Tag Archives: mating ritual

Octopus

Octopus

“Octopussy! She is Octopussy!
Beware her ink
You’re sure to sink
Into her sea of lies
Her advanced eyes
Will see you meet your doom
At the eight strong hands of Octopussy!”

 – Theme from Octopussy

Those lyrics are as true today as they were the day they were written. The octopus is not just a fanciful foe of James Bond. It is all too real, my friend.

octopus

This could be just an inch below your feet any time you’re in the ocean. Have fun!

Special powers

We mammals all have a heart inside us. Most others are the same way. The octopus, clearly just showing off, has three.[1]

Beyond this blood-pumping triple threat, the octopus has many special powers: poison, considerable intelligence – including tool use, ink squirting, the ability to change color at will, excellent vision, a salivary papilla which is a tooth-covered organ that shoots out from its sharp beak, etcetera.

There are even specializations on top of all that. The mimic octopus does impressions and is a wizard. Paul the Octopus was a psychic who predicted World Cup winners, but could not foresee his own untimely death in a car accident.

Weaknesses

We mammals all have a spooky skeleton inside us. Most others are the same way, or wear their skeletons on the outside, as bugs do. The octopus, however, has no skeleton at all.

Contrary to popular belief, the octopus hates gardening. The Beatles, in their famous song about the subject, were using irony. You like them now, right, kids?

Number of legs

Eight, two rows of suckers each.

Courtship

The male octopus has a special sperm-filled arm dedicated to this purpose, which it breaks off its own body and gifts to a female in a tasteful but creative ceremony. For a spell, flash mobs and jumbotrons were popular ways to make the offering, but are now looked on as cliché.

What if it fought a bear?

That bear you think you see is just the octopus doing a pretend. The real bear was defeated thirty-five minutes ago.

Is it noble?

The octopus’s motives are known only to itself.

Final rating

This inscrutable creature is very powerful indeed. Honestly, I’d say it’s OP and ready for a nerf. And no, I’m not just saying that because I am being repeatedly owned. I don’t need to learn 2 play, octopus! I know how 2 play just fine!

 

6.5/10

 

 

[1]Eat your super-sized singular heart out, Grinch.

 

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Anglerfish

Anglerfish

Deep in the deepest, darkest depths of the deep ocean deep, there is many a strange creature. The anglerfish is one of the deepest and strangest and deepest.

AAAAAAAAAHHHHH

Home Alohno

Special powers

According to Wikipedia, “In most species, a wide mouth extends all around the anterior circumference of the head, and both jaws are armed with bands of long pointed teeth, which are inclined inwards, and can be depressed so as to offer no impediment to an object gliding towards the stomach, but prevent its escape from the mouth. The anglerfish is able to distend both its jaw and its stomach (its bones are thin and flexible) to enormous size, allowing it to swallow prey up to twice as large as its entire body.”

All of this is true of both the anglerfish and the Cheshire cat.

Weaknesses

I don’t know if this is a weakness exactly, but uh listen to this. When the anglerfish goes to reproduce, it sets the mood all right, puts on some Barry White, lights a candle (the candle is actually her bioluminescent extended spine), and then the much smaller male attaches itself to the female’s body and she absorbs his entire being. Their systems fuse and his organs and soul all slowly cease to be, until all that’s left is his poor fishy testicles.

All of this is true of both the anglerfish and Kris Jenner.*

Jenner Time

The male is pictured here with just three internal organs still wholly his own.

Number of legs

Nope.

Notable accomplishments

The anglerfish is most famous for its way of catching prey. Specifically, it invented fishing. It had a total monopoly on the fish market, until humans grew tired of relying on the anglerfish for their seafood supply and totes plagiarized it.**

“Ooh, look at me! I’m an angler!” (Source)

Wikipedia’s Talk Page Theater

Wikipedian 1 asks: “Are they dangerous? Can they bite? Those sharp teeth look formidable.”

Wikipedian 2 answers: “anglerfish are cool”

Known aliases

“Common black devil.”

…What the heck, anglerfish? That’s messed up, dogg. That’s messed up.

What if it fought a bear?

She’ll eat your soul and steal your ball strength, bear! Don’t test her!

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Sneaky deceiver tricking and eating innocent fish with unfair tactics. Horrifying monster absorbing its own kind into itself. Super-racist. The anglerfish.

You were wrong, Wikipedian 2. You were so wrong.

 

1/10

 

 

*My resumé’s in the mail, Late Night!

**The copycat who stole fishing from the anglerfish was named Prometheus.

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