Great White Way. Perhaps you have wondered where it got that name. Well, let me tell you. Please. Stop fighting and just let me do this.

Ahem. The great white was one of Broadway’s earliest and greatest stars. It was the first marine animal to break into the world of major plays – and the last until Mandy Patinkin came along.** The theatre community was so devastated when the great white retired to return to oceanic predation/vampire-slaying, it nicknamed their most beloved street in the shark’s honor.

What if it fought a bear?

It’d tear the bear apart. The shark hates that guy.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The great white shark is a terrible and amazing beast, one of the top predators on the globe, and an ambassador to land and sky. And if you were lucky enough to see the great white on stage, you know what acting chops it has. Plus, I have to give it to anyone who stands up to cancer, who if you’ll pardon my language is a J-E-R-K.

 

10/10

 

 

*The great white is one of the most prolific slayers in the animal kingdom, after the human, the Reaper, and the stake-toothed tiger.

**You can barely even tell he has gills; Patinkin is such a chameleon on stage.

Tagged , , , , , ,

Moth

Moth

When the butterfly dies and is raised from the dead through Egyptian black magics, it returns to this mortal plane as the moth. It may resemble the butterfly you once knew, but remember – he’s dead now. What you’re seeing is a monster.

Perhaps you doubt this. Perhaps you believe that the moth is in fact a living creature of its own, distinct from the butterfly. I would ask you to try killing a moth yourself. You will find that, when the demonic fire keeping the moth going is snuffed out, its body will be reduced to dust. Yes, dust just like the vampires in seminal genre television series Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Dusting

I REST MY CASE.

There are, believe it or not, a number of ways in which the moth is different from the vampire. While neither beast needs to eat to sustain itself, the moth does not feed on blood.* The vampire burns up in sunlight, whereas the moth only grows weak and nauseous. The vampire can be killed through a wooden stake to the heart or beheading, but the moth is vulnerable to most any traditionally mortal wound. It is, however, immune to all forms of disease.

Special powers

If you have seen the moth in person, there is little doubt that you have seen it careen toward a light source. It may appear to be a suicidal and unrequited love affair between moth and lamp, but the moth’s actions are not illogical. The moth does not die when it touches a hot light because it knows how to travel the subspace pathways that link all incandescent bulbs.** Any moth body that remains in this dimension is a mere husk, which will be easily replaced when the moth reaches its destination – which may be your home!

moth

The moth travels where it pleases.

Also, as mentioned above, the moth can not be felled by disease.

Weaknesses

Again, the moth weakens in sunlight. It is also, honestly, not that great at flying.

Number of legs

Six.

Life cycle notes

A cursed butterfly does not immediately emerge from its grave as a moth. First, it wraps itself in a cocoon made of pure silk. Within this structure of its own (or Ed Hardy’s) design, the corpse transforms into its new unholy form. After six nights, the moth breaks free, leaving behind silk which can be harvested by clothing manufacturers. This is why silk workers are no better than war profiteers.

Horrifying Wikipedia quote

Grease Moth (Aglossa cuprina), known to have fed on the rendered fat of humans[18]

What if it fought a bear?

The moth may be an abomination, but it is not terribly powerful. The bear would destroy it and become a hero.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The moth is a disgusting perversion of a good animal. A twisted funhouse mirror image. It does not have the strength to execute much in the way of evil, but its corrupting influence is enough to condemn it.

 

1/10

 

 

*Well, not usually.

**Thanks, Thomas Edison!

Tagged , , , , , ,