Tag Archives: mirror universe

Halibut

Halibut

San Diego Comic-Con was this past weekend, a time when our favorite corporate overlords release information about new entertainments to which we can look forward. This year, there were some juicy scoops, and I’ve got the best ones right here…

  • In the ongoing saga of Batman v. Superman, Superman filed the paperwork to countersue the Gotham vigilante.
  • We got our first look at the Dexter movie, continuing the adventures of the Showtime serial serial killer killer. In the exclusive footage, we witness the following dialogue…

CIA OPERATIVE: Dexter, we need you back – now more than ever!

DEXTER: I’m out of the game. I kill trees now, not men.

CIA OPERATIVE: This isn’t a man we’re talking about. It’s a monster.

DEXTER: Just when I thought I was a lumberjack, they pull me back in.

  • The dark, gritty live-action Grape Ape reboot is moving forward, finally handling the source material with the gravity it deserves. Michael Bay is attached to produce.
  • LEGO Entourage: The Video Game will get a downloadable expansion pack called Turtle’s Big Day.
  • In the proud tradition of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Blues Brothers 2000, Psycho II, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps, and The Rage: Carrie 2 (each everyone’s favorite in their respective series), the long-awaited sequel to Saving Private Ryan, titled Ryan: Shadow’s Legend, will at last hit the silver screen and doubtlessly be even greater than the first!
  • A man in glasses announced just some real nerdy business I didn’t understand.
  • Neil DeGrasse Tyson carefully and patiently explained over and over again that his show is non-fiction and that he didn’t need to come up with what “feels” his “character” would be experiencing. George Takei was on hand to repeat any science facts with added bacon references and Internet memes.
  • Fans rallied to demand a sixteenth season of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation in hopes of getting one step closer to the promise of “twenty-nine seasons and a movie, and the Tarantino episode doesn’t count!”
  • The new writer of the Green Lantern comic assured fans that the titular hero will be a “strong male character, as deadly as he is handsome.”
  • Mrs. Doubtfire: Origins will explore over five to nine television seasons the period before the marital problems or the Doubtfire disguise.
  • Doctor Who’s title will be corrected to its original intention, Doctor When. “It’s embarrassing that we’ve gone this long without fixing that,” admitted one producer.
  • Just in time for its fortieth anniversary, The Secret Lives of Waldo Kitty will return, exclusively on Zune.
  • After a long period being non-canon, the halibut is returning to continuity.

Let’s focus in on the last one.

Special powers

It might seem like the halibut was never gone, but that’s because its reintegration into our reality is being done as a retcon, or “retroactive con.” The story and our memories now are that it was always around, but the truth is it was tied up in rights issues for years. The halibut will be mostly unchanged from the old version.

It is still the black and white cookie of the sea, thanks to its dark top and white bottom. It can still time travel. It can still make bubbles. It is still bigger than you probably think – weighing up to hundreds of pounds.

Halibut: The black and white cookie of the sea.

Halibut: The black and white cookie of the sea.

Weaknesses

Not everything is the same, though. Some of the halibut’s more ridiculous special powers have been stripped away, in an effort to streamline the fish and make it more relatable. It no longer has super-hypnosis, phasing, the penance stare, or the ability to pull physical items out of its own thought balloons.

Number of legs

None.

Celebrity birthdays

The halibut shares a birthday with

  • Theedge, guitarist for U2
  • Gordon Darkhand, who many assume to be a twisted copy of Gordon Lightfoot, but it’s actually the other way around.
  • Colin Powell

What if it fought a bear?

Original Halibut could destroy the bear in a heartbeat. Rebooted Halibut would need eight to ten rounds to win.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

Welcome back, halibut. It’s like you never left.

 

7.5/10

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Hula painted frog

Hula painted frog

There isn’t always big animal news, but when there is, I’m obligated to weigh in so you know exactly how many burritos I ate while I was chasing the leads to get only the freshest journalistic insight.[1]

Well, this week there’s some real three-burrito level news: The Hula painted frog is back from the dead.

Hula painted frog

I know this is emotional. Please, take this time to collect yourselves.

Until its miraculous resurrection, the Hula painted frog was last seen alive in the 1950s. This amazing creature did what few have done before: it escaped the underworld to return triumphant to the land of the living. It’s like the Lazarus of amphibians, and not just because they’re both from the greater Israel area.

Special powers

Besides being able to break the chains of Hell itself? It hops pretty good.

Weaknesses

It is very shy. It went to exactly one dance in high school, and spent the entire time standing by the punch bowl.

Having been dead for nearly sixty years, the Hula painted frog has missed out on decades of cultural reference points. It thought The Beatles were something it could eat. It hasn’t seen a single Fast & Furious movie. It was recently booked for an appearance on the Tonight Show and expressed excitement at meeting Steve Allen.

jay leno

Ohhh, Hula painted frog. Oh no.

Number of legs

Four.

Celebrity encounters

Because of the unique circumstances of its life/death, the Hula painted frog knows better than most exactly who is suffering eternal punishment. Sure, you could correctly guess that it met Attila the Hun if you want to go obvious. But while most know that Oops! All Berries lead to a dishonorable discharge for Captain Crunch, fewer know that he was also sent to Hades for his hubris.

While there, the Hula painted frog even became part of a weekly card game with Lucky Luciano, the triceratops, a guy who parked his car across four different spots, and Vanna Black, the sinister doppelganger who co-hosts Wheel of Poverty.[2]

What if it fought a bear?

The crucial difference is that the bear is still, ultimately, afraid to die. And that is why it fails.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The Hula painted frog is still catching up on our newfangled “interstate highway system” and “actually choosing to eat pine nuts.” That will come with time. Even now, though, isn’t this an impressive enough comeback?

 

9.5/10

 

 

[1]In this case, three.

[2]I know; I thought that title was a missed opportunity too.

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Goliath beetle

Goliath beetle

When people see the Goliath beetle and hear that it’s called the “Goliath beetle,” they usually assume it is named after famous Biblical figure Goliath Beetle, on account of both the beetle and the man having above-average size. They are partly right. The beetle is named after Goliath, but the size is coincidental. The connection is that both love(d) to fight.

Goliath

Goliath was one of the Bible’s most popular “heels,” after only Death, Satan, and Vince McMahon.

Special powers

In the violent, corrupt, convoluted world of insect fighting, the Goliath beetle has a few advantages. It of course uses its impressive size. It also has a two-pronged horn over its head which it can use as a crude weapon (or to open a bottle of its favorite drink, Orange Crush). And let’s not forget its signature finishing move, the Six-leg Slam-bang.

Weaknesses

Primarily slingshots and the hand of God.

It should also be noted that the Goliath beetle requires much more protein than other insects. If it doesn’t get its protein in the morning, don’t even try talking to it.

Number of legs

Six.

Professional relationships

The Goliath beetle has many rivals in the professional fighting world. It was great friends with Andre the Giant, for obvious reasons. Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat was its ally at first, until they split over creative differences.[1]

goliath beetle

Hard to work with?

The rhinoceros beetle loathes the Goliath beetle more than it loves its own family. Every match the Goliath beetle has with Manny Pacquiao is highly hyped, although the most recent one ended in considerable controversy when it turned into a game of Chinese checkers midway through. And like many noble fighters, the Goliath beetle has butted heads with Coldstone Austin Steve, the nemesis doppelganger and ice cream magnate.

What if it fought a bear?

Now that would be a heck of a bout. Vegas oddsmakers place the Goliath beetle at -200. Not bad.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

I don’t really go for all that blood sport, but if you’re going to be into it, you can do worse for a favorite participant than the Goliath beetle. Up until he fights Dennis the Menace or something.

Dennis (the menace to be specific)

Don’t be a Dennis.

 

7.5/10

 

 

 

[1]Steamboat wanted to jump from the ropes a lot; the Goliath beetle wanted to jump from the ropes even more.

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Kangaroo

Kangaroo

There is much to unravel with the kangaroo. To get at all the secrets its pouch conceals, we will have to go deep into the subject.

Captain Kangaroo

Captain Kangaroo

Captain Kangaroo

WE HAVE TO GO DEEPER

Captain Kangaroo

I N C A P T A I N

The kangaroo got its start with the kangaroo rat in the mean streets of London. There the two of them ran cons masterminded by the kangaroo rat, with the kangaroo acting largely as muscle. One of their favorites was to enter the kangaroo in boxing matches, only to manipulate the outcome through cheating or taking a fall. Honestly, though, the fact that any Londoner wanted to punch a kangaroo speaks ill of them.

Eventually, Scotland Yard got wise to one of the duo’s more elaborate schemes and arrested them. The plan called for them to ransom Big Ben’s hour hand, so it was probably doomed from the start. The kangaroo rat had started to sample hard drugs at that stage, and its masterminding was beginning to suffer.

And so, the kangaroo was exiled to Australia, where it found itself quite at home among fellow criminals and road warriors. In modern times, it is considered a pest by most, but it’s still on good terms with the road warriors.

Special powers

The kangaroo is an excellent boxer. Its special feet allow it to jump at great speeds and for long distances without tiring. Its pouch hides a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, which would blow your head clean off.

Weaknesses

It is not the sharpest. It went along with all the kangaroo rat’s plans, even the drug-addled, obviously dumb ones. This ties into another weakness it has: the inability to tell right from wrong.

Kangaroo

“Duhhhh, what’s morality?” That’s what you sound like, dummy.

Number of legs

Two, kind of. Kind of four. If three, your kangaroo may be injured.

Libelous statement on Wikipedia’s talk page

“This is an ancient system that can also be seen in reptiles today (evidently the kangaroo was to lazy to evolve out of it). Hitthat (talk) 21:09, 5 March 2010 (UTC)”

Spectral presence

People have been perplexed for years by the appearances of the phantom kangaroo, a marsupial apparition which sometimes bounces through this mortal plane. How can this ghastly thing exist while the kangaroo is alive and well?

The answer is still not completely confirmed, but the phantom kangaroo’s distinctive scar on its left eye seems to indicate that it comes from the future or some kind of parallel universe.

Known aliases

According to Wikipedia, “Kangaroos are often colloquially referred to as roos. Male kangaroos are called bucks, boomers, jacks, or old men; females are does, flyers, or jills, and the young ones are joeys.

In other news, Australians have a lot of time on their hands for talking about kangaroos.

What if it fought a bear?

Assuming there’s no money in losing, the kangaroo would win.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

I am a harsh but fair judge… unlike the kangaroo court, the kangaroo’s failed attempt to fashion a working tribunal to execute the kangaroo’s will under the guise of justice in the lawless Outback.

The kangaroo is very charming. I’d love to give it a higher rating. But it has made too many poor decisions, and understood none of them. Have fun with the drifting biker gangs, kangaroo, but keep your criminal ways out of my society.

 

4/10

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Black panther

Black panther

Do you know Adam Baldwin?*

Adam Baldwin

Rate Every Animal Mother

More specifically, do you know that Adam is not a “regular-universe” Baldwin? He hails from an Earth that vibrates at a slightly different frequency, where the other Baldwins rule the globe as the Crime Syndicate. He was not the first to cross over into our plane, however. Before him came the black panther.

The black panther has confused scientists for years, because it appears to be a genetic match for the leopard, but while it isn’t a different species in the traditional sense, it does hail from a different universe. The study of alternate realities is still a young science**, so you’ll find that many so-called experts continue to claim this creature as nothing more than a morph of its Earth-Prime counterpart.

Special powers

The black panther obviously can hide very well in the shadows… and feel very much at home, given that it is a shadow of a sort itself. It also has all the standard class attributes of any other big cat (teeth, claws, et. al.).

Weaknesses

The heart is located on the black panther’s right side rather than left, making things awkward whenever it hears the national anthem.

black panther

It doesn't recognize your non-Baldwin nation-states anyway.

Number of legs

Four.

Political connections

As you’re reading this, sitting comfortably on your personal airship,*** sailing comfortably through skies that are not constantly patrolled by the Crime Syndicate’s hunter drones, you may be thinking: “The black panther is a founder of the leftist organization of the same name, right?”

Well, admiral, I hope this error of assumption will make a dent in your hubris – perhaps even enough for you to stop insisting that people call you admiral. In fact, the animal the black panther has nothing to do with the Black Panther Party other than posing for its emblem as a personal favor to Huey P. Newton.

Fierceness factor

It’s already high from having the traits of the leopard, and the super-cool black coat only increases it.

What if it fought a bear?

That depends if it’s the Earth-Two bear or the Bear-Prime.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The black panther, unlike Adam Baldwin, is generally a supporter of the Crime Syndicate’s authority. However, it is also a firm believer in honor and fair play. Not to mention good fashion sense, given how slick it looks.

 

8.5/10

 

 

 

*He is the only American to have served in the Revolutionary War, Vietnam War, Chocolate War, and Poseidon Adventure.

**Currently spearheaded by the research of Dr. John “Fringey” Noble.

***Attention potential sponsors; my blog audience skews rich/eccentric.

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