Tag Archives: moleman culture

Skink

Skink

If it looks like a lizard, walks like a lizard, sounds like a lizard, and kisses like a lizard, it might be a skink.

five-lined skink

I don’t know, man.

At any rate, it is the foremost purveyor of dancing to ska music.

Special powers

The skink can ditch its tail if need be, and it doesn’t need a hundred and twenty-seven whole hours to do it.

Weaknesses

The skink can be a real stinker.

blue-tongued skink

How rude!

Also, it released a super-weak Harlem Shake video about three weeks too late.

Number of legs

Between four and zero.

Varieties

There are so very many sorts of skinks. Some of the highlights include…

Mole skink: The moleman equivalent of standard skinks.

Four-toed Earless skink: This skink has four toes and no ears.

Desert lidless skink: This desert-dwelling skink refuses to wear hats.

Gilbert’s skink: Despite the title, this skink really belongs to Derrick. Gilbert is a liar and a skink-thief.

Blotched blue-tongued skink: A brutish mook, willing to sell its talents to the highest bidder.

Mount Cooper striped lerista: Claims to have invented Tinder and been “Zuckerberged to hell.”

Fire skink: First of the elemental skinks.

Southern water skink: Another elemental skink, cool but rude.

Southern grass skink: The most reluctant and peaceful of the elemental skinks.

Ghost-type skink: It’s super effective!

Prickly skink: Don’t believe the hype. This skink is a real sweetheart underneath it all.

Florida sand skink: The Scary Spice of being the Scooby-Dum of skinks.

Chernov’s skink: Its parents pressured this skink to become a dancer, but it dreams of getting its real estate license.

Chekhov’s skink: If a skink is introduced in the first act, it will dance by the end of the third act.

Terror skink: This skink has unusual teeth which suggest that unlike most skinks, the terror skink feeds exclusively on more… substantial prey. Only one terror skink has been seen since 1876, and that sighting was in 2003. Where are the others, then? Where have they been hiding? What have they seen of us? What dark secrets of ours do they hold, and what are they waiting for?

terror skink

Maybe there’s one in that room with you right now.

Wikipedia’s Talk Page Has Had Enough Talk

“Bla Bla Bla, guys. I have a skink in my backyard, and I will take a real picture of it.”

What if it fought a bear?

If all approximately 1500 skinks fought the bear, assuming proper rest times between matches, they would go 487-1006-7.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

I fear what the terror skink has planned for us when it returns. And I have no time for its cohort’s dance stylings.

 

2/10

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Magellanic penguin

Magellanic penguin

The media likes to portray penguins in a very skewed way that perpetuates the classic stereotypes. But there is a much greater diversity among penguins than you’d be led to believe watching the all-Emperor penguin casts of March of the Penguins or F*R*I*E*N*D*S. Take for example the Magellanic penguin.

He's coming right at us

Here comes a special boy.

Unlike your average penguin, the Magellanic penguin likes to burrow into the ground for shelter, making it the moleman of the penguin world. I bet that doesn’t fit in the narrow little box you put all penguins in. Heck, the Magellanic penguin doesn’t even live in Antarctica.[1]

Special powers

The Magellanic penguin can dig burrows. It can swim. It’s great at going down.

Weaknesses

It’s just not very good at going up, given its unbirdlike lack of flight.

Also, it does a lot of unnecessary online shopping it probably shouldn’t.

Number of legs

Two.

Mating behavior

According to Wikipedia, “Magellanic Penguins mate with the same partner year after year. The male reclaims his burrow from the previous year and waits to reconnect with his female partner. The females are able to recognize their mates through their call alone.” Magellanic penguins were the number one market for ringback tones in 2012.[2]

Notable accomplishments

When it’s not hiding out in its burrow, spending time with its soulmate, or catching tasty fish, the Magellanic penguin does some telecommuting work as a script doctor. Hollywood producers once turned to it to punch up the dialogue in scenes involving a prominent Batman villain – Mr. Freeze.

sneaky sneaky sneak

Look at this guy, trying to be taller. Just wear pumps like the rest of us, bub.

Here are some examples of classic lines we all know and love from Batman & Robin that were written by the Magellanic penguin:

  • MR. FREEZE: There’s no business like snow business!
  • MR. FREEZE: Sweet dreams are made of freeze!
  • MR. FREEZE: What killed the dinosaurs? Scientists have several theories.
  • BATGIRL: Those targeting mirrors are frozen; the thawing beam won’t work.
  • MR. FREEZE: I hate the Heat Miser; he is awful. He can not treat the Snow Miser like this. I hate him with my life.
  • BRUCE WAYNE: That’s right, Dick. I want them so much I can taste it.
  • BATMAN: Autobots, roll out!
  • GOSSIP GERTY: Some men aren’t looking for anything logical, like money. They can’t be bought, bullied, reasoned, or argued with. Some men just want to watch the world freeze.
  • MR. FREEZE: Looks like I’ve struck… cold!
  • BATMAN: The difference between you and me is I’m wearin’ hockey skates!
  • MR. FREEZE: Frostbitten, ice shy!

What if it fought a bear?

Quite surprisingly, the Magellanic penguin would win handily. I can’t explain it.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

I like the Magellanic penguin. It defies the usual expectations for penguins, who already defy the usual expectations for birds. Plus, he provided some crucial edits of great scripts (and a couple stinkers, but hey, they can’t all be Batman & Robin).

 

8.5/10

 

 

 

[1]It lives in the Falkland Islands and the southest coasts of South America. It once took a cruise to Trinidad and Tobago. It liked Trinidad but had such a bad time in Tobago it swore off travel forever. It was also upset there were no burrows available to stay in on the cruise ship.

[2]Remember that hot minute in the mid-’00s when rappers got real concerned about ringtones? That seems weird in retrospect. Unrelated to the Magellanic penguin. Probably. You decide.

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Cicada

Cicada

The dictionary[1] defines “sap sucker” as “a loser or whack brother.” One such whack brother is the cicada. It loves nothing more than to latch onto a tree and just suck the sap right out of it. Well, okay, it loves one thing more, and that’s the crispety crunch of its Butterfinger, but honestly it mostly just loves the sap content in that (42%).

Even more than its sapsucking, the cicada is famous for how it sleeps underground for years at a time. Hidden there in Subterranea, waiting. Waiting for its moment… to strike.

cicada close-up

Summer is coming.

A time after it does emerge, it “moults,” by which I mean a second cicada horrifyingly bursts through the exoskeleton, instantly killing its host.

cicada begets cicada

Nobody knows how the other one gets in there.

Special powers

The cicada is one of the loudest insects in existence. Almost as loud as the gong beetle and Asian jewel airhorn.[2] If a sufficient amount of cicadas gather together, they can drown out even the most dedicated lawnmower driver or vuvuzela player.

Not only is it loud like a percussionist, the cicada has the beat-keeping ability of one. It can keep time to the trickiest of time signatures, even the really obscure ones. There are certain time signatures not even known to human composers, who lack the patience and gift for hibernation necessary to play them. I’m talking about bars that take years to complete. This is why you’ll occasionally hear reference to “cicadian rhythms.”

Weaknesses

Sleeping below the earth for years at a time has its disadvantages. The cicada misses bunches of episodes of The Simpsons. On the off chance that someone does journey beneath the crust and pass the tests of the molemen, an enemy of the cicada may be able to kill it in its slumber. Also, there’s the bad dreams.

Number of legs

Six.

Known aliases

Australians identify the cicada’s various types with names such as “cherry nose, brown baker, red eye, green grocer, green Monday, yellow Monday, whisky drinker, double drummer, and black prince.” As we learned in the kangaroo review, Australians are given far too much opportunity to give animals names.

Varieties

There are a couple particularly notable types of cicada. The annual jar fly hides below the surface not for years, but mere months – much like Bane of the League of Shadows.

Baaane!

“I will show you where I have made my home while preparing to bring justice. Then I will break you.”

Also like Bane, the annual jar fly can be filled with green beans or moonshine.

On the extreme end of the spectrum is the pharaoh cicada, which went underground in ancient times. It can be identified by the trailing bandages and stench of dust and embalming fluid. It boasts a number of magical powers and serves only the storm god Set.

Horrifying Wikipedia quote

“Female cicadas are prized for being meatier.[6]

Enemies

Somewhat predictably, the cicada does not get along with the cicada killer. It’s not quite clear what started the feud, but some theorize it had to do with the cicada killer’s name. One must admit it’s in poor taste.

What if it fought a bear?

If it’s awake, it can maybe sing the bear into submission.

If it’s asleep, it will be at an extreme underdog.[3]

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Every summer or every 17 summers or once an age, the cicada awakens and sets about being just super-loud. Not to mention every cicada killing the one in front of (outside) it. It is an untrustworthy, treacherous creature in this regard, as well as in board games. It is loyal to at best Set, at worst nothing. That may work fine for Set, but it’s an annoyance for the rest of us. And the molemen have it even worse.

 

3.5/10

 

 

 

[1]The urban one of course. Do I look like I’m wearing suspenders to you? Okay, yes, I am. Good guess. But they’re not denim.

[2]Recently popular in hip-hop songs.

[3]Underbug.

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Meerkat

Meerkat Hey meerkat, are you busy or–

oops

Oh no it’s like that shot in The Shining

Oh. Oh I’ll come back later. In the meantime, I’ll go ahead and rate you. Special powers There are many fine tunnel-diggers in the world, but the meerkat is one of the best. Its tunnels are consistently some of the nicest and most extensive in their respective neighborhoods. It has long been believed that the meerkat is a sun angel, an emissary of heaven meant to protect humanity from the moon devil and his werewolf lieutenants. The meerkat has no fat, which makes it almost thin enough for fashion modeling. Weaknesses The meerkat has no fat, yet insists on wearing shorts in the winter out of some weird stubborn pride. The meerkat’s greatest weakness is for reality shows. It actively follows a variety of them, listed here:

  • Flavor of Love
  • Duck Dynasty
  • Amish Yakuza
  • Mennonite Posse
  • Pitbulls & Parolees
  • Real Housewives of Boca Raton
  • Real Tunnelwives of Molemanopolis, the Undercity
  • Pog Kings
  • Belding Management (about Dennis Haskins, Mr. Belding from Saved by the Bell, becoming a landlord)
  • MANsplanations
  • Diner Lovin’
  • The Decisioning (contest judges’ chairs just spin and spin and spin)
  • Epileptic Caterers
  • The Real Teen Wolf
  • Felony Scavenger Hunt Miami
  • Bunk It or Junk It! (in which contestants are forced to either become roommates or watch a prized possession crushed by industrial machinery)
  • Loch Ness Spring Break
  • YOLO Academy
  • Duke of Versailles (David Siegel’s cousin Duke moves in with the family in the largest home in America, and has some crazy ideas on how to run it)
  • Grapes Ahoy (in which a woman tells a friend that their mutual friend is “overreacting” to something)
  • Mtn Dew Presents Constitutional Dewpublic
  • Stars in Danger: The High Dive
  • Val in the Family (Val Kilmer’s ex-wife lives her life)
  • Flip This Playground
  • America’s Next Great “Psych” Fan
  • LA Surgery Challenge: The Hamptons
  • Poor People Are Hilarious
  • Krill of the Hunt (centered on the humpback whale becoming a bounty hunter)
  • Spencer’s Den
  • Extreme Makeover: Chair Edition
  • How Loud Can This Musical Sting Be
  • We Three Ices (starring Ice T, Ice Cube & Vanilla Ice)
  • Salmon Bride
  • Living With Chuck (OJ Simpson’s former cellmate moves to the big city and tries to have it all while balancing his career and personal life)
  • Mr. Met: Making The Cut
  • Cupcake Assassin
  • Dance, Monkey (primates are trained to participate in dance competitions)
  • Celebrity Top Chef All-Stars
  • I Love Celebrity Top Chef All-Stars
  • Date Rape!
  • Ferrets of the Father (a priest trains ferrets to provide emotional support to the obese)
  • My Whipped Cream Masterpiece
  • Situational Awareness (The Situation’s shenanigans distract local business owners while undercover actors burn down their businesses as a prank)
  • Jenner Unleashed (Bruce Jenner reads snarky comments off cue cards about clips of the testimonies of victims of violent crime)
  • Frittata Palace
  • I Didn’t Know I Was 98% Tumor
  • Let’s Talk I Love Celebrity Top Chef All-Stars (I Love Celebrity Top Chef All-Stars recap show)
  • Flavor of Love Canada

A lot of people think that the meerkat stars in its own reality show, Meerkat Manor. However, this is a misconception. In fact, “Manor” is a soap opera in the style of Downton Abbey, which just happens to be filmed in mockumentary style. The producers claim that this is merely a device, and not meant to be taken as a literal part of the Meerkat Manor universe. Debate on the Meerkat Manor forums continue to rage. Number of legs Four. Wikipedia’s Talk Page, on Meerkat Manor “The people that filmed the show, were probably very good people.” Collective nouns A group of meerkats is known as a mob, gang, or klan. None of these terms are positive.

meerkat family photo

Dang it, Randy; you ruined another picture.

What if it fought a bear? Don’t be silly. All the cooking challenges in the world can’t prepare you for a bear fight. Is it noble? Moderately. Final rating The meerkat’s name comes from the Dutch for “more cat.” As in, “I’d like some more of that cat!” The Dutch have historically greatly enjoyed the cut of the meerkat’s jib. And I find it hard to disagree with them. It’s a pretty great animal all around, as long as you don’t have to share a television with it.     9/10

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Kingsnake

Kingsnake

I don’t know if you’ve ever pinned a snake up against a wall in an alley and demanded to know who it’s working for, but the answer is always the same: the kingsnake.

kingsnake

It runs things.

Special powers

The kingsnake rules over all snakes. The powers of all these slithering beasts are at its command.

Beyond being able to summon all manner of serpent to its aid, it has powers inherent in itself. Namely, biting and shape-shifting. (See Forms)

Weaknesses

It’s got no legs!

Number of legs

None at all.

Professions

The kingsnake is a full-time supervillain.

grey-banded kingsnake

It doesn’t matter how many legs it has. What matters is its plan.

It has been a part of many schemes to rule/destroy various nations/the planet. Most have failed, though notably it did spend quite some time as Genghis Khan’s replacement until Luke Cage restored the integrity of the timestream, as well as the $200 the kingsnake owed him.

Luke Cage

Where’s his money, honey?

The kingsnake’s lobbying has also been cited as a major reason for the appointment of Justice Hugo Black, the first “out” supervillain to serve on the U.S. Supreme Court.

Forms

What follows is a partial list of forms the kingsnake may take, for purposes of combat, deception, amusement, or vanity:

  • Florida kingsnake: The conceit of this character is that it has a “swamp persona” threatening to overtake at all times. It was funny the first couple times.
  • Baja Cape kingsnake: A much more flamboyant version of the kingsnake.
  • Mole kingsnake: This is to the kingsnake as the moleman is to man.[1]
  • Black kingsnake: The kingsnake’s most offensive impression.
  • Milk snake: This is the kingsnake’s take on the coral snake, but due to dyslexia, it’s just a little off. It was also once mistaken for a milkshake. Long story short, it inspired the creation of curly straws.
  • Coffee snake: This version of the kingsnake is baller at karaoke.
  • Scarlet kingsnake: An expert mixologist.
Image from West Texas Herpetological Society.

PRO-TIP: A fun way to remember the difference is through a mnemonic device, such as a rhyme.

What if it fought a bear?

The kingsnake has gone toe-to-toe with the likes of the Challengers of the Unknown and MI6 and lived to tell the tale; the bear should be no trouble.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The kingsnake is master of all it surveys, snakewise. Its dedication is incredible. But that dedication is primarily toward evil ends. And a bunch of the characters it does are kind of half-baked.

 

6/10

 

 

[1]If you like this joke, read it again in the salamander review! – Smilin’ Stan

 

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Salamander

Salamander

I know things have been a little weird around here lately. This has no doubt upset Rate Every Animal traditionalists, who have no room in their hearts for interviews or Huell Howsers. I certainly agree with the latter sentiment.

Fortunately, this week we are getting back to basics. Just like the great natural taste of Sierra Mist. No muss, no fuss, nothing but pure delicious mist. Or pure delicious reviews of the salamander as the case may be.

Special powers

The salamander’s abilities are many. Paranoid of its enemies choking it, it has developed back-up methods of breathing. It may breathe through lungs, gills, or its skin depending on what the situation calls for. It’s almost as versatile as a Craftsman 12-volt lithium ion multi-tool!

Speaking of skin, just underneath the salamander’s moist surface are glands which secrete a poisonous peanut butter which can be absolutely lethal depending on your allergies.

And of course, it holds dominion over the element of fire.[1]

tiger salamander

Born in flame, it knows no other way to live.

Weaknesses

Clumsiness, first off. It is constantly getting its limbs lost in horrible accidents, and is only alive today because it can regenerate body parts. I guess I should have mentioned that in Special powers.

The salamander, like anyone else, goes weak for Activia yogurt cups. Another weakness is that the salamander is not “regular.”

Number of legs

Four. The same number as in the Four For Four deal at Urby’s! Four items, each just four dollars each, only from America’s favorite off-brand roast beef franchise!

Categories

There are countless varieties of salamander. I’m talking about more options than the 2013 KIA Sorento Crossover! If you can believe it! A partial list[2] follows:

  • The marbled salamander, the most celebrated model in the salamander world. Its dark secret: It is a mole salamander![3]
  • The spectacled salamander, the most near-sighted of all salamanders.
  • The crowbarred salamander, a staunch Libertarian.
  • The axolotl, which for its treachery was banished to Mexico City. It knows what it did.
  • The rotflotl, a fun party-time dude.
  • The Chinese giant salamander, which some scientists believe is better categorized as a godzilla, to which others reply “Come on, man, godzillas are Japanese!”
  • The alpine salamander, which everyone agrees is a dracula.
  • The olm, a pale blind cave-dweller seen only when it wants to talk to you about how its expertise at the popular hobo-architect simulator Minecraft prepares it perfectly for the “zombie apocalypse.”
  • The hellbender, a mean sonuvagun who controls fire better than any of its salamander brethren.
  • The southern tribe waterbender, which loves nothing more than the fit of Wrangler jeans.
  • The mudpuppy, an offensive slur.
giant salamander

The giant salamander. And might I add: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

Wikipedia’s Talk Page Asks

“Is there any reason this page has been vandalised five times in the last 10 days? Who could have a grudge against salamanders?”

Who indeed? This sounds like a case for Rizzoli & Isles! Only their brand of hard detectivework and wacky odd-couple implied lesbianism can uncover the identity of the salamander’s Wiki-enemy.

Isles. Also, Rizzoli.

Should take about 40-odd minutes, plus commercials.

What if it fought a bear?

The salamander wins in a walk. Or a crawl as the case may be.

Is it noble?

Yes.[4]

Final rating

The salamander is a many-faceted beast. It is as complicated and dense as Step Up Revolution. Coincidentally, both are in theaters now! That’s why the floors are so sticky.

 

 

9/10

 

 

 

[1] Source: Elder, Pliny the.

[2]Of salamander types. Not Sorento options. Consult your local salamander dealer for that information.

[3]Mole salamander:Salamander::Mole man:Human

[4]This may depend on what edition you’re using. If you are unsure, ask a dungeonmaster if Crestor is right for you.

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