Many animals are famous for exactly one element of their personality. The mockingbird is one such animal. Everyone knows of its huge roster of uncanny impressions. But can you name anything else about the mockingbird? Its favorite things? Its foibles? Have you even read its soul-baring blog? And if you only know what the mockingbird is like through Marc Maron‘s interview with it on WTF, that doesn’t count.
I don’t exactly know why; it just doesn’t.
Well, you know, the mocking thing. So accurate are the mockingbird’s impressions, it was cast in the Michael Winslow role in the all-animal remake of the 1984 Hugh Wilson film “Police Academy.” Unfortunately, the project fell apart when the Steve Guttenberg wolverine went berserk and mauled several key grips and the director of photography.
However, the mockingbird finds its talent to be a curse as well. The mockingbird would like to be known for its other comedic material, which is mostly observational, but frankly not as relatable as it seems to think (see Excerpts from the mockingbird’s standup routine).
Number of legs
Excerpts from the mockingbird’s standup routine
“Harry Potter? Are you guys reading this? Why do I gotta keep track of all these characters? Harry Potter should just be Harry Potter and let Ron Weasley and Voldemort and all these other people get their own books! Misleading title much, J.K. Rowling? That must stand for Just Kidding, ’cause you have got to be kidding me here!”
“Blondes aren’t pretty! We’re all thinking it! I’m just saying it!”
“Okay, now maybe this is just me and my skewed, off-kilter view on things. But for me? I think lava lamps should be getting smaller, not taller! Just open up my pocket and find a little lava lamp in there? You know what I’m sayin’!”
“I look around the ranch and everybody’s with their horse. We’ve all been there right? Well, I think things should go a little differently, all right? Hey, horse, here’s an idea; how about next time I put a saddle on you and ride you around for once!”
“Coffee?? I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of drinking it with a straw!”
There are a number of different types of mockingbird. They include:
- Brown-backed mockingbird: Known for its brown back.
- Chalk-browed mockingbird: Known for its chalky brow.
- White-banded mockingbird: Known for its white band (namely, Mumford and Sons).
- Salmon-butted mockingbird: Known for its fish tramp stamp.
- Bahama mockingbird: Can be recognized by its flamboyant patterned shirts.
- Socorro mockingbird: A superb bowler and an even better lover.
- Black-and-white mockingbird: An old bird which loves nothing more than elaborate ladder-based physical comedy routines.
- Northern mockingbird: Linnaeus called this bird “Turdus polyglottos,” which ouch, man. That’s uncalled for.
What if it fought a bear?
The bear has a distinct advantage in that there’s a whole book dedicated to describing how to kill the mockingbird.
Is it noble?
I understand why the mockingbird wouldn’t want to be boxed into just doing impressions its whole life. But on the other hand, as you can see, its other material is not strong. Still, no reason for Linnaeus to be that rude. Nor Harper Lee to help anybody with a library card murder it.
I hope not. I’m a very jealous blogsmith.
I know what you’re thinking, but no, they went with the marmot for Bobcat Goldthwait’s role.
In the wolverine’s defense, the D.P. was wandering around the set really distractingly.