Tag Archives: let the buttocks fly

Ocean sunfish

Ocean sunfish

The sun has a number of avatars in the animal kingdom. The sunbear represents its heat. The sunbird represents its relationship with plants. The sundog represents its light. The sun angel battles moon criminals on its behalf. The sunflower is not an animal. The ocean sunfish represents its mass. It is the heaviest bony fish in the world at about a ton spread over its 13-foot length. Believe it or not, the sun is even bigger – a dozen times bigger, at least – but the point is the ocean sunfish is proportionally like the sun of its particular peer group.

Special powers

It’s humongous.

Though the ocean sunfish performed as a baritone with its college a cappella group, it can sing well in a range from bass all the way to tenor.

Out-of-town gigs were hard.

The ocean sunfish, pictured here with the rest of “Gleequeg.”

Weaknesses

Due to its great size, the ocean sunfish has poor speed and maneuverability.

It has a weird butt.

ocean sunfish doin its thing

Weird.

Number of legs

No.

Known aliases

  • Mola mola
  • Hank
  • _DipBoss23_

Former names of its college a cappella group, Gleequeg

  • Skull and Crosstones
  • N-TUNE
  • The Jolly Rogers
  • Lucky Charmony
  • No Strings
  • Micky Dolenz’ Locker
  • Sweater Boys
  • Gleefaring Vessel
  • Sweater Boyz

What if it fought a bear?

When any agent of the sun is in danger, its comrades will come to its aid. The bear could take one of them, but not all.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Dip is gross, sunfish. Why do you spend free time talking about it on a message board. That’s not befitting of a representative of our sun, THE GREATEST SUN IN THE UNIVERSE. WOOOO! EARTH! EARTH! EARTH! EARTH!

 

 

5.5/10

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Pigbutt worm

Pigbutt worm

The pigbutt worm doesn’t have the absolute funniest name of the animals I’ve rated, but it’s certainly up there in the top tier. And boy is that name well earned.

pigbutt worm

Worm look like a pigbutt.

Special powers

The pigbutt worm catches its prey with a mucus net. Unsuspecting critters think it’s just a normal, everyday patch of mucus, but as soon as they float near it, the pigbutt worm strikes. I don’t know if you’ve ever had something that looks like a pig butt suddenly assault you when you’re just innocently hanging out in some mucus, but it is a terrifying experience.

Weaknesses

Looking like a disembodied floating pig butt has its disadvantages. There’s never coming in first in a beauty pageant, for one. There’s being denied service in public places. There’s only weirdos ever wanting to kiss you. I’m sure you can think of two, maybe three others.

Number of legs

None.

Number of cheeks

Two.

Known aliases

The flying buttocks was the pigbutt worm’s stage name in the circus. It wasn’t strictly accurate, though since it doesn’t fly. Apparently it didn’t think the swimming buttocks was flashy enough.

What if it fought a bear?

Haha can you imagine that? That’d look funny.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

Just look at that thing. That’s so good I can forgive it for being a lowly worm.

 

 

9.5/10

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