Tag Archives: never sleep again

Horseshoe crab

Horseshoe crab

Of all those who purport to have legitimate claims to the crab throne, the horseshoe crab‘s pretending is the most egregious. The horseshoe crab, you see, is no crab at all.

horseshoe crab photoshoot

FRAUD

The horseshoe crab is more closely related to the spider, scorpion and xenomorph than any true crab. Still it persists in making plays to establish itself as the crab king.

Special powers

And it has the weaponry to support its campaign. The horseshoe crab’s whole body is covered in a firm leathery carapace. It can use its tail to flip itself back over when upside-down, giving it an instant advantage in BattleBot matches. The horseshoe crab isn’t technically a robot any more than it is a crab, but it hasn’t let that stop it from entering.

Weaknesses

It failed to avoid the Noid.

Number of legs

Ten.

Is its mouth somewhere weird?

Yes, in the middle of all its creepy legs.

horseshoe crab: the view from below

Sweet dreams!

What if it fought a bear?

The bear is just one beast. The horseshoe crab has an army. Oh, I’m sorry; did I not mention the army earlier? It has one.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The horseshoe crab is not crab. It’s not horseshoe. I doubt it’s of this earthly realm. I am thankful its ambitions are limited to the crab kingdom for now, but the crabs can only squabble over their oceanic throne for so long. Eventually, the horseshoe crab’s attentions could be drawn elsewhere. And when that time comes, not even flipping it over will save us.

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8/10

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Cock-of-the-rock

Cock-of-the-rock

The cock-of-the-rock isn’t a household name, not even in the silliest, most rhyme-loving of houses. You may recognize its face, however, from your nightmares:

Andean cock-of-the-rock

“I’m back…for your soul.”

There are two kinds of cock-of-the-rock: Andean and Guianan. A third species was announced in 1992, but has been delayed over and over ever since. It’s the Chinese Democracy of birds, except that actually came out. It’s the Duke Nukem Forever of birds. Well, that came out too. It’s the Detox of birds. Are we good? Is that comparison good?[1]

Special powers

The cock-of-the-rock is notable for the prominent crest on its head and the fact that its unblinking eye sees every iniquity you thought was secret.

Weaknesses

We’re still waiting for that third species, cock-of-the-rock. At least Dre has released some headphones and taken up supervillainy, you know?

Dr. Dre

Protective equipment is the only thing between him and those blinding beats.

Number of legs

Two.

Do I own a Beanie Baby of it?

Only in my worst nightmares.

Etymology

Cock-of-the-rock is, to put it lightly, a unique name. It raises so many questions, only a few of which can be voiced in polite company. No one is quite sure why the bird is so called, but its favorite band is The Darkness, so one kinda wonders if that’s connected.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear is already prone to madness; the sight of the cock-of-the-rock would send it over the edge.

Is it noble?

No.

God help us, no.

Final rating

The cock-of-the-rock has seen your sins. It has tasted your lies and found them sweet. It’s possible to avoid it, of course. All you have to do is just never sleep again.

Guianan cock-of-the-rock

Never again.

aaaaaaaahhhhh

Not even once.

 

2/10

 

 

 

[1]Yeah, we’re good.

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