The raccoon dog, a.k.a. the tanuki, used to be bad. It was a malevolent force, a trickster spirit with cruel aims. Since those days, it’s gone straight – or at least somewhat. It’s still an impish prankster, but a lovable, mostly harmless one.
The raccoon dog has a beautiful, soft coat of fur. In fact, mankind hunts the raccoon dog for its fur, on account of we are nature’s ultimate prick. It is a superb musician; its instrument of choice is its own belly as a drum. As one can guess by this choice, its talents are more in the area of technical skill than satisfying songwriting.
Also, it is a shape-shifter.
The raccoon dog has an enormous scrotum. Most any person who has a scrotum will tell you it is a very fragile weak spot. The raccoon dog may as well paint a big target on its crotch while it’s at it. It’s like that classic schoolyard song goes: “Tan-tan-tanuki no kintama wa, kaze mo nai no ni, bura bura.”
It gets seasick.
Number of legs
Drink of choice
The raccoon dog shares a birthday with…
Gerard Butler, whose real name is Gerald Butrer.
Kim Jong-Un, who has his basketball number shaved into the back of his head every month.
Judah Friedlander, who, for the credits in every episode of 30 Rock, performed his famous point live.
What if it fought a bear?
The raccoon dog would befriend the bear and get it drunk. We’re looking at arm-in-arm “Piano Man” singing within three hours.
Is it noble?
The raccoon dog is friendly, fluffy, and jolly. As long as you train yourself to avoid staring it directly in the scrotum, it’s a good time. At least until you remember you have work in the morning.
“Tanuki’s balls, there isn’t any wind but they still go swing, swing, swing.” It’s as true today as it was then.