Tag Archives: moon crimes

Ocean sunfish

Ocean sunfish

The sun has a number of avatars in the animal kingdom. The sunbear represents its heat. The sunbird represents its relationship with plants. The sundog represents its light. The sun angel battles moon criminals on its behalf. The sunflower is not an animal. The ocean sunfish represents its mass. It is the heaviest bony fish in the world at about a ton spread over its 13-foot length. Believe it or not, the sun is even bigger – a dozen times bigger, at least – but the point is the ocean sunfish is proportionally like the sun of its particular peer group.

Special powers

It’s humongous.

Though the ocean sunfish performed as a baritone with its college a cappella group, it can sing well in a range from bass all the way to tenor.

Out-of-town gigs were hard.

The ocean sunfish, pictured here with the rest of “Gleequeg.”

Weaknesses

Due to its great size, the ocean sunfish has poor speed and maneuverability.

It has a weird butt.

ocean sunfish doin its thing

Weird.

Number of legs

No.

Known aliases

  • Mola mola
  • Hank
  • _DipBoss23_

Former names of its college a cappella group, Gleequeg

  • Skull and Crosstones
  • N-TUNE
  • The Jolly Rogers
  • Lucky Charmony
  • No Strings
  • Micky Dolenz’ Locker
  • Sweater Boys
  • Gleefaring Vessel
  • Sweater Boyz

What if it fought a bear?

When any agent of the sun is in danger, its comrades will come to its aid. The bear could take one of them, but not all.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Dip is gross, sunfish. Why do you spend free time talking about it on a message board. That’s not befitting of a representative of our sun, THE GREATEST SUN IN THE UNIVERSE. WOOOO! EARTH! EARTH! EARTH! EARTH!

 

 

5.5/10

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Opossum

Opossum

Every animal has a role to play.

Well, most animals. I am excluding beasts like the loathsome tree frog. Take the giant panda. I’m really regretting giving it my number; just today it called and asked me if I wanted to “hit up the ‘gan’s for some T-bizzles!”[1] Frankly, this didn’t even make sense, given the panda’s exclusive consumption of Faygo.

But I’m getting off track. What I mean to say is that the giant panda is nature’s obnoxious juggalo. Similarly, the cow is nature’s hipster. And today’s animal is nature’s hobo – the opossum.

It travels from town to town with its busted-up top hat that looks like a broken soup can and its shoes made of broken soup cans. The opossum travels by rail, by hitchhiking, and by giant trebuchet. It even has a bindle built into its body in the form of a pouch.

Special powers

Beyond said pouch, the opossum has opposable foot-thumbs. Haven’t we all been going about our usual routine and wished we could pick something up with our foot and place it into a hands-free container? Yes. We have. Trust me on this one.

opossum

“Jealous?”

The opossum’s greatest strength comes from the moon. If you’ve ever seen the opossum at night, you’ve no doubt seen its eyes glow with moon-power. This is the time when the opossum is resistant to pit viper venom, surprisingly cunning, and as fast as a car[2]. And so, the opossum is free to commit its moon-crimes.

Also, it quickly recovers from rabies and death.

Weaknesses

Unfortunately, the opossum stone cold contracts rabies at least once a week. Worse than that, it dies frequently.

Beyond those problems, the opossum is sluggish and weak in the daylight, and its hat doesn’t do much of anything a hat should do.

Number of legs

Four.

Number of pouches

One.

Diet

The opossum eats any and all kinds of pie: Apple, raspberry, shoofly, shepherd’s, mulberry, booberry, frankenberry, oopsallberry, rhubarb, meat, pizza, pecan, key lime, vital lemon, crucial tangerine, and much more.

Horrifying Wikipedia quote

“Notably, the male opossum has a forked penis bearing twin glandes.”

Hilarious Wikipedia quote

“In an attempt to create another icon like the teddy bear, U.S. President William Howard Taft was tied to the character Billy Possum.[27][28] The character did not do well, as public perception of the opossum led to its downfall.”

What if it fought a bear?

It all depends on the position of the moon.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The opossum is many things depending on the time. Sometimes it’s dead; sometimes it’s super-powered; sometimes it’s just a train-hopping graffitiman. But it is always a pie-loving moon-criminal.

 

6/10

 

 

 

[1]“Visit the chain restaurant Logan’s Roadhouse to purchase and consume T-bone steaks

[2]Hence why they are often found on highways. Fast though the moon-powered opossum may be, it does not have the safety features of today’s automobiles.

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