Tag Archives: roly-poly

Pangolin

Pangolin

It goes by “Bangolin” in the rave scene, but its true name is the pangolin.

pangolin walking here

In salsa club, it’s known as “Tangolin.”

Special powers

The pangolin is perhaps most succinctly described as an anteater Tony Stark. Its back is covered in scaly armor. The scales are made of keratin, the same substance your fingernails are made of.[1] There’s nothing the pangolin loves more than a full body massage/pedicure at the nail salon.

This armor is made even more useful by the fact that the pangolin can roll up into a little ball. It’s the roly-poliest animal I’ve rated since the giant panda.

pangolin ball

However, the pangolin’s tongue is much longer than the panda’s.

Weaknesses

The pangolin is literally toothless. It’s not figuratively toothless; it has plenty of courage. Not that it’s extraordinarily courageous, mind you. If it were, I would have mentioned it in Special powers. I’m not slipping mentally. I’m not.

Now where was I? What animal is this? Right, the pangolin. I knew that. I… I was testing you. Anyway, the pangolin is really bad at chess. Every time, it thinks it has a brand new strategy, but all these ideas are just dumb. Most embarrassing was its “King’s Elbow” scheme, which hinged on the power of the leftmost pawn and the mobility of the king. It wouldn’t have been so bad if the pangolin hadn’t named the strategy and laminated résumés mentioning it.

Number of legs

Four.

Fun quote from my encyclopedia of animals

“Pangolins may also eat ants, although they seem to do this unintentionally.”

Diet

The pangolin prefers termites. Almost exclusively. However, like all of us, it’s not immune to a few ants slipping in there now and again. To deal with this problem, the pangolin will swallow pebbles to crush the ants in its stomach before they can survive long enough to form a society. It has also been known to swallow tiny pistols, ball-peen hammers, or ant serial killers for the same reason.

Is it a tetherball?

pangolin tetherballin' it up

The answer may surprise you. But probably not.

What if it fought a bear?

The pangolin can just curl up and ride it out.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

This little guy is pretty much awesome. It’s oddly cute; it’s unique; it’s roly-poly; it’s an animal that comes with its own friggin’ armor.

Tragically, the pangolin is the victim of humanity’s suckiest and jerkiest impulses, and in danger of disappearing forever. To find out how to help it not do that, maybe check out: http://savepangolins.org/help

Sorry to end on a bummer. I really like pangolins. Everyone should.

 

10/10

 

 

 

[1]Presumably. I don’t know your life.

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Giant panda

Giant panda

In a stunning first for Rate Every Animal, I have secured an exclusive interview with the subject of my review.[1] That’s right. Today I present to you the giant panda.

Panda with bamboo jazz flute

I bet you didn’t know it can play flute.

It is a very famous animal. Perhaps you think you already know a lot about it, such as the fact that it has very specific dietary needs. There’s one type of sustenance it prefers above all else: Faygo. The panda is a Faygan, consuming only Faygo and Faygo-derived products.

Faygo, sweet nectar of the juggalo

Faygo’s website is currently featuring Uncle Kracker. Come on, Faygo. Come on.

Giant Panda: Magic magic ninja what![2]

Nathan Cranor: Is this a trick question?

GP: Are you not down with the clown?

NC: I’m perfectly healthy, thanks.

GP: Ugh, come on, brotato. You’re such a muggle-o.

Special powers

NC: Panda, what would you say are your special powers?

GP: Dogg, I got talents out the ‘zoo.[3] I’m totes strong. I’m roly-poly as heck.

NC: Is that really a strength? Being roly-poly?

GP: Why don’t you ask me that when I’m ‘scapin’ all the uphill dangers?

NC: I don’t know, scheduling probably.

GP: An’ when I’m rollin’ I’m rollin’ deep. 21 style.

NC: 21?

GP: Adele, dig?

NC: Oh. That’s not what I was thinking of.

21 is a movie Kevin Spacey is in

The Space-man rolls deep also.

GP: I’m tryna explicate I gots a crew of my best compadres what got my back every time and then some. Whoop, whoop.

NC: Are they all juggalos too?

Weaknesses

GP: Nah, somes is Independent.

NC: That’s very tolerant of you.

GP: A panda be nothin’ if not such a thing as you have described.

Number of legs

NC: How many legs do you have, in your opinion?

GP: Oh mane, you know I ain’t even see that ish in an unbiased fash’. But gun to ma nuts, I go four.

Entertainment preferences

NC: What art do you enjoy, besides the collected works of Psychopathic Records?

GP: Look, don’t be scribin’ a world where I’m defined by ICP. ‘S just a facet. Like, you know I flip on the teev on the weekly to catch B. Notes. It’s this sick show up in USA. Characs welcome, namsayin’?

NC: No.

burn notice

Mikey West got that b. note.

GP: Further to the more, if we bein’ honest, lately I’m all up on that Brav. Real ‘swives of New Jers’, Top Chef Just ‘sserts. It ain’t make me less of a panda, Kevin, if you’s readin’ this.

NC: Moving on…

GP: Slow down, brolio vaccine. I ain’t yet mention which of the books I favor.

NC: I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared to ask.

GP: You laid eyes on these Hungry Games? That Katniss chick represents ‘strict 12 like a boss.

Petability factor

NC: Let’s not mince words; you’re very fuzzy.

GP: You’re speakin’ truth to power with that one, dogg.

NC: What’s your stance on petting?

GP: Not my fave. Usually it’s got more than a tinge of that condescensh. But I know what I been given, and deprivin’ the world of it ain’t a place I can call mine. Sometimes you take one for the team, namsayin’?

NC: What if you fought a bear?

GP: What, like one of them brown squares? A grizz? Or like slothy B? I know I can take on the latter, not so for sure on the former.

Is it noble?

NC: No.

GP: What’s this now?

Final rating

NC: Thank you for doing this interview, giant panda.

GP: I got ‘preciation for you for lettin’ me get my voice out there, namsayin’, tickle-me-elbro?

NC: This interview is over. (storms out, ripping microphone off of shirt)

GP: …Yeah, I know. Hence the wrap-up. Think I can’t catch a drift? I’m windfarm status in the area of drift-catching.

giant panda

Grabbin’ up the drifts wherever they fall.

…Okay, let me be the first to admit that what I did was unprofessional. But that Elmo pun really rubbed me the wrong way, like a certain kind of plush animal upon any sensor-triggering touch.

Fortunately, I walked out on the end of the interview, so you haven’t lost any content. There should be enough to show that the giant panda is, well, a bit much. Namsayin’?

 

 

6/10

 

 

 

Footnotes    (↵ returns to text)

  1. I have done interviews before, as in my consultation of Anna Paquin, but that was about an animal completely separate from Anna Paquin.
  2. I later learned that this is a secret greeting amongst the gentle juggalo, of which the panda counts itself. Greet Vice President Joseph Biden in this way and you may just get a tour of his hidden “man-cave.”
  3. Wazoo. I can’t translate it further than that.
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