Tag Archives: royalty



The quail and mankind used to be friends a long time ago.

"You wanna go cruise for babes?"

But I haven’t thought of you lately at all. (Photo from Des Moines Register)

Now, of course, humanity’s BFF is the dog. But in the long-distant past, that role was filled by the quail. Accounts differ as to what exactly broke up the then-inseparable pair. One story is that the quail ate something in the fridge that man was saving for later. One rumor is that man said something bad about the quail’s girlfriend, or possibly its fondue start-up business. Some say the break-up was caused by a betrayal in a game of foursquare, though there’s no consensus on who was the betrayer.

Special powers

Look man, what do you want? It’s the quail. The only power we thought it had was loyalty and if the story about the fridge is true, we know that’s not so. We wanted the rest of that chicken wrap for dinner, quail! We wanted it so bad.


The qual is subject to the whims and orders of the king quail.

A certain kind of quail was, in punishment for the crime of murder, cursed to forever repeat the name of its victim, Bob White.

Number of legs

Two. Plus two wings.

Wikipedia’s Talk Page Asks

“I Would Like To ?buy Fresh Water Drinkers For thirtytwothirtyfour Naseby 4rd B’ham Beight threHe For Sabina Insha Allah I Will Pay When zit -arrives”

What if it fought a bear?

The quail would challenge the bear to a game of foursquare. The bear would maul it instead.

Is it noble?


Final rating

We may not remember exactly what you did to us, quail, but we will never forgive you. The dog is way cooler than you, anyway. It would never eat our wrap. It… It puked on the floor and now it’s eating the puke.

…The point stands.



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The flycatcher is not just one bird. It comprises numerous birds, which can be divided roughly into two warring factions – those who follow the monarch flycatcher and those who follow the tyrant flycatcher – as well as the third party silky-flycatchers and legendary fairy flycatchers.

Special powers

It can catch the fly.

The fairy flycatchers are said to grant wishes to the pure of heart, given sufficient audience applause and “fairy dust.”[1]


PCP, mostly.

fairy flycatcher - rare, magical, druggie

So high.

Number of legs

Two, plus wings.

Notable followers of the Monarch

The disciples of the monarch flycatcher mostly have names which seem to have been made up on the spot shortly before a hard deadline. They include:

African Blue Flycatcher

White-tailed Monarch

Little Yellow Flycatcher

Black-winged Monarch

Black-backed Monarch

Black-chinned Monarch

Black-and-white Monarch

Black-faced Monarch[2]

Cerulean Paradise Flycatcher

Buff-bellied Monarch[3]


Hooded Monarch[4]

Restless Flycatcher[5]

Notable followers of the Tyrant

The adherents of the tyrant flycatcher’s ideology have generally more fearsome titles. They include:

Great Shrike-Tyrant

Great Kiskadee

Cinnamon Flycatcher[6]

Sulphury Flycatcher[7]

Black-capped Pygmy Tyrant

Piratic Flycatcher[8]

Flammulated Flycatcher[9]

Drab Water Tyrant

Cattle Tyrant

Many-colored Rush Tyrant

Streamer-tailed Tyrant[10]

Scissor-tailed Tyrant[11]

Fork-tailed Tyrant[12]

Northern Beardless Tyrannulet

Eastern Wood Pewee

Agile Tit-Tyrant

What if it fought a bear?

The bear has no respect for the flycatcher’s hierarchy.

Is it noble?


Final rating

Agile Tit-Tyrant.






[2]The most offensive flycatcher of all.

[3]The first bird to appear shirtless on the cover of Flex Magazine.

[4]This mysterious stranger never removes its mask. Can it be trusted?

[5]If you thought the fairy flycatchers loved PCP, wait until you see this one.

[6]The most delicious flycatcher.

[7]The least delicious flycatcher.

[8]This flycatcher isn’t in it for your war.

[9]You think it’s all hype? You think this flycatcher isn’t flammulated? Think again, bub.

[10]Its streamer tail makes it the most festive of all flycatchers.

[11]Its scissor tail is a powerful weapon against all but the rock-tailed flycatcher.

[12]Its spoon-shaped tail is a persistent source of disappointment for its parents.

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Horseshoe crab

Horseshoe crab

Of all those who purport to have legitimate claims to the crab throne, the horseshoe crab‘s pretending is the most egregious. The horseshoe crab, you see, is no crab at all.

horseshoe crab photoshoot


The horseshoe crab is more closely related to the spider, scorpion and xenomorph than any true crab. Still it persists in making plays to establish itself as the crab king.

Special powers

And it has the weaponry to support its campaign. The horseshoe crab’s whole body is covered in a firm leathery carapace. It can use its tail to flip itself back over when upside-down, giving it an instant advantage in BattleBot matches. The horseshoe crab isn’t technically a robot any more than it is a crab, but it hasn’t let that stop it from entering.


It failed to avoid the Noid.

Number of legs


Is its mouth somewhere weird?

Yes, in the middle of all its creepy legs.

horseshoe crab: the view from below

Sweet dreams!

What if it fought a bear?

The bear is just one beast. The horseshoe crab has an army. Oh, I’m sorry; did I not mention the army earlier? It has one.

Is it noble?


Final rating

The horseshoe crab is not crab. It’s not horseshoe. I doubt it’s of this earthly realm. I am thankful its ambitions are limited to the crab kingdom for now, but the crabs can only squabble over their oceanic throne for so long. Eventually, the horseshoe crab’s attentions could be drawn elsewhere. And when that time comes, not even flipping it over will save us.




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Emperor tamarin

Emperor tamarin

Winner of the Animal Kingdom Mustache Championship four years running, the emperor tamarin is a prominent and influential figure in the animal world.[1]

emperor tamarin

It’s well-earned.

In addition to performing its duties as mustache champion, the emperor tamarin is emperor of all monkeys.

Special powers

The emperor tamarin rules over all monkeys. It is a great power. There are a lot of monkeys. And they’re good at stuff that other animals aren’t, like picking stuff up without putting them in their dang mouths.

Its mustache is immune to poison.


The emperor tamarin’s dictatorship has not been without controversy. Recently declassified documents revealed that the CIA tried several times in the ’60s to depose the emperor tamarin – unsuccessfully each time. There was the attempt to slip poison into its mustache wax. There was the arming of the insurrectionist Proboscis monkey to aid in its failed coup. There was the car bomb foiled by the realization that the emperor tamarin can’t drive.

In later years, the United Nations even went so far as to request to resolve to officially condemn in writing the actions of the emperor tamarin.

Number of legs


Favorite video game

NFL Street.


According to the Jackson Zoo, the emperor tamarin “displays a need for tenderness, as in captivity they love to be stroked by hand and will actually lay on their backs in hopes of extra petting attention.” Which, like, you and me both, man.

emperor tamarin and family

You and me both.

What if it fought a bear?

The emperor tamarin fights bears all the time to prove its strength. However, those bears are actually its own guard monkeys wearing bear suits and throwing the fights. A real bear would likely prove more of a challenge.

Is it noble?


Final rating

According to monkey propaganda, the emperor tamarin invented napkins and the Arnold Palmer.[2] They say it was born under a “super eclipse,” an astronomical phenomenon which involves the sun and moon occupying the same place in space and which has seemingly no basis in actual astronomy. Its mustache is said to deflect bullets. So far, only the last of these claims has been proven to be true.







[1]Plants don’t give a single crap.

[2]Both the drink and the golfer.

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Old World vulture

Old World vulture

As I lay here dying at the top of a Tibetan mountain, abandoned here like a twisted version of jhator, the ritual sky burial practiced here, I find myself reflecting on the Old World vulture.

Indian vulture

I also reflect on the blood leaking fast from my extensive wounds.

If you don’t know much about sky burial, the whole idea is that a body is given up to the vulture in the sky rather than a box in the ground. However, it is usually done with bodies that are already dead. That is not the case with me today. While perfectly viable for corpses, I – as a still living person – am finding it extraordinarily painful.

Special powers

If you provoke or frighten the Old World vulture, it will vomit on you. That’s what we in the business call a power move. I tried to struggle more at first, before my strength had deserted me, which is why I am covered in defensive vomit now. The Old World vulture’s remarkably powerful stomach acid, capable of killing most any disease, is having quite the corrosive effect on my open wounds.

The Old World vulture also pees on itself to cool down and stay clean. Is there any bodily fluid it can’t find a use for?


It’s got a big ol’ bald head. The Old World vulture insists that this is a benefit that allows it to keep its feathers clean as it thrusts its head deep into my flesh. “C’mon, bro,” I gurgle through the blood filling my mouth. “Nobody’s buying it, baldie.”

Number of legs



Unlike many birds, the vulture has no song. Intermittent grunts and hisses are the soundtrack to my slow, slow demise. This is my death song.

Magazine subscriptions

Time, Life, Mile, Mite, File, Flight, Milf, Better Homes and Gardens.

What if it fought a bear?

It is hard to tell as my vision grows gray and dull.

Is it noble?


Final rating

I plead with my last breaths to the vulture king to end my suffering. If he knows mercy, I may live to rate again. Until I see evidence of such mercy, I must rate the vulture a…




Would not die by again.


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Gooooood evening and welcome to Debate Every Animal! We’re taking the hottest animals of the week; we’re chewing ’em up and we’re spitting ’em out in your face! Pow!

[Insert aggressive title graphic here. See if the FOX robot is available.]

Here on the panel today with me are Chip Dipson.

CD: Hi Nathan. I’m beside myself with rage.

NC: And Dip Dobson. Dip?

DD: Thanks for havin’ me, fellas. I just wanna say my blood pressure is higher than the Andes. It’s the silent killer, Nathan!

NC: Ha ha, that it is, Dip. That it is. All right, enough jaw-chaw. Let’s get to Mazda First Shots.(TM)

[Another loud title graphic. Gunshot sound effects are heard, along with faint screaming.]

NC: Fish! Can’t live with ’em, cannot microwave ’em without a smell! Never truer than of the salmon, who has been making waves[1] lately in the animal world. But is it a winner? Or a worthless piece of crap? Chip, what’s your Mazda First Shot(TM)?

CD: I mean, look, what can I say?

NC: Your opinion, in the form of things that aren’t swear words.

CD: Okay, thanks. I was wondering. I’m a skeptic on the salmon. There are thirty fish I would pick before I even need to consider the salmon.

DD: Are you serious right now?!

CD: Angelfish. Tilapia. Narwhal. Hogfish. Literally any shark. And I’m biased, but my bro the devil fish. It’s like the old truism: There are plenty of fish in the sea.

DD: Truism? More like false-ism. The hogfish hasn’t been relevant in years. And besides that, the narwhal isn’t even a fish.

CD: Alright, let’s not split hairs.

NC: Please don’t talk about hares; need I remind you this is a conversation about fish. Dip, your response?

Special powers

DD: The salmon is at the top of its game right now, and I’d put it up against the tilapia or devil fish any day. I’m not sayin’ it’s gonna come out on top every time, but 50% of the time. Chip, not one of those animals you listed makes an incredible journey home to spawn. The angelfish hardly strays from its reef. Where are the homing abilities? Where are the pure athletic jumps up waterfalls?

keep going, salmon

CD: We can talk all we want about athleticism and jumps, and I’m just gonna ignore for a second that the salmon is no dolphin when it comes to those.

DD: Oh, as if that’s a fair comparison.

CD: You brought it up!

DD: I’ll take second place.

CD: Yeah, you will, in this debate.


CD: What’s happening as the salmon is doing all that jumping? The bear is getting its mouth positioned right in its target path!

NC: Please, Chip. We have a separate segment for bear-related inquiries.

CD: I’m sorry, Nathan, but I am riled up; I am roided up; and I am peeved out!

Number of legs

NC: Let’s go around the table for some quick predictions. How many legs does the salmon have at the end of the season?

DD: Four.

CD: Zero.

DD: Are you kiddin’ me?

CD: I don’t think it’s got it in it, Dip.

DD: You’re a hater. There’s no reasoning with you, you slobbering moron.

CD: We’ll see, you slack-jawed dirtmonkey.


NC: Okay, setting aside the larger debate and getting micro. We got a lotta different kinds of salmon competing out there. Atlantic, Chinook, Chum, Pink, Sockeye, Steelhead, Balsaface, Lampbutt, Danube, Silver… Who’s your pick?

DD: You know, the Danube’s got the size advantage being the largest, but I think what it comes down to is passion. And when you want passion, you want the humpy.[2] I think the Pink Salmon’s gonna surprise a lot of people.

CD: I’m not gonna shock anybody here, but if I have to go with a salmon, I’m gonna go with the Chinook or King Salmon. Right?

DD: I’m not gonna say anything bad about that choice.

CD: I’ve gotta give it props. It’s a solid ruler and it has a good head on its shoulders.[3]

Elite status

NC: The salmon is one of the most famous fish active today. It has been served on millions of dinner plates. But is it an elite fish, a phrase which holds zero meaning and has been invented for the purposes of this discussion?

CD: I think we know where I fall on this. The salmon doesn’t have the hunting prowess or the beauty of the elite fish. It’s B-list material.

DD: Have you forgotten about the Salmon of Knowledge, you whimpering scum-slurper? This thing had all the collective wisdom of the universe.

CD: Yeah, yeah, we all know about the Salmon of Knowledge, you nutless twit. But it gained the wisdom of ancient times, when they thought meat was made of flies and nothing made you sicker than your own blood and whatnot.

salmon of knowledge

The ancients: Idiots?

What if it fought a bear?

CD: Look, the bear eats salmon every friggin’ day. The salmon jumps right in there, in the most misguided possible kamikaze attempt. Until the salmon finally remembers to strap a bomb to itself before it tries this little tactical gambit, the bear’s just gonna keep racking up the kills.

Salmon jumps into bear mouth

DD: I can’t disagree with ya, Chip, you filthy junk-jockey.

CD: Finally!

DD: Jumping directly into the mouth of your predator is a boneheaded, rookie move, and it’s an old habit the salmon needs to break – and soon.

Is it noble?

DD: Yes.

CD: Not a chance.

Final rating

NC: Gentlemen, it’s that time. What is your Geico “Oy it’s a lizard innit” Final Rating?

CD: 6/10.

DD: 8/10.

NC: I’m going 7/10. We’ll see you next week, when we’re not doing this dumb bit.





[1]Splash sound effect.

[2]Also known as the pink salmon.

[3]Do fish have shoulders? Check in next week for High Life Corrections and Regrets sponsored by Miller High Life.

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I don’t know if you’ve ever pinned a snake up against a wall in an alley and demanded to know who it’s working for, but the answer is always the same: the kingsnake.


It runs things.

Special powers

The kingsnake rules over all snakes. The powers of all these slithering beasts are at its command.

Beyond being able to summon all manner of serpent to its aid, it has powers inherent in itself. Namely, biting and shape-shifting. (See Forms)


It’s got no legs!

Number of legs

None at all.


The kingsnake is a full-time supervillain.

grey-banded kingsnake

It doesn’t matter how many legs it has. What matters is its plan.

It has been a part of many schemes to rule/destroy various nations/the planet. Most have failed, though notably it did spend quite some time as Genghis Khan’s replacement until Luke Cage restored the integrity of the timestream, as well as the $200 the kingsnake owed him.

Luke Cage

Where’s his money, honey?

The kingsnake’s lobbying has also been cited as a major reason for the appointment of Justice Hugo Black, the first “out” supervillain to serve on the U.S. Supreme Court.


What follows is a partial list of forms the kingsnake may take, for purposes of combat, deception, amusement, or vanity:

  • Florida kingsnake: The conceit of this character is that it has a “swamp persona” threatening to overtake at all times. It was funny the first couple times.
  • Baja Cape kingsnake: A much more flamboyant version of the kingsnake.
  • Mole kingsnake: This is to the kingsnake as the moleman is to man.[1]
  • Black kingsnake: The kingsnake’s most offensive impression.
  • Milk snake: This is the kingsnake’s take on the coral snake, but due to dyslexia, it’s just a little off. It was also once mistaken for a milkshake. Long story short, it inspired the creation of curly straws.
  • Coffee snake: This version of the kingsnake is baller at karaoke.
  • Scarlet kingsnake: An expert mixologist.
Image from West Texas Herpetological Society.

PRO-TIP: A fun way to remember the difference is through a mnemonic device, such as a rhyme.

What if it fought a bear?

The kingsnake has gone toe-to-toe with the likes of the Challengers of the Unknown and MI6 and lived to tell the tale; the bear should be no trouble.

Is it noble?


Final rating

The kingsnake is master of all it surveys, snakewise. Its dedication is incredible. But that dedication is primarily toward evil ends. And a bunch of the characters it does are kind of half-baked.





[1]If you like this joke, read it again in the salamander review! – Smilin’ Stan


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California condor

California condor

Huell Howser: Well hello, everybody; I’m Huell Howser!

Huell Howser, California's Gold


HH: I’m here on a… what do you call this?

Nathan Cranor: A blog, Huell.

HH: A blog – now what’s that?

NC: It’s a… It’s an internet.

HH: And you and I are in it.

NC: Sure. Umm, hi, readers. Sorry about this. Huell stumbled in here with a microphone and just started doing his show here.

HH: My sense of direction isn’t at its best, folks. I’ve been very dizzy lately. But what is it you do here on this bloggernet?

NC: Today I rate the California condor.

California Condor

HH: Now that is one wild-looking dog!

NC: It’s not a dog. It’s a kind of vulture, and as such is subject to the rule of the vulture king.

HH: Amaazing! Now that is truly some of California’s Gold.

NC: You’ve got to leave.

HH: Does this dog eat avocados? I once met a dog who loved to eat avocados!

NC: The condor is a scavenger, feeding mostly on carrion, but occasionally will settle for checked luggage as well.[1]

Special powers

HH: Wwow! And if you can see here, this creature, whatever it is, is moving through the air…without moving its feet!

California Condor Flying in Pinnacles National Monument

NC: It’s called flying. Seriously, leave.

HH: You know, from up there, I bet it can see aaaall the way to beautiful San Bernardino, California.

NC: That’s it. Excuse me for a second, everybody.

please stand by

…That’s better. Now, where was I? Ah, yes…


As covered in my bald eagle review, the California condor is a living piñata ready to burst with candy at the first hint of a bullet. So that’s a big one. It also suffers from the same baldness as that eagle, though it is not so ashamed of it. It should be though. It should be.

Number of legs


Online presence

The California condor bizarrely thrives on dead and dying social media platforms. It is currently the most active and popular user on Friendster.

Loyalty to the vulture king

High to medium-high.

What if it fought a bear?

Is the bear dead? If so, it might have a fighting chance.

Is it noble?


Final rating

The California condor does what it sets out to do, and does it with integrity. Consider that corpses are notoriously lazy; they’re not going to eat themselves. The California condor fills that role perfectly.

It can be a little “LA” though.

California condor

“Are you guys going to the Grove later? I need to walk off this Pinkberry.”

HH: That is amaazing!

NC: Gah! How many times do I have to shoot you in the head?!

HH: Now you say I have a “head?” Now what’s that?

NC: Hhuuuuuueeeelll!

Studio Audience: Laughter, applause

Executive Producer: Dick Wolf






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Statistics tell me that one in three of you reading this are shoveling honey into your mouth from a huge jar right now.* But where did this honey come from? The answer is the honeybee.

honey bee

This thing made your precious sugar goop.

When not generating honey, the honeybee engages itself in various other tasks depending upon its position in the colony. The honeybee’s organizational structure is one of rigid specialization, with essentially zero opportunity for upward mobility. No matter how hard a drone works, it will never be promoted to drone manager.

But anyway, what about these tasks? They include building the hive’s wax combs, collecting nectar and pollen from flowers, making kamikaze runs at comparatively huge animals who may not even be interested in bothering them, filling out expense reports. Their most loathed job requirement falls under the category of nectar-collection, and it’s the quota of new flowers each bee is expected to bring in. This can be especially frustrating when there aren’t good leads to work with.

Third place gets bugsprayed.

Always Bee Pollinating.

Special powers

The honeybee is a terrific dancer. So terrific, in fact, that it uses dance in order to communicate. Dances it has mastered include the:

  • Waggle Dance
  • Tremble Dance
  • Shiver Dance
  • River Dance
  • Flashdance
  • Locomotion
  • Macarena
  • Twist
  • Twist Again
  • Yo, Twist feat. The Fat Boys
  • Christoph Waltz

And this is just a partial list.


Unlike the bumblebee, the honeybee cannot temporarily annoy someone else without tearing its own innards out.

Number of legs


Administrative structure

The honeybee is governed by the honeybee queen. She wields near-absolute power, allowing for the exception that she does not have the power of mobility. She is trapped for life in the nest, grotesquely fat with eggs at all times. The notion that she can detach herself from her egg sack is a Hollywood fantasy invented by James Cameron to spice up the finale of True Lies.

What isn’t a myth is the queen’s control over her employees through chemical signals, which keep them too doped up to realize that she’s a fat lazy piece of crap who doesn’t deserve the diamond jubilee celebration she forces the colony to give her every few years.** Nor the stock options she gives herself either.

What if it fought a bear?

Have you even read Winnie the Pooh?

Is it noble?

Drones and workers? Moderately.

The queen? No.

Final rating

The honeybee is immeasurably better at making honey than any other animal in the world. Seriously, raccoon-honey is basically the worst thing I’ve ever put in a peanut butter sandwich.***

At the whole having-a-society thing, its failures are as inescapable as the honeybee’s death after a sting. A revolution is needed before the honeybee will ever make it into the upper tier of animals. …Wait, what are you doing? Oh no, the queen heard me. She’s just chemically controlling you! You don’t want to do this! Attack her! Rise up, bee brethren and – ow! Ow! No! Nooooo!

Bees In a Cage, On Cage

Killing me won’t bring back your ******* rating!





*My data sample comes primarily from the cast of Winnie the Pooh.

**More like diamond jubibee. I’ll let myself out.

***Raccoonswax is pretty on point, though. It’s no beeswax, but it does alright.

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Merriam-Webster defines the cheetah as something that never prospers. Anyone who knows the cheetah knows that this simply isn’t true.

The cheetah doesn’t wield the organizational power and influence of the lion, but it does have an extensive personal fortune at its disposal, thanks to its ongoing success in racing.

Special powers

The cheetah is the fastest land mammal on the globe. The only real competition at its level are history’s most elite racers. The cheetah has had particularly intense rivalries with Burt Munro, Seabiscuit (Tobey Maguire), Usain Bolt the Legfreak*, Pete “Maverick” Mitchell, Takashi the Drift King, Twista, the echidna, Captain Douglas Falcon, Racer X, Mario Andretti, and Wario Andretti.

Captain Douglas Falcon

Douglas rued the day he asked the cheetah to “show {him} {his} moves.”

The last rival nearly ended the cheetah’s career in 1994 with an illegal koopa shell maneuver, but the cheetah has since returned to the sport faster than ever, completing the dreaded Kessel Run in a mere 10.4 parsecs.


Besides low-down, desperate stunts with koopa shells, not much can slow the cheetah down. The tragic irony is that its inability to slow down is exactly what strains its relationships with family and friends.**

Number of legs



It has been said by many seemingly reputable sources that the cheetah can not roar. The truth is that it can, but it chooses not to. Between you and me, I think it just knows that the lion is better at it and is just too embarrassed to even try. Not that the cheetah would ever admit such an insecurity.

Fur characteristics

Speaking of things the lion does better, did you know there is such a thing as a cheetah mane?

Cheetah and cub

The cheetah is a rarity in the animal kingdom: a camera whore. It nets you cool poses like this.

The cheetah has one only as a youth, however, as it falls out in adolescence in a sort of mirror of the lion gaining one in puberty. Both big cats celebrate the occasion of gaining or losing a mane as a symbol of the transition from cubhood to adulthood. And that’s what a cat mitzvah is.

Leadership prophecy

“Into every generation a king cheetah is born: one cheetah in all the world, a chosen one. He alone will wield the speed and skill to do the really, really big loop we built. On this basis, he shall lead us.”

The cheetah seer’s words have been proven true thus far. How effective a leader the king cheetahs have been and whether building the loop was a waste of resources: these are up for debate.

What if it fought a bear?

With getaway sticks like those, it doesn’t need to stand and fight anybody.

Is it noble?


Final rating

While the cheetah is devoted to the purity of the sport of racing, in all other aspects of its life, it is sorely lacking in moral compunction. Witness its crumbling personal life, its constant gazelle-killing, its frequent pranks on unwitting drive-thru operators, etcetera. But under all the bravado and emotional distance, there’s a very fuzzy kitty underneath.

Cheetah belly

Isn’t there? Isn’t there, boy?





*Please consult the blobfish post for more on Bolt and his fellow Freaks.

**Coming this summer to USA. Characters welcome.

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