Tag Archives: monkey

Red-handed tamarin

Red-handed tamarin

Because the red-handed tamarin has gold hands, it is also known as the golden-handed tamarin.

You can see why.

You can see why.

Because of its ability to turn everything it touches into gold, it is also known as the Midas tamarin.

Special powers

The red-handed tamarin turns everything it touches into gold. It is the richest, loneliest monkey.

It is an extremely nimble climber, strong jumper and wise counselor.

The locust pictured above got very good advice in the moment before it died a golden death.

The locust pictured above got very good advice in the moment before it died a golden death.

Weaknesses

It turns everything it touches into gold. You can’t eat gold. And neither can the red-handed tamarin. An unpaid intern feeds it smoothies every day to a) keep the red-handed tamarin alive and b) have more experience on her résumé. Some critics say the red-handed tamarin should just eat things with gold silverware[1], but the red-handed tamarin has blocked them all on Twitter.

Number of legs

Four.

Celebrity birthdays

The red-handed tamarin shares a birthday with…

  • Ian Craig Marsh, who convinced his bandmates in The Human League not to name themselves The Definitely Not Sentient Plants Bunch.

  • Emily Cranston, developer of the Rally’s “You Gotta Eat” campaign, which was the second draft of her original slogan pitch “It’s Better Than Starving!”

  • Spuds MacKenzie, the original party animal.

Potent quotables

“Major League is a slam dunk!” – the tamarin’s review of the 1989 film Major League

What if it fought a bear?

One touch and the red-handed tamarin has a new bear statue.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Don’t touch the red-handed tamarin.

 

 

2.5/10

 

 

[1]Goldware.

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Emperor tamarin

Emperor tamarin

Winner of the Animal Kingdom Mustache Championship four years running, the emperor tamarin is a prominent and influential figure in the animal world.[1]

emperor tamarin

It’s well-earned.

In addition to performing its duties as mustache champion, the emperor tamarin is emperor of all monkeys.

Special powers

The emperor tamarin rules over all monkeys. It is a great power. There are a lot of monkeys. And they’re good at stuff that other animals aren’t, like picking stuff up without putting them in their dang mouths.

Its mustache is immune to poison.

Weaknesses

The emperor tamarin’s dictatorship has not been without controversy. Recently declassified documents revealed that the CIA tried several times in the ’60s to depose the emperor tamarin – unsuccessfully each time. There was the attempt to slip poison into its mustache wax. There was the arming of the insurrectionist Proboscis monkey to aid in its failed coup. There was the car bomb foiled by the realization that the emperor tamarin can’t drive.

In later years, the United Nations even went so far as to request to resolve to officially condemn in writing the actions of the emperor tamarin.

Number of legs

Four.

Favorite video game

NFL Street.

Needs

According to the Jackson Zoo, the emperor tamarin “displays a need for tenderness, as in captivity they love to be stroked by hand and will actually lay on their backs in hopes of extra petting attention.” Which, like, you and me both, man.

emperor tamarin and family

You and me both.

What if it fought a bear?

The emperor tamarin fights bears all the time to prove its strength. However, those bears are actually its own guard monkeys wearing bear suits and throwing the fights. A real bear would likely prove more of a challenge.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

According to monkey propaganda, the emperor tamarin invented napkins and the Arnold Palmer.[2] They say it was born under a “super eclipse,” an astronomical phenomenon which involves the sun and moon occupying the same place in space and which has seemingly no basis in actual astronomy. Its mustache is said to deflect bullets. So far, only the last of these claims has been proven to be true.

 

8.5/10

 

 

 

 

[1]Plants don’t give a single crap.

[2]Both the drink and the golfer.

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Douroucouli

Douroucouli

They call it the night monkey.

Its true name is the douroucouli.

It is the only monkey to do its real living at night.

Special powers

Only a few non-human animals are even decent artists, much less good ones. There’s the elephant, for one. For two, there’s the douroucouli. Its drawings are really quite beautiful. Its paintings are impeccable. Its charcoal work, quite honestly, isn’t up to its usual standards, but it’s still better than mine.

douroucouli self-portrait

The douroucouli: a self-portrait.

Weaknesses

The douroucouli can be pretty condescending.

condescending douroucouli

“Oh, I’m sorry, you probably haven’t heard of this. It’s kind of a nocturnal thing.”

This trait was the basis for a failed attempt at a viral meme by user _SupertrainSet_ that would feature the douroucouli’s image accompanied by various obnoxious phrases, such as “Oh, you’ve only seen the pilot? You must be such a huuuuge Supertrain fan,” and “Uh, yeah, I guess you could say Supertrain was a flop…if you hate quality.”[1]

Number of legs

Four.

Drink of choice

Maker’s Mark, which comes with its own wax – saving the douroucouli a costly trip to the wax store!

What if it fought a bear?

Well there’s a good chance the douroucouli isn’t even awake for this fight.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The night monkey is a dope nickname.

 

8.5/10

 

 

[1]To be clear, the douroucouli has never said anything like these quotes.

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Howler monkey

Howler monkey

Everyone knows the howler monkey is nature’s hype man. Let’s be honest; human hype men have proven themselves all too fallible. Consider Spliff Star going to his sister’s wedding right when Busta Rhymes needed him most to pump up the crowd. Consider Lil Jon lowering his voice in a Quizno’s in August 2011. Consider Flavor Flav becoming obsessed with clocks and destroying the Batman.

Clock King

“Yeahhhh boyeee hostage!” – Flavor Flav, on Robin

While mankind stumbled, the howler monkey remained steadfast in its duties. When other animals of the rain forest act, the howler monkey is there to shout out reports on how awesome things are, instructions on whether to make some noise, and responses to rhetorical questions.

Special powers

The howler monkey is such a good hype man because of its natural characteristics. It is the loudest land animal. So, when it instructs everyone in here to get crunk, everyone in there hears it. And due to natural stage presence, they’re inclined to acquiesce.

Howler monkeys

Who can say no to these guys?

Weaknesses

Unlike many other primates, the howler monkey does not have any pads on its rump. I am talking no pads at all. Can you imagine what that must be like for it? Not to have those? I’m guessing just mega-rough.

Number of legs

Four, plus a prehensile tail.

Career

The howler monkey has hooked up with numerous performers. It first reached prominence in the Northern Hemisphere when Marky “Mark” Wahlberg lost the Funky Bunch to the howler monkey in an intense game of sabacc.* That collaboration was short-lived. Others include:

  • Cypress Hill
  • Beastie Boys
  • Bill Clinton
  • Jeezy
  • Weezy
  • Queasy
  • Parcheesi
  • Weezy Jefferson
  • George Lopez (Lopez Tonight, Feb. 2010-March 2010)

Horrifying Smithsonian website quote

The Smithsonian, on locating the howler monkey: “However, if you do find yourself in the rainforest and it seems that an unusually large amount of fruit is falling from above or a fine spray of urine rains down on your head, you will know you are close!”

What if it fought a bear?

The howler monkey doesn’t really participate in fights, but it does a great job promoting one.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

It can sometimes come off as a bit of a one-note supporting player in the rain forest ecology, but the role it plays is vital. Without this “town crier,” no new ideas or club bangers would gain traction. South and Central America owe the howler monkey a great debt.

On the other hand, it can get annoying to listen to. And that urine thing is messed up.

 

7.5/10

 

 

 

*For more New Kids on the Block related information, please read my mantis shrimp review.

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