Tag Archives: politics

Pill bug

Pill bug

Let’s get it straight. The pill bug is no insect.

So what is this?

So what is this?

It is a land-based crustacean. While most other crustaceans live in the ocean or on the beach, the pill bug lives under a tree that fell over. That’s just poor judgment.

Special powers

The pill bug can curl up into a ball for defensive purposes and purposes of rolling around.

It can also uncurl.

It can also uncurl.

Weaknesses

Its poor judgment.

Number of legs

Fourteen.

Aliases

The pill bug is known to scientists as armadillidium vulgare. It is known in the flea circus as The Living Ball. It is known to its college friends as the potato bug, due to something crazy it did in the horticulture lab. It is known to its elementary friends as doodle bug, because young kids are bad at names. It is known as the sowbug to people who met it through a mutual acquaintance it didn’t expect to see again and gave a false name to years ago. It is known as the roly poly bug to its most intimate friends.

Other ratings of the pill bug

When asked to weigh in on the pill bug, 2016 presidential candidates had diverse opinions.

Marco Rubio: “The pill bug has been nothing but a disaster for America.”

Hillary Clinton: “I mean, maybe it’s not fun to have a pill bug. Maybe it’s more fun to have a dog or a cat. But you just have to suck it up and accept that sometimes your apartment complex doesn’t allow larger pets and it’s the most practical option. Thank you for your question, human friend.”

Rand Paul: “I don’t need the federal government coming in and telling me what is and isn’t an insect. To me, the pill bug is an insect, and if you want me to think otherwise, then get the people of America to pass a Constitutional amendment that says so. Until then, it’s my protected right.”

Jeb! Bush: “Uh, pass.”

Ted Cruz: “They are, however, cherished among children, who enjoy keeping them as pets.”[1]

Chris Christie: “On 9/11, the pill bug was nowhere to be seen. Not me, I was there when the first tower was hit right here in downtown! New! Jersey! Let me hear you! The Jerseyboys ride again!!”

Mike Huckabee: “I think we were too quick to rush to judgment about Charles Manson.”

Deez Nuts: “You know what else is roly poly?”

Bernie Sanders: “Look, it is outrageous that here, in the richest country on the planet, when 80% of species are insects, that we are calling a crustacean a bug. The bottom 2% of 31% of fallen trees, in real numbers, year over year, accounting for inflation, are home to 89% of pill bugs with on average 95% of their expected legs still attached. I don’t think it should be radical to point that out.”

Ben Carson: “You know… [unintelligible] a bug and it’s segmented [unintelligible]. I think it’s ridiculous [snoring].”

Jim Gilmore: “I am Jim Gilmore.”

Donald Trump: “The pill bug’s a loser; nobody respects it. Quite frankly, a lot of these crustaceans, they’re idiots, they’re parasites, they’re snapping people on their little butts with claws. And some, I assume, are nice. What I would do is get rid of the pill bug, get it out of here. And the second part of my plan is to solve all the problems.”

What if it fought a bear?

The pill bug can wait the bear out in a timed match, but it has no hope if it needs to get a KO.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

I’m aware I am stepping in a hot political controversy by taking a stance on the pill bug. But that’s the kind of risk I accepted when I decided to get into the animal-rating game. So get ready for a hot take…

 

 

5/10

 

 

 

 

[1]This quote turned out to be plagiarized word for word from Wikipedia.

Tagged , , , , , ,

Goat

Goat

By the Chinese zodiac, 2015 is the Year of the Sheep/Goat/Ram – proof that people dumb enough to believe in astrology don’t understand what different animals are. 2015 is gonna be a big year. I have a number of Bold Predictions for 2015, which I would like to list now:

  • We’ll hit all 12 months again, in – and here’s the spooky part – the exact same order as last year.

  • Sisqo will sing “Toyotathon-th-thon-thon-thon.”

  • The new Helen Thomas (beloved stalwart White House press conference presence) will be a man named BuzzgrindTommy.

  • Pink Floyd will finally get the Doors/Eagles style backlash it has delayed for years through a soon-to-expire contract with Satan.

  • The truth about Area 51 (that it is the Seventh Flag of Six Flags) will be revealed.

  • Justin Timberlake will announce, “I brought sexy back and if you aren’t more responsible with it, I’ll take it away again.”

  • A popular news website will publish an editorial positing that “maybe the Kennedys should have cameled less.”

  • A beloved actor who is now almost 90 years old will die.

  • Jeff Dunham will become a martyr for many free speech advocates when he is hospitalized with stab wounds after his new puppet “Satchmo” comes to life.

  • Arbor Day will be fraught with controversy in light of public sentiment turning against trees. A comparably themed day called Freedom Shrub Day will be celebrated.

  • A brave new serialized drama will explore the murder of one woman, and how it affects a grumpy dude, over the course of a short season.
  • 2015 will be Ryan Lewis’s year to shine.

  • The 2016 U.S. Presidential race will heat up when Joe Biden promises “a stunt-ready dirtbike in every garage,” Jeb Bush takes a meeting with a major campaign supporter who turns out to be a sentient tire fire, Mitt Romney calls a taco “one of those delightful spicened rollers,” and Hillary Clinton takes to wearing a black cloak she claims helps her harness “the Darkforce.”

  • The molemen will not reveal themselves fully to land-dwellers, but they will make their presence felt subtly. Pay close attention to the signs.

  • Seahawks over Packers, by just a little.

  • The Grammys will be cohosted by LL Cool J from NCIS: Los Angeles and Yass Cat from the phone application Vine.

  • North Dakota will be canceled due to lack of interest.

This is what happens when you let the goat have a whole year.

Special powers

Not that I dislike the goat, necessarily. It has many things going for it. It produces milk useful to humans. It’s equipped with horns for defense. It can double jump, allowing it to reach the highest platforms on most stages.

I should also note that the goat is a wuminant – its stomach has 36 chambers.

Weaknesses

It will eat anything, even boots or old tin cans, and it doesn’t even put sriracha or something on there first.

The goat’s eyes are unnatural nightmare portals.

aaahhhh

The goat has on several occasions served as the bridge that allowed real evil into our world. We think it’s unintentional.

get killing

There’s some circumstantial evidence that it’s not.

Number of legs

Four.

Number of men it respects

The goat only respects one man.

Police warned angry goat on roof 'only respects one man'

What if it fought a bear?

Step one of fighting the bear is respecting the bear’s ability. That is a step the goat will fail.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Assuming the goat isn’t actually a willing servant of the demonic, it’s perhaps the most charmingly goofy source of cheese that exists. That’s the kind of comfort we’re going to need to make it through the Year of the Goat. A conditional…

 

 

8.5/10

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Elephant

Elephant

You forgot to vote this week. Yeah, that was this week. You missed out on a totally free sticker. The elephant is disappointed in you.

So it says

It’s not mad.

The elephant is highly invested in the political process. Political cartoonists and logo designers have used it as a symbol of the United States Republican Party, but its actual views are much more diverse. It has cycled through a number of third parties in search of one that fully captures its unique opinions. To this end, it has been involved in the Bull Moose Party, the Hen Buffalo Party, the Brunch Party, the Plutocrats, the Aristocats, M.O.P., #TeamBreezy, the Baseball Furies, a group of hobos led by Brother Soupcon, and the Super Sweet Sixteen Party. It is currently registered as an Independent.

Special powers

Every study about the elephant is about its gentle artist’s soul and how emotionally supportive it is. The elephant went to therapy and learned to paint, so now it thinks it knows everything about relationships. Do not ask the elephant for advice. It might be pretty good, but it’s not worth the tone.

The elephant has a trunk capable of taking in and spraying out water. It can also be used to grab things and play pranks on Kate Capshaw or anyone within one standard deviation of Kate Capshaw.

The elephant has tusks, which are oversized incisor teeth, and don’t you feel less comfortable about them now?

It can sleep standing up or lying down, so it’s got options.

it can be hard to get comfortable

Maybe too many options.

Weaknesses

The elephant is susceptible to floppy trunk syndrome, one of the most adorably named forms of paralysis of all time.

Number of legs

Four

Other ratings of the elephant

“The elephant SAYS it’s working for regular pachyderms. But the TRUTH is it’s in the INCREDIBLY LARGE POCKET of BIG PEANUT.” – anti-elephant attack ad, paid for by a series of nested shell corporations

“Loser loser, chicken dinner. The elephant is both ON the hook and ON the chain.” – Guy Fieri

“Is the elephant good? Yes! But is it elite? Without a championship on its resume, I don’t think I can say it is.” – Jay Bilas

“The female has a well-developed clitoris at up to 40 cm (16 in).” – Wikipedia

What’s its astrological sign?

Cappadonna.

Military usage

The elephant was used for wars because it was “nature’s tank, which is a comparison we will understand once the tank is invented.”

What if it fought a bear?

Well, have you ever heard a song called “War Bear?” Would you like to? Here’s my demo tape. But to answer the question at hand, elephant wins.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The elephant may not have found a political identity that fits it yet, but there’s no need to put its stances in a box. What would you even do with the box once you had it? Commit an Operation Dumbo Drop? No one wants that. What we should want is to spend some time in the company of the sweet-natured elephant.

It kind of is in the pocket of Big Peanut though.

 

 

8/10

Thanks for coming

Bye now!

Tagged , , , , , ,

Black house spider

Black house spider

And then along came a spider…

black house spider

Get it? It’s like Along Came Polly, but for a spider.

The black house spider is one of three closely related species, the other two being the grey house spider, which also exists primarily in Australia and New Zealand, and the White House spider, which exists primarily in the District of Columbia.

Special powers

One does not live in Australia or New Zealand without developing serious toughness to survive the daily onslaught of deadly snakes and goblins. The black house spider has some venom. It’s not the strongest stuff, but how strong is your venom? Exactly. Glass houses, bro.

It also has the standard spider ability of web building.

Weaknesses

The flip side of the black house spider’s web-making ability is that it has all the architectural understanding of that guy in your class who tried to make a tower out of single toothpicks stacked end-on-end, Kevin.

Also like Kevin, it has never read a novel to completion.

Number of legs

Eight.

This week in personal anecdotes of Wikipedians who are probably dead now

“I’ve had a great opportunity to study a fine specimen (female, with spiderlings) in my bathroom window for 6 months now. I must confess to feeding her blowflies that foolishly enter the house. My boy and I think it’s better than T.V. to watch her hunt and kill. It was a very exciting event when the hatchling first emerged. They are growing fast – probably tripled in size in the first few weeks. I have observed both mother and children ‘drinking’ from the web when I have a shower and steam up the bathroom. They spread out on the web and glean the little droplets of dew condensating on the strands. All this time, I have never seen the spiderlings eat anything and yet they are growing well. There are fewer than when first hatched. Do they eat each other? They don’t seem interested in the flies I feed her. It’s a mystery to me. I wondered if anyone had any ideas?Shaun Gardner (talk) 23:19, 13 December 2010 (UTC)”

What does Mark Trail think of it?

Mark Trail on spidersWhat if it fought a bear?

The White House spider could just order the bear arrested. The black house spider has no such recourse.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

It is man’s staunchest ally in the perpetual war against the insect world.

 

7.5/10

Tagged , , , , , ,

Cougar

Cougar

Picture a jaguarundi. Now imagine something similar, but twice the size. What is this creature? It’s a mega-jaguarundi. But if you multiply the mega-jaguarundi by nearly five factors, now you have the cougar.

Special powers

The cougar is a big cat, so it does big cat stuff. I’m talking claws, speed, strength, agility. Its main power, however, is political. Each term, the vice president of the United States of America selects a cougar.

vice presidential cougar

Harry Truman’s cougar, Hairy S Puman.

The vice president’s pet cougar is not, contrary to popular belief, mentioned at all in the Constitution. It’s merely a tradition started by John Adams, our first and – for now – last Federalist vice president. He wrote that “As the lion is the king of the African jungle, so the puma is the vice president of the American forest. I can think of no more fitting beast to have at my side.”[1]

It’s all very similar to how presidential term limits of eight years were started unofficially by George Washington, our first and – for now – last cyborg president. This caused one angry Bostonian essayist to write that at that rate of change and the life expectancy of the time, “a man could live through THREE different prefidents! Fuch upheaval if unheard of. Fincerely, Fiffy Fpacek.[2]”

Weaknesses

Some of the cougar’s fancier powers were stolen by the loathsome thief Pumaman in a bid to become a superhero.

Puma Man

This is the face of a bandit.

Not living up to its full potential is not the cougar’s only weakness. There’s also its disastrous, scandal-tainted run as the mayor of Cougar Town. To this day the Cougar Town city council is distrustful of felines.

Number of legs

Four.

Known aliases

The cougar goes by many names. These include, among others:

  • the puma
  • the mountain lion
  • the panther
  • the ghost cat
  • the catamount
  • Catmandu
  • Doc Giggles
  • Maurice
  • Countrykitty1138

What if it fought a bear?

The bear has an immediate advantage in that it long ago got its powers back from Major Ursa the Human Bear.[3]

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

Look, I like big cats. The patriotic part of me likes that America has one. Still, I must be honest and unbiased. The cougar abandoned its child the jaguarundi, and it really set the Cougar Town economy back a few years. “Ghost cat” is kind of cool though.

 

6/10

 

 

 

[1]Adams also liked how silly it made Ben Franklin and his turkey look.

[2]I know. It’s a coincidence.

[3]Check Tales of the Remarkable #61, true believers! –Smilin’ Stan

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Agama

Agama

My little cousin Randall needed to work on his writing and I needed to get a review of the agama written.

agama

Pictured here looking smug.

So please enjoy what he turned in:

 

Hi, my name is Randall. Today I’d like to talk to you about the agama. Urbandictionary.com defines “agama” as “Did you mean: param?” I tend to agree, enthusiastically. This essay will explain why and the reasons for why.

The agama is a lizard that looks like this:

red-headed agama

It looks this way.

I know about the agama in a direct personal experience from my own life, personally. Specifically what I mean by this is that my classmate LaTeisha[1] has an agama as a pet. This one time in class, LaTeisha told Mr. Foster “That’s what my dad said to my mom!” It was extremely hilarious. Alex’s mom said she shouldn’t have done a thing like such as that, but Mrs. Anderson laughed when we told her about it even though she pretended not to.

Special powers

The agama has very many cool colors, which is cool, for because it’s like the reptile version of human tattoos, which are the coolest thing you can put on a person’s skin. I’m gonna get one that’s a tribal symbol, because I’m like very in tune with nature as well as brotherhood. My dad won’t let me get one yet, though, so I got one on my iPod case, which is like an iPod’s skin.

Weaknesses

The agama is not a good-looking animal in terms of its attractiveness. It has a long tail, so it defiantly gets points for that. But like Beyonce is defiantly the most beautiful creature to ever walk this earth OR the moon’s, and she doesn’t have any tails at all. So I think this proves that a tail does not make an animal better looking.

Also, it does not breathe fire, and that is some bullcrap – pardon my lingo.

Gunfire

This is a cool picture I found.

Number of legs

Four.

Wikipedia article status

The agama article has been rated as “Low-importance.” Sick burn.

What if it fought a bear?

Okay, so like everybody thinks President Lincoln was just this Presidential person, but I saw in the documentary Ibrahim Lincoln the Vampire Slayer, directed by Stefan Spielberger, that he was also very much a vampire-hunter. It’s like, if Lincoln can sign the Exclamation Provocation when half the states are against it and a bunch more didn’t even know they were states yet like Colorado and Hawaii and Cuba, AND kill vampires, then I believe in my opinion that the agama can kill a bear, no offense. God bless America, and the United States in addition.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

Baby Got Back is a great song but it is also very much lyrics that are true in my life. In a conclusionary fashion, I would suggest that if Sir Mix-Em-All were writing it today, he would title it “Baby Got Agama,” which would actually be very much a better match for the anaconda. Last but not firstly, if I have calculated rightly I will be hitting my word count right about approximately now at this moment. Don’t check the margins. They’re fine.

 

8.5/10

 

 

 

[1]Who is white by the way. NOW who’s the racist simplestiltskin?[2]

[2]I don’t know what Randall means by this. I think the last part is supposed to be “simpleton.” –Nathan

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Dog (part two)

Dog (part two)

PREVIOUSLY ON RATE EVERY ANIMAL

The dog doesn’t make a lick of sense… Double Dare hosted by Marc Summers… we have to find Habib Marwan… tossed salad and scrambled eggs… “I’ll break your legs!”… Is it noble?

WE NOW RETURN TO YOUR DOG REVIEW ALREADY IN PROGRESS…

Is it noble?

Yes.

Breeds

The dog is one of the most diverse of all animals. There are many, many breeds, and each of them is very distinct. Let me just run down some of the highlights.

St. Bernard

Saint Bernard: We begin with the Saint Bernard[1]. This dog specializes in rescuing mountain-climbers in the Alps and being an alcoholic. It’s rarely seen in public without a small flask of brandy around its neck. Notable Saint Bernards include Cujo the criminally insane and Ludwig van Beethoven, the composer.

Whippet: This breed was so loved by Devo co-founder Mark Mothersbaugh that he penned a song about it, titled “Jocko Homo.” It is best known today for its refrain “Are we not men? / No, we are beautiful dogs.”

Poodle: The poodle is banned from China for life.

Labradoodle: The labradoodle is a chimera. It pretends not to breathe fire, but it’s just an act to make humanity less uncomfortable with its existence.

Irish wolfhound

Irish wolfhound: If you see this huge breed in the wild, trace its steps back to the rainbow from which it originated and you will be granted a wish, as long as your wish falls within the category of “potatoes and potato-based products.”

Golden receiver: The breed of Air Bud and all Air Buddies, this dog is gifted with incredible athletic prowess. A loophole in the U.S. constitution allowed it to serve as the 35th vice president from 1949 to 1953.[2] “Air” Force One was named in its honor.

Boxer: It was just a nobody until it took a shot and challenged Apollo Creed.

Apollo Creed

A true American hero.

Doberman pinscher: This dog was developed by German scientists to be the ultimate “uberhund” or “super-dog,” so that no weaker dogs would dare challenge its iron-pawed rule.

Miniature pinscher: This small dog was developed by little German scientists to be the ultimate little “kleinuberhund” or “wee super-dog,” so that no weaker dogs (tiny category) would dare challenge its itty-bitty iron-pawed rule.

Newfoundland: A country.

Chihuahua: The chihuahua must weigh in at six pounds or less to meet its breed standards. However, it also craves the delicious “Mexican” delights peddled by Taco Bell every Fourthmeal, like clockwork. Like the work of a fat, Dorito-dust-covered clock. This inherent dichotomy leads to widespread bulimia among the chihuahua’s ranks.

Bloodhound: Taking the dog’s special power of keen sense of smell to new heights, the bloodhound can track the vaguest hint of a trail for miles. It also possesses deeper, subtler reserves of hate than any of its canine brothers.

kromfohrlander

Kromfohrländer: The canine harbinger of Ragnarök, the events which will kill the gods and drown the world in water.

Redbone coonhound: The greatest blues musician of all breeds, Redbone tragically died of a heroin overdose just four years and seventeen albums into its career.

Great Dane: The Great Dane is a massive beast of a dog. It counts among its number Marmaduke, who is literally a beast – of Hell; Astro and Scooby-Doo, the most eloquent of all dogs (not that that’s saying much); and Claire Danes, who – haunted by the ghost of her father the king – murdered Claudius.

Lesser Dane: Like the Great Dane, but less so.

Sucky Dane: A real bummer of a dog. A total schlemiel. Notable Sucky Danes include Marmaserf and Scooby-Poo.

bull terrier

Bull terrier: Though it was originally designed by H. R. Giger not to have any eyes at all, they were added to the bull terrier’s face when initial test screenings yielded questionnaires which frequently used the words “nightmare” and “hellborn.”

Lassie dog: The kind of dog Lassie is.

German Shepherd: The policeman of the dog world, and the police dog of man’s world. The German shepherd takes extremely well to advanced training in order to arrest suspects, search for drugs, defuse bombs, and test for semen at the crime scene. The only catch is that to instruct it, a trainer must learn a perhaps uncomfortable number of phrases from Mein Kampf.

Austrian Stockbroker: Kind of like the German shepherd, but less good with sheep and criminals and better with numbers. Arnold Schwarzenegger has owned three Austrian stockbrokers, each stronger than the last.

Papillon: Steve McQueen’s brain was cloned into a butterfly, and mankind mistook it for a dog.

bulldog

Bulldog: Completely separate from both the bull terrier, unrelated to the bull, and even distinct from the fidominotaur[3], the bulldog is just a stocky, wrinkly straight-up canine with a wicked underbite and a wickeder distrust of dental surgery. It snores.

Caucasian shepherd dog: A racist.

Pharaoh hound: The pharaoh hound can be recognized by the tattered ancient bandages trailing from it, its glowing yellow eyes, and the cortege of scarabs attending to it. Petting it is the Number 3 way of getting cursed in the world today.[4]

Dalmatian: Most firefighters won’t admit this if you ask them, but the dalmatian is the only one who knows how to drive the fire engine. Many departments keep an extra one on hand just to ride in the back so people won’t think to look for the one in the driver’s seat. But it’s there.

Weiner dog: The best dog of all, according to God’s message left on the golden plates found by Joseph Smith. Which, I mean, believe what you want, but come on. Better than the corgi?

Look at it.

Look at this mother f***er.

Final rating

Even with the extended length afforded me by this two-part extravaganza, I still haven’t had space to cover all the many facets of the dog. With this much diversity, there’s something for every one. It is truly a great animal, albeit kind of a clingy one.

 

 

9.5/10

 

 

 

[1]Disclaimer: Not an actual saint.

[2]It took the name Alben W. Barkley, but come on. “Barkley”?

[3]Half-bull, half-man, half-dog, all cop.

[4]Data from Nov. 2010- Nov. 2011.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Bald eagle

Bald eagle

Say there, boy! What day is today?

I said what’s today, fine fellow?

The Fourth of July, you say! Then I haven’t missed it! The spirits did it all in just one night! They can do whatever they like. Of course they can. Of course they can!

And hello to you, dear blog readers, on this fine Fourth of July! Bless you for reading. Fifty times, bless you! And what could I rate on this glorious day but the bald eagle.

bald eagle

Apologies to my Canadian readers, as Canadian 4th of July is celebrated in May.

Special powers

Perhaps, if you are a particularly international or ignorant reader, you wonder why the bald eagle is so appropriate for this holiday. The answer is that the bald eagle is a national symbol of the United States of America, and as such is imbued by the Constitution with a great many executive powers. It is in the top two most powerful birds in America, along with the secretary bird.

The bald eagle has incredible vision, hence the popular phrase and cinematic Avenger “Eagle Eye.”

Played by Jeremy R.

“Eagle Eye, assemble!” – Eagle Eye’s famous catchphrase

Weaknesses

This eagle is bald. In an effort to hide this fact, it has glued feathers to its head. The bald eagle was so desperate that it didn’t even stop to check if the colors matched. Though to be fair, it doesn’t own a mirror, so it would have had to go all the way to somebody else’s place to be sure.

Number of legs

Two.

Diet

The bald eagle eats all sorts of fish and small mammals and reptiles, and occasionally even smaller birds or popsicles, even if you lick it first. The bald eagle doesn’t care.

Is it a victim of ethnic cleansing?

Not entirely intentionally.

For several decades, humans just murdered the heck out of the bald eagle whenever they got a chance, due to a rumor that one of the corpses would contain front-row Skynyrd tickets. The rumor was false – spread, some say, by the California condor to take some heat off itself for the rumor that it was a living piñata ready to burst with candy at the first hint of a bullet.* Finally, hunting was curbed by the United States Congress enacting the Come On, Guys Act, which stated that come on, guys, there’s no tickets inside the bald eagle; stop shooting it already.

All those eagles did not die entirely in vain, however. Their essences were captured and transformed into the airbrushed denim jackets we so cherish today.

eagle jacket

The eagle’s greatest regret is that it can never know the freedom of movement enjoyed by motorcycle riders.

Wikipedia’s Talk Page Asks

“Please give me a Bald Eagle quote for a school speech. Thank you
David”

– David, presumably

Professions

Beyond its duties within the U.S. government (e.g. presiding over the Senate, deciding ties in boxing matches, doing flyovers of BCS games, filling in should the sitting Miss America be unable to execute the duties of her office, etc.), the bald eagle has done a number of other jobs.

For example, the bald eagle carries the prayers of many Plains Indian tribes. It serves as press secretary for the Kwakwaka’wakw people. It briefly toured with Waka Flocka Flame. It buys particular brands of cigarettes so the other people in the store will want to follow suit.

What if it fought a bear?

We’re presupposing a horribly unpatriotic bear. At any rate, the bald eagle’s got this.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

An intelligent bird! A remarkable bird! It’s a pleasure rating it. It’s twice the size of Tiny Tim!

 

9.5/10

 

 

*That one’s true.

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Secretary bird

Secretary bird

My international readers may not be aware there are four main branches of the United States government: legislative, executive, judicial, and shadow.

He is the law.

Pictured: The judicial branch.

The secretary bird is a key member of the fourth.

Special powers

The secretary bird does not possess many special powers in and of itself. Sure there’s the flight, the beak, the talons. But its greatest powers are vested in it by the authority of the United States government. These include diplomatic immunity, power over CIA, FBI, FDA, AARP and UCLA, a tunnel to Cuba, and a TV capable of airing PBS-Omega, the secret sub-channel within PBS, among other abilities which I wanted to tell you but was censored by [REDACTED].

Weaknesses

Despite its wings, the secretary bird stays primarily on the ground. It claims it’s a simple preference, but rumors indicate it’s because it’s scared of clouds.*

Pictured: A bird not flying

Pictured: A bird not flying

Number of legs

Two.

Role in the shadow government

The secretary bird reports directly to the shadow president, the highest rank in the branch, which performs numerous less public tasks than its executive counterpart.** The secretary bird’s position is roughly parallel to the entirety of the Cabinet wrapped up in one feathered individual. It is the shadow president’s closest advisor and confidante.

Over the years, it has accumulated secrets from numerous high-level officials, which it always keeps until the government officials in question are long dead. Even then, the secretary bird has only revealed these factoids to Illuminati Beat, the inner circle’s self-published ‘zine. Lucky for you, I got a hold of the first quarter 2012 issue. Here’s a few choice tidbits I managed to read before Ms. Winfrey snatched it back:

  • Jimmy Carter preferred to be called by the nickname POTUS Spunkmeyer. This informed his rap name Young Spunky P.
  • General Patton bathed in motor oil every eight months or 5,000 miles.
  • The cigarette-smoking man ate a whole tray of ashes once, just for the YouTube views.
  • Everyone assumed that shadow president Jorge Washingtron had real steel teeth, but they were just cleverly painted wooden ones.
  • Frank Sinatra mainly joined the Adjustment Bureau because he was deeply ashamed of his head tattoo of a map of Pangaea and wanted to wear the hat.

Bizarre Wikipedia Quote

“Africans sometimes call it the Devil’s Horse. As such it has often not been molested, although this is changing as traditional observances have declined.[7]

What if it fought a bear?

The Extra-Secret Service is there to make sure the secretary bird never has to worry about this.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

I don’t agree with the actions of many shadow administrations – [REDACTED] and [REDACTED]: A Tail of Two Kitties, to name two – but the secretary bird has done its job (and stomped its mouse prey) so efficiently throughout the years, I have to grudgingly give it my respect. So, I’m going to finally go with…

 

[REDACTED]/10

 

 

*The secretary bird once posted, then hastily deleted a tweet declaring cumulonimbus “tyrant of the monster-sky.”

**Dick Cheney was the only shadow president to hold the office of vice president at the same time. In something of an existential crisis, he voluntarily vacated his records from both positions upon realizing that he was a replicant with all the memories of the original Cheney.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Turkey

Turkey

On this Thanksgiving, I want to spotlight the delightful animal at the center of the holiday:

The yam.

yam

This bad boy’s getting at least an 8.5.

This bad boy’s getting at least an 8.5.

Thanksgiving fools! Everyone knows the yam is a sucky animal. It maxes out at a 2. The true subject of today’s post is the turkey. Will it surpass 2? Let’s find out.

Special powers

The turkey is, first and foremost, delicious. I guess that’s not really a power, but it is a fact.

Weaknesses

The turkey’s wattle is a big exposed hunk of flesh that may as well have “Hit Me” written on it – and on several occasions, has. In combat situations, its only move is to flap its wings frantically, which doesn’t stop attackers so much as decorate them with shiny feathers.

Number of legs

Two.

The turkey in U.S. government

Many know that Benjamin Franklin, electrical wizard, was the turkey’s greatest supporter in the debate over what animal would become America’s national emblem. What they may not know is that John Adams had to recuse himself from the discussion on account of being the turkey’s cousin.

The turkey learned its lesson from its failed campaign to represent the nation, however. Nowadays, its lobbying powers in Washington have expanded tremendously. The President even holds an annual press conference just to reaffirm that the turkey is worth keeping alive.

It should also be noted that the turkey was briefly mayor of Peoria, Illinois.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear would look very festive afterward (see Weaknesses).

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The turkey has a very mixed reputation. A turkey is a bowler term for something good, but it’s also a person term for something bad.

Black Lightning

Look at those guys. It’s hard to disagree.

Everyone gets excited about it twice a year (Thanksgiving and whenever it’s the footlong-of-the-month), but the rest of the year the turkey is a punchline. You may suspect the date to influence my decision, then. You would be wrong, sir/ma’am/decline to specify. I am not a slave to “Gregor” and his “calendar.” I am my own man. And the turkey is its own bird. But it’s not a great bird to be.

 

4.5/10

Tagged , , , , , ,