Tag Archives: military usage

Elephant

Elephant

You forgot to vote this week. Yeah, that was this week. You missed out on a totally free sticker. The elephant is disappointed in you.

So it says

It’s not mad.

The elephant is highly invested in the political process. Political cartoonists and logo designers have used it as a symbol of the United States Republican Party, but its actual views are much more diverse. It has cycled through a number of third parties in search of one that fully captures its unique opinions. To this end, it has been involved in the Bull Moose Party, the Hen Buffalo Party, the Brunch Party, the Plutocrats, the Aristocats, M.O.P., #TeamBreezy, the Baseball Furies, a group of hobos led by Brother Soupcon, and the Super Sweet Sixteen Party. It is currently registered as an Independent.

Special powers

Every study about the elephant is about its gentle artist’s soul and how emotionally supportive it is. The elephant went to therapy and learned to paint, so now it thinks it knows everything about relationships. Do not ask the elephant for advice. It might be pretty good, but it’s not worth the tone.

The elephant has a trunk capable of taking in and spraying out water. It can also be used to grab things and play pranks on Kate Capshaw or anyone within one standard deviation of Kate Capshaw.

The elephant has tusks, which are oversized incisor teeth, and don’t you feel less comfortable about them now?

It can sleep standing up or lying down, so it’s got options.

it can be hard to get comfortable

Maybe too many options.

Weaknesses

The elephant is susceptible to floppy trunk syndrome, one of the most adorably named forms of paralysis of all time.

Number of legs

Four

Other ratings of the elephant

“The elephant SAYS it’s working for regular pachyderms. But the TRUTH is it’s in the INCREDIBLY LARGE POCKET of BIG PEANUT.” – anti-elephant attack ad, paid for by a series of nested shell corporations

“Loser loser, chicken dinner. The elephant is both ON the hook and ON the chain.” – Guy Fieri

“Is the elephant good? Yes! But is it elite? Without a championship on its resume, I don’t think I can say it is.” – Jay Bilas

“The female has a well-developed clitoris at up to 40 cm (16 in).” – Wikipedia

What’s its astrological sign?

Cappadonna.

Military usage

The elephant was used for wars because it was “nature’s tank, which is a comparison we will understand once the tank is invented.”

What if it fought a bear?

Well, have you ever heard a song called “War Bear?” Would you like to? Here’s my demo tape. But to answer the question at hand, elephant wins.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The elephant may not have found a political identity that fits it yet, but there’s no need to put its stances in a box. What would you even do with the box once you had it? Commit an Operation Dumbo Drop? No one wants that. What we should want is to spend some time in the company of the sweet-natured elephant.

It kind of is in the pocket of Big Peanut though.

 

 

8/10

Thanks for coming

Bye now!

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Mexican free-tailed bat

Mexican free-tailed bat

Today’s animal has a tail that demands to be free. From south of the border, it’s the Mexican free-tailed bat.

Mexican free-tailed bat

Myxican batiful dark twistailed freetasy.

Special powers

There can be millions of these things in just one cave. Think about that in your nightmares tonight, people who fear bats and/or large numbers!

The Mexican free-tailed bat is an expert at echolocation, which allows it to effortlessly find its way to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

Weaknesses

It loves to hang out in flammable spots.

Unlike certain other bats, it is not a dracula. While I applaud it for that, this means it doesn’t share in any of the special powers and benefits associated with being a dracula.

Number of legs

Two. Plus those wings though.

Military usage

During World War II, the United States army developed the bat bomb, which involved strapping bombs to bats and dropping them over enemy cities to flap their way into all the most flammable nooks and crannies. After the army accidentally set their own base on fire working on it, the research was transferred to the Navy under the name Project X-Ray. This was a clever codename, as the project to give a bat soldier X-ray-vision had a completely unrelated name (Project Burn Down Our Own Bases). The project was scrapped when America sobered up and remembered that it was literally the idea of Eleanor Roosevelt’s dentist friend.

Japan had its own program to rival America’s research by strapping bombs to their own native animal, the balloon.

balloon bomb

It’s tragic to see such a noble creature used to perpetuate violence.

Hobbies

Playing clarinet, sudoku, street racing, semi-professional Parcheesi.

#Relatable Wikipedia quote

“Mating can occur in an aggressive or passive form.”

What if it fought a bear?

The result depends on if the Mexican free-tailed bat is aggressive or passive that day.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

You maniacs. You blew it up. All because a dentist said you should. The Mexican free-tailed bat deserves better.

 

 

8.5/10

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Rock pigeon

Rock pigeon

I have expressed my affection for this animal as a medium of communication. Today I will examine the rock pigeon as a whole animal. To start, please do not be confused by the name “rock pigeon.” You can feel safe knowing that this is the most common pigeon you think of when you picture a pigeon.

Not a pigeon

Unless your mental image looks like this.

The rock pigeon is named as such for the same reason as the rock lobster: a deep and abiding passion for electric guitars.

Special powers

The pigeon’s principal strength is its homing ability. The pigeon can find its way to and from nearly any location without getting lost. It is naturally in tune with the magnetic poles and the heavenly bodies. You may not know that every Garmin GPS contains a pigeon soul. TomToms contain salmon spirits, which is why they come with “Home” preset as their stream of origin.

Humans have co-opted this skill to deliver messages. Approximately a hundred years ago, the first game of chess by pigeon was played. A number of chess by pigeon leagues have been established in North America and Europe, but intercontinental games proved uniformly disastrous.

Weaknesses

The pigeon eats garbage. I don’t know how much time you’ve spent subsisting on nothing but garbage (for most people it’s no more than a couple days), but you get very few solid nutrients to strengthen you.

Number of legs

Two.

Military usage

The pigeon’s homing ability has been put to use in wartime throughout history. In the Franco-Prussian War, for example, residents of Paris could only get messages out past enemy lines via their pet pigeons.* The surrounding Germans caught on, however, and dispatched hawks to eat the pigeons and gain their knowledge. The hawks returned with vital intelligence that allowed the Germans to fully overtake the city. So, more of a win for the hawk than the pigeon really.

The war pigeon has not always been a losing prospect, though! Numerous pigeons served in both World Wars, receiving many accolades, including:

  • Croix du guerre

  • Dickin Medal

  • Aerial Achievement Medal

  • Newberry Medal

  • Pulitzer Prize for Public Service

  • Pulitzer Prize for Secret Service

  • Personal Fitness Merit Badge

  • Russell Casse Commendation For Personal Sacrifice While Yelling

  • Purple Heart

  • Purple Lung

  • Jethro Tull Memorial Aqualung

  • Source Award For Bravery (tied with Common)

Impact of bodily fluids on approachability

The pigeon does not have a gall bladder. Medieval physicians believed a lack of gall (one of the four humours along with blood, bile, phlegm, and Faygo) gave the pigeon and dove their friendly dispositions. Today we know humorism to be helpful only to those whose bile actually does manifest in elemental forces. It’s not the missing gall that affects the Columbidae family’s countenance; it’s their childhood diet of crop milk. When you do find a bar that’s willing to serve pigeon milk, it’s usually in small quantities in a “V.I.P.” area or backroom, but if you have been so fortunate, you’ll know that just one Collins glass of crop milk will have you making best friends with strangers in the park.**

Fancy pigeon

This is just a pigeon putting on airs. It can be distinguished by clear-lens glasses, an affected accent, and talking your ear off about Bergman even though it becomes clear after a couple minutes that it’s only seen a longish YouTube clip of “The Seventh Seal” that was presented in film class.

What if it fought a bear?

The pigeon would barely get out “Hi, how are ya!” before the bear reduced it to feathers.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The pigeon gets points for its carrier status and nice personality, but it also receives demerits for being a pesky garbage-eater. Also beware of pigeon lung, which you may be horrified to learn is a real thing.

 

8/10

 

 

*Each citizen had been issued a pigeon as part of an ill-advised social service program.

**And likely eating seed out of their hands.

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Hamster

Hamster

Dialing back from the exotic and obscure, we turn today to the domesticated and common. And what is more uninspiring a pet than the hamster?

Special powers

The hamster is an accomplished escape artist. Does this surprise you? It shouldn’t. Think of every hamster story – okay, think of both hamster stories you’ve heard. They both involve the hamster in question getting free from whatever had been constraining it.

hamster outdoors

This hamster was convicted of double homicide.

The hamster put this preternatural ability to good use in the Second World War after being captured by the Nazis. The classic sitcom “Hogan’s Heroes” was originally titled “Hogan’s Hamtaros” before being retooled by anti-hamster CBS executives. The more hamster-friendly heads of ABC were turned off by the idea of a sitcom being set in a Nazi war camp. NBC, meanwhile, was preoccupied with the development of the similarly conceived but ultimately doomed “The Wackiest Ship in the Army”* which featured a cast made entirely of ferrets.

Weaknesses

When it’s not escaping confinement, the hamster basically doesn’t do anything. Beyond that, its bowels are horribly weak. Seriously, try startling the hamster, but make sure it’s not standing on your good rug when you do.

Number of legs

Four.

Infrastructure

The hamster is one of the rare animals to utilize its own travel infrastructure. In the 1950s, U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower authorized the creation of a nation-spanning series of plastic tubes for the cross-country transport of hamsters. Because the tubes connect through wrinkles in space-time, the system grew beyond Eisenhower’s authority and now covers the globe. You’ve likely seen very small parts of it, perhaps through the glass of some terrarium, but no human eye can understand all seven of its dimensions.

hamster tubes

One of these leads to Space Egypt.

What if it fought a bear?

The hamster was trained by Special Forces. It knows three ways to kill the bear from here right now.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

The hamster is technically a war hero, I guess. But man it’s just so dull. Thanks to Ike, this thing basically has the mobility of a Time Lord, and what does it do with that? Collect unusual postcards. Really, dude?

 

5.5/10

 

 

*How it didn’t get renewed is a mystery to me; this video clip is a laugh riot! And the ferrets are very convincing!

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Pig

Pig

It’s said that the pig is a dirty animal but you may be surprised to learn that in fact it wallows in filth. It’s true; ask any swineherd. It’s a stubby, fat creature that takes in garbage and turns it into pork chops.

A future tenderloin dreams.

Special powers

The pig has a special relationship with the truffle, a fungus that some people actually eat. It can seek out these mushrooms by smell, which makes it perfectly suited to ruin fancy truffle parties.

It is also particularly prone to exhibiting the X-gene (see Notable mutant pigs) and has military applications (see Military usage).

Weaknesses

Its four short legs.

Number of legs

Four.

Military usage

In order to counter the use of war elephants and war truffles, the Roman Empire began drafting and training war pigs. These creatures would run into the enemy ranks to alarm and disrupt the elephants and devour the truffles. It was honestly a real hoot from the pig’s perspective. Ancient history buffs Black Sabbath immortalized the practice in song.

War pigs fell out of vogue when the measures they were meant to counter did. However, centuries later, they became central in a very different conflict. The Pig War was a tense period in 1859 in which the United States and Britain disagreed over the ownership of San Juan Island, which sits between Canada and the state of Washington. Both sides dispatched pig forces to the island, but they mostly just played with each other and rooted around in the mud. To this day, San Juan is inhabited and governed by the pig.

Notable mutant pigs

King Neptune was a pig born with an active X-gene, who regenerated entire body parts when they were removed. In the 1940s, King Neptune* was taken on tour around the state of Illinois and auctioned off piecemeal over and over, growing back between events whatever had been sold, all to raise money for the Navy.

Hogzilla was a feral boar so named because he resembled a bipedal dinosaur, had the power of atomic breath, and hated scale models of Tokyo.

Toby the Sapient Pig was one of the Learned Pigs, a high-functioning porcine with the ability to reason. Toby could solve problems of arithmetic. Toby could tell the hour of the day regardless of the sun’s visibility. Toby could best both poor and average checkers players. Toby could spell nearly any English word, many Latin phrases, and exactly one German one (“Rache”). The claims that Toby could read women’s minds were a bit of charlatanry on the part of his owners.

If he’s psychic, where’s his third eye? Dummies.

Ace, great-grandson of Babe.

Wilbur was a runt who dissociated from reality in the trauma of imminent slaughter, and created a second personality known as “Charlotte.” He was spared, but lived the rest of his life completely mad. Also, he had spinnerets.

This week in Wikipedia quotes in which Rupert Grint is a taste-maker

Miniature pigs, also “called micro or teacup pigs, which are specifically bred to be small (from 29–65 lbs) gained in popularity in late 2009 after several mainstream press articles claimed they were a popular pet to celebrities such as Rupert Grint of Harry Potter fame.[16]

What if it fought a bear?

The pig in question fighting a bear is the process that distinguishes “apple-smoked” bacon.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The pig is a disgusting animal, but we can learn some very valuable lessons from it. Not only that, we can cut some very valuable cutlets out of it. Man am I hungry.

 

9/10

 

 

 

*Not actual royalty.

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Toucan

Toucan

I did not expect to find myself here so soon.

The aardvark was an obvious choice for the first post of my animal-review site. Some would say “too obvious.” Some would say it is a classic choice. Some are mute and would communicate via sign language.

Regardless, I now find myself on just the second post of this blog entering into the world of the birds. Birds are distinguished by the ability to soar through the air, as I believe that man someday will through the assistance of machines. This means that the class boasts such members as robins, eagles, bats, penguins wearing jetpacks, great tits and Hawkman.

Hawkman

Isn’t nature beautiful?

This particular bird, the toucan, is notable as a connoisseur of breakfast and as the owner of a colorful bill. The latter characteristic is a very shallow metric by which to judge an animal, and I will do my best to ignore it.

Toucan

An attention-seeker.

Instead, allow me to expound on the breakfast issue. It is well-known that most animals give little regard to breakfast, which is why so few of them succeed in standardized testing or sporting events. The toucan, however, knows well the benefits of breakfast and seeks out only the finest fruits and cereals for itself every morning. This is why Kellogg’s brand Froot Loops chose the toucan as its mascot. Ironically, Froot Loops would never be deemed suitable for a true toucan breakfast.

(Since his introduction, Toucan Sam – named after famous fictional smell-investigator Sam Spade – has been shown to have a number of young nephews, in the pattern of perennial bachelors Donald Duck, Scrooge McDuck and Scooby-Doo. Whose children are these? Where are the parents? Why do they spend so much time with their uncles? I will further investigate the issue in my Duck post.)

Special powers

Like every animal with a large nose or visual equivalent, the toucan has a strong sense of smell. It has also mastered flight and extended-family relations. The toucan can, in times of desperation, drop heavy fruits from above its enemies to crush them. Fortunately for the people of Central and South America, the toucan’s love of fruit far outpaces its capacity for hate.

Also, its bill is beautiful.

Weaknesses

The toucan’s love of fruit far outpaces its capacity for hate.

Number of legs

Two, plus two wings.

Situational awareness

The toucan has extremely good situational awareness. United States armed forces briefly contemplated using the toucan as a spotter for its snipers in World War II. Ultimately the project was scrapped, but post-war Nazi-hunters have been known to enlist the toucan’s aid since so much Nazi-hunting takes place in South America where the toucan is plentiful and the fruit comes easy.

What if it fought a bear?

The toucan would only fight against a bear if the bear had really pushed it to the edge emotionally. As bears are not known for psychological warfare, the toucan does not stand a chance

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

I am not a bird apologist, and I am suspicious of Toucan Sam’s surplus of nephews. But dang that is a beautiful bill.

 

8.5/10

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