Tag Archives: Police Academy

Horse

Horse

Life ain’t all mint juleps and large hats. Believe it or not, the horse exists all year round, even on the high holy days. If people who like the horse are to be believed, it is the most important creature in the world.[1] It is certainly quite magnificent if you ignore its crazy eyes.

Special powers

The horse is a fast animal – so famous is its speed that if you look closely, you’ll find the word “horse” hidden within the word “horsepower.” The horse is a powerful animal, capable of pulling all manner of heavy objects – hence why we measure towing capacity in “horsespeed.”

But let’s get back to that impressive speed. Every single Kentucky Derby has been won by the horse, except for one year when it was won by a mysterious floating orb.[2]

Due to its above qualities and strong sense of justice, the horse frequently serves as a law enforcement officer.

HORSE LAW

HORSE LAW

It typically carries around a human assistant who can handle any speaking, writing, or hat-wearing duties.

Weaknesses

Speech. Writing. The wearing of hats.

There is a critical hole in the horse’s defenses: it can be controlled through mental communication.

Can't go wrong.

The perfect plan.

If that fails, it will do literally anything for oats.

Number of legs

Four

Phrases

The horse has been a prominent figure throughout history. The Lewis & Clark expedition, the Lincoln-Douglas debates, the invention of the telephone, the House Un-American Activities Committee hearings, and Joe Frazier and Muhammad Ali’s 1971 fight all took place with all the participants on horseback. Naturally, the horse has worked its way into many of our most enduring idioms. Below I have collected some of the most famous ones, along with their explanations:

One-horse town: Before adopting the star rating it uses today, Zagat would rate businesses on a scale of five horses. This term describes a city with a poor average Zagat rating.

Don’t put the cart before the horse: If the horse were presented with the garbage we have it pull around, it would fly into a blind rage. This phrase is comparable to “Ignorance is bliss.”

High horse: When you take the same position a marijuana-addled horse would take, you are “getting on your high horse.”

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink: The horse is a deeply responsible designated driver.

Trojan horse: If you can’t understand what your horse is saying, it may be speaking an ancient language of west Turkey.

Beating a dead horse: This is a sick thing to do. This is messed up.

A horse of a different color: Sometimes a horse will be a different color than yours and you will murder your neighbor in a jealous fury.

Straight from the horse’s mouth: Sometimes if you reach into the horse’s mouth, you will find prizes like gumballs, stuffed animals, or keys to a nnnneww caaaaaaar!

Look a gift horse in the mouth: If you check the horse’s mouth before you reach in, that’s cheating.

Hold your horse’s mouth: Horse-owners are obsessed with horse mouths.

Nightmare: A kind of female horse who enters your dreams as a psychic vampire.

This is the end of this list.

The horse in the future

Could the horse be replaced in the future by a mechanical simulacrum?

mechanical horse from 1933

Scientists say no, and stop asking so many questions and how did I get that photograph give them that right now get out of their office.

What if it fought a bear?

Unfortunately, the bear is a master of mental communication ever since it ate a psychic. The horse would quickly become its unwitting pawn. Unless of course we could engineer a horse who didn’t have an organic mind – only a computer. Perhaps such a creature would resemble a big metal bug. Yeah, now we’re onto something…

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The horse is beloved, and for good reason. Well, fairly good reason. It isn’t actually made of Heaven’s love like some horse-owner hymns say. Mainly it’s made of bones and horse-guts. But don’t let my instinct to push back against their hyperbole take away from the horse’s many good traits.

As they say in the Derby: saddle away!

 

9.5/10

 

 

[1]“Every precious horse life is worth a hundred human souls. May every beautiful horse soar to immortality on the land-wings God has granted and man has girded with iron. (One and every one!)” – famous horse-owner call and response

 

[2]“ORB IS GREAT. ORB IS GOOD. ALL HAIL ORB.” read the headline. On the next day, nobody remembered writing it.

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Mockingbird

Mockingbird

Many animals are famous for exactly one element of their personality. The mockingbird is one such animal. Everyone knows of its huge roster of uncanny impressions. But can you name anything else about the mockingbird? Its favorite things? Its foibles? Have you even read its soul-baring blog?[1] And if you only know what the mockingbird is like through Marc Maron‘s interview with it on WTF, that doesn’t count.

Photo from Vice.com

I don’t exactly know why; it just doesn’t.

Special powers

Well, you know, the mocking thing. So accurate are the mockingbird’s impressions, it was cast in the Michael Winslow role in the all-animal remake of the 1984 Hugh Wilson film “Police Academy.”[2] Unfortunately, the project fell apart when the Steve Guttenberg wolverine went berserk and mauled several key grips and the director of photography.[3]

Weaknesses

However, the mockingbird finds its talent to be a curse as well. The mockingbird would like to be known for its other comedic material, which is mostly observational, but frankly not as relatable as it seems to think (see Excerpts from the mockingbird’s standup routine).

Number of legs

Two.

Excerpts from the mockingbird’s standup routine

“Harry Potter? Are you guys reading this? Why do I gotta keep track of all these characters? Harry Potter should just be Harry Potter and let Ron Weasley and Voldemort and all these other people get their own books! Misleading title much, J.K. Rowling? That must stand for Just Kidding, ’cause you have got to be kidding me here!”

“Blondes aren’t pretty! We’re all thinking it! I’m just saying it!”

“Okay, now maybe this is just me and my skewed, off-kilter view on things. But for me? I think lava lamps should be getting smaller, not taller! Just open up my pocket and find a little lava lamp in there? You know what I’m sayin’!”

“I look around the ranch and everybody’s with their horse. We’ve all been there right? Well, I think things should go a little differently, all right? Hey, horse, here’s an idea; how about next time I put a saddle on you and ride you around for once!”

“Coffee?? I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of drinking it with a straw!”

Varieties

There are a number of different types of mockingbird. They include:

  • Brown-backed mockingbird: Known for its brown back.
  • Chalk-browed mockingbird: Known for its chalky brow.
  • White-banded mockingbird: Known for its white band (namely, Mumford and Sons).
  • Salmon-butted mockingbird: Known for its fish tramp stamp.
  • Bahama mockingbird: Can be recognized by its flamboyant patterned shirts.
  • Socorro mockingbird: A superb bowler and an even better lover.
  • Black-and-white mockingbird: An old bird which loves nothing more than elaborate ladder-based physical comedy routines.
  • Northern mockingbird: Linnaeus called this bird “Turdus polyglottos,” which ouch, man. That’s uncalled for.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear has a distinct advantage in that there’s a whole book dedicated to describing how to kill the mockingbird.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

I understand why the mockingbird wouldn’t want to be boxed into just doing impressions its whole life. But on the other hand, as you can see, its other material is not strong. Still, no reason for Linnaeus to be that rude. Nor Harper Lee to help anybody with a library card murder it.

 

 

6.5/10

 

 

 

[1]I hope not. I’m a very jealous blogsmith.

[2]I know what you’re thinking, but no, they went with the marmot for Bobcat Goldthwait’s role.

[3]In the wolverine’s defense, the D.P. was wandering around the set really distractingly.

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