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Elephant seal

Elephant seal

Who is king of the beach? Is it the bully who kicks sand in the nerd’s face in the Charles Atlas ads? Is it the nerd in the last panel once he’s bought the Charles Atlas book and now looks basically indistinguishable from the bully? Is it seagulls?

For many a beach, the answer is the elephant seal.

Hail to the chief.

Hail to the chief.

Special powers

The milk of the elephant seal is hyper-fatty. Like three to five times fattier than half-and-half. You know what else is fatty? Bacon. You love bacon, right, internet? Maybe you should make some t-shirts with elephant seal milk mashed up with Star Wars on them. Maybe Lando has a glass of it and he has a milk mustache on top of his human hair mustache. I don’t know. I’m just brainstorming here.

Anyway, the elephant seal is just jam-packed with blood. You won’t believe how much blood fits in this bad boy.


Due to the name it has been given, the elephant seal is very self-conscious about the size of its ears. It’s so worried about this that the elephant seal doesn’t even realize that it doesn’t have any ears. Body dysmorphia isn’t logical, folks. Be kind to each other. Don’t name each other after the elephant.

Number of legs

Do the flippers count?

How does it solve its problems?

The elephant seal solves its disputes through violence. Specifically, it employs an ancient fighting style which focuses on headbutts, body slams, and battle snores.

What if it fought a bear?

The elephant seal gets a lot of mileage out of its great size advantage, which is not so much a factor against the bear. It would not adjust its tactics well enough to face such a battle, and so lose.

Is it noble?




Final rating

It’s truly unfortunate that the elephant seal’s insecurities express themselves through angry conflicts and gross snorts. This big sack o’ blood is just a few months of therapy from being a worthy beach king.




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