Tag Archives: perfect ten

Polar bear

Polar bear

There is a proud[citation needed] history of Olympic mascots, and the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia, have continued it. While previous years have featured such animals as the sasquatch, the unblinking camera controlled by the state, and the Izzy, this year the Olympic spirit is represented by a trio of animals – the snow hare, the snow leopard, and the polar bear (considered by many to be the snowiest of the bears).

Sochi Olympics polar bear

I can just hear the John Williams music.

Special powers

The polar bear has a layer of blubber, thick coat, and dense underfur to protect it from the cold of its Arctic home. It has an extensive puffy vest collection as well, but that’s strictly for fashion.

It is one of the largest land carnivores in the world. Larger even than that huge guy you swear you saw the last two times you were at the local all-you-can-eat buffet and it’s like what’s up does he just live there or what? Unlike that guy, the polar bear is an expert swimmer.

Weaknesses

The polar bear is hooked on coke.

goes nuts for the stuff

It loves it.

Its other great weakness is the secret it holds – that it is just a brown bear that got painted white. But don’t tell anybody that, and certainly don’t tell them you heard it from me.

Number of legs

Four.

Insightful Wikipedia quote

Was it in Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back?

Yes. If you had read the Wikipedia quote, you would know that.

Favorite video game

Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back.

What if it fought a bear?

It is a bear.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

I feel bad I told you the polar bear’s secret. Please don’t blackmail it. It doesn’t deserve that. It has enough problems already, because of The Environment. Oh, and I didn’t mention this before, but it rocks a pretty sweet look.

polar bears looking good

Looking good.

 

 

10/10

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Hero shrew

Hero shrew

If you didn’t know better (and you probably don’t), you might think this is just a normal shrew:

hero shrew

WRONG.

Wrong. This is the hero shrew. Non-hero shrews draw their inspiration from this noble beast, which is their protector and paragon of shrew virtues.[1]

Special powers

Well, it is a paragon of shrew virtues. When it has the strength of its convictions, it is as strong as ten shrews plus two.

The hero shrew’s signature power, though, is its unbelievably powerful spine with lots of large, thick vertebrae, all of them interlocking.

girl look at that spine

Check it out.

The hero shrew’s go-to move is letting much larger animals stand on it, only to shrug them off, tripping and confusing them. How can this be, when the shrew is so tiny? The hero shrew’s secret is that it is the Spinefreak.

Weaknesses

Weirdly, the hero shrew is allergic to kryptonite. It’s not from Krypton or anything – not any more than my cousin Randall is from Shrimpton. It’s just a coincidence.

Number of legs

Four.

Favorite video game

WWF WrestleMania 2000.

Sister species

There is a second sort of hero shrew, only recently discovered, first described last month. Its name is Thor’s hero shrew, named for the Norse god it serves. Much as Odin sends the raven to Midgard, Thor is assisted in this realm by Thor’s hero shrew. It has less lightning at its disposal than you might guess.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear can step on it all it wants, the hero shrew shall not be moved.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

It stands for what is good and just. It battles the agents of Loki and rock trolls of all kinds. It makes a mean panini. Is it too soon to say… best shrew ever?

 

 

10/10

 

 

 

[1]Good old-fashioned shrew values include honesty, courage, foraging, sharp teeth, and sharing.

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Peacock

Peacock

I have a personal history with this week’s animal. It and I lived across the street from one another for most of my childhood. The animal in question is the peacock.

Unfortunately, my first-person insight into the peacock is fairly limited. It wasn’t a terribly forthcoming neighbor in terms of talking about itself. It would gladly talk your ear off about the weekend’s new movies and which exactly had “boffo B.O.” but it offered precious few details of its own life.[1]

Special powers

I have established earlier in this blog that psychic powers are granted those animals with third eyes. Consider then, the dozens of eyes in the peacock’s tail and you will begin to understand just how massively powerful its psionic abilities are.

the peacock has many eyes and they are ever watchful

Already it sees your mind. Aaaaand… yep. You looked too long. It owns your brain now.

In addition to being a world-class telepath, the peacock is a high-ranking film and television executive. This might not seem like much of a special power, but can YOU greenlight a Chris Pine romantic comedy just to win an argument with a coworker?[2]

The peacock’s favorite projects to produce are high concept films. Incidentally, there’s some confusion about what exactly constitutes a “high concept” movie. Allow me to explain. They’re called high concept because they’re the kind of thing a high person would come up with, like “what if a dog played basketball” or “I bet Abe Lincoln would be the best at killing vampires” or “they should totally make a sequel to Donnie Darko.”

Weaknesses

The peacock has a reputation in the entertainment industry for its projects coming in a day late and a dollar over budget. But honestly, one day and one dollar? That’s not that bad. That’s pretty easy to adjust for.

Furthermore, it has committed the sin of pride. It has three separate Instagram accounts and once spent two hours and nineteen minutes in a hall of mirrors.

Number of legs

Two. Also wings.

Peafowl terminology

Technically speaking, only a male is known as a peacock. A female is known as a peahen. A child is known as a peawee. A non-working male who exists only to reproduce is known as a peadrone. An adolescent fighter is known as a peaweight. An elder, washed up fighter is known as a peabull. One of my neighbors was known as Al.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear’s mental defenses are not particularly strong. The peacock could make the bear its puppet.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Its film record is pretty mixed. It’s awfully full of itself. And all that loud meowing seems unnecessarily mean and better left to the mockingbird. On the other hand, it is quite pretty and its psychic powers blow everyone else out of the proverbial water. CORRECTION. IT IS EXTREMELY PRETTY. UNDOUBTEDLY THE PRETTIEST OF ALL THE BIRDS. ITS MOVIES ARE BRILLIANT AND IT IS NOT THE PEACOCK’S FAULT IF AUDIENCES CAN’T APPRECIATE OBLIVION. IT WORKS REALLY HARD, HUMANS.

 

10/10

 

 

 

[1]The other main thing it liked to say was “MEEEE-YOW! MEEEE-YOW!” which I take as a slam on the cat.

[2]Both the peacock and its colleague the lion recorded their own roars for their respective studios. The investors scrapped the peacock’s, however.

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Pangolin

Pangolin

It goes by “Bangolin” in the rave scene, but its true name is the pangolin.

pangolin walking here

In salsa club, it’s known as “Tangolin.”

Special powers

The pangolin is perhaps most succinctly described as an anteater Tony Stark. Its back is covered in scaly armor. The scales are made of keratin, the same substance your fingernails are made of.[1] There’s nothing the pangolin loves more than a full body massage/pedicure at the nail salon.

This armor is made even more useful by the fact that the pangolin can roll up into a little ball. It’s the roly-poliest animal I’ve rated since the giant panda.

pangolin ball

However, the pangolin’s tongue is much longer than the panda’s.

Weaknesses

The pangolin is literally toothless. It’s not figuratively toothless; it has plenty of courage. Not that it’s extraordinarily courageous, mind you. If it were, I would have mentioned it in Special powers. I’m not slipping mentally. I’m not.

Now where was I? What animal is this? Right, the pangolin. I knew that. I… I was testing you. Anyway, the pangolin is really bad at chess. Every time, it thinks it has a brand new strategy, but all these ideas are just dumb. Most embarrassing was its “King’s Elbow” scheme, which hinged on the power of the leftmost pawn and the mobility of the king. It wouldn’t have been so bad if the pangolin hadn’t named the strategy and laminated résumés mentioning it.

Number of legs

Four.

Fun quote from my encyclopedia of animals

“Pangolins may also eat ants, although they seem to do this unintentionally.”

Diet

The pangolin prefers termites. Almost exclusively. However, like all of us, it’s not immune to a few ants slipping in there now and again. To deal with this problem, the pangolin will swallow pebbles to crush the ants in its stomach before they can survive long enough to form a society. It has also been known to swallow tiny pistols, ball-peen hammers, or ant serial killers for the same reason.

Is it a tetherball?

pangolin tetherballin' it up

The answer may surprise you. But probably not.

What if it fought a bear?

The pangolin can just curl up and ride it out.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

This little guy is pretty much awesome. It’s oddly cute; it’s unique; it’s roly-poly; it’s an animal that comes with its own friggin’ armor.

Tragically, the pangolin is the victim of humanity’s suckiest and jerkiest impulses, and in danger of disappearing forever. To find out how to help it not do that, maybe check out: http://savepangolins.org/help

Sorry to end on a bummer. I really like pangolins. Everyone should.

 

10/10

 

 

 

[1]Presumably. I don’t know your life.

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Great white shark

Great white shark

Many fear it. All respect it. Discovery Channel executives have a religio-sexual obsession with it. It is… the great white shark.

shark

Shh, here he comes!

Special powers

The great white shark can smell blood from incredible distances, allowing it to hone in on easy prey, blood banks, and vampires.* Upon finding its food/demonic victim, the great white exercises tremendous biting power – enough to chew through all kinds of phone books.

Furthermore, the shark is seemingly resistant to cancer. What now, cancer? What now?

Weaknesses

The great white shark can take on many watercraft, but not a sufficiently big boat. Even though it can destroy phone books, it can not provide motivational speeches.

Number of legs

N/A

Surfacing habits

The great white shark makes a habit of poking its head out of the water. Many assume this is out of curiosity, but it’s actually a matter of the great white being among the friendliest and most diplomatic of all sea creatures.

Really great white shark

“GUYYYYYS CAN WE BE BESTIES”

The shark and New York

I trust you are familiar with New York, The Big Easy? Most people have heard of it now, thanks to the popularity of MAD MEN, a television drama set there which tells the tale of Alfred E. Neuman (Jon Hamm) founding a hard-hitting news magazine.

Mad Magazine Men

“What – me worry?”

One of New York’s most famous avenues is Broadway, also known as the Great White Way. Perhaps you have wondered where it got that name. Well, let me tell you. Please. Stop fighting and just let me do this.

Ahem. The great white was one of Broadway’s earliest and greatest stars. It was the first marine animal to break into the world of major plays – and the last until Mandy Patinkin came along.** The theatre community was so devastated when the great white retired to return to oceanic predation/vampire-slaying, it nicknamed their most beloved street in the shark’s honor.

What if it fought a bear?

It’d tear the bear apart. The shark hates that guy.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The great white shark is a terrible and amazing beast, one of the top predators on the globe, and an ambassador to land and sky. And if you were lucky enough to see the great white on stage, you know what acting chops it has. Plus, I have to give it to anyone who stands up to cancer, who if you’ll pardon my language is a J-E-R-K.

 

10/10

 

 

*The great white is one of the most prolific slayers in the animal kingdom, after the human, the Reaper, and the stake-toothed tiger.

**You can barely even tell he has gills; Patinkin is such a chameleon on stage.

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Groundhog

Groundhog

The groundhog, like the mitten crab, is an animal of many names. These include woodchuck, land-beaver, whistle-pig, kazoo-rat, stoneweasel, weather-ram, and budget-swine.

groundhog

The groundhog’s preferred name is karmashrew666@hotmail.com.

Every culture that lives in its habitat has made up a name for it. For example, kazoo-rat is translated from the Algonquin, whistle-pig was invented by workers on the Transcontinental Railroad, and so on. What has the groundhog done to deserve so many names? Read on, friend.

Special powers

The groundhog has mastered control of the weather. Temperatures, precipitation and air pressure are all subject to the groundhog’s manipulations. Once a year, the notoriously pagan town of Punxsutawney pays tribute to the groundhog and its awesome power. The hat-wearing upper caste of Pennsylvanians submit the bare-headed workers and drones to savage games of strength and skill as part of the celebration.

Punxsutawney

“We have prepared for you a human sacrifice, o great weather-ram.”

It is not all bloodsport, however. All Groundhog’s Eve – as it is called – also features much feasting and dancing. Every year has had a wedding, except for a break of three years during the Second World War.

Weaknesses

On this day, the groundhog wrestles with its ultimate enemy – the negachuck. This monster is the groundhog’s perfect opposing force. On years when it succeeds, winter continues for six more weeks. On years when the groundhog triumphs, spring arrives early. It is said that, should the negachuck manage to kill the groundhog, the eternal All-Winter would fall on this land. Many believe a grievous but ultimately nonfatal wound to the groundhog was the cause of the First Ice Age.*

Number of legs

Four.

Online presence

The groundhog is active on Facebook, Blogspot, Flickr and Memory Alpha (the Star Trek wiki).

What if it fought a bear?

The groundhog is mighty for its size, but ultimately the bear would be simply too much for it.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

The groundhog can not be held responsible for the behavior of its Punxsutawney worshipers, but it does nothing to stop them either. Like any weather god from the more mainstream pagan pantheons, the groundhog is selfish and arrogant. Unlike them, it is not actively aggressive toward humanity.

But I’m still scared of it, and I know it reads blogs.

 

10/10

 

 

*The second, secret Ice Age was unrelated.

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