Tag Archives: new

Dementor wasp

Dementor wasp

I’ve said before that we here at Rate Every Animal don’t often cover current events. But sometimes there’s huge news in the animal world that can’t be ignored, and this week is one such time. A newly published report reveals 139 new species that have been discovered in the Greater Mekong region.

They include the color-changing thorny toad as well as new kinds of coral, bat, moth, and stick insect. Today, though, I’d like to talk to you about the dementor wasp.

May I have a moment of your time? (Photo: Michael Ohl/Museum für Naturkunde/WWF)

May I have a moment of your time? (Photo: Michael Ohl/Museum für Naturkunde/WWF)

The dementor wasp is named after a Harry Potter thing. I was more of an X-wing novel kid and I only ever saw the one movie where they go camping and a little bit of the one where one of the Harry Potters finds the Ryder Cup in the hedge maze from The Shining, so I don’t know much about that.

possible dementor (UNCONFIRMED)

Is it this one? Is this it?

Special powers

The dementor wasp’s favorite thing to do is sap other insects of free will, using its venom to make its prey into a “passive zombie.” That’s not my exaggeration; that’s in the words of the World Wildlife Fund.

Weaknesses

As a brand-new animal, there are still some glitches in the user interface, but most can be solved by a quick manual restart until the patch comes out.

Number of legs

Six.

Romantic ties

I heard the dementor wasp likes Karen as more than a friend.

What if it fought a bear?

We’ve only just discovered the dementor wasp. We don’t know how vulnerable the bear would be to its zombifying venom, but the last thing we need is a soulless undead bear. We must ensure they never meet.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The dementor wasp is a figurative monster. And its name is super-nerdy.[1] But it is fearsome and looks pretty cool. And hey, it’s still in beta, so we can assume its rating will only increase with time and refinement.

 

 

7/10

 

 

 

 

[1]If you disagree, why don’t you name your next child “Dementor?” …That’s what I thought.

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Lesula

Lesula

It’s not often that we at Rate Every Animal have the chance to cover breaking news. But when there’s a brand new animal out there, you need to be able to trust your favorite animal-rater to let you know just how it fares.

The mainstream media has lit up with word of this new creature discovered this month: the iPhone 5. Wait, no, that’s something else. The animal I’m thinking of is known as the lesula.

lesula

As you can see, its screen face is taller than ever.

Special powers

The lesula, like the baboon, boasts brightly colored buttocks. And I do mean boasts. The lesula will not shut up about these buttocks. Of course, it’s hard to blame it for its vanity considering even the researcher credited with finding it has remarked, “And adult males have a huge bare patch of skin in the buttocks, testicles and perianal area. It’s a brilliant blue, really pretty spectacular.” So he’s no help when it comes to deflating the lesula’s ego.

Weaknesses

Its vanity (see Special powers).

The lesula is also a tremendously poor guesser. It has never won a game of Battleship in its life. And it’s really sensitive about that fact.

Number of legs

Four.

Do I own a Beanie Baby of it?

Bizarrely, Beanie Babies for this species were discovered a decade before it was. Ty Inc. refuses to comment on the discrepancy. But I don’t have one.

What if it fought a bear?

The lesula is too timid to engage in something as aggressive as close combat. That’s why it would deploy one of its drone strikes against the bear.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

It’s worth noting its really quite creepy uncanny-valley style eyes. And honestly, why does it even have access to drones in the first place? This thing is new, and we don’t know much about it yet. It had a strong entrance onto the scene, but let’s see how it handles itself in the future. This monkey is one to watch. Those buttocks certainly seem promising.

 

 

8/10

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