Tag Archives: my cousin Randall

Roadrunner

Roadrunner

The famous musical rapper Jay-Z once said, “Allow me to reintroduce myself.” That is inevitably what I would like to do in addition as well. My name is Randall. Nathan, who usually writes this Internet site, is my older cousin. In the past I have provided guest posts as a writing exorcism so that my essays at school will be better, more improved, and get good grades.

Today, I am rating the roadrunner, which I agreed to before I knew it was another bird, which I have stated before that I do not like because they are almost always very boring. This is the roadrunner:

Remember to put a caption in

Remember to put a caption in

Special powers

The roadrunner has the fastest running speed of any bird who can also fly. I’m not a sciencetist but I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I think it means there are birds that can’t fly that are faster at running. And there are birds that can fly faster, like for example’s sake the falcon, which is cool and good. For these reasons, I believe the Loony Toons cartoons are exaggerated.

Therefore, we can conclude that it is only sometimes able to trick coyotes into suicide.

Weaknesses

It can’t fly, despite being a stupid bird.

Number of legs

Two.

Number of toes

Four on each foot, half forward-ways and half backwards.

Chief imports and exports

According to the CIA Factbook, “Your search – roadrunner – did not match any documents.”

What if it fought a bear?

No offense, but so what if it did? I don’t think we should judge it because of the principal of don’t be a hater. I think if more people were as open-minded about not judging people for getting in fights, there would be less people in detention.

Is it noble?

I don’t know.

Final rating

The roadrunner may be a bird, but it at least is different enough that I didn’t realize that when I agreed to review it. This then does beg a question if Nathan decepted me on purpose. But at any rate, I will be kinder to the roadrunner in my rating than I would to a more typical and less unique bird.

In conclusion, the roadrunner is a land of contrasts.

 

 

4.5/10

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Bluebird

Bluebird

Speaking in a manner of introduction, I’d like to say my name is Randall and I am the traditional writer of this site Nathan’s younger cousin. My mom says writing guest posts will help me get better at writing essays for school. Today I will be writing to review the bluebird.

The great musical artist Drake once said, you never know what you got ’til it’s gone. In this time of the year which is Christmas time of the year, the bluebird is gone away, which makes this the perfect time to know what we got in terms of the bluebird.

Eastern Bluebird

This is a picture of what the bluebird looks like.

Special powers

I know I did this once already, but I still do not understand these dumb categories my cousin made up for this web site. In my personal own opinion, I do not think that the bluebird has any special powers even at all. It just flies around and builds a home out of a nest.

Weaknesses

The bluebird is one of the most boring of animals, even of birds, who are usually boring animals but this is not always true also. For instance, an example is the falcon, which is totally awesome and could beat up any bluebird[1]. You can insult a bluebird and you won’t get in trouble, unlike if you do the same thing to Meaghan H. or Captain Ruffles.[2] Therefore and herewithin, according to the transition property, a bluebird is less protected than either of them and both of them are drags, so what does that tell you about the bluebird.

Number of legs

Birds don’t have legs. Wait, I guess they do actually. Never mind.

Diet

The bluebird likes to eat insects and berries. This is extremely gross, and disgusting.

What if it fought a bear?

I saw the bluebird while I was out in the woods with my dad. I asked him if we would see any bears and he said to be quiet, he was concentrating. The second time I asked he said there were no bears there. So we can draw the conclusion that the bluebird has never met a bear.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

I hope I have demonstrated in the points demonstrated above that my writing is very fine for essays in any subject, including one as lame as the bluebird. In fact, I will soon meet the word count I was asked to

 

 

This is all he wrote. I asked Randall what rating he gave the bluebird and he held up a very specific finger on each hand. I will take that to mean a

 

2/10

 

 

 

[1]It doesn’t matter if it’s a really strong bluebird because the strongest a bluebird can be is still weak compared to a falcon or John Cena.

[2]Randall’s family’s dog. – Nathan

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Hero shrew

Hero shrew

If you didn’t know better (and you probably don’t), you might think this is just a normal shrew:

hero shrew

WRONG.

Wrong. This is the hero shrew. Non-hero shrews draw their inspiration from this noble beast, which is their protector and paragon of shrew virtues.[1]

Special powers

Well, it is a paragon of shrew virtues. When it has the strength of its convictions, it is as strong as ten shrews plus two.

The hero shrew’s signature power, though, is its unbelievably powerful spine with lots of large, thick vertebrae, all of them interlocking.

girl look at that spine

Check it out.

The hero shrew’s go-to move is letting much larger animals stand on it, only to shrug them off, tripping and confusing them. How can this be, when the shrew is so tiny? The hero shrew’s secret is that it is the Spinefreak.

Weaknesses

Weirdly, the hero shrew is allergic to kryptonite. It’s not from Krypton or anything – not any more than my cousin Randall is from Shrimpton. It’s just a coincidence.

Number of legs

Four.

Favorite video game

WWF WrestleMania 2000.

Sister species

There is a second sort of hero shrew, only recently discovered, first described last month. Its name is Thor’s hero shrew, named for the Norse god it serves. Much as Odin sends the raven to Midgard, Thor is assisted in this realm by Thor’s hero shrew. It has less lightning at its disposal than you might guess.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear can step on it all it wants, the hero shrew shall not be moved.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

It stands for what is good and just. It battles the agents of Loki and rock trolls of all kinds. It makes a mean panini. Is it too soon to say… best shrew ever?

 

 

10/10

 

 

 

[1]Good old-fashioned shrew values include honesty, courage, foraging, sharp teeth, and sharing.

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Agama

Agama

My little cousin Randall needed to work on his writing and I needed to get a review of the agama written.

agama

Pictured here looking smug.

So please enjoy what he turned in:

 

Hi, my name is Randall. Today I’d like to talk to you about the agama. Urbandictionary.com defines “agama” as “Did you mean: param?” I tend to agree, enthusiastically. This essay will explain why and the reasons for why.

The agama is a lizard that looks like this:

red-headed agama

It looks this way.

I know about the agama in a direct personal experience from my own life, personally. Specifically what I mean by this is that my classmate LaTeisha[1] has an agama as a pet. This one time in class, LaTeisha told Mr. Foster “That’s what my dad said to my mom!” It was extremely hilarious. Alex’s mom said she shouldn’t have done a thing like such as that, but Mrs. Anderson laughed when we told her about it even though she pretended not to.

Special powers

The agama has very many cool colors, which is cool, for because it’s like the reptile version of human tattoos, which are the coolest thing you can put on a person’s skin. I’m gonna get one that’s a tribal symbol, because I’m like very in tune with nature as well as brotherhood. My dad won’t let me get one yet, though, so I got one on my iPod case, which is like an iPod’s skin.

Weaknesses

The agama is not a good-looking animal in terms of its attractiveness. It has a long tail, so it defiantly gets points for that. But like Beyonce is defiantly the most beautiful creature to ever walk this earth OR the moon’s, and she doesn’t have any tails at all. So I think this proves that a tail does not make an animal better looking.

Also, it does not breathe fire, and that is some bullcrap – pardon my lingo.

Gunfire

This is a cool picture I found.

Number of legs

Four.

Wikipedia article status

The agama article has been rated as “Low-importance.” Sick burn.

What if it fought a bear?

Okay, so like everybody thinks President Lincoln was just this Presidential person, but I saw in the documentary Ibrahim Lincoln the Vampire Slayer, directed by Stefan Spielberger, that he was also very much a vampire-hunter. It’s like, if Lincoln can sign the Exclamation Provocation when half the states are against it and a bunch more didn’t even know they were states yet like Colorado and Hawaii and Cuba, AND kill vampires, then I believe in my opinion that the agama can kill a bear, no offense. God bless America, and the United States in addition.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

Baby Got Back is a great song but it is also very much lyrics that are true in my life. In a conclusionary fashion, I would suggest that if Sir Mix-Em-All were writing it today, he would title it “Baby Got Agama,” which would actually be very much a better match for the anaconda. Last but not firstly, if I have calculated rightly I will be hitting my word count right about approximately now at this moment. Don’t check the margins. They’re fine.

 

8.5/10

 

 

 

[1]Who is white by the way. NOW who’s the racist simplestiltskin?[2]

[2]I don’t know what Randall means by this. I think the last part is supposed to be “simpleton.” –Nathan

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