Tag Archives: meteors

Dragonfly

Dragonfly

I’ve already addressed one non-dragon “dragon.” Today I write about another: the dragonfly.

pink dragonfly

This one DOES have wings, but doesn’t give a friggin’ dang about gold.

The dragonfly isn’t always a beautiful pink beast of the air. It begins life emerging from an egg, which is really biting Lady Gaga’s style, but her team[1] hasn’t been litigious about it. At this point, the dragonfly is just a nymph, a larval stage which floats about and fires its nightmarish hydraulic jaw into unsuspecting victims at range. Eventually, when it has killed the last teen camper in the pond, the nymph leaves the water and allows its dragonfly self to crack out of its shell. At this point, it must inflate its wings at the nearest tire shop. Only then is the dragonfly truly an adult. Only then can it wait seven more years to be able to rent a car.

Special powers

Well, there’s that crazy projectile monster jaw as a nypmh. As an adult, the dragonfly boasts large[2] compound eyes with as many as 30,000 lenses and dozens of in-eye image-altering tools and filters. Its perhaps most impressive accomplishment is the ability to fly any direction, including backwards. It can even just hover in place if it likes. I won’t pretend I’m not jealous.

Another fascinating power the dragonfly has is its resistance to cosmic threats.

dragonfly in rain

The dragonfly enduring a harsh meteor storm.

Weaknesses

The dragonfly’s complicated eyes prevent it from enjoying 3-D movies and video games, but it already bought all the equipment. This is what happens when you get shop online late at night, people.

Number of legs

Six.

Horrifying Wikipedia quote

“They breathe through gills in their rectum, and can rapidly propel themselves by suddenly expelling water through the anus.”

Differences from the damselfly

The dragonfly is different from the damselfly. The damselfly is smaller & holds its wings at rest together alongside body as opposed to the dragonfly, whose idle wing strategy can be better described as “letting it all hang out.”

Unsolved mysteries

The obelisk posture is a handstand the dragonfly does on sunny hot days. Scientists and religious leaders wonder: Is it a martial art? Is it a yoga? Is it true that one day when every dragonfly strikes the pose at once, the sky will crack open and phase two in the grand scheme of the dragonfly will be loosed upon our world?

What if it fought a bear?

The devil uses dragonflies to weigh souls. The bear’s soul is not particularly strong, but the dragonfly is uninterested in doing anything but getting a measurement. We’ll call this one a draw.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

In the American South, the dragonfly is called the snake doctor. It is rumored to float around, mending the snake’s wounds. This is not a role the dragonfly plays in real life, although it is an essentially accurate description of the two animals’ relationship in their role-playing campaign.

I’m certainly concerned about the young dragonfly’s horrifying and possibly sinister obelisk worship. But I think this anecdote about the dragonfly’s gaming selflessness illustrate that the dragonfly does have other sides to its personality.

The dragonfly: It’s nature’s helicopter.

 

6.5/10

 

 

 

[1]Feinman, Stiles & Monsterbot, Attorneys at Law.

[2]I mean, relatively. It’s still bug-sized, you know?

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Sparrow

Sparrow

“His eye is on the sparrow,” goes the old hymn. “His” of course refers to God. God is watching you, sparrow.

"I SEE YOU"

A little like this, but good instead of evil.

He’s watching you closely, and so am I. It’s the Holy Father’s place to judge, but it is my place to rate. So let’s get to it.

Special powers

The sparrow is a very standard issue bird. It doesn’t have much going for it specifically, but it does enjoy the privileges that all birds do. These include flight and an immunity to meteors.

“Whaaat!” you may scream indignantly. “Birds are immune to meteors? How do you figure?”

One answer is that I figure with a series of oversized wall-mounted abacuses, which I had installed in my home in order to spite Texas Instruments. We’ve since resolved our differences, but it seems a waste not to use the abacuses now that I have them.

Another answer has to do with the notion that the bird is the descendents of the dinosaur. As we all know, the dinosaur was wiped out by a meteor. Why? The dinosaur had constructed a giant gold ball of twine as a monument to its own greatness (as if naming itself things like “thunder-lizard” wasn’t self-aggrandizing enough). The hubris of the dinosaur was an abomination in God’s sight.*

If we apply the principles of natural selection and logic to this scenario, we can see that the bird must be descended from the survivors of this disaster, and that it must carry the gene for meteor-invulnerability. Q.E.D.

Weaknesses

The sparrow’s bones are completely hollow; there’s not even vanilla cream in there.

Number of legs

Two.

Musical inclination

The sparrow is one of a number of birds known for its appreciation for music, something sadly rare in the animal kingdom. The sparrow’s favorite artists are Dean Martin, doo-wop period Billy Joel, Phil Collins-era Genesis, and DANGERDOOM.

Is it a victim of ethnic cleansing?

Yes. In China’s Great Leap Forward in the late 1950s and early 1960s, the government instituted a campaign suggesting to the populace that, hey, maybe snap a few sparrow necks. The Four Pests Campaign targeted the sparrow, the rat, the fly, and the poodle.**

Four Pests Campaign Poster

At last, the David of human civilization stood up to the bullying Goliath of smallish songbirds.

Propaganda encouraged citizens to murder these four creatures on sight and present the scalps to government representatives in exchange for payment. This system, though abhorrent, did serve as a model for Western recycling practices.

What if it fought a bear?

This thing is immune to meteors. You think a bear is going to give it any trouble?

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

I don’t totally trust birds, and this isn’t a particularly remarkable one.

However, I alluded earlier to the fact that I wish more animals appreciated music, so I have to give the sparrow points for its chirpy little ditties. This is the animal most likely to join me in a performance of The Longest Time, and I think that says something about it.

 

7/10

 

 

*The people of middle America have failed to learn the lessons of prehistory. The Great Plains is preserved only through their inability to build as grandly as the dinosaur.

**The poodle was not particularly pest-like, but Chairman Mao considered it to be inherently against everything he stood for. When the phrase “capitalist dog” is used, the poodle is understood to be the dog. Mao hated the poodle. Oh how he hated the poodle.

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