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Pill bug

Pill bug

Let’s get it straight. The pill bug is no insect.

So what is this?

So what is this?

It is a land-based crustacean. While most other crustaceans live in the ocean or on the beach, the pill bug lives under a tree that fell over. That’s just poor judgment.

Special powers

The pill bug can curl up into a ball for defensive purposes and purposes of rolling around.

It can also uncurl.

It can also uncurl.

Weaknesses

Its poor judgment.

Number of legs

Fourteen.

Aliases

The pill bug is known to scientists as armadillidium vulgare. It is known in the flea circus as The Living Ball. It is known to its college friends as the potato bug, due to something crazy it did in the horticulture lab. It is known to its elementary friends as doodle bug, because young kids are bad at names. It is known as the sowbug to people who met it through a mutual acquaintance it didn’t expect to see again and gave a false name to years ago. It is known as the roly poly bug to its most intimate friends.

Other ratings of the pill bug

When asked to weigh in on the pill bug, 2016 presidential candidates had diverse opinions.

Marco Rubio: “The pill bug has been nothing but a disaster for America.”

Hillary Clinton: “I mean, maybe it’s not fun to have a pill bug. Maybe it’s more fun to have a dog or a cat. But you just have to suck it up and accept that sometimes your apartment complex doesn’t allow larger pets and it’s the most practical option. Thank you for your question, human friend.”

Rand Paul: “I don’t need the federal government coming in and telling me what is and isn’t an insect. To me, the pill bug is an insect, and if you want me to think otherwise, then get the people of America to pass a Constitutional amendment that says so. Until then, it’s my protected right.”

Jeb! Bush: “Uh, pass.”

Ted Cruz: “They are, however, cherished among children, who enjoy keeping them as pets.”[1]

Chris Christie: “On 9/11, the pill bug was nowhere to be seen. Not me, I was there when the first tower was hit right here in downtown! New! Jersey! Let me hear you! The Jerseyboys ride again!!”

Mike Huckabee: “I think we were too quick to rush to judgment about Charles Manson.”

Deez Nuts: “You know what else is roly poly?”

Bernie Sanders: “Look, it is outrageous that here, in the richest country on the planet, when 80% of species are insects, that we are calling a crustacean a bug. The bottom 2% of 31% of fallen trees, in real numbers, year over year, accounting for inflation, are home to 89% of pill bugs with on average 95% of their expected legs still attached. I don’t think it should be radical to point that out.”

Ben Carson: “You know… [unintelligible] a bug and it’s segmented [unintelligible]. I think it’s ridiculous [snoring].”

Jim Gilmore: “I am Jim Gilmore.”

Donald Trump: “The pill bug’s a loser; nobody respects it. Quite frankly, a lot of these crustaceans, they’re idiots, they’re parasites, they’re snapping people on their little butts with claws. And some, I assume, are nice. What I would do is get rid of the pill bug, get it out of here. And the second part of my plan is to solve all the problems.”

What if it fought a bear?

The pill bug can wait the bear out in a timed match, but it has no hope if it needs to get a KO.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

I’m aware I am stepping in a hot political controversy by taking a stance on the pill bug. But that’s the kind of risk I accepted when I decided to get into the animal-rating game. So get ready for a hot take…

 

 

5/10

 

 

 

 

[1]This quote turned out to be plagiarized word for word from Wikipedia.

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