Tag Archives: second opinions

Pill bug

Pill bug

Let’s get it straight. The pill bug is no insect.

So what is this?

So what is this?

It is a land-based crustacean. While most other crustaceans live in the ocean or on the beach, the pill bug lives under a tree that fell over. That’s just poor judgment.

Special powers

The pill bug can curl up into a ball for defensive purposes and purposes of rolling around.

It can also uncurl.

It can also uncurl.

Weaknesses

Its poor judgment.

Number of legs

Fourteen.

Aliases

The pill bug is known to scientists as armadillidium vulgare. It is known in the flea circus as The Living Ball. It is known to its college friends as the potato bug, due to something crazy it did in the horticulture lab. It is known to its elementary friends as doodle bug, because young kids are bad at names. It is known as the sowbug to people who met it through a mutual acquaintance it didn’t expect to see again and gave a false name to years ago. It is known as the roly poly bug to its most intimate friends.

Other ratings of the pill bug

When asked to weigh in on the pill bug, 2016 presidential candidates had diverse opinions.

Marco Rubio: “The pill bug has been nothing but a disaster for America.”

Hillary Clinton: “I mean, maybe it’s not fun to have a pill bug. Maybe it’s more fun to have a dog or a cat. But you just have to suck it up and accept that sometimes your apartment complex doesn’t allow larger pets and it’s the most practical option. Thank you for your question, human friend.”

Rand Paul: “I don’t need the federal government coming in and telling me what is and isn’t an insect. To me, the pill bug is an insect, and if you want me to think otherwise, then get the people of America to pass a Constitutional amendment that says so. Until then, it’s my protected right.”

Jeb! Bush: “Uh, pass.”

Ted Cruz: “They are, however, cherished among children, who enjoy keeping them as pets.”[1]

Chris Christie: “On 9/11, the pill bug was nowhere to be seen. Not me, I was there when the first tower was hit right here in downtown! New! Jersey! Let me hear you! The Jerseyboys ride again!!”

Mike Huckabee: “I think we were too quick to rush to judgment about Charles Manson.”

Deez Nuts: “You know what else is roly poly?”

Bernie Sanders: “Look, it is outrageous that here, in the richest country on the planet, when 80% of species are insects, that we are calling a crustacean a bug. The bottom 2% of 31% of fallen trees, in real numbers, year over year, accounting for inflation, are home to 89% of pill bugs with on average 95% of their expected legs still attached. I don’t think it should be radical to point that out.”

Ben Carson: “You know… [unintelligible] a bug and it’s segmented [unintelligible]. I think it’s ridiculous [snoring].”

Jim Gilmore: “I am Jim Gilmore.”

Donald Trump: “The pill bug’s a loser; nobody respects it. Quite frankly, a lot of these crustaceans, they’re idiots, they’re parasites, they’re snapping people on their little butts with claws. And some, I assume, are nice. What I would do is get rid of the pill bug, get it out of here. And the second part of my plan is to solve all the problems.”

What if it fought a bear?

The pill bug can wait the bear out in a timed match, but it has no hope if it needs to get a KO.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

I’m aware I am stepping in a hot political controversy by taking a stance on the pill bug. But that’s the kind of risk I accepted when I decided to get into the animal-rating game. So get ready for a hot take…

 

 

5/10

 

 

 

 

[1]This quote turned out to be plagiarized word for word from Wikipedia.

Tagged , , , , , ,

Elephant

Elephant

You forgot to vote this week. Yeah, that was this week. You missed out on a totally free sticker. The elephant is disappointed in you.

So it says

It’s not mad.

The elephant is highly invested in the political process. Political cartoonists and logo designers have used it as a symbol of the United States Republican Party, but its actual views are much more diverse. It has cycled through a number of third parties in search of one that fully captures its unique opinions. To this end, it has been involved in the Bull Moose Party, the Hen Buffalo Party, the Brunch Party, the Plutocrats, the Aristocats, M.O.P., #TeamBreezy, the Baseball Furies, a group of hobos led by Brother Soupcon, and the Super Sweet Sixteen Party. It is currently registered as an Independent.

Special powers

Every study about the elephant is about its gentle artist’s soul and how emotionally supportive it is. The elephant went to therapy and learned to paint, so now it thinks it knows everything about relationships. Do not ask the elephant for advice. It might be pretty good, but it’s not worth the tone.

The elephant has a trunk capable of taking in and spraying out water. It can also be used to grab things and play pranks on Kate Capshaw or anyone within one standard deviation of Kate Capshaw.

The elephant has tusks, which are oversized incisor teeth, and don’t you feel less comfortable about them now?

It can sleep standing up or lying down, so it’s got options.

it can be hard to get comfortable

Maybe too many options.

Weaknesses

The elephant is susceptible to floppy trunk syndrome, one of the most adorably named forms of paralysis of all time.

Number of legs

Four

Other ratings of the elephant

“The elephant SAYS it’s working for regular pachyderms. But the TRUTH is it’s in the INCREDIBLY LARGE POCKET of BIG PEANUT.” – anti-elephant attack ad, paid for by a series of nested shell corporations

“Loser loser, chicken dinner. The elephant is both ON the hook and ON the chain.” – Guy Fieri

“Is the elephant good? Yes! But is it elite? Without a championship on its resume, I don’t think I can say it is.” – Jay Bilas

“The female has a well-developed clitoris at up to 40 cm (16 in).” – Wikipedia

What’s its astrological sign?

Cappadonna.

Military usage

The elephant was used for wars because it was “nature’s tank, which is a comparison we will understand once the tank is invented.”

What if it fought a bear?

Well, have you ever heard a song called “War Bear?” Would you like to? Here’s my demo tape. But to answer the question at hand, elephant wins.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The elephant may not have found a political identity that fits it yet, but there’s no need to put its stances in a box. What would you even do with the box once you had it? Commit an Operation Dumbo Drop? No one wants that. What we should want is to spend some time in the company of the sweet-natured elephant.

It kind of is in the pocket of Big Peanut though.

 

 

8/10

Thanks for coming

Bye now!

Tagged , , , , , ,

Seagull

Seagull

The biggest name in coastal birds is the seagull. Much like the biggest name in hamburgers is McDonald’s. The seagull is the McDonald’s of beach creatures. That’s not a compliment.

Special powers

Flight, of course. Though it’s also true that it is a great runner.

It worships the Ancient Ones, and may be spared or kept alive longer than the rest of us.

om nom nom

However…

Weaknesses

However, it is a very sloppy eater. It is such a sloppy eater that it extends all the way through the digestion process, right down to its reckless pooping.[1] Like many birds, it’s an idiot. It is also classless. It showed up to the raven‘s wedding in cargo shorts so it could hold more beers.

Number of legs

Two.

Wikipedia’s talk page asks

“Wouldn’t a nice photo of two gulls fighting over the entrails of a herring be a better shot to have uppermost in the giull wikipedia page?”

Other ratings of the seagull

“The herring gull is one of the most successful of birds.” – The Kingfisher Illustrated Encyclopedia of Animals

“An unfortunate misstep that will undoubtedly damage the bird brand.” – Alan Sepinwall

“Promising in concept, flawed in execution. Shipping was fast.” – Amazon user Caitlyn P.

“Terrible. 9.6/10” – IGN

Related sports teams

There are not many teams named for the seagull, but those that are know the pride and fulfillment of achieving victory as a Seagull. Two Australian rugby teams have worn the uniform of the Seagull, but one abandoned it to become the Chargers. You know, like the thing that plugs your phone into the wall. They have brought shame and dishonor upon themselves by choosing this coward’s way out. Once a Seagull, always a Seagull.

Go Sammy Go!

You let down Sammy the Sea Gull of Salisbury University, Gold Coast.

What if it fought a bear?

It would lose.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

You know the saying, “You are what you eat.” The seagull eats garbage.

 

2.5/10



[1]Just like McDonald’s.

Tagged , , , , , ,

Lion

Lion

Here it is, the king of the jungle:

The Circle of Life

NAAAAAANTS EEVENTYAAA

The lion thinks it’s hot stuff. And it’s hard to blame it, what with all the smoke being blown up its mane about courage this and king that. What the lion tries hard to ignore is the fact that it doesn’t even live in the jungle. The jungle constitution clearly states that it’s improper for an outsider to be made king. Show us the birth certificate, lion!*

Special powers

Everyone knows about the lion’s powerful claws, sharp teeth, guitar-pick-storing mane, etcetera. What most people don’t know about is its ability to turn to stone.

lion statue

The lion in stone form.

The lion does not typically have need for this ability in its stronghold the Serengeti, but in less lion-friendly lands (usually among dense human populations), it can “hide in plain sight” by pretending to be a statue or fountain. The latter disguise requires an incredible amount of perseverance and spit.

Weaknesses

The lion has few weaknesses. The only animals in its traditional environment which can hope to challenge it are the crocodile, the stampeding wildebeest, and the hippopotamus. The lion lacks a protective shell; its mane can be grabbed without it counting as a personal foul; it is lazy.

We should be thankful for that last weakness. Were it not for the lion’s dearth of motivation, it would surely have expanded its kingdom beyond the jungle – perhaps into regions where it can actually be consistently found, such as college campuses and the steps in front of libraries.

Number of legs

Four.

Socialization

Unlike other big cats, the lion is a social creature. It organizes in groups called prides, because it is vain. Each pride consists of one or two male lions, several lionesses, a treasurer, the GM, and any cubs the lionesses may bear.

The lion organizes in a far grander capacity, however. I speak, of course, about the Lion’s Club. I speak of it in hushed tones, lest the rumors of a Lionist conspiracy prove true. The Lion’s Club is spread wide throughout these United States and even a few of the Asiatic nations. It does not have a direct presence in Europe, but it’s said that there are a number of orders and fraternities in the Old World who have allied themselves with the Club. I have no proof of this, but I also have never witnessed the inner workings of a Lion’s Club branch. What do they do in there? It can’t possibly just be bingo and gazelle murder. They’re hiding something – something big.

Other ratings of the lion

“The feel-good animal of the Serengeti!” – Peter Travers

“Everyone has completely missed the point yet again.” – Armond White

“The lion has owed a good deal to his mane and his noble and dignified aspect; but appearances are not always to be trusted.” – The English Cyclopaedia

“It placed its jaws around my mouth and nose until I died of asphyxiation. C-” – Antelope

Related sports teams

There are a number of sports teams named after the lion, but the greatest is undoubtedly the Samsung Lions of the Korean Baseball Organization.

The pride of Samsung!

The pride of Samsung!

What if it fought a bear?

Lions are fighters of bears, oh my!

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

When we discuss the lion, we’re talking top tier in the predator category. But it’s hard to argue with the English Cyclopaedia’s skepticism, especially when one witnesses how the male lion treats the female.

Lion & lioness

“One of these days, Alice… Bang! Zoom! Straight to the moon!”

The lion is no saint, but it is a darn impressive animal. And I feel confident saying that I’m not just another fool blinded by a big mane and a smile.

 

9.5/10

 
 
 

*“Signed, Rafiki, MD”

Tagged , , , , , , , ,