Tag Archives: mad science

Goblin shark

Goblin shark

When a shark and a goblin love each other very much, they contract a mad scientist to create an unholy hybrid known as the goblin shark.

add me to your five! :^{}

This is its MySpace picture.

Special powers

The goblin shark’s mouth is a horrifying nightmare weapon, filled with crazy teeth and able to leap forward and snatch prey.

noooooo

No no no no no no no

It is a real good swimmer.

Weaknesses

The goblin shark is weak against exosuit cargo-loaders. It used to have vulnerabilities to torches and pitchforks, but it has since removed those flaws.

Number of legs

None.

Favorite video game

It has eaten four separate copies of Ecco the Dolphin.

Celebrity birthdays

As the goblin shark was not literally born, the goblin shark does not have a birthday per se. But on the day its body was given animation, these celebrities were born by natural means:

  • Bruce Willis, an American actor who portrayed Unbreakable in the film Unbreakable

  • The Panda’s Accomplice, an athlete in the Chinese Basketball Association

  • Jimmie “The Beast” Foxx, the baseball player who first realized he could double his chances of hitting pitches by using two bats

What if it fought a bear?

The bear eschews most advanced technology, including exosuit cargo-loaders. The goblin shark would defeat it.

Is it noble?

Half.

Final rating

The goblin shark’s goblin half may – may – be balanced by its shark side. But as a creation of mad science, it has no soul. Its MySpace bio makes that much clear.

 

 

2.5/10

Tagged , , , ,

Gorlok

Gorlok

Around this time two years ago I was in the throes of basketball fever. Fortunately, I survived to rate another day (and several more after that).

Now it’s that time again – March, when a young athlete’s fancy turns to basketballsmanship. Many of the basketball teams engaging in basketball contests this month will be invoking animals as their patron saints. They will seek aid from the husky, the bull, the hawk, the piece of wheat, the Native American human being and many more.[1]

One animal that serves such a role to inspire a team and imbue them with its power? The gorlok.

gorlok

You heard me.

Special powers

The gorlok is a strange creature. It boasts the paws of a speeding cheetah, the horns of a fierce buffalo, and the face of the Saint Bernard.[2]

Weaknesses

I don’t think we can really count that last one as a plus. Or else I greatly misunderstood a compliment I was being paid.

Number of legs

Two, plus two arms.

Time and place of birth

The Gorlok was born in 1984 in St. Louis, Missouri. It appreciates the Spice Girls on a much deeper level than you.[3] It thinks it’s involved in regional food disputes that do not concern it.

What if it fought a bear?

That would be a cross-conference match-up and it’s not a rivalry, so we don’t have much of a record to look at to make a prediction. Too close to call.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The gorlok is a mash-up of some dope animals. Something is lost, though, when you take all these bits of good animals out of context, mix them up together, and slap an Archie Andrews style one-giant-letter sweater on it.

 

 

6.5/10

 

 

 

[1]Well, one or two of those aren’t like the others.

[2]What has science wrought?

[3]Or so it claims, but it also claimed that Jennifer Lawrence was, in its words, “literally me.”

Tagged , , , , ,

Dog (part two)

Dog (part two)

PREVIOUSLY ON RATE EVERY ANIMAL

The dog doesn’t make a lick of sense… Double Dare hosted by Marc Summers… we have to find Habib Marwan… tossed salad and scrambled eggs… “I’ll break your legs!”… Is it noble?

WE NOW RETURN TO YOUR DOG REVIEW ALREADY IN PROGRESS…

Is it noble?

Yes.

Breeds

The dog is one of the most diverse of all animals. There are many, many breeds, and each of them is very distinct. Let me just run down some of the highlights.

St. Bernard

Saint Bernard: We begin with the Saint Bernard[1]. This dog specializes in rescuing mountain-climbers in the Alps and being an alcoholic. It’s rarely seen in public without a small flask of brandy around its neck. Notable Saint Bernards include Cujo the criminally insane and Ludwig van Beethoven, the composer.

Whippet: This breed was so loved by Devo co-founder Mark Mothersbaugh that he penned a song about it, titled “Jocko Homo.” It is best known today for its refrain “Are we not men? / No, we are beautiful dogs.”

Poodle: The poodle is banned from China for life.

Labradoodle: The labradoodle is a chimera. It pretends not to breathe fire, but it’s just an act to make humanity less uncomfortable with its existence.

Irish wolfhound

Irish wolfhound: If you see this huge breed in the wild, trace its steps back to the rainbow from which it originated and you will be granted a wish, as long as your wish falls within the category of “potatoes and potato-based products.”

Golden receiver: The breed of Air Bud and all Air Buddies, this dog is gifted with incredible athletic prowess. A loophole in the U.S. constitution allowed it to serve as the 35th vice president from 1949 to 1953.[2] “Air” Force One was named in its honor.

Boxer: It was just a nobody until it took a shot and challenged Apollo Creed.

Apollo Creed

A true American hero.

Doberman pinscher: This dog was developed by German scientists to be the ultimate “uberhund” or “super-dog,” so that no weaker dogs would dare challenge its iron-pawed rule.

Miniature pinscher: This small dog was developed by little German scientists to be the ultimate little “kleinuberhund” or “wee super-dog,” so that no weaker dogs (tiny category) would dare challenge its itty-bitty iron-pawed rule.

Newfoundland: A country.

Chihuahua: The chihuahua must weigh in at six pounds or less to meet its breed standards. However, it also craves the delicious “Mexican” delights peddled by Taco Bell every Fourthmeal, like clockwork. Like the work of a fat, Dorito-dust-covered clock. This inherent dichotomy leads to widespread bulimia among the chihuahua’s ranks.

Bloodhound: Taking the dog’s special power of keen sense of smell to new heights, the bloodhound can track the vaguest hint of a trail for miles. It also possesses deeper, subtler reserves of hate than any of its canine brothers.

kromfohrlander

Kromfohrländer: The canine harbinger of Ragnarök, the events which will kill the gods and drown the world in water.

Redbone coonhound: The greatest blues musician of all breeds, Redbone tragically died of a heroin overdose just four years and seventeen albums into its career.

Great Dane: The Great Dane is a massive beast of a dog. It counts among its number Marmaduke, who is literally a beast – of Hell; Astro and Scooby-Doo, the most eloquent of all dogs (not that that’s saying much); and Claire Danes, who – haunted by the ghost of her father the king – murdered Claudius.

Lesser Dane: Like the Great Dane, but less so.

Sucky Dane: A real bummer of a dog. A total schlemiel. Notable Sucky Danes include Marmaserf and Scooby-Poo.

bull terrier

Bull terrier: Though it was originally designed by H. R. Giger not to have any eyes at all, they were added to the bull terrier’s face when initial test screenings yielded questionnaires which frequently used the words “nightmare” and “hellborn.”

Lassie dog: The kind of dog Lassie is.

German Shepherd: The policeman of the dog world, and the police dog of man’s world. The German shepherd takes extremely well to advanced training in order to arrest suspects, search for drugs, defuse bombs, and test for semen at the crime scene. The only catch is that to instruct it, a trainer must learn a perhaps uncomfortable number of phrases from Mein Kampf.

Austrian Stockbroker: Kind of like the German shepherd, but less good with sheep and criminals and better with numbers. Arnold Schwarzenegger has owned three Austrian stockbrokers, each stronger than the last.

Papillon: Steve McQueen’s brain was cloned into a butterfly, and mankind mistook it for a dog.

bulldog

Bulldog: Completely separate from both the bull terrier, unrelated to the bull, and even distinct from the fidominotaur[3], the bulldog is just a stocky, wrinkly straight-up canine with a wicked underbite and a wickeder distrust of dental surgery. It snores.

Caucasian shepherd dog: A racist.

Pharaoh hound: The pharaoh hound can be recognized by the tattered ancient bandages trailing from it, its glowing yellow eyes, and the cortege of scarabs attending to it. Petting it is the Number 3 way of getting cursed in the world today.[4]

Dalmatian: Most firefighters won’t admit this if you ask them, but the dalmatian is the only one who knows how to drive the fire engine. Many departments keep an extra one on hand just to ride in the back so people won’t think to look for the one in the driver’s seat. But it’s there.

Weiner dog: The best dog of all, according to God’s message left on the golden plates found by Joseph Smith. Which, I mean, believe what you want, but come on. Better than the corgi?

Look at it.

Look at this mother f***er.

Final rating

Even with the extended length afforded me by this two-part extravaganza, I still haven’t had space to cover all the many facets of the dog. With this much diversity, there’s something for every one. It is truly a great animal, albeit kind of a clingy one.

 

 

9.5/10

 

 

 

[1]Disclaimer: Not an actual saint.

[2]It took the name Alben W. Barkley, but come on. “Barkley”?

[3]Half-bull, half-man, half-dog, all cop.

[4]Data from Nov. 2010- Nov. 2011.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Narwhal

Narwhal

Well, it’s finally happened. As you may have heard, America has declared war on Mars.

In blatant violation of the peacetime spirit of our Earth Olympics, the shadowy organization NASA (the true meaning of this acronym is known only to the shadow president and the secretary bird) deployed a robot to invade Mars’s airspace, space-space, and landspace. Under the Treaty of Roswell 1919, this is an act of war. And not only that, our first line of defense is a machine!

Now don’t get me wrong. Technology has made many great advances. The technology of caller ID has allowed me to answer the phone more interestingly, according to the person calling, whether that’s “What’s poppin’, brother?”, “Good morrow, Dowager Countess”, “You got a lotta nerve showing your voice after what you pulled”, “BUSINESS TIME, BUSINESSMAN SPEAKING”, or “I’m not cheating on you!”

But that doesn’t mean I want technology as our foot[1] forward on Mars! Robots are notoriously poor at diplomatic relations.

c-3po

Pictured: A liar.

Take, for example, the narwhal. It is only part machine – a cyborg – but even that is enough to render it a tactless creature.

narwhal

Bad at first impressions.

Special powers

Much as science has defied reason and self-preservation in threatening the sovereignty of Mars, it first defied God’s plan by grafting cybernetic enhancements onto a beluga whale… namely a large spiral-design horn.

narwhal tusk

A rejected design closely resembled reindeer antlers, which allowed the narwhal to fly but made it look a dang fool.

This horn – more accurately, a tusk – does everything one can expect a horn to do. The narwhal is currently on the Mark VII tusk, which also boasts projectile capability, drilling action, lockpick attachments, and a bottle opener. It is expected to get further upgrades early next year, but still no word on Flash compatibility.

When, in king times, Europeans first saw what Inuit engineers had wrought, they thought they were witnessing the unicorn made seaworthy. They sought to take the narwhal’s tusk and co-op its assumed magical powers. This craze was proof of the old adage, “Europeans are super-dumb.”[2]

Weaknesses

It is a tactless creature which can not play Flash videos.

Number of legs

Nope.

Name origin

According to Wikipedia, “Its name is derived from the Old Norse word nár, meaning ‘corpse’, in reference to the animal’s greyish, mottled pigmentation, like that of a drowned sailor.”

What Wikipedia fails to mention is that the narwhal is part corpse, being kept alive by the mechanical systems within.

meditation chamber

It can rest only within specially designed Pokéballs.

What if it fought a bear?

There’s a reason you never see the polar bear screw with the narwhal. It knows what it would get.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

You robots and half-robots and robot-lovers got us into this mess on Mars! And Arnold Schwarzenegger, you didn’t help either.

Total Recall

That said, as abominations go, this is a pretty nice one!

 

 

4/10

 

 

 

[1]Treads.

[2]Source: Confucius.

Tagged , , , , , ,

Scorpion

Scorpion

Guys, the scorpion is insane. Just look at this thing:

scorpion

Seriously, guys.

You may wonder from where such a creature could come. The answer is, of course, metal. An enterprising van artist and metal fan (named Randall) grew tired of his work being expressed mostly in the form of Ford Econolines. He hungered to create something that truly lived. And so the artist turned to mad science. The result was a hybrid of tarantula, lobster, and a wicked sweet venom-barbed tail. The original sketch also called for ram’s horns, bat wings, and an improbably large sword, but those proved unfeasible.

Special powers

Like the coolest BattleBots, the scorpion is brimming with weapons. There’s the claws up front, the venom-barbed tail in the back, and its launchable spear – which the scorpion loves to use in conjunction with its catchphrase “Get over here!”

Weaknesses

Viewing the scorpion’s stock portfolio is like visiting a gallery of bad decisions. Enron, Pets.com, the banks, AlpacaCorp… The scorpion got burned by them all.

Number of legs

Eight.

Characteristics

The scorpion is known for its intensity, determination, magnetism, and reliance on pseudoscience.

Fluorescence

When exposed to ultraviolet light, such as from a blacklight, the scorpion’s true face can be seen – that of a decaying Randall!

What if it fought a bear?

The scorpion can execute combos the bear never could.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The scorpion is cool, but it’s trying a little too hard to be cool, you know? Plus it’s technically just a palette-swap of Sub-Zero. But hey, he’s cool too.

 

8/10

Tagged , , , , ,

Brine shrimp

Brine shrimp

In the year 1957, mad scientist and noted white supremacist Harold von Braunhut had hit a bump in the road with his development of X-ray spectacles, which he hoped to use to prove that, underneath the skin, people really are inferior to him. To take his mind off the problem, he put his efforts into another project – creating the brine shrimp.

The brine shrimp is our first man-made animal covered in this blog. It is a tiny creature, which accomplishes tasks almost exclusively in large rust-red clouds which roam salty lakes in search of minorities at which to hurl epithets. The brine shrimp has been frequently marketed to children with disposable income in Fantastic Four and Amazing Fantasy advertisements as Sea-Monkeys.

Brine shrimp

Abominations may be purchased via mail order.

Eventually von Braunhut did complete his X-ray glasses, and abandoned the brine shrimp to live on its own or in the custody of young comic book readers.

Special powers

The reason the brine shrimp is well-suited to being moved through the United States Postal Service is that it has a very low cryogenic freezing point. The brine shrimp may live forever if accidentally left in the back of the refrigerator, provided the power doesn’t go out very often.

It should also be noted that the brine shrimp has a psychic third eye in the middle of its forehead. The individual brine shrimp can only read thoughts, but when it gathers in a crowd with others of its ilk, they can combine their powers to hypnotize a dog or small child.

Weaknesses

As long as the brine shrimp is kept separate from its fellows, its powers are quite weak. Also, it is a tiny, crushable shrimp.

Number of legs

Twenty-two.

Impact of salinity

The brine shrimp requires a certain amount of salt in the water it lives in. When there is not enough salt in its environment, the brine shrimp grows depressed and apathetic.

What if it fought a bear?

It is a shrimp. It can’t do anything to a bear.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The brine shrimp is certainly a much better deal than X-ray spectacles. Be wary of getting too many, though, if you have pets or children in the house who might fall under their thrall.

Its final rating must also suffer from being a shrimp that completely resists scampification. You can not make brine shrimp scampi. You just can’t.

 

4/10

Tagged , , ,