Tag Archives: psychic

Octopus

Octopus

“Octopussy! She is Octopussy!
Beware her ink
You’re sure to sink
Into her sea of lies
Her advanced eyes
Will see you meet your doom
At the eight strong hands of Octopussy!”

 – Theme from Octopussy

Those lyrics are as true today as they were the day they were written. The octopus is not just a fanciful foe of James Bond. It is all too real, my friend.

octopus

This could be just an inch below your feet any time you’re in the ocean. Have fun!

Special powers

We mammals all have a heart inside us. Most others are the same way. The octopus, clearly just showing off, has three.[1]

Beyond this blood-pumping triple threat, the octopus has many special powers: poison, considerable intelligence – including tool use, ink squirting, the ability to change color at will, excellent vision, a salivary papilla which is a tooth-covered organ that shoots out from its sharp beak, etcetera.

There are even specializations on top of all that. The mimic octopus does impressions and is a wizard. Paul the Octopus was a psychic who predicted World Cup winners, but could not foresee his own untimely death in a car accident.

Weaknesses

We mammals all have a spooky skeleton inside us. Most others are the same way, or wear their skeletons on the outside, as bugs do. The octopus, however, has no skeleton at all.

Contrary to popular belief, the octopus hates gardening. The Beatles, in their famous song about the subject, were using irony. You like them now, right, kids?

Number of legs

Eight, two rows of suckers each.

Courtship

The male octopus has a special sperm-filled arm dedicated to this purpose, which it breaks off its own body and gifts to a female in a tasteful but creative ceremony. For a spell, flash mobs and jumbotrons were popular ways to make the offering, but are now looked on as cliché.

What if it fought a bear?

That bear you think you see is just the octopus doing a pretend. The real bear was defeated thirty-five minutes ago.

Is it noble?

The octopus’s motives are known only to itself.

Final rating

This inscrutable creature is very powerful indeed. Honestly, I’d say it’s OP and ready for a nerf. And no, I’m not just saying that because I am being repeatedly owned. I don’t need to learn 2 play, octopus! I know how 2 play just fine!

 

6.5/10

 

 

[1]Eat your super-sized singular heart out, Grinch.

 

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Horse

Horse

Life ain’t all mint juleps and large hats. Believe it or not, the horse exists all year round, even on the high holy days. If people who like the horse are to be believed, it is the most important creature in the world.[1] It is certainly quite magnificent if you ignore its crazy eyes.

Special powers

The horse is a fast animal – so famous is its speed that if you look closely, you’ll find the word “horse” hidden within the word “horsepower.” The horse is a powerful animal, capable of pulling all manner of heavy objects – hence why we measure towing capacity in “horsespeed.”

But let’s get back to that impressive speed. Every single Kentucky Derby has been won by the horse, except for one year when it was won by a mysterious floating orb.[2]

Due to its above qualities and strong sense of justice, the horse frequently serves as a law enforcement officer.

HORSE LAW

HORSE LAW

It typically carries around a human assistant who can handle any speaking, writing, or hat-wearing duties.

Weaknesses

Speech. Writing. The wearing of hats.

There is a critical hole in the horse’s defenses: it can be controlled through mental communication.

Can't go wrong.

The perfect plan.

If that fails, it will do literally anything for oats.

Number of legs

Four

Phrases

The horse has been a prominent figure throughout history. The Lewis & Clark expedition, the Lincoln-Douglas debates, the invention of the telephone, the House Un-American Activities Committee hearings, and Joe Frazier and Muhammad Ali’s 1971 fight all took place with all the participants on horseback. Naturally, the horse has worked its way into many of our most enduring idioms. Below I have collected some of the most famous ones, along with their explanations:

One-horse town: Before adopting the star rating it uses today, Zagat would rate businesses on a scale of five horses. This term describes a city with a poor average Zagat rating.

Don’t put the cart before the horse: If the horse were presented with the garbage we have it pull around, it would fly into a blind rage. This phrase is comparable to “Ignorance is bliss.”

High horse: When you take the same position a marijuana-addled horse would take, you are “getting on your high horse.”

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink: The horse is a deeply responsible designated driver.

Trojan horse: If you can’t understand what your horse is saying, it may be speaking an ancient language of west Turkey.

Beating a dead horse: This is a sick thing to do. This is messed up.

A horse of a different color: Sometimes a horse will be a different color than yours and you will murder your neighbor in a jealous fury.

Straight from the horse’s mouth: Sometimes if you reach into the horse’s mouth, you will find prizes like gumballs, stuffed animals, or keys to a nnnneww caaaaaaar!

Look a gift horse in the mouth: If you check the horse’s mouth before you reach in, that’s cheating.

Hold your horse’s mouth: Horse-owners are obsessed with horse mouths.

Nightmare: A kind of female horse who enters your dreams as a psychic vampire.

This is the end of this list.

The horse in the future

Could the horse be replaced in the future by a mechanical simulacrum?

mechanical horse from 1933

Scientists say no, and stop asking so many questions and how did I get that photograph give them that right now get out of their office.

What if it fought a bear?

Unfortunately, the bear is a master of mental communication ever since it ate a psychic. The horse would quickly become its unwitting pawn. Unless of course we could engineer a horse who didn’t have an organic mind – only a computer. Perhaps such a creature would resemble a big metal bug. Yeah, now we’re onto something…

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The horse is beloved, and for good reason. Well, fairly good reason. It isn’t actually made of Heaven’s love like some horse-owner hymns say. Mainly it’s made of bones and horse-guts. But don’t let my instinct to push back against their hyperbole take away from the horse’s many good traits.

As they say in the Derby: saddle away!

 

9.5/10

 

 

[1]“Every precious horse life is worth a hundred human souls. May every beautiful horse soar to immortality on the land-wings God has granted and man has girded with iron. (One and every one!)” – famous horse-owner call and response

 

[2]“ORB IS GREAT. ORB IS GOOD. ALL HAIL ORB.” read the headline. On the next day, nobody remembered writing it.

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Land snail

Land snail

At first glance (and most subsequent glances), the land snail seems useless.

snail

“Oh thank goodness you’re here!” – a phrase the land snail never hears

Sure, there are some weirdos who believe you can eat it in a context outside starvation or bet loss. To those people I say: would you similarly defend eating a slug? If you wouldn’t eat an animal naked, don’t eat it just because it’s wearing something fancy.

In the 1850s, Jacques Benoit sought to discover a higher purpose for the land snail – namely, using its telepathic love connection to its snailmate[1] to create a telegraph. When the user poked the correct snail on one end, the conversational partner would witness the effect on the corresponding snail on their end, theoretically. This was known as “snail mail.” The failure of Benoit’s invention is easy to explain when one realizes that fourteen of the twenty-four snail couples were divorced within ten years.

Special powers

An instantaneous telepathic link to its one true love. The snail also boasts a tough shell, which it maintains through a calcium-heavy diet and regular applications of wax.

Weaknesses

Due to a slimy residue left by it wherever it goes, the snail is one of the most easily trackable creatures, there in the conversation with those animals which leave riddle-clues and the sloth, which is probably still at the scene of the crime. It has to take in a lot of dairy to keep that shell in tip-top shape.

Number of legs

Not applicable.

What’s in the shell?

Secrets.

What if it fought a bear?

If Anthony Bourdain can vanquish/eat you, you probably don’t have a prayer against the bear.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

Is it a boring snail? Yes. Of course it is. But it also has a powerful psychic sexual bond I can’t help but admire. We should all be so lucky.

I wish I were a snail

Truly an enviable animal.

 

 

8/10

 

 

 

 

[1]A snail soulmate.

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Peacock

Peacock

I have a personal history with this week’s animal. It and I lived across the street from one another for most of my childhood. The animal in question is the peacock.

Unfortunately, my first-person insight into the peacock is fairly limited. It wasn’t a terribly forthcoming neighbor in terms of talking about itself. It would gladly talk your ear off about the weekend’s new movies and which exactly had “boffo B.O.” but it offered precious few details of its own life.[1]

Special powers

I have established earlier in this blog that psychic powers are granted those animals with third eyes. Consider then, the dozens of eyes in the peacock’s tail and you will begin to understand just how massively powerful its psionic abilities are.

the peacock has many eyes and they are ever watchful

Already it sees your mind. Aaaaand… yep. You looked too long. It owns your brain now.

In addition to being a world-class telepath, the peacock is a high-ranking film and television executive. This might not seem like much of a special power, but can YOU greenlight a Chris Pine romantic comedy just to win an argument with a coworker?[2]

The peacock’s favorite projects to produce are high concept films. Incidentally, there’s some confusion about what exactly constitutes a “high concept” movie. Allow me to explain. They’re called high concept because they’re the kind of thing a high person would come up with, like “what if a dog played basketball” or “I bet Abe Lincoln would be the best at killing vampires” or “they should totally make a sequel to Donnie Darko.”

Weaknesses

The peacock has a reputation in the entertainment industry for its projects coming in a day late and a dollar over budget. But honestly, one day and one dollar? That’s not that bad. That’s pretty easy to adjust for.

Furthermore, it has committed the sin of pride. It has three separate Instagram accounts and once spent two hours and nineteen minutes in a hall of mirrors.

Number of legs

Two. Also wings.

Peafowl terminology

Technically speaking, only a male is known as a peacock. A female is known as a peahen. A child is known as a peawee. A non-working male who exists only to reproduce is known as a peadrone. An adolescent fighter is known as a peaweight. An elder, washed up fighter is known as a peabull. One of my neighbors was known as Al.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear’s mental defenses are not particularly strong. The peacock could make the bear its puppet.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Its film record is pretty mixed. It’s awfully full of itself. And all that loud meowing seems unnecessarily mean and better left to the mockingbird. On the other hand, it is quite pretty and its psychic powers blow everyone else out of the proverbial water. CORRECTION. IT IS EXTREMELY PRETTY. UNDOUBTEDLY THE PRETTIEST OF ALL THE BIRDS. ITS MOVIES ARE BRILLIANT AND IT IS NOT THE PEACOCK’S FAULT IF AUDIENCES CAN’T APPRECIATE OBLIVION. IT WORKS REALLY HARD, HUMANS.

 

10/10

 

 

 

[1]The other main thing it liked to say was “MEEEE-YOW! MEEEE-YOW!” which I take as a slam on the cat.

[2]Both the peacock and its colleague the lion recorded their own roars for their respective studios. The investors scrapped the peacock’s, however.

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Iguana

Iguana

When one thinks of standard lizards, it is not long before one comes to the iguana.

iguana

Oh man, it’s here already.

It arrived so much sooner than I expected. I expected it soon. Just not that soon.

Anyway, the iguana embodies pretty much everything that one associates with lizards as a group, and adds a lot of weird bumps into the mix.

Special powers

Like the brine shrimp, the iguana also boasts a psychic third eye. Its psychic powers, however, are typically more telekinetic in nature. The iguana can move rocks of middling size, sticks, children’s clothing, Magic-brand eight-balls, etcetera.*

Weaknesses

The iguana has a dewlap, which is a nice way of saying it’s fat.

Number of legs

Four.

Petability

Some people keep iguanas as pets. The iguana mostly falls in line, but it doesn’t really do anything. It is also a little off-beat via not being a cat or a dog, so you have to explain why you went with it of all things. And to take this category more literally, how much joy can you really get from petting it?

I don’t ask these questions to cast aspersions on you, potential iguana-owner. I ask them because they are the very questions you need to ask yourself before you commit to being the iguana guy.

Notable Iguana Guys

  • Johnny Depp (actor)
  • Martin van Buren (president)
  • Bret Michaels (musician)
  • Hugo Chavez (performance artist)
  • Nicola Tesla (inventor)
  • David Bowie (Nicola Tesla)
  • Jeff Daniels (designer of The Grid)
  • Bad “Port of Call New Orleans” Lieutenant (lieutenant)

What if it fought a bear?

The bear would eat a big chunk of iguana and immediately regret it. Because: gross.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

Okay, now I will cast aspersions on you, iguana-owner.**

 

4.5/10

 

 

*Despite what certain Muppets will assert about telekinesis, size matter does.

**Except you, David Bowie. We’ll always be friends.

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Brine shrimp

Brine shrimp

In the year 1957, mad scientist and noted white supremacist Harold von Braunhut had hit a bump in the road with his development of X-ray spectacles, which he hoped to use to prove that, underneath the skin, people really are inferior to him. To take his mind off the problem, he put his efforts into another project – creating the brine shrimp.

The brine shrimp is our first man-made animal covered in this blog. It is a tiny creature, which accomplishes tasks almost exclusively in large rust-red clouds which roam salty lakes in search of minorities at which to hurl epithets. The brine shrimp has been frequently marketed to children with disposable income in Fantastic Four and Amazing Fantasy advertisements as Sea-Monkeys.

Brine shrimp

Abominations may be purchased via mail order.

Eventually von Braunhut did complete his X-ray glasses, and abandoned the brine shrimp to live on its own or in the custody of young comic book readers.

Special powers

The reason the brine shrimp is well-suited to being moved through the United States Postal Service is that it has a very low cryogenic freezing point. The brine shrimp may live forever if accidentally left in the back of the refrigerator, provided the power doesn’t go out very often.

It should also be noted that the brine shrimp has a psychic third eye in the middle of its forehead. The individual brine shrimp can only read thoughts, but when it gathers in a crowd with others of its ilk, they can combine their powers to hypnotize a dog or small child.

Weaknesses

As long as the brine shrimp is kept separate from its fellows, its powers are quite weak. Also, it is a tiny, crushable shrimp.

Number of legs

Twenty-two.

Impact of salinity

The brine shrimp requires a certain amount of salt in the water it lives in. When there is not enough salt in its environment, the brine shrimp grows depressed and apathetic.

What if it fought a bear?

It is a shrimp. It can’t do anything to a bear.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The brine shrimp is certainly a much better deal than X-ray spectacles. Be wary of getting too many, though, if you have pets or children in the house who might fall under their thrall.

Its final rating must also suffer from being a shrimp that completely resists scampification. You can not make brine shrimp scampi. You just can’t.

 

4/10

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