Tag Archives: nerd

Dementor wasp

Dementor wasp

I’ve said before that we here at Rate Every Animal don’t often cover current events. But sometimes there’s huge news in the animal world that can’t be ignored, and this week is one such time. A newly published report reveals 139 new species that have been discovered in the Greater Mekong region.

They include the color-changing thorny toad as well as new kinds of coral, bat, moth, and stick insect. Today, though, I’d like to talk to you about the dementor wasp.

May I have a moment of your time? (Photo: Michael Ohl/Museum für Naturkunde/WWF)

May I have a moment of your time? (Photo: Michael Ohl/Museum für Naturkunde/WWF)

The dementor wasp is named after a Harry Potter thing. I was more of an X-wing novel kid and I only ever saw the one movie where they go camping and a little bit of the one where one of the Harry Potters finds the Ryder Cup in the hedge maze from The Shining, so I don’t know much about that.

possible dementor (UNCONFIRMED)

Is it this one? Is this it?

Special powers

The dementor wasp’s favorite thing to do is sap other insects of free will, using its venom to make its prey into a “passive zombie.” That’s not my exaggeration; that’s in the words of the World Wildlife Fund.

Weaknesses

As a brand-new animal, there are still some glitches in the user interface, but most can be solved by a quick manual restart until the patch comes out.

Number of legs

Six.

Romantic ties

I heard the dementor wasp likes Karen as more than a friend.

What if it fought a bear?

We’ve only just discovered the dementor wasp. We don’t know how vulnerable the bear would be to its zombifying venom, but the last thing we need is a soulless undead bear. We must ensure they never meet.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The dementor wasp is a figurative monster. And its name is super-nerdy.[1] But it is fearsome and looks pretty cool. And hey, it’s still in beta, so we can assume its rating will only increase with time and refinement.

 

 

7/10

 

 

 

 

[1]If you disagree, why don’t you name your next child “Dementor?” …That’s what I thought.

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Halibut

Halibut

San Diego Comic-Con was this past weekend, a time when our favorite corporate overlords release information about new entertainments to which we can look forward. This year, there were some juicy scoops, and I’ve got the best ones right here…

  • In the ongoing saga of Batman v. Superman, Superman filed the paperwork to countersue the Gotham vigilante.
  • We got our first look at the Dexter movie, continuing the adventures of the Showtime serial serial killer killer. In the exclusive footage, we witness the following dialogue…

CIA OPERATIVE: Dexter, we need you back – now more than ever!

DEXTER: I’m out of the game. I kill trees now, not men.

CIA OPERATIVE: This isn’t a man we’re talking about. It’s a monster.

DEXTER: Just when I thought I was a lumberjack, they pull me back in.

  • The dark, gritty live-action Grape Ape reboot is moving forward, finally handling the source material with the gravity it deserves. Michael Bay is attached to produce.
  • LEGO Entourage: The Video Game will get a downloadable expansion pack called Turtle’s Big Day.
  • In the proud tradition of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Blues Brothers 2000, Psycho II, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps, and The Rage: Carrie 2 (each everyone’s favorite in their respective series), the long-awaited sequel to Saving Private Ryan, titled Ryan: Shadow’s Legend, will at last hit the silver screen and doubtlessly be even greater than the first!
  • A man in glasses announced just some real nerdy business I didn’t understand.
  • Neil DeGrasse Tyson carefully and patiently explained over and over again that his show is non-fiction and that he didn’t need to come up with what “feels” his “character” would be experiencing. George Takei was on hand to repeat any science facts with added bacon references and Internet memes.
  • Fans rallied to demand a sixteenth season of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation in hopes of getting one step closer to the promise of “twenty-nine seasons and a movie, and the Tarantino episode doesn’t count!”
  • The new writer of the Green Lantern comic assured fans that the titular hero will be a “strong male character, as deadly as he is handsome.”
  • Mrs. Doubtfire: Origins will explore over five to nine television seasons the period before the marital problems or the Doubtfire disguise.
  • Doctor Who’s title will be corrected to its original intention, Doctor When. “It’s embarrassing that we’ve gone this long without fixing that,” admitted one producer.
  • Just in time for its fortieth anniversary, The Secret Lives of Waldo Kitty will return, exclusively on Zune.
  • After a long period being non-canon, the halibut is returning to continuity.

Let’s focus in on the last one.

Special powers

It might seem like the halibut was never gone, but that’s because its reintegration into our reality is being done as a retcon, or “retroactive con.” The story and our memories now are that it was always around, but the truth is it was tied up in rights issues for years. The halibut will be mostly unchanged from the old version.

It is still the black and white cookie of the sea, thanks to its dark top and white bottom. It can still time travel. It can still make bubbles. It is still bigger than you probably think – weighing up to hundreds of pounds.

Halibut: The black and white cookie of the sea.

Halibut: The black and white cookie of the sea.

Weaknesses

Not everything is the same, though. Some of the halibut’s more ridiculous special powers have been stripped away, in an effort to streamline the fish and make it more relatable. It no longer has super-hypnosis, phasing, the penance stare, or the ability to pull physical items out of its own thought balloons.

Number of legs

None.

Celebrity birthdays

The halibut shares a birthday with

  • Theedge, guitarist for U2
  • Gordon Darkhand, who many assume to be a twisted copy of Gordon Lightfoot, but it’s actually the other way around.
  • Colin Powell

What if it fought a bear?

Original Halibut could destroy the bear in a heartbeat. Rebooted Halibut would need eight to ten rounds to win.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

Welcome back, halibut. It’s like you never left.

 

7.5/10

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Deepwater stingray

Deepwater stingray

There are superfans. There are Supertrains. There are Supertrain superfans. And then there’s the deepwater stingray. It is the biggest Supertrain fan of them all.

stingray

Not that it’s a big pool to draw from.

Despite the burning intensity of the deepwater stingray’s devotion to Supertrain, which is roughly comparable to one thousand suns, it also makes time for other pursuits and obsessions. The deepwater stingray is, to put it lightly, a great big nerd. It buys all the comics with “Justice League” in the title, even if they’re about Vibe.[1] It watches every episode of “Defiance.” It knows intimate details about Shadowrun.

These things make the deepwater stingray happy. What upsets it? Anything in a movie it deems a plot hole. Its definition of plot hole is very broad, as one can see reading its angry online missives. Please find below an excerpt of the deepwater stingray’s objections:

“Nobody went to the bathroom in this movie. You mean to tell me they ALL held it for WEEKS? Then in this scene the main character has totally different clothes? Where’d that come from? Did he have some kind of secret room full of outfits? And another thing: the villain is established as being really smart. But then at the end, the hero is all of a sudden slightly smarter than him! Ummm, plot hole much? You’d think a film of this budget would be a LITTLE more careful!”

Special powers

Like any other stingray, the deepwater stingray has a tail with a barbed sting on the end.

I mean, that’s pretty much the main thing. It’s right there in the name.

Weaknesses

It illegally downloads albums it doesn’t even want, and has at least twice ended up with viruses it really didn’t want as a result. Plus that one time it got an NWA album where all the swears were replaced with Swedish Chef sounds.[2]

Number of legs

No.

Wikipedia Talk Page Theater

Wikipedian 1 asserts: “Stingrays are fascinating creature…”

Wikipedian 2 rebuts: “No they aren’t”

What if it fought a bear?

It would complain that it makes no sense for the bear to be underwater. In this particular case, it would be right.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Nobody loves Supertrain like the deepwater stingray loves Supertrain.

NOBODY.

 

3/10

 

 

 

[1]I’m just trying to start a beef with all the Vibe-heads out there.

[2]Actually, that was pretty borping awesome.

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Gharial

Gharial

The gharial is a strange animal indeed. It is a crocodilian, but it does not have the tough guy demeanor of most such beasts. The gharial is an awkward, soft-spoken animal, uncomfortable in its own leathery skin.

Gharial

Pictured: The gharial pretending it didn't want to go to prom anyway.

Special powers

The gharial is a Level 63 Chaotic Good Paladin with a number of magic powers. It keeps its character sheet laminated to protect it in the waterways of India.

Weaknesses

The gharial’s slender snout greatly limits the size of things it can eat/fight. If you punch the male gharial in the bulbous protuberance on the end of its snout, it must tell you its secrets.

gharial

And boy does it look punchable.

Number of legs

Four.

Diet

The gharial subsists almost entirely on Filet-o-Fishes, Mountain Dew LiveWire, and, every few months, McRibs. How it stays so slim is anyone’s guess.

Imposters

A number of extremely popular animals have inspired tribute acts. The false gharial is an oddity, as the gharial itself is a rather obscure creature to start with. One might think it would have to be especially convincing to compensate for the original’s lack of cachet, but it’s not even that good. I mean, it knows the main A-sides, but good luck getting even a slightly deep cut out of it. It is, however, a licensed reverend.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear is only a Level 8 Ranger, so the gharial doesn’t have much to worry about.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The gharial is the nerd of crocodiles. It always smells like McDonald’s. And honestly, the secrets you get from punching it aren’t that good.

 

4/10

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