Tag Archives: juggalo panda

Opossum

Opossum

Every animal has a role to play.

Well, most animals. I am excluding beasts like the loathsome tree frog. Take the giant panda. I’m really regretting giving it my number; just today it called and asked me if I wanted to “hit up the ‘gan’s for some T-bizzles!”[1] Frankly, this didn’t even make sense, given the panda’s exclusive consumption of Faygo.

But I’m getting off track. What I mean to say is that the giant panda is nature’s obnoxious juggalo. Similarly, the cow is nature’s hipster. And today’s animal is nature’s hobo – the opossum.

It travels from town to town with its busted-up top hat that looks like a broken soup can and its shoes made of broken soup cans. The opossum travels by rail, by hitchhiking, and by giant trebuchet. It even has a bindle built into its body in the form of a pouch.

Special powers

Beyond said pouch, the opossum has opposable foot-thumbs. Haven’t we all been going about our usual routine and wished we could pick something up with our foot and place it into a hands-free container? Yes. We have. Trust me on this one.

opossum

“Jealous?”

The opossum’s greatest strength comes from the moon. If you’ve ever seen the opossum at night, you’ve no doubt seen its eyes glow with moon-power. This is the time when the opossum is resistant to pit viper venom, surprisingly cunning, and as fast as a car[2]. And so, the opossum is free to commit its moon-crimes.

Also, it quickly recovers from rabies and death.

Weaknesses

Unfortunately, the opossum stone cold contracts rabies at least once a week. Worse than that, it dies frequently.

Beyond those problems, the opossum is sluggish and weak in the daylight, and its hat doesn’t do much of anything a hat should do.

Number of legs

Four.

Number of pouches

One.

Diet

The opossum eats any and all kinds of pie: Apple, raspberry, shoofly, shepherd’s, mulberry, booberry, frankenberry, oopsallberry, rhubarb, meat, pizza, pecan, key lime, vital lemon, crucial tangerine, and much more.

Horrifying Wikipedia quote

“Notably, the male opossum has a forked penis bearing twin glandes.”

Hilarious Wikipedia quote

“In an attempt to create another icon like the teddy bear, U.S. President William Howard Taft was tied to the character Billy Possum.[27][28] The character did not do well, as public perception of the opossum led to its downfall.”

What if it fought a bear?

It all depends on the position of the moon.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The opossum is many things depending on the time. Sometimes it’s dead; sometimes it’s super-powered; sometimes it’s just a train-hopping graffitiman. But it is always a pie-loving moon-criminal.

 

6/10

 

 

 

[1]“Visit the chain restaurant Logan’s Roadhouse to purchase and consume T-bone steaks

[2]Hence why they are often found on highways. Fast though the moon-powered opossum may be, it does not have the safety features of today’s automobiles.

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Giant panda

Giant panda

In a stunning first for Rate Every Animal, I have secured an exclusive interview with the subject of my review.[1] That’s right. Today I present to you the giant panda.

Panda with bamboo jazz flute

I bet you didn’t know it can play flute.

It is a very famous animal. Perhaps you think you already know a lot about it, such as the fact that it has very specific dietary needs. There’s one type of sustenance it prefers above all else: Faygo. The panda is a Faygan, consuming only Faygo and Faygo-derived products.

Faygo, sweet nectar of the juggalo

Faygo’s website is currently featuring Uncle Kracker. Come on, Faygo. Come on.

Giant Panda: Magic magic ninja what![2]

Nathan Cranor: Is this a trick question?

GP: Are you not down with the clown?

NC: I’m perfectly healthy, thanks.

GP: Ugh, come on, brotato. You’re such a muggle-o.

Special powers

NC: Panda, what would you say are your special powers?

GP: Dogg, I got talents out the ‘zoo.[3] I’m totes strong. I’m roly-poly as heck.

NC: Is that really a strength? Being roly-poly?

GP: Why don’t you ask me that when I’m ‘scapin’ all the uphill dangers?

NC: I don’t know, scheduling probably.

GP: An’ when I’m rollin’ I’m rollin’ deep. 21 style.

NC: 21?

GP: Adele, dig?

NC: Oh. That’s not what I was thinking of.

21 is a movie Kevin Spacey is in

The Space-man rolls deep also.

GP: I’m tryna explicate I gots a crew of my best compadres what got my back every time and then some. Whoop, whoop.

NC: Are they all juggalos too?

Weaknesses

GP: Nah, somes is Independent.

NC: That’s very tolerant of you.

GP: A panda be nothin’ if not such a thing as you have described.

Number of legs

NC: How many legs do you have, in your opinion?

GP: Oh mane, you know I ain’t even see that ish in an unbiased fash’. But gun to ma nuts, I go four.

Entertainment preferences

NC: What art do you enjoy, besides the collected works of Psychopathic Records?

GP: Look, don’t be scribin’ a world where I’m defined by ICP. ‘S just a facet. Like, you know I flip on the teev on the weekly to catch B. Notes. It’s this sick show up in USA. Characs welcome, namsayin’?

NC: No.

burn notice

Mikey West got that b. note.

GP: Further to the more, if we bein’ honest, lately I’m all up on that Brav. Real ‘swives of New Jers’, Top Chef Just ‘sserts. It ain’t make me less of a panda, Kevin, if you’s readin’ this.

NC: Moving on…

GP: Slow down, brolio vaccine. I ain’t yet mention which of the books I favor.

NC: I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared to ask.

GP: You laid eyes on these Hungry Games? That Katniss chick represents ‘strict 12 like a boss.

Petability factor

NC: Let’s not mince words; you’re very fuzzy.

GP: You’re speakin’ truth to power with that one, dogg.

NC: What’s your stance on petting?

GP: Not my fave. Usually it’s got more than a tinge of that condescensh. But I know what I been given, and deprivin’ the world of it ain’t a place I can call mine. Sometimes you take one for the team, namsayin’?

NC: What if you fought a bear?

GP: What, like one of them brown squares? A grizz? Or like slothy B? I know I can take on the latter, not so for sure on the former.

Is it noble?

NC: No.

GP: What’s this now?

Final rating

NC: Thank you for doing this interview, giant panda.

GP: I got ‘preciation for you for lettin’ me get my voice out there, namsayin’, tickle-me-elbro?

NC: This interview is over. (storms out, ripping microphone off of shirt)

GP: …Yeah, I know. Hence the wrap-up. Think I can’t catch a drift? I’m windfarm status in the area of drift-catching.

giant panda

Grabbin’ up the drifts wherever they fall.

…Okay, let me be the first to admit that what I did was unprofessional. But that Elmo pun really rubbed me the wrong way, like a certain kind of plush animal upon any sensor-triggering touch.

Fortunately, I walked out on the end of the interview, so you haven’t lost any content. There should be enough to show that the giant panda is, well, a bit much. Namsayin’?

 

 

6/10

 

 

 

Footnotes    (↵ returns to text)

  1. I have done interviews before, as in my consultation of Anna Paquin, but that was about an animal completely separate from Anna Paquin.
  2. I later learned that this is a secret greeting amongst the gentle juggalo, of which the panda counts itself. Greet Vice President Joseph Biden in this way and you may just get a tour of his hidden “man-cave.”
  3. Wazoo. I can’t translate it further than that.
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