Tag Archives: sexual deviancy

Meerkat

Meerkat Hey meerkat, are you busy or–

oops

Oh no it’s like that shot in The Shining

Oh. Oh I’ll come back later. In the meantime, I’ll go ahead and rate you. Special powers There are many fine tunnel-diggers in the world, but the meerkat is one of the best. Its tunnels are consistently some of the nicest and most extensive in their respective neighborhoods. It has long been believed that the meerkat is a sun angel, an emissary of heaven meant to protect humanity from the moon devil and his werewolf lieutenants. The meerkat has no fat, which makes it almost thin enough for fashion modeling. Weaknesses The meerkat has no fat, yet insists on wearing shorts in the winter out of some weird stubborn pride. The meerkat’s greatest weakness is for reality shows. It actively follows a variety of them, listed here:

  • Flavor of Love
  • Duck Dynasty
  • Amish Yakuza
  • Mennonite Posse
  • Pitbulls & Parolees
  • Real Housewives of Boca Raton
  • Real Tunnelwives of Molemanopolis, the Undercity
  • Pog Kings
  • Belding Management (about Dennis Haskins, Mr. Belding from Saved by the Bell, becoming a landlord)
  • MANsplanations
  • Diner Lovin’
  • The Decisioning (contest judges’ chairs just spin and spin and spin)
  • Epileptic Caterers
  • The Real Teen Wolf
  • Felony Scavenger Hunt Miami
  • Bunk It or Junk It! (in which contestants are forced to either become roommates or watch a prized possession crushed by industrial machinery)
  • Loch Ness Spring Break
  • YOLO Academy
  • Duke of Versailles (David Siegel’s cousin Duke moves in with the family in the largest home in America, and has some crazy ideas on how to run it)
  • Grapes Ahoy (in which a woman tells a friend that their mutual friend is “overreacting” to something)
  • Mtn Dew Presents Constitutional Dewpublic
  • Stars in Danger: The High Dive
  • Val in the Family (Val Kilmer’s ex-wife lives her life)
  • Flip This Playground
  • America’s Next Great “Psych” Fan
  • LA Surgery Challenge: The Hamptons
  • Poor People Are Hilarious
  • Krill of the Hunt (centered on the humpback whale becoming a bounty hunter)
  • Spencer’s Den
  • Extreme Makeover: Chair Edition
  • How Loud Can This Musical Sting Be
  • We Three Ices (starring Ice T, Ice Cube & Vanilla Ice)
  • Salmon Bride
  • Living With Chuck (OJ Simpson’s former cellmate moves to the big city and tries to have it all while balancing his career and personal life)
  • Mr. Met: Making The Cut
  • Cupcake Assassin
  • Dance, Monkey (primates are trained to participate in dance competitions)
  • Celebrity Top Chef All-Stars
  • I Love Celebrity Top Chef All-Stars
  • Date Rape!
  • Ferrets of the Father (a priest trains ferrets to provide emotional support to the obese)
  • My Whipped Cream Masterpiece
  • Situational Awareness (The Situation’s shenanigans distract local business owners while undercover actors burn down their businesses as a prank)
  • Jenner Unleashed (Bruce Jenner reads snarky comments off cue cards about clips of the testimonies of victims of violent crime)
  • Frittata Palace
  • I Didn’t Know I Was 98% Tumor
  • Let’s Talk I Love Celebrity Top Chef All-Stars (I Love Celebrity Top Chef All-Stars recap show)
  • Flavor of Love Canada

A lot of people think that the meerkat stars in its own reality show, Meerkat Manor. However, this is a misconception. In fact, “Manor” is a soap opera in the style of Downton Abbey, which just happens to be filmed in mockumentary style. The producers claim that this is merely a device, and not meant to be taken as a literal part of the Meerkat Manor universe. Debate on the Meerkat Manor forums continue to rage. Number of legs Four. Wikipedia’s Talk Page, on Meerkat Manor “The people that filmed the show, were probably very good people.” Collective nouns A group of meerkats is known as a mob, gang, or klan. None of these terms are positive.

meerkat family photo

Dang it, Randy; you ruined another picture.

What if it fought a bear? Don’t be silly. All the cooking challenges in the world can’t prepare you for a bear fight. Is it noble? Moderately. Final rating The meerkat’s name comes from the Dutch for “more cat.” As in, “I’d like some more of that cat!” The Dutch have historically greatly enjoyed the cut of the meerkat’s jib. And I find it hard to disagree with them. It’s a pretty great animal all around, as long as you don’t have to share a television with it.     9/10

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Conch

Conch

Almost everything we know about the mysterious conch – which isn’t much – comes from the obsessive efforts of one Friedrich Schnell. This German scientist dedicated all his energies toward studying the conch in order to sublimate his desire to have sex with a train. The first and most pressing question he needed to address was this: Is there anything in there?

conch

Is there?

It turns out what’s in there is a sea snail. This was a great disappointment to Schnell’s assistant, who had been hoping for gold. But yes, the conch is a snail, which means it is some kind of squishy thing that lives in a hard thing that it finds or maybe is part of its body or something. Look, I am not on trial in the court of Knowing How Snails Work here.

Special powers

If you – yes, even you – hold the conch up to your ear, you will hear it do an incredible impression of the ocean. It used to do several M*A*S*H characters too.

Weaknesses

The conch stopped doing the M*A*S*H impressions because all of its voices were based on the movie actors, and once the TV show had been out for a while, nobody really appreciated it any more.

Also, it is deep in debt to the wrong people. For a time, it worked as a boxer – even throwing a couple fights – to pay these criminals back. It was during this time it earned the nickname the “Florida fighting conch.”[1]

Number of legs

No one knows.

Instrument of the gods?

The conch has been said to be Triton’s trumpet, the divine horn of the preserver god Vishnu, and the cornet of Piggy, lord of all flies.[2]

Only the bit about it being the shankha is true. Triton actually preferred the street organ, and pigs can’t play wind instruments.

more organ for the grinding

Pictured: Triton, messenger of the sea.

What if it fought a bear?

It thought it told you people those days are behind it. (see Weaknesses)

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

The conch makes beautiful music for at least one deity. But when it’s not doing that, it’s just being a boring snail. Even Friedrich Schnell, who devoted his life to learning its secrets, lost interest before he discovered much. Unless all those sketches of tank engines toward the end of his notes are related to this animal somehow.

 

5/10

 

 

 

[1]The conch is not from Florida, but the ring announcer felt this sounded better.

[2]I am not on trial in the court of Having Read A Book here.

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