Tag Archives: M*A*S*H impressions but just the movie versions

Octopus

Octopus

“Octopussy! She is Octopussy!
Beware her ink
You’re sure to sink
Into her sea of lies
Her advanced eyes
Will see you meet your doom
At the eight strong hands of Octopussy!”

 – Theme from Octopussy

Those lyrics are as true today as they were the day they were written. The octopus is not just a fanciful foe of James Bond. It is all too real, my friend.

octopus

This could be just an inch below your feet any time you’re in the ocean. Have fun!

Special powers

We mammals all have a heart inside us. Most others are the same way. The octopus, clearly just showing off, has three.[1]

Beyond this blood-pumping triple threat, the octopus has many special powers: poison, considerable intelligence – including tool use, ink squirting, the ability to change color at will, excellent vision, a salivary papilla which is a tooth-covered organ that shoots out from its sharp beak, etcetera.

There are even specializations on top of all that. The mimic octopus does impressions and is a wizard. Paul the Octopus was a psychic who predicted World Cup winners, but could not foresee his own untimely death in a car accident.

Weaknesses

We mammals all have a spooky skeleton inside us. Most others are the same way, or wear their skeletons on the outside, as bugs do. The octopus, however, has no skeleton at all.

Contrary to popular belief, the octopus hates gardening. The Beatles, in their famous song about the subject, were using irony. You like them now, right, kids?

Number of legs

Eight, two rows of suckers each.

Courtship

The male octopus has a special sperm-filled arm dedicated to this purpose, which it breaks off its own body and gifts to a female in a tasteful but creative ceremony. For a spell, flash mobs and jumbotrons were popular ways to make the offering, but are now looked on as cliché.

What if it fought a bear?

That bear you think you see is just the octopus doing a pretend. The real bear was defeated thirty-five minutes ago.

Is it noble?

The octopus’s motives are known only to itself.

Final rating

This inscrutable creature is very powerful indeed. Honestly, I’d say it’s OP and ready for a nerf. And no, I’m not just saying that because I am being repeatedly owned. I don’t need to learn 2 play, octopus! I know how 2 play just fine!

 

6.5/10

 

 

[1]Eat your super-sized singular heart out, Grinch.

 

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Mockingbird

Mockingbird

Many animals are famous for exactly one element of their personality. The mockingbird is one such animal. Everyone knows of its huge roster of uncanny impressions. But can you name anything else about the mockingbird? Its favorite things? Its foibles? Have you even read its soul-baring blog?[1] And if you only know what the mockingbird is like through Marc Maron‘s interview with it on WTF, that doesn’t count.

Photo from Vice.com

I don’t exactly know why; it just doesn’t.

Special powers

Well, you know, the mocking thing. So accurate are the mockingbird’s impressions, it was cast in the Michael Winslow role in the all-animal remake of the 1984 Hugh Wilson film “Police Academy.”[2] Unfortunately, the project fell apart when the Steve Guttenberg wolverine went berserk and mauled several key grips and the director of photography.[3]

Weaknesses

However, the mockingbird finds its talent to be a curse as well. The mockingbird would like to be known for its other comedic material, which is mostly observational, but frankly not as relatable as it seems to think (see Excerpts from the mockingbird’s standup routine).

Number of legs

Two.

Excerpts from the mockingbird’s standup routine

“Harry Potter? Are you guys reading this? Why do I gotta keep track of all these characters? Harry Potter should just be Harry Potter and let Ron Weasley and Voldemort and all these other people get their own books! Misleading title much, J.K. Rowling? That must stand for Just Kidding, ’cause you have got to be kidding me here!”

“Blondes aren’t pretty! We’re all thinking it! I’m just saying it!”

“Okay, now maybe this is just me and my skewed, off-kilter view on things. But for me? I think lava lamps should be getting smaller, not taller! Just open up my pocket and find a little lava lamp in there? You know what I’m sayin’!”

“I look around the ranch and everybody’s with their horse. We’ve all been there right? Well, I think things should go a little differently, all right? Hey, horse, here’s an idea; how about next time I put a saddle on you and ride you around for once!”

“Coffee?? I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of drinking it with a straw!”

Varieties

There are a number of different types of mockingbird. They include:

  • Brown-backed mockingbird: Known for its brown back.
  • Chalk-browed mockingbird: Known for its chalky brow.
  • White-banded mockingbird: Known for its white band (namely, Mumford and Sons).
  • Salmon-butted mockingbird: Known for its fish tramp stamp.
  • Bahama mockingbird: Can be recognized by its flamboyant patterned shirts.
  • Socorro mockingbird: A superb bowler and an even better lover.
  • Black-and-white mockingbird: An old bird which loves nothing more than elaborate ladder-based physical comedy routines.
  • Northern mockingbird: Linnaeus called this bird “Turdus polyglottos,” which ouch, man. That’s uncalled for.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear has a distinct advantage in that there’s a whole book dedicated to describing how to kill the mockingbird.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

I understand why the mockingbird wouldn’t want to be boxed into just doing impressions its whole life. But on the other hand, as you can see, its other material is not strong. Still, no reason for Linnaeus to be that rude. Nor Harper Lee to help anybody with a library card murder it.

 

 

6.5/10

 

 

 

[1]I hope not. I’m a very jealous blogsmith.

[2]I know what you’re thinking, but no, they went with the marmot for Bobcat Goldthwait’s role.

[3]In the wolverine’s defense, the D.P. was wandering around the set really distractingly.

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Conch

Conch

Almost everything we know about the mysterious conch – which isn’t much – comes from the obsessive efforts of one Friedrich Schnell. This German scientist dedicated all his energies toward studying the conch in order to sublimate his desire to have sex with a train. The first and most pressing question he needed to address was this: Is there anything in there?

conch

Is there?

It turns out what’s in there is a sea snail. This was a great disappointment to Schnell’s assistant, who had been hoping for gold. But yes, the conch is a snail, which means it is some kind of squishy thing that lives in a hard thing that it finds or maybe is part of its body or something. Look, I am not on trial in the court of Knowing How Snails Work here.

Special powers

If you – yes, even you – hold the conch up to your ear, you will hear it do an incredible impression of the ocean. It used to do several M*A*S*H characters too.

Weaknesses

The conch stopped doing the M*A*S*H impressions because all of its voices were based on the movie actors, and once the TV show had been out for a while, nobody really appreciated it any more.

Also, it is deep in debt to the wrong people. For a time, it worked as a boxer – even throwing a couple fights – to pay these criminals back. It was during this time it earned the nickname the “Florida fighting conch.”[1]

Number of legs

No one knows.

Instrument of the gods?

The conch has been said to be Triton’s trumpet, the divine horn of the preserver god Vishnu, and the cornet of Piggy, lord of all flies.[2]

Only the bit about it being the shankha is true. Triton actually preferred the street organ, and pigs can’t play wind instruments.

more organ for the grinding

Pictured: Triton, messenger of the sea.

What if it fought a bear?

It thought it told you people those days are behind it. (see Weaknesses)

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

The conch makes beautiful music for at least one deity. But when it’s not doing that, it’s just being a boring snail. Even Friedrich Schnell, who devoted his life to learning its secrets, lost interest before he discovered much. Unless all those sketches of tank engines toward the end of his notes are related to this animal somehow.

 

5/10

 

 

 

[1]The conch is not from Florida, but the ring announcer felt this sounded better.

[2]I am not on trial in the court of Having Read A Book here.

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