Tag Archives: observer

Monitor lizard

Monitor lizard

There is one inescapable question we must ask ourselves about the monitor lizard.

What is it here to monitor?

WHO SENT YOU

Who sent you?
(Source http://www.shutterstock.com/gallery-769606p1.html)

Special powers

It is watching. Always watching. Its motives are unknown. Is it, like Uatu, sworn not to intervene? Is it a spy, sent in advance of a malevolent force to perform reconnaissance? Is it an agent of Santa Claus?

Sometimes, in addition to watching, it will reproduce asexually.

Weaknesses

The monitor lizard complains like an old man, but it uses insufficiently old references. These are quotes it has been heard to say:

  • “In my day, our smartphones only had 2 Gs and we liked it.”

  • “I’m tired of all these Arian Grandos and Izzy Arugulas. Whatever happened to real music, like Ke$ha?”

  • “Kids nowadays don’t know how good they’ve got it. Used to be you wanted to edit a Vine, you had to do it outside the program. Now it’s all in-app.”

  • “Once upon a time, NBC was on top of the world, you know. My Name Is Earl, Celebrity Apprentice, Lipstick Jungle… They had it all.”

  • “It’s disgusting how the art of communication has been lost. AIM chats. Those were our snapchats.”

  • “I can’t go to these loud modern movies, all destroyed cities and Hans Zimmer music. It used to be, Hollywood made intelligent, restrained films, like Reindeer Games.”

  • “Now I gotta learn how to deal with Lollipop? I was just getting used to Jelly Bean!”

Number of legs

Four.

Status of tongue

Forked.

Notable relatives

It is the komodo dragon‘s kin.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear has sworn to tear out the monitor lizard’s eyes as a message. To whom and why, it will not divulge. The bear knows something.

Is it noble?

I wish I knew.

Final rating

I don’t know your game, monitor lizard. I know you’re a mild pain to be around, but I can’t help but wonder if all that kvetching isn’t an act to disguise your true purpose. I’ll crack you yet. Until I do, you remain an enigma. Say hi to the komodo dragon at Thanksgiving for me.

 

 

 

5/10

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