Tag Archives: lifehacks

Woodpecker

Woodpecker

Wood won’t peck itself. Fortunately, when there’s wood that needs pecking, there’s the woodpecker to do it.

"nut all woodpeckers"

Two, even.

The woodpecker felt that birds weren’t getting maximum use from trees by utilizing only the exterior. It invented the “lifehack” of pecking one’s way into the creamy, grub-filled interior of a tree. It didn’t stop there. It is continually posting on the Internet new advice for how the reading public can better live their lives. What follows are just a few of the woodpecker’s tips, in its own words.

  • See the other side of your hammer? LIFEHACK: Use that bad boy to take nails back out!

  • Tired of buying new mugs? LIFEHACK: With a little water and soap, you can reuse a mug six, even seven times!

  • LIFEHACK: Every DVD tray doubles as a display base for your novelty snake-filled-peanut-brittle-can.

  • Running low on shampoo? LIFEHACK: Wash your hands with soap instead of shampoo.

  • When you drive forward, you use up gas. LIFEHACK: Drive backwards and get your gas back! It’s called reverse and most cars don’t even hide it.

  • LIFEHACK: A backscratcher is just a fork for plates that aren’t within reach.

  • Do your hands become a disgusting mess when you eat barbecue ribs? LIFEHACK: Your precious fingers need never be soiled once you hire a personal butler to hand feed you!

  • Need to shave but you don’t have a razor? LIFEHACK: Carefully aim a pistol to shoot the hair right off your problem area!

  • Out of pepper? LIFEHACK: Salt and black food coloring will do in a “pinch.”

  • LIFEHACK: You’ll find while driving that one lane of traffic is generally quicker. In some cultures, this is the left. In others, it’s the right. Identify the correct one through observation.

  • Need to talk to somebody far away quickly? LIFEHACK: Use a telephone! ADVANCED LIFEHACK: Use a mobile telephone.

  • Hand stuck in the jelly jar but you’re too scared to break the glass? LIFEHACK: Suck it up and get to bleeding, you baby.

  • Tired of the same old boring ramen noodles? You can instantly class them up. Just add ½ cup diced green onions, fresh shrimp (peeled, deveined, and chopped), ¼ cup carrots (peeled & diced), 1/3 cup diced mushrooms, 16 ounces of bean sprouts, and chopped bok choy to taste. To really be at the top of your ramen game, you may need to purchase a higher-end, organic noodle, which will run you around US$5 a pack. Boom, LIFEHACK, the perfect ramen for just twenty-nine dollars and one to two hours of prep time, depending on your proximity to a specialty Asian grocery.

  • Boring movie?

    LIFEHACK: This button lets you jump forward quickly through a dull stretch to get to the good stuff!

    LIFEHACK: This button lets you jump forward quickly through a dull stretch to get to the good stuff!

  • Make your own Christmas ornaments out of popcorn balls, string, googley eyes and scalding hot glue. It’s not any quicker than using a store-bought ornament but LIFEHACK you grow closer to your family.

  • Don’t you just hate all those crumbled up chip specks at the bottom of the bag? What a waste! Well guess what you can just tilt the bag and suck them up like a common beast. LIFEHACK.

  • Have a nasty splinter? Pour some lemon juice over the affected area. LIFEHACK: You no longer fear death.

Special powers

The woodpecker has a long tongue, strong beak, and is immune to concussions despite years in its amateur rugby league.

It also has zygodactyl feet, which is a fancy way of saying it has two forward toes and two backward toes – the perfect set-up for grabbing onto tree-shaped objects such as trees.

Weaknesses

The woodpecker has something of a confused identity. Sometimes it’s a little bit country. Sometimes it’s a little bit rock ‘n’ roll. Sometimes it’s a little bit Donny and Marie Osmond.

lineated woodpecker

Sometimes it’s a little bit punk.

Number of legs

Two, plus wings.

Dirtiest sounding species name

The hairy woodpecker.

What if it fought a bear?

It can punch holes in trees. Now what’s harder, a tree or a bear? That’s right, a bear. Bear wins.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

When I saw when the woodpecker had done this…

cocktail

That’s not what easy means, you moron.

…I wanted to hack its life into pieces.

.

.

3.5/10

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