Tag Archives: Jimmy Buffett

Boll weevil

Boll weevil

The leaf-rolling weevil isn’t the only creative mind in the weevil family. While it writes for television and rolls leaves, the boll weevil specializes in ghostwriting lyrics for popular musicians and eating cotton.

Special powers

It’s real good at eating cotton.

boll weevil

Too good, some say.

There’s also the songwriting thing. It has contributed lines to many famous artists.

Drake:

“I watch Thundercats and think of you.
Think of you
Think of you
‘Cause you look like Cheetarah an’ you cheat wit’ Ira.
I see you driving in that Buick Lucerne.
You’re too good for a car with only a three-power-circle J.D. Power rating, girl.
I hope you know it.”

Modest Mouse:

Well we JUMped uUP O-ver the moOOn. And cauught our owwn tAIl.
And kept it in a CAUFfin. Of our OWN de-SIGN.
BUT ALL THESE JUNKYARD DOGS ARE SINKIN
A GREAT BIG CRAB STOLE ALL OUR JOB
WELLLLLL WE NEVER MET THE PEEEOPLE THAT WE WERE
IF YOU’RE CALLIN’ THAT A TROPHY THEN I’LL EAT A SACK OF SHIT
AHAHAHA.
AHAHAHA?”

The Hold Steady:

“She used to party on drugs that she bought from Jimmy and Shakey.
She got drunk and passed out; now everything’s aching.
Some townies came by in an ATV and offered ’em rides.
Jim said you can almost see heaven if you turn on the brights.”

Lil Wayne:

“Real Gs move in silence like lasagna.”

(The Gs refer to “Garfields.” This was a subtle jab at Tiny Wayne, a rapper looking to usurp Lil’, whose favorite comic character is Nermal.[1] Tiny Wayne quickly passed out of public consciousness as people could only barely hear his wee little voice.)

Jimmy Buffett:

(The boll weevil collaborated with Jimmy Buffett on the songs “Two Sandals and a Guitar,” “Pineapples on Mosquito Gulf,” “Beach Bumming,” “Heart of a Pirate, Soul of a Poet,” “Sunshine Soup,” “The Captain’s Daiquiri,” “Papaya in San Juan,” “I Wanna Dance With The Equator,” “Put A Lime In It,” and “Boat Drinks.”)

Weaknesses

Pesticide and patricide.

Number of legs

Six.

Circumstances of birth

The boll weevil is born inside a cottonball and eats its way out, just like that dream I had.

Does it have a monument named after it?

There's the plaque

Yes.

Related sports teams

The University of Arkansas at Monticello plays sports under the name of the boll weevil, and aren’t you jealous?

What if it fought a bear?

Little known fact, the bear is made of a kind of strong cotton and the boll weevil will tear that thing up.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

The boll weevil has accomplished a lot for a little bug. It’s actually kind of too bad its son will kill it.

 

 

6.5/10

 

 

 

[1]“Noooo,” Tiny Wayne is often heard to say as he opens the newspaper, “not Abu Dhabi again. You deserve a thousand Mondays, you cruel beast.”

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Hummingbird

Hummingbird

You’ve likely met this week’s animal – you may even have fed it. It is that tiny avian the hummingbird. And by “tiny,” I mean “teeny tiny.” The bee hummingbird is the absolute smallest of all birds at 5 centimeters[1] long. Small though it may be, it is very prominent in the animal game – and for good reason, as we’ll see.

Special powers

The hummingbird can’t just fly; it even hovers. It can flit about in any direction it cares to, like gravity ain’t even no thing.

also, who needs legs?

It’s like, “Physics? Pffft.”

It accomplishes these feats of flight by flapping its wings incredibly fast – sometimes as fast as 80 wingbeats a second. Try doing anything even 40 times a second. Not so easy, huh? Well the hummingbird’s wings are twice as fast as that thing you couldn’t come close to doing. I bet you feel the fool now for doubting its impressiveness.

Also, in one species, laser breath.

Weaknesses

The hummingbird is constantly near death by starvation. Its quick little body burns up the fuel in its food so quickly that the hummingbird basically lives its life stuffing its face just to keep enough in the tank to get by. Its abysmal economy of energy is why the Hummer was named for this creature.

Number of legs

Two, barely.

Diet

The hummingbird eats up to 12 times own weight in nectar every day. To supplement all that sugar-water as part of this balanced breakfast, the hummingbird also dines on the occasional soft insect or spider.

YYUUMMMMM

A group of hummingbirds gather at the local watering nectaring hole.

Varieties

There are numerous species of hummingbird, each described by a different adjective. Just a sampling of these species follows:

  • ruby-throated
  • blue-throated
  • pepperoni-throated
  • normal-throated
  • giant
  • sassy
  • sensitive
  • fiery-tailed
  • sword-billed
  • laser-breathed
  • machine-gun-toed
  • Rufous
  • Anna’s
  • toxic
  • Allen’s
  • eloquent
  • cowardly
  • broad-tailed
  • tooth-billed
  • buff-bellied
  • black-chinned
  • bug-eyed
  • stiff-legged
  • spotty-lipped
  • worm-headed
  • hallelujah
  • holy —-
  • where’s the Tylenol

These, and the many other hummingbirds not named above, are all divided into nine warring clans:

  • the hermits, who keep mostly to themselves, biding their time for the others to kill each other off.
  • the mangoes, most laid-back of all the clans. Their house sigil is the Jimmy Buffett: Songs You Know By Heart cover.
  • the giant hummingbird, who pledges allegiance to no other.
  • the coquettes, immortal, wisest, and fairest of all hummingbirds, who were gifted three of the Rings of Power.
  • the mountain-gems, miners by trade and Hatfields by marriage. They have an especially bloody feud with the emeralds.
  • the bees, so small. So impossibly small.
  • the brilliants, whose name was given to them ironically some time around their leader’s sixth year of high school.
  • the topazes and jacobins, who formed an alliance in the earliest years of the Hummingbird Wars. Their consolidated might makes them the most landed of all the clans.
  • the emeralds, who spend most of their time plotting against the mountain-gems or Sonic the Hedgehog.

For centuries, these houses have clashed. Though it is currently something of a cold war, it is only a matter of time before conflict flares up again.

hummingbird at peace

The din of war has quieted to a… hum.

Wikipedia’s Talk Page Asks

“Does anyone know if hummingbirds can be or have been eaten? I bet they are succulent. Couldn’t find any infos on the world wide web.”

What if it fought a bear?

As if hummingbird would stop fighting hummingbird long enough to fight the bear. If it did find the time, when’s it going to eat? We’re probably looking at one hungry hummingbird and one victorious bear.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Do you hear that? That low, almost imperceptible, constant hum? THE HUM – is it the work of the hummingbird, as its name suggests?[2] THE HUM wants you to know it can hear you too. THE HUM is the best listener you will ever know. Tell THE HUM your problems. Give over to it all your troubles, all your concerns, all your hopes, all your dreams. Give THE HUM your self. THE HUM must feed; it must always… feed.

HHHHUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

 

8/10

 

 

 

 

[1]Or about two inches, if you don’t speak Metric.

[2]Yes, it is.

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