Tag Archives: man’s best friend

Quail

Quail

The quail and mankind used to be friends a long time ago.

"You wanna go cruise for babes?"

But I haven’t thought of you lately at all. (Photo from Des Moines Register)

Now, of course, humanity’s BFF is the dog. But in the long-distant past, that role was filled by the quail. Accounts differ as to what exactly broke up the then-inseparable pair. One story is that the quail ate something in the fridge that man was saving for later. One rumor is that man said something bad about the quail’s girlfriend, or possibly its fondue start-up business. Some say the break-up was caused by a betrayal in a game of foursquare, though there’s no consensus on who was the betrayer.

Special powers

Look man, what do you want? It’s the quail. The only power we thought it had was loyalty and if the story about the fridge is true, we know that’s not so. We wanted the rest of that chicken wrap for dinner, quail! We wanted it so bad.

Weaknesses

The qual is subject to the whims and orders of the king quail.

A certain kind of quail was, in punishment for the crime of murder, cursed to forever repeat the name of its victim, Bob White.

Number of legs

Two. Plus two wings.

Wikipedia’s Talk Page Asks

“I Would Like To ?buy Fresh Water Drinkers For thirtytwothirtyfour Naseby 4rd B’ham Beight threHe For Sabina Insha Allah I Will Pay When zit -arrives”

What if it fought a bear?

The quail would challenge the bear to a game of foursquare. The bear would maul it instead.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

We may not remember exactly what you did to us, quail, but we will never forgive you. The dog is way cooler than you, anyway. It would never eat our wrap. It… It puked on the floor and now it’s eating the puke.

…The point stands.

 

3.5/10

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Dog (part one)

Dog (part one)

In just a few days this blog will reach its first anniversary. That’s a whole year of rating every animal, and now it seems about time to cover one of the most basic and essential ones: the dog.

We’re talking about man’s best friend. That’s a claim reserved solely for it and once upon a time the quail.[1] These two have broed out more than most any other pair of living creatures. Not that that makes it okay to sleep with it.

sleeping dogs lie

Nobody said “with benefits.”

The friendship isn’t the easiest, though, considering the dog doesn’t make a lick of sense. Anyone who’s ever tried to have a conversation with it can confirm this. And so came the whisperers. This secretive cabal claimed to be able not only to commune with the dog, but plant suggestions in its brain – a process known as “inception.” Nearly all of the whisperers have since disappeared – trapped in limbo by the only publicly “out” dog whisperer, Cesar Chavez.[2]

Special powers

The dog has a great capacity for hearing and smell. It is also the only animal other than humans that participates in Double Dare hosted by Marc Summers.

dog agility

The dog has been bred for its immunity to slime.

It is also immune to shame.

Weaknesses

The dog is susceptible to heartworms, an infestation of worms with cause sadness, tapeworms, parasites which have been made totally obsolete by Blu-rays, and trick knee, a condition in which the dog’s leg joints turn to confetti just when you don’t want them to.

It is also immune to shame.

Number of legs

Four.

Professions

Many jobs have been excellent work for the dog. It has served as a firefighter, actor, police officer, shepherd, guard of Hades, hunter, snow dog, and even personal assistant. Blind individuals, for example, will frequently hire the dog to write as they dictate. Consider also Eddie, who to this day personally prepares the tossed salad and scrambled eggs which Kelsey Grammer needs to survive.

Don’t forget

To spay and neuter your pets.

Bob Barker

“…Or I’ll break your legs!”

What if it fought a bear?

You’re going to make the dog fight? What are you, a monster?

Is it noble?

An excellent question. I will answer this question, as well as get into detail about the many different breeds of dog next week in Part Two!

surprised dog

TO BE CONTINUED

 

 

[1]The quail and man separated over irreconcilable differences centuries ago. I should also note that the title was briefly applied to Chandler, but the dog took over the role soon after.

[2]You no doubt remember his catchphrase, “Pizza pizza!”

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