Tag Archives: Seagull Pride Week

Seagull

Seagull

The biggest name in coastal birds is the seagull. Much like the biggest name in hamburgers is McDonald’s. The seagull is the McDonald’s of beach creatures. That’s not a compliment.

Special powers

Flight, of course. Though it’s also true that it is a great runner.

It worships the Ancient Ones, and may be spared or kept alive longer than the rest of us.

om nom nom

However…

Weaknesses

However, it is a very sloppy eater. It is such a sloppy eater that it extends all the way through the digestion process, right down to its reckless pooping.[1] Like many birds, it’s an idiot. It is also classless. It showed up to the raven‘s wedding in cargo shorts so it could hold more beers.

Number of legs

Two.

Wikipedia’s talk page asks

“Wouldn’t a nice photo of two gulls fighting over the entrails of a herring be a better shot to have uppermost in the giull wikipedia page?”

Other ratings of the seagull

“The herring gull is one of the most successful of birds.” – The Kingfisher Illustrated Encyclopedia of Animals

“An unfortunate misstep that will undoubtedly damage the bird brand.” – Alan Sepinwall

“Promising in concept, flawed in execution. Shipping was fast.” – Amazon user Caitlyn P.

“Terrible. 9.6/10” – IGN

Related sports teams

There are not many teams named for the seagull, but those that are know the pride and fulfillment of achieving victory as a Seagull. Two Australian rugby teams have worn the uniform of the Seagull, but one abandoned it to become the Chargers. You know, like the thing that plugs your phone into the wall. They have brought shame and dishonor upon themselves by choosing this coward’s way out. Once a Seagull, always a Seagull.

Go Sammy Go!

You let down Sammy the Sea Gull of Salisbury University, Gold Coast.

What if it fought a bear?

It would lose.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

You know the saying, “You are what you eat.” The seagull eats garbage.

 

2.5/10



[1]Just like McDonald’s.

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Stilt

Stilt

The stilt is a legfreak.

stilt

These legs go aaaaalll the way up, in stark contrast to Rayman.

Now let me be clear. It is not the Legfreak (Usain Bolt). No, the stilt is but a simple circus performer. The paying public comes from far and wide to witness its bizarrely long legs and the wonders they can do.[1]

Special powers

Well, obviously, there’s the leg. And nearly as important, the other leg.

Unlike many birds who stand on long legs (looking at you, ostrich), the stilt can still fly.

Weaknesses

The stilt is one of the top three easiest birds to knock over.[2]

Every year, around the time of Seagull Pride Week, someone mistakes the stilt for a member of the parade.

Number of legs

Two.

Favorite video game

Blinx: The Time Sweeper.

What if it fought a bear?

The stilt would elude the bear by a convoluted course of near Rube Goldbergian complexity.

stilt leaving a trail

Though a relatively simple example, notice the randomly wandering path akin to Billy from Family Circus. “Circus?” See a connection?

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

Not my favorite act at the circus, but there’s much worse. And what is up with those “peanuts” anyway? You’re not fooling anyone, circus. You’ve never had a peanut in your life. Please, circus, can you just tell the truth? We’re not mad at you for not knowing what a peanut is. We’re just concerned.

 

5/10

 

 

 

[1]For example: Tap dance.

[2]The three are agreed on, but their exact order is a subject of much debate amongst animal-tipping enthusiasts.

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