Tag Archives: S.O.-S.A.D.

Mud turtle

Mud turtle

This week, we here at Rate Every Animal turn our attention to a turtle whose name is mud: the mud turtle. It is not made of mud. It does not prey upon mud. It got its name by losing a wager that it could make that jump. The mud turtle made the fatal mistake of forgetting that it can’t make any jump.

Special powers

It plays this low-key, but the mud turtle is super-strong.

oaxaca mud turtle

Here is a photograph of it lifting a log several times its size off the ground with one claw. It’s a little hard to see at this angle.

The mud turtle can never get lost. It is its own home.

Weaknesses

The mud turtle can’t make any jump.

Also, it suffers from seasonal orientation-sadness affective disorder, or S.O.-S.A.D., which requires the use of a special lamp to effectively manage. Just ask anyone who keeps the mud turtle as a pet; they’ll confirm the use of such equipment.

Number of legs

Four.

Varieties

The mud turtle is not one unified species. The creatures under the mud turtle umbrella include:

  • The Tabasco mud turtle: The spicy one.
  • The striped mud turtle: The striped one.
  • The scorpion mud turtle: The mutant one.
  • The Durango mud turtle: A truck.
  • The Alamos mud turtle: The forgotten one.[1]

Wikipedia quote in which turkey cold cuts are a last resort

“As pets they are easy to care for, readily eating commercial turtle foods, feeder fish, worms, or if all else fails, turkey cold cuts. They tend to have ornery yet strangely endearing personalities and enjoy sunning themselves more than other mud turtles.”

This does not mean that the striped mud turtle suns itself more frequently. What it means is that all mud turtles sun themselves, but only the striped mud turtle really gets it, man. It appreciates sunning itself on another level.

What does Mark Trail think of it?

Mark Trail loves turtles

The mud turtle is under the protection of Mark Trail.

What if it fought a bear?

The mud turtle can’t even jump. It’s nowhere near nimble enough to take on a bear.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The mud turtle is a ponderous, sad creature, but a sturdy, gentle one. It resides in its own living house of bones. That’s pretty metal. Even if it weren’t, I couldn’t risk inciting the wrath of Mark Trail.

 

 

8/10

 

 

 

[1]Like some other turtles, its shell has no basement.

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Blobfish

Blobfish

I received several animal requests last week. Of all these animals to get posts, the blobfish is definitely the first. The first, and the… let’s say blobbiest.

Blobfish

WWHHHOOOAAA

…I thought I was ready. I wasn’t ready. Let’s acknowledge this right now: The blobfish is bizarre and, by most any definition, gross with a capital G, R, O, and Ses. It is largely unknown to most people – or so they think. In fact, the blobfish can be observed every day in many newspapers.

Ziggy

They call it “Ziggy.” It thinks itself a man.

Special powers

Ziggy is just one creature, though. You may think him a lonely outcast. However, the blobfish is just one of an elite few. The most famous of this group is Criss Angel, the Mindfreak, but there is also the blobfish, the Skinfreak; Usain Bolt, the Legfreak; Black Bolt, the Throatfreak; and a handful of others whose identities have been protected.

All of this is to say that the blobfish can change its shape as it pleases.

Weaknesses

Its muscles are mostly useless. The blobfish spends most of its life floating in place, eating whatever passes by. It’s not very discerning.

Number of legs

Are you kidding? It barely has anything, much less legs.

Mental disorders

The blobfish suffers from seasonal orientation-sadness affective disorder, or S.O.-S.A.D. Complicating matters is the fact that it lives near the bottom of the ocean, so it always seems like basically the same weather and thus the blobfish is pretty much uniformly depressed year-round. It does buck up around St. Patrick’s Day, though. It likes the parades.

Innovations

At one point in the ’60s, a number of people – mostly hippies and good-for-nothings – became convinced that Freaks had all the answers. They sought out the Mindfreak (who was at that point still in his scarf-loving fourth form), the Liverfreak, and ultimately the Skinfreak. The blobfish couldn’t offer much in the way of useful advice, but it gave its deep-sea-diving pupils more mournful sighs than they ever could have hoped for. It also wiped its face on a shirt, giving one of those hippies the idea for the “frowny face.”

Forrest's face

Like this, but less dumb.

What if it fought a bear?

Are you kidding? It barely does anything, much less fight.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The blobfish is a pathetic creature, to be sure. With a mug like that, it just never got a chance, but on the other hand it doesn’t apply itself much anyway. It should also be said that I don’t care for the Freaks’ politics. The blobfish is, at egg, a good heart; it’s a shame it associates itself with them.

But hey, it’s still more successful than the blobbird.
 
 
6.5/10

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